To if your partner hit your child would you leave them?

[StarvedMagnolia]

What would you do if your partner hit your child? The first time? Would you leave them? Would it depend on what kind of "hitting" it was or what the circumstances are? Or the frequency?

It's a hypothetical situation for me but I always thought if my partner ever raised a hand against my or our child I would leave them irrespective of anything else. I'd feel as if I'm not protecting or standing up for my child otherwise. On the other hand I guess it's not that easy. (If it was a light smack and a one off it might be better for the kids to stay together?? Also, I've got no idea what the legal position is. Wouldn't the partner still have visiting / custody rights anyway or would any fork of violence always result in something like supervised visits only?) I don't think I could respect my partner if they were violent to my or our children.

I'm just wondering if I am being unreasonable. Every once in a while a thread crops up from an upset mum (I've only seen ones from mums) where they are devastated that they have hit their child and everyone tells them not to worry and to just move on. If my partner did that I don't think I could move on.

What do you think? Am I too extreme? Too sanctimonious to think that everyone (including me) can and should avoid being violent to their children?

Testing

Need to at least describe what kind of hitting. Pointless if some people are thinking of a smack on the leg after a long day, and others are thinking of cranking a cane out.

Honestly whatever the question mumsnets answer is always 'leave him'
Do you know how damaging broken family is to a child?
If thai is a one off then I can imagine explaining to your teenager later on that the reason they saw their father once every week is because of a single smack.
Honestly...sometimes I wonder who the commentators are.
Plenty of broken families as it is.
Talk!Resolve and set boundaries.

Do you know how damaging broken family is to a child?

Seriously???

Do you know how damaging staying in a home where a slap or a shove is to a child?

Wtf am I reading here??

What is a broken family to you?

How would describe that?

And would a teenager only be seeing their dad once a week? If they want to see them more?

Obviously there are exceptions (too many to count )but traditional family unit of both parents being together and sharing home with their kids.I come from a broken family and I can tell by a mile if someone comes from a happy family.
I would have love to have my father around every day.Instead of years of hostility then some random women, men involved in my parents lives,having to stay at different homes seperate birthdays,holidays etc.
It takes a toll on a child.
It's my personal opinion but when children are involved (I have a child myself) I believe relationships really ought to be fought for (if possible )

@Same1977

The phrase broken family (along with broken home) has been used for decades on end to shame women into staying in shitty relationships to the detriment of themselves and their children.

It's a horrible phrase that harms children whose parents are no longer in a relationship. It tells children that their family is bad, wrong, less than and not an emotionally safe place. In fact, many parents are perfectly capable of breaking up and co-parenting lovingly with their child as priority.

The child not living in a toxic home or witnessing toxic relationships should be the dream here. Not staying put and remaining unhappy in a toxic dynamic due to the shame attached to such an unhealthy 'broken home' / 'broken family' narrative.

Please consider not using those phrases any more.

@Same1977

I would have love to have my father around every day.Instead of years of hostility then some random women, men involved in my parents lives,having to stay at different homes seperate birthdays,holidays etc.

I'm sorry you had a tough time. That was due to your parents handling the split poorly and introducing you to lots of partners etc. Had they handled it lovingly and as a team, focusing on making you feel safe and secure in your attachment to both of them, they could have split up in a healthy way.

I struggle when dh tells the kids off (he’s their dad) even when it’s perfectly valid. I immediately defend them and completely undermine him, I can’t help it. So god knows how I’d be if anyone touched them.

The phrase broken family (along with broken home) has been used for decades on end to shame women into staying in shitty relationships to the detriment of themselves and their children.

Yes @youvegottenminuteslynn. It's also the same people who will complain if a woman remarries etc. to avoid being a single mother/or bearer of a 'broken' family.

Broken family is very outdated as a phrase.

Do you know how damaging broken family is to a child?

You've really got an agenda on this thread ain'tcha, @Same1977 ?
Given that half UK marriages end in divorce, I think the nation's kids are bearing up ok.

Noted! Was not meant for that.My mother and father split for a very valid reason (my father at the time had an alchohol issue) .So I definitely do not advocate staying in harmful enviroment.

I just hate that marriage has become something very few fight for even when kids are involved.

OK is not the same as good.

@Same1977

Thanks for reconsidering using the phrase, it's one that is fundamentally damaging to women and children more than it is to men.

My mother and father split for a very valid reason (my father at the time had an alchohol issue) .So I definitely do not advocate staying in harmful enviroment.

But you said earlier you wish your dad had been around every day and you were disappointed your parents split because it meant he wasn't and you had to go between two houses etc. As much as it was tough for you, your mum took you out of an environment that previously saw you living with an alcoholic adult. She made the right and loving choice doing that and it's a bit heartbreaking that years later you say:

I would have love to have my father around every day.Instead of years of hostility then some random women, men involved in my parents lives,having to stay at different homes seperate birthdays,holidays etc.It takes a toll on a child.

Because the toll of living with one alcoholic parent and one enabler parent would have been far greater and much more irresponsible of them both.

She did her best to get you out of a harmful home.

My mother and father split for a very valid reason (my father at the time had an alchohol issue)

So alcohol abuse is a 'valid' reason to end a relationship but someone hitting a child isn't. Got it.

Is emotional abuse a 'valid' reason? How about marital rape? Financial abuse? Is that one ok?

It's no wonder women end up staying in shitty marriages 'for the sake of the children' when there's opinions like this kicking around.

A child in a one parent home that's stable, with no constant arguments or verbal abuse or a sly shove here and there does FAR better than a child having to suffer from a toxic relationship.

Beginning to despair at this thread. Think I'll hide it now.

My husband hit my two year old once. He smacked her on the hand. It was the middle of the night, she was messing about, he was exhausted and frustrated. We were both hit as children so there's something deep in our brain conditioning us that's the response. He was devastated within a second of doing it, he held her and cried and apologised to her. He has never done anything close ever again and I would bet my life he never will. He is a wonderful father who adores his children, made a mistake, regretted it and learnt from it.

Good is not possible if your parents are only staying in a marriage they are no longer committed to so that people won't point judgey fingers at a "broken home".

Agree on all you have said here.I wish my father had been around every day yes.
He didn't drink for long and got sober not long after the divorce.Besides he was always good with us kids.
My mum did the right thing.Obviously if the reason for the divorce was let's say 7 year itch I might have been more resentful .
I didn't do too badly but my brother acted out a lot and went to live with my daddy relationship with him also never recovered.So many sad aspects regardless of how well thought out the divorce was

@Same1977

He didn't drink for long and got sober not long after the divorce.

Then your mum definitely made the right choice as her leaving him was what made him take stock and make changes. Had she stayed he probably wouldn't have stopped.

Besides he was always good with us kids.

You say that but an alcoholic parent is fundamentally a selfish one. Anyone I know who has been alcoholic will say this. It's a crippling addiction because it makes people prioritise alcohol over everything else including loved ones.

He may have been 'good with' the kids but that was at the expense of your mum not having an equal partner for the mental load of family life, watching someone waste money on booze, not having an emotionally supportive partner etc.

Having a partner with alcohol or any other addiction problems is all consuming, completely unfair and impacts every bit of your life.

Even if he was 'good to the kids' your mum shouldn't have been expected to tolerate him being bad to her.

I hope you can all heal and I'm glad to hear he stopped drinking when she left, genuinely. It must be so bloody tough for partners who are brave enough to walk away that it took them walking away for the other person to change, that they didn't do it for them before it got to that point, but however it happened I'm glad he did get well.

Yes, I would leave them.

@Same1977 you are mixing issues. Your parents didn’t need to randoms around. Your feelings come from how your parents dealt with the situation.

households with one parent can be just as happy, or more, that one with 2 parents.

I know loads of people whose parents stayed together ‘for the kids’ and their kids (now adults) wished they had split because it was an unhappy home. That doesn’t mean all households with 2 parents are unhappy.

Poverty has the biggest impact on outcomes and that can be the cases in any household. You can recognise people who came from a happy home. I came from a happy, single parent, household. It wasn’t broken or damaged. It was whole.

Having randoms around didn't help but it comes from missing my dad,from hating staying st different houses etc.
I think I am being misunderstood.If the hypothetical situation is a happy family unit (adult relationship,kids not scared etc ) and the single smack is the only blemish than all I'm saying is that children surely would be happier if the situation was resolved by means other than a split.
You can have happy single parent family it is simply hard for children if they actively miss the set up they used to have.

The only 'tap' I've given my child is when she hit me pretty badly, obviously it didn't hurt me as she's only 3.5 but after a few times of me dealing it with it by saying "would you like me to hit you back?" and her saying no, I gave a light tap on her arm as a warning. She's not violent at all and I've no idea where she picked this reaction up from, certainly not my calm-as-f*ck DH, though I can be pretty shouty when she doesn't listen (which I am really trying to change). I think this example is a shade of grey. Despite it being a 'controlled' tap I won't do something like that again as I feel words and explanations are far better. Well, that or bribes/threats to take her favourite things away!

I was beaten black and blue as a child and would never repeat that cycle. I love my mum but judge her for not challenging my dad more about it. In hindsight, he was horribly abusive at times. Parenting is bloody challenging but no need for physical violence.

Again, you missing your dad is the issue you have been left with. He could have been around more. Or stopped drinking before it ruined the family. Had they stayed together you may have other issues and be one of the people who wishes their parents had split.

Some kids may miss the set up. But again some kids wish their parents weren’t together because they make each other miserable.