To if your partner hit your child would you leave them?

[StarvedMagnolia]

What would you do if your partner hit your child? The first time? Would you leave them? Would it depend on what kind of "hitting" it was or what the circumstances are? Or the frequency?

It's a hypothetical situation for me but I always thought if my partner ever raised a hand against my or our child I would leave them irrespective of anything else. I'd feel as if I'm not protecting or standing up for my child otherwise. On the other hand I guess it's not that easy. (If it was a light smack and a one off it might be better for the kids to stay together?? Also, I've got no idea what the legal position is. Wouldn't the partner still have visiting / custody rights anyway or would any fork of violence always result in something like supervised visits only?) I don't think I could respect my partner if they were violent to my or our children.

I'm just wondering if I am being unreasonable. Every once in a while a thread crops up from an upset mum (I've only seen ones from mums) where they are devastated that they have hit their child and everyone tells them not to worry and to just move on. If my partner did that I don't think I could move on.

What do you think? Am I too extreme? Too sanctimonious to think that everyone (including me) can and should avoid being violent to their children?

I think for a lot of us, a calm but measured and well thought out smack is just as bad.

If dp hit me in a calm, but measured and well thought out way because I was acting unacceptably to him, then I doubt anyone would be saying ‘he didn’t do it in temper so it’s ok’

A measured response is worse in my opinion, I can see how some parents get to the end of their tether but to calmly decide the best option is to hit a child is unforgivable.

“Leaving your partner, for a light tap on the back of a child's hand then no, YABU.

Leaving your partner for throwing the child across the room, yes, YANBU”

There’s a whole world of different scenarios in between these two, including what my ex did to our DC. I left him because of it. I drew the line - I had to draw it somewhere.

I went to child services and to court when I saw my ex hit my child (3 at the time )
What he did to me was to me , what he did to my child was my responsibility to make sure he couldn't ever do it again

A measured response is worse in my opinion, I can see how some parents get to the end of their tether but to calmly decide the best option is to hit a child is unforgivable.
That, as you say, is just your opinion, which you havent even attempted to justify.

pointless subject to discuss.

Exactly this.
And, in the first case scenario, if it upset me, I would TALK to them about it. But not leave on a first offence, IYSWIM.
Second scenario is very obviously a different kettle of fish.

so you are saying,
mother comes on mumsnt, end of tether, smacked child
her dh also end of tether smacks child
double standard answers given?

My reasoning for not condoning hitting children is on my first post on page 1. I’m more interested in hearing how those who DO hit children justify it to themselves and the wider world.

Let me trot out the usual justifications.

A short sharp shock is much better than being sent to their room.

What else are you supposed to do, just beg them to behave while cowering as they bash you over the head? That’s why kids nowadays blah blah.

Well he was just about to swan dive into the bath holding a toaster so what else could I do but smack him? There was no other possible way.

When they’re too young to understand hitting them is the only way to communicate.

The real justification is ‘I get wound up by challenging behaviour. Hitting my child relieves that momentarily. I don’t know any other way to correctly teach appropriate behaviour and this is an easy way to frighten my child into obedience.’

Smacking children is an absolute no in our family. So is threat of violence.

@PumpkinsandKittens your comment just makes me sad that you know many people who choose to hit their children. I would be genuinely shocked if any of my friends did that.
Can I ask if you're in the UK?

I still remember my mum smacking my sibling and we were all upset. I can visualise it so clearly because it really shocked me at the time.
One set of my grandparents did smack.
If a relative lifted a finger to my child that would be it.

There is hitting and there is hitting, and there is hitting and hitting (and hitting). The problem is not whether we we would leave the partner who hit too hard or hit too frequently, but rather , it is whether we could leave.

Situations in which domestic abuse occurs are often really complex, and a partner can know that what is happening is wrong, but they may not have the means of capacity to leave; they may be victims of the same violence themselves, or there may be a myriad of other reasons why the partner feels s/he could not take the child/ren and leave.

Surely discussion would be in order to make sure it doesn't repeat.However if the child is biologically their they also have a right to decide the type of discipline goes.
Women on here forget children are not 80 percent theirs and 20 the fathers.
Also if this is a one off what is worse one off physical chastising or broken family unit.
It is well know (proven by countless studies ) children dare better in functioning family units

No I wouldn't leave my partner for it. There are better ways of dealing with the situation.

Under what circumstances is slapping any part of a child's body 'well deserved'? And you're okay with that?

But if your partner thought you needed a 'well deserved' slap that isn't okay?

I'm finding it really hard to understand your double standards.

If my partner slapped either me or my children I'd very much make it my job to police my partner's parenting style.

"we’d never accept physical punishment on any other person in society, but it’s ok to smack children?"

If a husband had the final word on medical treatment for his wife, and decided where she was allowed to go, and never allowed her to go anywhere without him, that would be considered abusive. Yet the same is generally considered to be in their best interests when it's a child instead of a wife.

My point is, a relationship between an adult and a child is not the same as the relationship between two adults.

Last night my son wiped his fork on my arm. I wiped my dirty arm back on him. He was upset. I told him "it's not nice, is it ? Then why do it to me ?" If he slapped me (deliberately) and was old enough to understand what he's doing I can't promise I wouldn't slap back to show him exactly how not nice it is. Although I hope I'll raise him well enough that this situation will never happen.

My parents slapped and spanked me. It didn't happen very often and when it did I knew exactly what I'd done to deserve it. And frankly I did deserve it. But I'm sure some people will come along to diagnose me with some kind of trauma 🙄

Smacking children is an absolute no in our family. So is threat of violence.

Same in my family. I absolutely will not tolerate anyone who lifts a hand towards my child in any manner.

It's the ideal. And it's easy to say that you would if you're not actually in that situation. But leaving the relationship could be too much of a sacrifice and not everyone has the means.

My point is, a relationship between an adult and a child is not the same as the relationship between two adults.

No it’s not the same. The child is more vulnerable than another adult. Due to their mental capacity and physical size and strength.
Hitting someone who is dependent on you and can’t decide to walk away and genuinely needs you for survival is, imo, worse.

@Pancakesbeforesunset I left my marriage with just a few of the kids belonging and our clothes in a black bag. We slept on my parents floor for a month while I frantically found us somewhere to live. So I'm sorry but you don't have to have the means or your 'ducks in a row', you just have to be at the end of your tether.

@JoeGoldberg

Not everyone has support to leave or a place to go. You're likely to be abused in a homeless shelter as well. Some people weigh up that staying at home will leave them better off.

I didn't have support initially. I had to literally turn up on my parents doorstep with my kids in tow before they'd even believe how bad things were, and even then my mum hasn't been supportive of me ending the marriage. Don't try and downplay my experience.

I wouldn’t diagnose you with anything but it’s obviously not done you any favours since you now think the appropriate way to teach a child not to slap people is to slap them. Like what message do you think that sends? If a grown up can’t even control themselves from fits of temper and slapping kids how on earth can a little child be expected to do it?

And you do realise if you stay in a relationship where your children are at physical harm then it becomes a safeguarding issue and your children can be taken away as you're see as part of the problem? I'd take a floor or a homeless shelter over that any day.

As for the fork surely it would have been just as productive and a more positive teaching experience just to move his hand away and say ‘don’t wipe your fork on me. Me and daddy aren’t doing that, we’re eating properly.’ Rather than doing it back to try and upset him. And then obviously look at it again if it’s a repeated behaviour.