To think we have ruined childrens play

[Beepbopblop]

I grew up on a working class estate, in a northern mill town. I am almost 34 and I had the best time with my friends growing up. I am comparing my child DS8, to my child hood and I am feeling a bit sad. Because;

1. From aged 8 I could ride wherever on my bike all over town
2. we had the most imaginative play, we kept up for the whole six weeks holidays that the mills behind us was haunted, I convinced a peer to trap a bee in a jar to save my life - we all knew it wasn’t true but played along as it was all part of the story, and ate a mud pie after sacrificing the bee…
3. I was allowed out to play from when my parents left for work until tea, and then from there until it got dark
4. we had secret woods, haunted woods, various (unsafe) rope swings and biking routes

In comparison DS8 gets to go on “play dates” and prearranged activities..

AIBU to grieve for the good times being a child and wonder why we are so closed off with our children

I grew up in the sixties and seventies, and I will not wax lyrically about the 'freedom' we had as children. It was a different world. However, my children (brought up in the early 2000s) could engage in many of the activities I enjoyed forty or so years before.

They went for long bike rides, but as a family, down cycle tracks, rather than unsupervised on the public road. They went swimming, but they used the local swimming pool, not the open water that we 'messed around' in as children. They joined groups as younger children (primary age), so any fallings out could be mediated and they could learn social skills. They were allowed free time and free play, but mobile phones and strict boundaries made this much safer.

What is more, although I had a lot of freedom and unrestricted play in my childhood, it is the time I spent with my whole family that I remember as being the happiest. I never felt totally 'safe' with my siblings and/or friends if we wandered too far from home, especially as a pre-teen child.

@toomuchlaundry I was allowed to do that with a neighbours baby back in the 90's. To this day I cannot believe they let me do that. I must of been about 9 and the baby was about 1. I was friends with their older kids and used to ask all the time if I could take their baby a walk (never chapped strangers doors) One day they said yes and I went alone (around the street) walking the baby. I think about it often in disbelief that they let me do that but in my street in the 90's it seemed to be the norm.

My town doesn't have any green spaces, woods or parklands. They were all built on. I could send them out of the front door but there's nowhere to go.

Skateboarding is punishable by a 250 quid fine, but there are of course no skate parks.

People ring the police around here if children so much as walk home from school, let alone play out.

Last week some kids went out but a group of older kids stole their phones and beat them quite savagely, with one child still in hospital with had wounds from the butt of a knife. Police are warning of areas that are not safe.

Just your average English town.

A lot of children with sensory processing issues/ND, or behavioural issues, would just have been treated as 'naughty' or 'stupid' in the past. Very little understanding of their difficulties or attempts to help them learn, but instead behaviour would be (often unsuccessfully) kept in check through instilling fear and constant physical punishment.

At least teachers and parents nowadays have an increased willingness to work with children in this situation, and the tools to do this. Life is so, so much better for many children than it would have been in the past.

The rape and murder, let alone kidnap of children is extremely rare by strangers or random people outside the home.
almost all child murders and sexual abuse/rape is perpetrated by family members or close contact behind closed doors.
so statistically with respect to those crimes a child is safer not being in the home.
in these days of instant news and social media a lot of people over estimate the frequency of these crimes and particularly stranger danger.

also statistically most people in A&E have accidents like slips and trips in the home. For instance one of most common causes of injuries in children are trampolines- usually the crap ones people put in their gardens so the kids don’t have to go to a park to let off steam because that is considered a bigger risk 🤦‍♀️

Yes, I agree that mitigation of risk is needed as a parent. But you can only mitigate risk if you correctly identify the risks and probability. Otherwise all you are doing is creating more problems in the long term around helicopter parenting.

incidentally the laws around seatbelts came in because of the extremely high levels of death and injury. It was worth the money spent by government to enforce it simply because of the money it was costing the NHS, Police, fire brigade quite literally picking up pieces when people didn’t wear them. It was a no brainer in terms of risk assessment. However, it was fought against at the time as a restriction on personal freedom and took years to come into force.

Exactly as per this discussion- you have to balance freedom with risk mitigation. Whilst you may save some children from being hurt or killed, it has to be proportional to the risk given it limits freedoms that are massively important to child development

Take all the risk away as Children to ensure they don't grow up to be well rounded adults.

Poor parenting is rife and now seemingly encouraged.

It’s not just a time thing - I grew up in the 60s on a council estate and we were pretty much left to our own devices and roamed around the estate and nearby countryside with our friends
my DC grew up early 90s and had less opportunity as we are quite rural and there were few children for them to play with so relied on being dropped off places (not much of a bus service either)
Once they got past 10/11 they were able to walk or cycle 5-10 miles to school and meet up with friends

Quite concerning if a driver didn't see children playing in the road, perhaps a trip to Barnard Castle? Reading this thread makes it sound like children were mowed down in huge numbers back in the day, or that if a child at a reasonable age is let out by themselves it's a major risk, when it isn't.

Let's not pretend that that type of parenting was an active choice.

The free roaming kids were that way either due to necessity or disinterest/thinking kids should just get on with it and be out from under their feet.

Exactly as per this discussion- you have to balance freedom with risk mitigation. Whilst you may save some children from being hurt or killed, it has to be proportional to the risk given it limits freedoms that are massively important to child development

Yes this! A lot have lost sense of proportionality and children not developing some of these skills because they don't have the chance won't do any favours.

@Dinoclaw statistics disagree with you.

Maybe not huge numbers,but definitely plenty, and a lot more than today. The numbers have massively decreased once "free roaming " decreased despite more cars being on the road.

 The number of children seriously injured has fallen every year since 1995. The highest annual figure was 11,822 in 1979 and the lowest annual figure was 1,932 in 2013, 87 per cent lower than the 1979 total.

And that's without fatalities.

That's a sweeping statement. We were always welcome at our house and at friends' homes during the day if we wanted to play there or grab a drink etc. For some yes it wasn't a choice, but for many it was a choice both the parents and the children made.

So nothing to do with improved safety standards, all just because children aren't allowed out by themselves anymore? Any proof of that?

Had moderate freedom. Got sexually abused, hit by a car and beaten up by older kids. Later was sexually assaulted by more boys/men, had a motorbike crash and nearly drowned. I remember two peers who didn’t make it to adult hood due to the lack of guardianship and others whose lives were blighted by addictions, early pregnancies and poverty when they were people who should have thrived. I did acquire skills but it was less than ideal. My kids have been offered more freedom than they take. Am ok with that. They are competent people and skilled for the lives they want.

Not all the time. I would often play with friends in the next village. They lived up a dead end lane with no traffic. We would play out all day long, building go carts, climbing trees, making dens.
my friend’s parents (two brothers) were both middle class ‘earth parent’ types who believed in giving children freedom.

@Dinoclaw because if it was because of improved safety standards, the numbers would still be going down. However throughout the 2000's they're fairly similar . A lot has changed in regards to road safety and car manufacturing in the last 20 years, however none of it seems to have had a significant impact on the numbers.

@PriamFarrl ok I should've said most rather than all. There will always be some exceptions. Just like there are free roaming kids today , or the kids that were kept on a very tight leash back then for example. Those are outliers. Societal trends though, go at population level rather than individual level.

I can definitely accept that for some families it was an active choice or parenting decision.

I was a kid in the 70s/80s in London.

Loads of roaming. Loads of trouble. V streetwise from v young.

My kids - 3 born in late 90s - some freedom but we'd moved to the countryside to different kettle of fish. Youngest DD is 8. No she doesn't roam.

The up and down of it is - kids which have freedom will get life experience but will run into trouble. Kids with no freedom will not have the 'life experience' but will be safe. You just can't have it both ways.

We live in a constant state of fear now.
l grew up in a totally different world, my Mum was very relaxed and we had alot of freedom.
The positives were that we grew up around nature, in the fresh air, we were always out, never in, we were extremely fit and healthy, walked and cycled miles either alone from a young age or with group of friends, we were street wise, and l knew my local area like the back of my hand.
The negatives were l was asked to get into a car by a stranger playing with himself when l approx 6/7 yrs old, and I also fell into a river twice.
I always tried to create a healthy balance with my own two sons, the thing is now they are older teenagers you dont have the same control and just hope they make good choices.

It’s something I’ve discussed with DH. Over the years the traffic on our street has increased as has the number of cars, no way would I let DD play out there.
where I grew up families had one car, which mostly went with dad to work so it was very quiet during the day. I can remember walking about and how few cars there were. That area now is constantly busy.
saying that I was still nearly run over a few times.

I roamed for miles. We went to different villages, cycling on dangerous roads and getting lost. Coming home after dark because we didn’t know where we were. We played on building sites and went into houses where we didn’t know the people. I know people who were abused and beaten up whilst out.
DH grew up in a city centre and went where he liked but being a boy with a group of boys would be different for DD now if we lived there now.

I think the main issue is we all arranged our own play time with friends from school and kids from playgrounds. Even if it was playing in their garden or outside their house. Now it’s all parents involved far far too much. They often try and decide who their kids are friends with based on whether they want to be friends with the parents (I had this issue in primary school, parents picking and choosing their kids friends).
DD has also been to houses where the parents get too involved with the children, setting up activities and being there all the time (DD hated this). I used to tell them to go amuse themselves, kids need to be left alone to play.

I'd say you're hankering after a very unsafe time, and that your parents were very neglectful. My children were born between 1970 and 1977, and were not allowed the freedom you had, because paedophilia was known about even then, and because I understood the dangers of traffic for children who cannot even begin to estimate the speed of an oncoming car until they reach the age of ten.
Play dates do not restrict children's imaginations, unless they spend them on computers!

I don’t allow my 9 year old to play out alone , however we go the park every dry day after school, along with many of her school friends. She has free rein of the park and they make dens, climb trees and play games. She doesn’t have to be in my vision so has plenty of freedom but I’m close if needed. We are often there for 2 hours or more, I’m armed with PB sandwiches and hot chocolate and my kindle. At weekends we cycle, and as we are lucky enough to live near the sea, go rock scrambling or coast path walking. I think she has plenty of freedom but we are lucky in that I work part time so can take her every day.

She can also go with her 11 year old brother as long as they are not arguing and he has his mobile.

I'm a 70s child. I grew up playing outside on my own or with friends. We still had dangers. My friend was knocked down by a car. We had warnings of a local flasher. I remember fondly playing outside with old sheets in a den with my dolls or on the big field behind our house with a gang of kids same age. We also had a community go kart, a big wooden green thing that we all piled onto and take turns sat at the back pushing with our legs. Our imaginations held no bounds and yes we did seem to have alot of freedom. We also had curfews and dinner times. That being said I also used to go home and was abused by my step dad so I guess it was safer for me outside the house than inside. Today though we have gangs of kids roaming the estate just to make trouble, smashing things up, swearing. We live by a huge playing field so have front row seats as it wear to the kids today. Sadly I don't witness many of them innocently playing but I guess it's down to parents being more cautious and worried about their children being harassed by the older kids. I wish I could have been more relaxed about letting my kids roam about but we are more aware of the problems around us and want to keep our kids safe. They have plenty of outside experiences though. We've had horses, camped loads, met with friends in the local woods or parks, built dens in gardens etc etc but at least we could be there if something happened which fortunately hasn't been the case but sadly for some other children they have been injured or killed.

I find it interesting that the posters who insist it was so much better and perfect and idyllic also seem to sing from the 80's hymn sheet of "it never happened and if it did it wasn't that bad..".

I don't think anyone is saying things were perfect are they? I'd say with the knowledge and advances we now have, including mobile phones, there is probably a better balance than children being more confined as they are now and how things were. Still don't recognise this world where lots got hit by cars though, that's not saying I don't think it happened, but not to the levels it would seem from this thread. There's a bit of both isn't there, idealisation and also remembering the bad stuff at expense of the majority.