Obese daughter 14 years old

[MochaShots]

As the title says, my 14 year old daughter is obese. She weighs 17 stone and I am so desperately sad for her.

I take full responsibility for letting it get this bad, but because of her poor mental health, I've struggled to be strict enough to see through any health changes we've tried to implement.

I know what a healthy diet looks like, what portion size she should be having, good fats, bad fats, enough protein etc. It is not that I am not educated. The problem I have is the lack of will power to stick it out. She is on the CAMH'S waiting list regarding her mental health, and I've requested a nutritionist, but the waiting list is so long.

She is so fragile mentally, that I always cave in and allow her bigger portion sizes or treats. But, even when I've tried to make adjustments to her diet, I cannot get her to increase her activity. Realistically now, she has gotten so big that she genuinely struggles to walk more than 10 mins without her legs chafing or her feet hurting. I cannot afford paid activities, and she also lacks the confidence. I've tried encouraging slow walks to build herself up to gradual fitness, but she refuses as I know she knows she will feel pain or discomfort.

Until she gets help with her mental health, I feel I'm fighting a losing battle.

Given that I eat a reasonably healthy diet, and am active and that I know about healthy eating and cooking- what can i do to help my daughter take steps to get healthy?

I've tried every approach I can think of including a delicate conversation - a blunt conversation about the negative effects on her heart (I try not to make it about her appearance). I've tried to make things fun and take the emphasis off of weight, but she doesn't like any activities at all. She goes to school, then comes home and sits around while I'm at work. Weekends she refuses to join us on bike rides, walks etc.

I have to be careful not to make it a battle by issuing sanctions as her mental health is incredibly fragile.

Please help!

I’m sure it’s been mentioned, but would she go swimming with you? No load-bearing and a nice feeling of being weightless, no getting sweaty, etc?

I’m glad you’ve had mostly positive replies. Please keep us updated.

Remember this change won’t happen overnight and if she does lose weight fast then she could easily put it all back on again.

Don’t focus on weight but If you ever notice her eating a bit healthier or exercising you could mention that she’s looking slimmer.

I have noticed that whenever someone says this to me it makes me feel really good and I end up eating healthier and exercising more.

Make sure you compliment her hair and things. Tell her she looks nice. Of course compliment other things too.
It really does make you feel better when someone compliments you.

Its defiantly worth looking at seeing if your dd has asd or adhd. We went through diagnostics process quite children diagnosed quite young as dh himself struggled so badly though the teens years that he was very keen that history didnt repeat. On the postive side adhd medication can work wonders. Sadly adhd and asd is so often not spotted in girls as it presents so differently.

Thank you:-)

Take being on her feet out of it then. There are exercises that can be done in a chair, I used them many years ago when really sick. You could use light weights together, they're usually pretty cheap, 2 small dumbells each and 2 ankle weights each. One day you do leg raises with the ankle weights on, the next you focus on arms, then back to ankle weights but add 20%. So first day of each could just be 10 reps, the next day 12 reps. Working different bits of the body on different days can help pain wise. You could also add chair aerobics, I expect YouTube would have some videos on it. When I was really sick I started by walking to the mailbox, rest, then walk back. Then not move for an hour. Start really small, make achievable goals, take tiny steps. Use lots of encouragement and praise.

Same with food, start substituting a couple of things you normally buy for better versions or putting extra veggies on her plate or adding salad. Think really small, incremental changes over a long period of time. There's no easy or quick answer to any of this, the excess weight or the mental health. It's going to take a long time and you're going to have to drive the changes quietly and calmly and stick to them.

With her mental health have you looked to see if there's any group therapy for overeating where you are? My DC mental health struggles are in a different area, buy they found being in a group with other children who had the same struggles more useful than individual therapy. The group was run by a psychologist. I know where I live the local university run an overeaters group program. Something to look into possibly.

I'm definitely looking into this. I'm not sure ADHD fits her profile as she is incredibly organised and punctual. But perhaps ASD? I'll certainly explore this idea.

Ah I see, the nutritionist isn’t to teach you but what I call a ‘mum echo.’ I always notice if I correct my kids’ schoolwork I often get ‘no mum this is how you do it!’ But if the another adult corrects it suddenly they’re right! Yes, maybe she would listen more from an outsider but I’d agree it might be worth looking into ASD just to see if she fits any other patterns. It seems like in this girl’s case the inside needs to be sorted/helped most urgently. It’s very hard.

At least she has you trying to help her and being understanding/not shaming or pressuring her to lose weight. In the future she will remember that and if there comes a time for her to be motivated to lose weight she’ll know you’re there to help her.

Also, not sure if this is relevant at all, but does she cook? Or is she involved in cooking? Looking up some good recipes and cooking together might give her some control over her diet and confidence to make changes for herself. Obviously with your support! But the eating double portions could be a way for her to control it if she can’t control what she’s eating.

I would look towards the summer hols coming up. She’ll be free from the stress of school and I always think it’s easy to take up something new in the holidays. Maybe you could use the holidays to help her totally decompress/have lots of attention and support.

@MochaShots If you think about rejection sensitivity and how perceived threats of being rejected are extremely hurtful, as well as the need to flit between tasks, this results in a lot of ADHDers being extremely organised and punctual. They'd rather over plan than be seen to be in the wrong and be rejected, plus its often easier to organise tasks than actually do them.

I have spent over a decade specialising in supporting those with an SpLD and all of my ADHD students were organised and punctual. I have never missed an appointment or deadline but being organised does come at a costs and causes me extra stress, which leads to fatigue. For example, my fear of being dis-organised means I have a number of reminder that go off in the days leading up to, as well as on the day of an appointment to ensure I do not forget.

When I work with people who are disorganised it infuriates me due to the amount of effort I have exerted to be organised. I then feel ashamed of these emotions and this effects my MH.

@MochaShots Sounds like she has ASD to me.

My advice at this current time is to build up her self esteem. Get her to do something that she can be proud of. A few examples...

My son on his iPad plays games whilst screen recording then posts them on YouTube. He is very proud of his channel.
Family Fund award grants that can include at iPad. Apple store do a free lesson called "Video Skills: Getting Started with iMovie" (iMovie is a free video editing app on apple devices).

Or your daughter could start watching tutorials on YouTube to learn a skill, such as nail art.

Ok, that makes a lot of sense. I wasn't sure if it was to do with avoiding getting in to trouble (with her dad). He liked everything done with immediate effect and efficiency and I felt that that was her coping mechanism to avoid getting a hard time.

Sounds like you have a lot of experience in this area. Is it pretty obvious to you when a person has ADHD?

Thank you for your suggestion. Unfortunately I have tried this. We have a Switch that links to the TV and has a similar platform to Wii fit. She just won't use it. It's been used by all of us, and despite laughing and joking around- she will just watch from a distance:-(

Thank you. I will try this. She doesn't enjoy make up, nails etc. And she is not a gamer, but she does write books. She is on a site for teenagers that write fan fiction. I'll try and get more involve and see if it helps.

I have been over weight all my life, it affected my mental health and my teen years were awful. If your daughter doesn't want to go out walking there are loads of youtube channels where you can walk at home. I follow one called Up To The Beat Fitness with Gina B, its incorporates walking with some dance moves. There are hundreds on videos, some are only 5-10 mins long and you can build up to longer routines. If any of the steps are tricky you can just walk on the spot. She plays some great music, Dua Lipa, Lizzo, Spice Girls etc. Its much easier to exercise at home where no one is watching. Perhaps get her a fit bit to document her progress.

She does food tech at school and enjoys cooking. But won't participate at home unless she can bake cakes.

We are going on a UK holiday this summer and staying at a relatives house while they're away. I'm half dreading it as I know she'll be resistant to being active, which leads to resentment from my other two children as they feel held back. But, at the same time, with the right footwear and clothing she may be open to doing more. I just have to set expectations with everyone so we can comprise a bit.

Haha, yes exactly this - mum echo!

And yes, it's the work that needs to be done inside first. I love her no matter what and she will always be beautiful to me. But, I know she's unhappy and my biggest worry is the pressure around her heart and other organs, and her reduced quality of life. It makes me desperately sad.

Thank you :-)

Don't have the junk food in the house in the first place.
Don't cook extra, just what you need so there aren't bigger portions or second helpings. If she wants cake or biscuits bake them and again only make the minimum.

Drink more water, eat less sugar.

Chub rub short things, I've bought sloggi and M&S ones as I get this although am no longer obese. Struggled with my weight all my life.

Clearly she needs to move more as well as eat less of the "bad" things - walking is a great idea.

If you can get her in the pool that would be great, she can wear a t shirt over the top if necessary.

I wonder if there are taster sessions for trying different sports, such as archery.

Plus, if the university your daughter wants to go to has a team in that sport, they could offer her a scholarship to attend the university and compete in competitions.

How about doing something like “dance fit” on the TV (we do it on the Nintendo Switch) and do it with her. Just start with 10 mins at a time and build up gradually. Start with the “easy” dances. The music will (hopefully) boost her mood and you can make it fun and silly.

My DD tries to “win” me each time.

Chub rub is good. I always get sore at top of legs on holiday guess heat and sweat. This really works

Body Glide Unisex Adult For Her Moisturising Anti Chafe Balm Stick - Magenta, 22 g smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/B071HNH5DH/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_WB52T0D9YK3Q46H67FSY

I don't have the expertise of many of the posters on here, but I wonder if focusing on time outside, rather than time being active, might help. If you're outside you're much more likely to be moving around (or at least you have to move to get there). Could you make a new rule that all the kids have to be out for an hour each day? Is there somewhere she can go? Visit a relative? Go to the library?

On a similar note can you get all the kids to do more in terms of chores. If she has to hoover she will be standing up, same with going to the shops etc.

Sorry to hear she has no friends. I expect she has online friends if she's into writing, and the people I know who are into similar generally found school/life much easier as they got older. Is she going to move school for 6th form? I'd suggest she does as it's so great to get a new start and a chance to meet other people with whom she may have more in common. A lot of people I know who like these things are also into things like boardgames, D&D, LARPing etc - there may be local groups or school clubs around these things?

I think you need to keep telling yourself that getting her OUT and moving a bit (rather than looking at results like losing weight) is going to do good things for her MH.

Can you look for a second hand exercise bike or a cheap turbo trainer to mount a bike on, and pop it in front of her favourite tv shows, or just encourage her to sit pedaling while texting friends etc? That way a) she doesnt have to go out if she's feeling embarrassed about how she looks b) it isnt taking time away from social activities she might prefer and c) she might actually stay on there quite a while at sort of a walking pace, if distracted by her phone or the tv.