To if your partner hit your child would you leave them?

[StarvedMagnolia]

What would you do if your partner hit your child? The first time? Would you leave them? Would it depend on what kind of "hitting" it was or what the circumstances are? Or the frequency?

It's a hypothetical situation for me but I always thought if my partner ever raised a hand against my or our child I would leave them irrespective of anything else. I'd feel as if I'm not protecting or standing up for my child otherwise. On the other hand I guess it's not that easy. (If it was a light smack and a one off it might be better for the kids to stay together?? Also, I've got no idea what the legal position is. Wouldn't the partner still have visiting / custody rights anyway or would any fork of violence always result in something like supervised visits only?) I don't think I could respect my partner if they were violent to my or our children.

I'm just wondering if I am being unreasonable. Every once in a while a thread crops up from an upset mum (I've only seen ones from mums) where they are devastated that they have hit their child and everyone tells them not to worry and to just move on. If my partner did that I don't think I could move on.

What do you think? Am I too extreme? Too sanctimonious to think that everyone (including me) can and should avoid being violent to their children?

Hitting a child as a punishment evokes a scenario in which the adult is in control and is deliberately hurting their own child in order to teach them a lesson. If the adult is in control, then words and explanation can teach them the very same thing.

A parent who has lost control based on frustration as to how their child is acting is, well, a parent who has lost control. And that is never a good thing.

But what about a situation whereby immediate action is necessary? Say for example a child reaching for an open flame? Is a quick smack of the hand in order to get the child’s hand away from that danger ok? Forcefully pulling a child by their arm who is about to run out into the road of oncoming traffic?

There are many examples where you reacting in such a way that could potentially hurt your child is the only course of action. And that course of action in that moment may be needed to prevent an alternative which could be much worse.

Children demand 100% of their parents attention. Their social awareness is poor, and this can be tiresome and relentless, at the best of times. But the adult should know this. In short, every course of action that is taken as a parent should be in the best interests of their child, and while situations may and invariably will arise which require immediate action (which may hurt the child as a result), never should a child be intentionally struck as a punishment, or struck because the adult has themselves lost control.

For me, if my partner hit my child as a punishment or because they lost control themselves, then they would be my partner no more.

No I don’t allow my kids to hit someone in retaliation or in temper. Especially, someone who isn’t not a danger to them and much smaller and weaker.

My kids kickbox and it’s something enforced by the Dojo as well.

Then that child would be removed because it would be the absolute wrong thing. A child isn’t in more danger in a hostel or hotel, than they are at home with their abuser.

Your mum can leave. It’s incredibly hard. But she can. Right now she is choosing not to. Understandably. But she can leave.

Someone whose kids are being hit, have a responsibility to those kids to leave. Of course it often takes time and is difficult but it’s doable for the vast majority of people.

Yes of course that’s a once and out situation. I wouldn’t let him hit me and I’d even less let him hit a child, mine or anyone else’s.

Yes I would. Having been hit as a child I have zero tolerance for it.

Before we had children we sat down and discussed our beliefs and one of my non negotiables was hitting the children. It is absolutely out of the question.

He also felt that way. Tbh, I would not have stayed with him if he believed hurting them was acceptable.

I totally agree. Parents should have a united approach to parenting and for me that means all sorts of hitting are out. Fortunately, my late husband and I were on the same page from the start.

We can never have a meaningful debate about smacking, because so many posters are too thick to see the difference between tapping a child's hand and abuse.

Yes, and I did. Well, I started the process. exH refused to leave, and I couldn’t (no money, 3 disabled dc), so it took almost 2 years before we were living separately, but I initiated divorce, and I made sure it didn’t happen again.

re: contact and access, yes, he is allowed access. I don’t agree he should be, and I don’t like the way he treats the dc (no more violence), but I am not able to stop contact. We had social services involved over eldest dc (the one he hit), but tbh, other than talking to him and then telling me that he said he only did it because he was stressed (like that apparently makes it ok!), they did nothing.

What does tapping a child's hand achieve exactly? It just shows them that if someone smaller and weaker disobeys them they can hit them. Way to go. Not.

If it’s not ok for adults to smack each other, then it’s not ok for adults to smack children. I would never smack my DC and I would leave DH if he did. My Mum smacked me regularly as a child and it didn’t change my behaviour, it just made me angry and resentful towards her.

The number of people trying to justify disciplining their children with violence by framing it as “a quick smack” or a “tap” is fucking sickening.

I've never understood why anyone would smack/tap a child.

My 7yr old is 14 inches shorter than me, so me smacking her would be the equivalent of a 6ft 10 inch person smacking me (5ft 8). Would anyone who saw that say it was acceptable?

If smacking/tapping is used only for very serious naughty behaviour, what is that behaviour? The worst thing I can imagine my child doing at this age is bullying/hitting another kid. So the ridiculously hypocritical scenario would be:

"DD you know that hitting is wrong and bad and should never be done! I will now hit you to punish you for your crime of hitting".

It's madness.

oh great, another stick to beat victims of abuse with.
this week: its all your fault... again.

I have never smacked my children…I have walked away,gone into the garden ,sat in my car for a few minutes…all to calm down!! I just think smacking/ hitting is a weakness and I would never behave like that with a child.

so what would have happened if your parents turned you away? would you have slept on the street with them for a month? no?

Having to sleep on your parents floor is having the means to leave. I'm sorry you had to.

I would end the relationship and have nothing more to do with them.

Nobody hits my child. No justification for it. I would not hit a child.

Would you be OK with a friend or teacher smacking your child? Because child do play up for others.

If not then why on earth would it be OK for a partner do so do.

I don't believe in smacking, there is plenty of other ways to teach children positive behaviour.

I would leave. Completely unacceptable.

People aren’t ‘too thick’ to see the difference, they just think both are wrong.

I personally think we can never have a meaningful debate about smacking because people desperately try to minimise or excuse it by using silly words like ‘tap.’ Tapping someone is what you do when you want their attention - like if I saw someone drop something on the bus I might tap their shoulder to bring their attention to it. Of course people will minimise the violent action they do to their children in temper/retaliation. But I wouldn’t allow it from my kids. If my son hit his sibling then said ‘it was only a tap. Because she did xyz.’ Then I’d say the amount of violence we can use on people is zero.

That’s the gist of it. Calling people thick because they don’t agree that hitting children a little bit is okay, and don’t accept the argument that it’s fine to slap a child because you’re not kicking them down the stairs, makes you look aggressive and like you can’t tolerate being disagreed with.

Adult child relationship is not the same as adult and adult.
I would check my child phones for example,decide what they eat,give them curfew ,I cannot do the same for an adult without it being abuse

Not a relevant comparison. We need to do these things for the safety and well-being of our dc. Not doing so in some situation could be considered neglect. We do not need to hit children for their safety and well-being and it's never neglectful to not hit a child. How anyone can conflate those comparisons shows an odd way of thinking.

Also those saying it's not illegal to smack a child - it is in Scotland and I think in Wales too.

“Any violence” towards you would be a deal breaker? But justified violence to your child is ok??!!

What if your partner gave you a warning before hitting you? Is that ok too? Because surely “it’s not your job to police” your partner’s relationship style?

Its so sad that people don’t view assault as assault, and instead view it as “reasonable chastisement”

'Hitting' means forcefully striking. The law already prohibits that. We are not talking about that .
desperately try to minimise or excuse it by using silly words like ‘tap.’ Tapping someone is what you do when you want their attention

Absolutely, no doubt in my mind. My love for my children is unconditional. My love for everyone else is conditional

If DH hit DD he'd be thrown from the top floor window quicker than he could say sorry.

And it's about time it was illegal
In the U.K.

so what would have happened if your parents turned you away? would you have slept on the street with them for a month? no?

@12yearsinazkaban absolutely yes. And no, I didn't have the means to leave. I'm not going to go into detail but standing on your parents step at 2am with your life in bags and 3 kids BEGGING them to let you in isn't having the means to leave. They told me to 'just go home' multiple times. It wasn't some loving family embrace with them welcoming us with open arms.

And I'd have slept ANYWHERE rather than going back to a home where my exh had started physically abusing my son. ANYWHERE.