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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To if your partner hit your child would you leave them?

166 replies

StarvedMagnolia · 01/05/2022 23:15

What would you do if your partner hit your child? The first time? Would you leave them? Would it depend on what kind of "hitting" it was or what the circumstances are? Or the frequency?

It's a hypothetical situation for me but I always thought if my partner ever raised a hand against my or our child I would leave them irrespective of anything else. I'd feel as if I'm not protecting or standing up for my child otherwise. On the other hand I guess it's not that easy. (If it was a light smack and a one off it might be better for the kids to stay together?? Also, I've got no idea what the legal position is. Wouldn't the partner still have visiting / custody rights anyway or would any fork of violence always result in something like supervised visits only?) I don't think I could respect my partner if they were violent to my or our children.

I'm just wondering if I am being unreasonable. Every once in a while a thread crops up from an upset mum (I've only seen ones from mums) where they are devastated that they have hit their child and everyone tells them not to worry and to just move on. If my partner did that I don't think I could move on.

What do you think? Am I too extreme? Too sanctimonious to think that everyone (including me) can and should avoid being violent to their children?

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 01/05/2022 23:26

no, i would be just about finishing burying his body under the patio.

yes i would. I do not ever condone violence on a child ever.

doveseternal · 01/05/2022 23:30

Immediately and if I knew of anyone who allowed their partner to violently assault their child- I'd report them for being complicit in abuse. Which they are.

Original poster
StarvedMagnolia · 01/05/2022 23:36

So what classifies as violent assault or does any form of violence do? What about a quick smack on the bum? What about harshly pulling a child along?

OP posts:
OldieWordly · 01/05/2022 23:40

What has happened to the world that everything is thought of only in black and white and nothing allowed in between?

Is context, situation, and reasoning now irrelevant?

Leaving your partner, for a light tap on the back of a child's hand then no, YABU.

Leaving your partner for throwing the child across the room, yes, YANBU

Original poster
StarvedMagnolia · 02/05/2022 03:20

Thread title should read "to ask if...."

Apologies 🙁

OP posts:
LetitiaLeghorn · 02/05/2022 03:32

If the partner injured the child that's one thing but a sharp smack or whatever... What would leaving them gain? The court isn't going to take away access so you'd be actually sending them to their other parent's to be on their own with them. Woyldnt that be more worrying for you? And would the child really want to be in a divorced family for a tap on the bottom?
If you don't agree with it, surely you're better to stay together to educate them.
MN is always very quick to leave their spouses.

fUNNYfACE36 · 02/05/2022 03:37

Any violence towards me would be a deal breaker. Reasonable chastisement to a child eg a well deserved smacked bum after a warning, i would be ok with. I would not do it myself, but it is not my job to police partner's parenting style, so long as it's not abusive

Ponderingwindow · 02/05/2022 03:40

I might and I mean might not call the police on my husband if there were extenuating circumstances and it was an isolated incident. However, that would only be if he was agreeing to move out immediately.

im not living like that ever again and I am sure as hell going to model for my daughter that if anyone uses violence against her, they need to be removed immediately.

I know custody is a difficult problem. That is why the police would likely be called and I would be hiring the best solicitor I could find. Plus thankfully at this point my child is old enough to just tell the court what she wants.

Marvellousmadness · 02/05/2022 03:45

Wtf? What kinda hypothetical question is that? The fact youd even contemplate on staying tells me you should give your head a wobble.

fUNNYfACE36 · 02/05/2022 03:45

What do you imagine the police would do for ".reasonable chastisement"?

Kanaloa · 02/05/2022 03:47

fUNNYfACE36 · 02/05/2022 03:37

Any violence towards me would be a deal breaker. Reasonable chastisement to a child eg a well deserved smacked bum after a warning, i would be ok with. I would not do it myself, but it is not my job to police partner's parenting style, so long as it's not abusive

Gross. Imaging actually thinking a man hitting a child is totally acceptable but hitting his wife is a no-go.

Anyway I would leave DH if ever he hit one of the children. I didn’t marry a man who bullies and hits children. He wouldn’t be who I thought he was.

Kanaloa · 02/05/2022 03:49

LetitiaLeghorn · 02/05/2022 03:32

If the partner injured the child that's one thing but a sharp smack or whatever... What would leaving them gain? The court isn't going to take away access so you'd be actually sending them to their other parent's to be on their own with them. Woyldnt that be more worrying for you? And would the child really want to be in a divorced family for a tap on the bottom?
If you don't agree with it, surely you're better to stay together to educate them.
MN is always very quick to leave their spouses.

It’s not my job to educate grown up men on why you can’t hit kids. So stupid too that all these people insist on using ‘tap.’ It’s just a ‘short sharp shock’ or a ‘tap’ when the child has ‘pushed it to the limit.’ How else could you parent effectively?

DropYourSword · 02/05/2022 03:49

A light smack out of frustration - no. I don't agree with it but I can understand it.

Punching etc - absolutely I would leave. Although I can ever imagine my DH would ever do that!

Kanaloa · 02/05/2022 03:50

But then I will say I’m zero tolerance to any violence or aggression in the home. We don’t allow hitting, shouting/screaming, nasty behaviour etc. It’s not an environment I’m comfortable with.

Bednobsbroomsticks · 02/05/2022 08:41

I would police my partners parenting if he hit the kids . A light tap i would say no that's not how I want to raise the children . If he stopped then fine if he continued I'd have to rethink definitely

fUNNYfACE36 · 02/05/2022 10:45

DropYourSword · 02/05/2022 03:49

A light smack out of frustration - no. I don't agree with it but I can understand it.

Punching etc - absolutely I would leave. Although I can ever imagine my DH would ever do that!

I don't think ypu should smack if you are frustrated or angry. Only when you are in control of your own emotions

PumpkinsandKittens · 02/05/2022 10:48

Nope I wouldn’t leave for this, smacking is not illegal and back in the real world everyone I know smacks their kids so I would be left very lonely if I cut everyone off for it! There was a a thread of here the other day where a woman smacked her 4 year old and she got nothing but sympathy even someone saying children can provoke you to smack them! Funny how this thread is very different

MarinoRoyale · 02/05/2022 10:51

I would leave them, I’ve never smacked my children and it’s not common in my social circle to do so. Dressing it up as a “tap” or whatever you want to call it doesn’t detract from the fact an adult is using their superior strength and position of power to intimidate a child to conform.

SinaraSmith · 02/05/2022 11:00

I don’t operate violence against children at all. So dp would be gone.

I clicked off the most recent thread of ‘I hit my child but feel so bad. But also here is my list of excuse why I did it’. The posters falling over themselves to reassure the poster that it’s a one off makes me feel a bit sick.

if a posted that their husband did the same (to either them or their child) in the same circumstances and was really sorry, they would be told it’s rarely ever a one off and it will escalate. The poster would be told they must leave their dp to protect their kids.

I hate posts like that

SinaraSmith · 02/05/2022 11:03

Accept. Not operate 😳

Kanaloa · 02/05/2022 11:05

PumpkinsandKittens · 02/05/2022 10:48

Nope I wouldn’t leave for this, smacking is not illegal and back in the real world everyone I know smacks their kids so I would be left very lonely if I cut everyone off for it! There was a a thread of here the other day where a woman smacked her 4 year old and she got nothing but sympathy even someone saying children can provoke you to smack them! Funny how this thread is very different

There was plenty of us on that thread saying it was unacceptable. Rather than the posts insisting ‘oh it’s ok we all do it when they’re naughty’ there were lots of posts saying this was a situation where preventative measures had to be put in place ie managing a child’s behaviour and learning to teach your child to behave better, not letting their behaviour spiral out of control then hitting them in anger/temper.

Especially in that case because the crime the child was being hit for? Was hitting!! What sort of lesson does that teach? You must NOT hit anyone. Unless you’re much bigger and stronger than them, then it’s just a ‘tap.’

fUNNYfACE36 · 02/05/2022 11:07

be told it’s rarely ever a one off and it will escalate
Tbis is why you should never smack a child unless you are in control of your own emotions. A measured response NOT lashing out

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 02/05/2022 11:08

Smacking/tapping whatever you want to call it goes completely against by beliefs on how children should be raised. Before marrying and having children DH and I spoke about how we would want to raise our children, what we considered acceptable, what we considered unacceptable. We both were clear that any kind of physical rebuke meant no matter how light or how many warnings would not be used.

So if he were to 'tap' DD it would mean he wasn't the person I thought he was and that he told me he was. It would definitely make me look more closely at our relationship.

PumpkinsandKittens · 02/05/2022 11:09

Kanaloa · 02/05/2022 11:05

There was plenty of us on that thread saying it was unacceptable. Rather than the posts insisting ‘oh it’s ok we all do it when they’re naughty’ there were lots of posts saying this was a situation where preventative measures had to be put in place ie managing a child’s behaviour and learning to teach your child to behave better, not letting their behaviour spiral out of control then hitting them in anger/temper.

Especially in that case because the crime the child was being hit for? Was hitting!! What sort of lesson does that teach? You must NOT hit anyone. Unless you’re much bigger and stronger than them, then it’s just a ‘tap.’

Show quote history

90% of the posters was telling the op it was fine and she should forgive herself and it’s not a big deal. Anyway no I wouldn’t leave a partner for this, irl most people I know smack occasionally.

OverItThanks · 02/05/2022 11:10

I’ve never understood smacking, we’d never accept physical punishment on any other person in society, but it’s ok to smack children? The most vulnerable? I wouldn’t accept DH giving me a smack, even a ‘light tap’. And I’m sure I can frustrate him something rotten sometimes.

It’s also very rarely isolated.

Smacking isn’t illegal no, but neither is giving a 6 year old alcohol in the home - seriously! Doesn’t mean you should do it. Laws don’t always make sense, we’ve still got a long way to go there.

In regards to leaving, if he was remorseful and it’s wasn’t hard no I wouldn’t, but I would also be policing his parenting and getting him to apologise to our child. A second time - I’m out.