To if your partner hit your child would you leave them?

[StarvedMagnolia]

What would you do if your partner hit your child? The first time? Would you leave them? Would it depend on what kind of "hitting" it was or what the circumstances are? Or the frequency?

It's a hypothetical situation for me but I always thought if my partner ever raised a hand against my or our child I would leave them irrespective of anything else. I'd feel as if I'm not protecting or standing up for my child otherwise. On the other hand I guess it's not that easy. (If it was a light smack and a one off it might be better for the kids to stay together?? Also, I've got no idea what the legal position is. Wouldn't the partner still have visiting / custody rights anyway or would any fork of violence always result in something like supervised visits only?) I don't think I could respect my partner if they were violent to my or our children.

I'm just wondering if I am being unreasonable. Every once in a while a thread crops up from an upset mum (I've only seen ones from mums) where they are devastated that they have hit their child and everyone tells them not to worry and to just move on. If my partner did that I don't think I could move on.

What do you think? Am I too extreme? Too sanctimonious to think that everyone (including me) can and should avoid being violent to their children?

Thanks for the replies everyone. For me the dilemma is that principally I am against violence against children and that includes any of its euphemisms like a smack or tap, etc. I always thought I'd have zero tolerance for that because it is WRONG.

However, at the end of the day we have to do what is best for the child. What is that? I'm obviously not talking about an abusive environment but a normal loving environment where a parent lost their temper, is regretful and apologetic and promises to never do it again.

I remember my sil once smacking her ds. She felt terrible about it and cried fir days. My brother let it go and comforted her when she vowed it would never happen again. As far as I know it didn't. So would it have been better to break up the family? Wouldn't that have been more traumatic for the kids?

I don't know the answer and like I said on principal one time in any circumstance is one time too many but is that really always what is best for the kids?

I could understand if someone was very remorseful and it was a one off, why you wouldn’t leave them. It just wouldn’t work for me because it’s so far outside of our family values and philosophy that I couldn’t tolerate a man who loses his temper and hits people. I mean I’ve had bosses who are horrific, shouted in my face etc, I’ve dealt with o2 customer service several times, I’ve had customers swear at me. At no time during these necessary interactions was I allowed to ‘lose my temper’ and give someone a well-deserved slap in the face.

For me it would be my principles and lifestyle and I couldn’t overlook it or see my husband the same way again. I know he would feel the same if I hit one of the children.

Nobody is talking about slapping anyone's face.
Straw man

Slapping someone’s face is no different than slapping their legs/chest/bottom/arms. It’s the same action. If anything, it’s odd that you think slapping one part of someone’s body is acceptable violence while another isn’t.

Although by your repeated attempts at justification and minimising I’m guessing you actually do know it’s wrong to hurt and hit people. Especially those vulnerable people in your care.

“Slapping someone’s face is no different than slapping their legs/chest/bottom/arms. It’s the same action. If anything, it’s odd that you think slapping one part of someone’s body is acceptable violence while another isn’t.”

No, not really. The last time my mum slapped my arm and said ‘naughty’ it didn’t seem unacceptable. If she had slapped my face it would have been. I had been scratching my stitches following minor surgery so she wasn’t exactly joking. I was thirty-seven.
Admittedly, if my father had done that it probably wouldn’t have seemed acceptable, although still not a matter for police involvement.

I have to say I find punishments such as being made to stand facing the corner more humiliating and unacceptable. It would be the same in an adult relationship. There would have to be real malice involved in someone forcing their partner to do that.

I suppose I am just out of touch.

Okay, so why is it acceptable then? Why is slapping a child on the upper arm or bottom okay and acceptable to you, but slapping their face is unacceptable? They both represent the same levels of violence and nastiness. They both hurt and humiliate. Why is the face not okay?

And a silly story about your mother slapping your arm as an adult is irrelevant. As is the fact that you’d find it humiliating to stand facing a corner - that’s a hugely outdated punishment and nobody is suggesting it as a good alternative to hitting children.

Honestly I knew anyone who hits kids had to be pretty stupid but the knots people will tie themselves in to try and make it sound acceptable is shocking.

They don’t represent the same level of violence and nastiness. It’s that simple. I think you are tying yourself in knots to suggest otherwise.

Why? How is slapping the bottom different that the face? What makes one act of violence ‘nastier’ than the other? I genuinely can’t see why one is worse or better than the other.

I also don't understand why your dad slapping your hand away wouldn't be acceptable but your mum doing it is? Sex/gender shouldn't be an issue, a slap is a slap.
It also doesn't really equate, your mum moving your (adult) hand away to keep you from opening up stitches, likely causing you no pain, to a child being hit/slapped/spanked/however it's framed, as punishment.

No smacking is OK. But the distinction arises because the face is more delicate than the bottom or limbs and there is risk of injury to the child of being struck near the eyes, nose or mouth. When smacking was acceptable in previous decades most parents restricted it to areas where physical injury would not be the result.

Slightly different as we were already separated, but my ex threatened our children with smacking and as a result missed contact time with them because I didn’t send them again until he’d apologized and promised he would never do it. So yeah I think I would leave a partner over it, I feel pretty strongly about violence towards children.

Isn't it just. So much justification and minimising in order to make it sound acceptable when it just isn't on any level.

@5128gap

Yes I understand that people who hit their kids are trying to aim for areas that will cause their child pain/humiliation rather than serious injury.

That question was actually for the poster who said face slapping is totally different as it’s ‘violent and nasty’ whereas slapping the rest of the body isn’t. I was just wondering why it’s violent and nasty to slap one part of your child but not another part.

I know. Its something people struggle with if they are of a generation where they were smacked or gave the occasional smack. My loving, non violent mum smacked my bottom on occasion and hated it, but believed it was her duty to overcome her instinct and punish me for my own good. She wasn't abusive, she was just acting within the norms of the day. Obviously things have changed, as they should, but people struggle to reconcile behaviour that is abusive and violent through today's lens, with their memories of loving parents delivering what was considered appropriate punishment at the time; hence making the same sort of distinctions that were made in decades past.

I would disagree. Hitting a child, regardless of where that hit lands is not acceptable. Really the only difference between it being on the face/arm etc is that it's harder to hide bruises on the face for those so inclinded.

If my partner hit my kids that would be an absolute deal breaker.