To if your partner hit your child would you leave them?

[StarvedMagnolia]

What would you do if your partner hit your child? The first time? Would you leave them? Would it depend on what kind of "hitting" it was or what the circumstances are? Or the frequency?

It's a hypothetical situation for me but I always thought if my partner ever raised a hand against my or our child I would leave them irrespective of anything else. I'd feel as if I'm not protecting or standing up for my child otherwise. On the other hand I guess it's not that easy. (If it was a light smack and a one off it might be better for the kids to stay together?? Also, I've got no idea what the legal position is. Wouldn't the partner still have visiting / custody rights anyway or would any fork of violence always result in something like supervised visits only?) I don't think I could respect my partner if they were violent to my or our children.

I'm just wondering if I am being unreasonable. Every once in a while a thread crops up from an upset mum (I've only seen ones from mums) where they are devastated that they have hit their child and everyone tells them not to worry and to just move on. If my partner did that I don't think I could move on.

What do you think? Am I too extreme? Too sanctimonious to think that everyone (including me) can and should avoid being violent to their children?

@JoeGoldberg I understand this situation is personal to you but I'm going to have to ask you to calm down and stop accusing me of things. I'm not downplaying your problem. I'm referring to situations where the person can't leave because they have nowhere to go and it would leave them worse off. My mum for example, gave up her council house to live with her OH. She has equity in a property she shares with him and can't leave because she would be classed as intentionally homeless as she doesn't want to tell people that he is an abuser.

And she would stay if he was hitting her child?

She would choose to have her child in a household where a child is hit as a form of discipline, rather than admit he is abusive?

Been where your mum has and did leave. Not a chance would I have stayed if my children were being hit.

@SinaraSmith Some people have nowhere to go besides a homeless shelter or the street and it would leave them open to worse abuse especially if they are vulnerable. I have no idea why my mum wont disclose that he is an abuser but I'm sure she's got her reasons or she would've done it

For me I guess it would depend how likely it would be for him to have unsupervised access if I did leave. I wouldn't want to allow that so if the only option to monitor him was to stay, then what's what I would do. I would be very scared that a man who hits kids would do it more without someone to stop him, especially if he blamed them for the breakdown of the marriage (which I guess he would based on leaving due to hitting the dc)

So to answer your question, I don't know if I would leave but I can promise you all love would be gone.

There was a a thread of here the other day where a woman smacked her 4 year old and she got nothing but sympathy even someone saying children can provoke you to smack them! Funny how this thread is very different
It's because there's not 5 posters on mumsnet who post on every thread and all have the same opinions on every topic, but thousands who post on different threads and all have different opinions.

This!
Adult child relationship is not the same as adult and adult.
I would check my child phones for example,decide what they eat,give them curfew ,I cannot do the same for an adult without it being abuse

If something is considered wrong to ever be done by the judicial system or schools (hitting) we probably shouldn't be doing it to a child. Most other examples of punishment, there's a school or judicial equivalent of for adults. Smacking kids is also illegal in neariy 70 countries now. Including all of England's neighbouring countries. That should probably make us think

A one off slap because the partner has reached the end of their tether isn’t a good reason to break up the family. You’d hope the partner would feel guilty enough to reflect and look for ways to prevent this happening again. Regular bouts of anger, menacing, slaps and misplaced authoritarianism from the partner to the child would be plenty of reasons to leave the marriage.

The problem with that approach is that unless you try really hard to hurt the child or make it very unpleasant for them they might just decide that having a fork wiped on their arm or that a slap in the face isn't that bad at all and then what would you do?

To all those saying it’s always unacceptable:
if someone of whatever size hit your child wouldn’t you want your child to hit them back?
or at least you’d consider it reasonable?

If a husband had the final word on medical treatment for his wife, and decided where she was allowed to go, and never allowed her to go anywhere without him, that would be considered abusive. Yet the same is generally considered to be in their best interests when it's a child instead of a wife

All of the above we do to an adult if they are not considered competent to decide or be left alone. Eg. Due to severe learning difficulties. We don't hit them though I would hope!

Intent and severity are a factor. If intended as discipline and child isn't hurt then I wouldn't leave DH over it but we would have a talk about trying to be better than our parents (neither of us feel our parents were abusive but they did use smacking as discipline).

I do wonder why people are so keen to defend their right to hit their children. Is it a genuine belief that physical discipline is the ultimate child rearing technique and they could not be the best parents they can be if it were outlawed? Or because they want to be able to hit their kids without being reported to the police?

I always wonder this too. It's indefensible imo. All you are teaching them is that it's ok to hit people who are smaller and weaker than you if they displease you. Absolutely vile.

And I find sometimes it's the people who were smacked as kids who defend it and do it to their own in the spirit of 'it never did me any harm.' But it did. Because you're continuing it as if it's acceptable when it shouldn't be.

Yes, of course.

Every single one of these threads had numerous people staying that if it not ok to bit an adult then why would snacking a child be okay
Can those of you saying that honestly not think of things you might do, or day to a child that would not be acceptable to an adult.
They are A CHILD. Your job is to teach them how to be a decent human being. They need to know what is right and what is wrong. They need also to know that if you periodically do wrong things, there will be negative consequences. Some parents choose for one of those consequences to be a smack. Usually after many warnings that it will happen if the behaviour continues/ happens again.

Would you tell another adult to go to their bedroom and stay there?
Would you scream at them?
Would you sit then on a naughty step?
Would you deny them screen time or take treats away?
Would you tell an adult to wash their hands or go to the toilet or do their homework before screen time.
Can you not see that there are things adults do with/ say to children that would not be appropriate to do/say to an adult?
FWIW, I do not think snacking is a great way to teach an important point and I would be very concerned about any adult who' beat' a child( and by this I mean held down for several whacks/ implement used or hit anywhere around the head area) and also concerned at lashing out in anger, but if a child is hysterical, or perpetually hurting another child/ parent or doing something dangerous and refusing to stop, I think a quick snack can be totally appropriate and would certainly not leave a partner over this
If I had a partner who was generally aggressive, I would not be with them in the first place.

Even if a child was at risk?

She would allow him to abuse her child? That’s what I asked

Yes 100%. Attacking children, or anyone, is not on. But if someone physically assaulted my child I would not have them around my child again.

If they were defending their own safety. Yes I would be fine with him hitting another child back.

However, an adult hitting a child as punishment isn’t trying to preserve their own safety. The vast majority of times it is not because the adult is trying to protect themselves. If a parent hurt a child who was very strong and was hurting them and the parent defended themselves I think most people would have sympathy. But that’s not what we are talking about.

A one off end of tether smack- no
Violent assault - yes.
I wouldn't choose to have children with someone who used smacking as discipline.

By that logic, surely the expectation is that your child will hit you back if you hit them?

Yes. One off smack, yes I would leave.

I was hit alot as a child and I know how it feels. I would not be able to stomach staying.

It has to be said though that I am looking through a prism where I work with families who are usually in need in some way. Hitting in my experience is the tip of the iceberg and I would find it hard toi believe that it is not symptomatic of violence being normalised.

@SinaraSmith

What do you mean by at risk?

Yes she would allow him to abuse her child, and they were together during part of my childhood up to now. He's been abusive throughout, it's been very damaging, even though it was never physical from him though that I'm aware of. I would've rather taken a hit if I'm honest, mum has even acknowledged this and feels this way herself, so I'm unsure that she would draw the line at physical abuse. If there is any line, I'm not sure. They keep breaking up and getting back together, but she's never actually left him. Breaking up involves sleeping on the couch for a night and nothing else.

Just asking. I’m genuinely wondering how people think these days.
And yes, that’s always a risk.
I did hit my Dad back once.

@SinaraSmith
Thanks, I’m thinking of retaliation as much as self-defence.