To think we have ruined childrens play

[Beepbopblop]

I grew up on a working class estate, in a northern mill town. I am almost 34 and I had the best time with my friends growing up. I am comparing my child DS8, to my child hood and I am feeling a bit sad. Because;

1. From aged 8 I could ride wherever on my bike all over town
2. we had the most imaginative play, we kept up for the whole six weeks holidays that the mills behind us was haunted, I convinced a peer to trap a bee in a jar to save my life - we all knew it wasn’t true but played along as it was all part of the story, and ate a mud pie after sacrificing the bee…
3. I was allowed out to play from when my parents left for work until tea, and then from there until it got dark
4. we had secret woods, haunted woods, various (unsafe) rope swings and biking routes

In comparison DS8 gets to go on “play dates” and prearranged activities..

AIBU to grieve for the good times being a child and wonder why we are so closed off with our children

@starrynight21 I really think it also depended on family income . We were working class , to have a decent standard of living both parents worked .Also Granny was still working too . I am only talking about the '70's here . Working class life was more dangerous , it just was more precarious .And no there was none of this childcare thing way back then .

I think we're not very good at judging risk. And because 24hr news, online news and SM are so prevalent, accidents are reported so much more now than in the past. If you think we now know much more about the happenings of 67m uk citizens. We can't judge that 1, or 5, in 67m is not a lot instead we think of that 1, or 5, being part of our personal social group which inevitable makes life today seem so much riskier. And so we try to reduce all risk. Whereas in the past people were not bombarded with bad news stories, so they judged risks based on their own personal knowledge and that of friends where inevitably accidents were lower.

It seems strange that we don't let children play out because it's so dangerous. And yet we persist on being overweight which increases the risk of us dying of heart attacks, strokes and cancer.

I agree completely OP. I think we are doing our kids a massive disservice and robbing them of the chance to learn essential life skills and confidence by the current trend for helicopter parenting. I think it's part of the cause if the poor mental health epidemic we are seeing in our young people.

YANBU. Some parents I knew years ago wouldnt let their kids ride around our quiet village on their bikes with their mates / go to the park with others or let them walk to school. After primary school if DD (aged 9-11) wanted to do something in the neighbourhood with her mates we would let her, they would either knock at each others door or organise it whilst at school. I rarely organised playdates, maybe in the school hols

This was before smart phones but DD had a watch so she knew what time to come home, once DD was late coming home, it was a summers evening so I can see how she lost track of time. She got a massive dressing down from both DH and I, and it never happened again.

By all means I am not advocating for children to be left out from dawn to dusk but they need to learn some independence and learn how to play which is not organised by their parents.

I think that pps have made good points about the trade off society has made between physical safety and mental health and diet.
To be honest we don't know the statistics and as others have said many children now are living due to medical advances who would have died at another time.
Another good point was how we are bombarded with information, starting with 24hr news but even more through our smartphones where selection of news stories isn't random and therefore we are subjected to an unbalanced view of what is happening. Parents find it incredibly hard to tune out all the bad news regarding children and make more neutral decisions. I can only say this though. If you feel your children are missing out of some things you experienced, try to enable some more freedom for them, but in a way you feel is appropriate today. They don't need to be out from morning till night, they haven't got anything to compare it to. A couple of hours with friends somewhere prearranged will give them new experiences.

I'm the same age as you and had a very different childhood. I also lived on a council estate. I was allowed to ride my bike in the garden and up and down the pavement as long as I could be seen from the house, unless we went on a family bike ride when I was supervised going further. I had weekly play dates with friends after school and largely our play was confined to gardens and bedrooms (unless we were taken to parks, for example). I was allowed out to play but had to be within sight of the house and it was the same for the kids on my road. If we went in each other's gardens we had to tell our parents first. It wasn't until secondary school that we had more freedom. I went to the woods, rivers and lakes, beaches etc but always supervised by an adult. My parents always knew where I was and I was always close enough to see or shout! I certainly wasn't roaming all over town until dark without parents knowing where I was. I don't know if my parents were unusual but it certainly seemed as though my friends all had similar rules/experiences.

I suppose for the majority who got to enjoy freedom, got to learn soft skills and have adventures it was better and for the small numbers who met sticky ends it was worse. Obviously you don't know which kids will be in that minority so you have to figure out if it's worth the risks.

I didn't get to do anything like this and used to get really jealous reading old books and imagining it. The other problem I had was I was bussed to school at secondary so even when I was old enough for more freedom my friends didn't live near enough so it was still pre arranged playdates. I feel I missed a lot of social development.

No, kids were not getting raped and murdered apart from very rare examples. Accidents yes, but the vast majority were and still are car accidents. The truth is that children's freedom and mental health have been sacrificed because in this country it's not politically expedient to design safe roads and enforce traffic law.

Yes I agree with this

Even if you want your kids to have the same childhood you did it's hard to go against the social pressure of what's considered the norm.

Does anyone remember that story of that 8 and 5 year old being allowed to cycle to school and the backlash the parents got? Don't most schools ban kids walking home alone nowadays?

A lot of it is also that life is easier for parents. Most people in the 70s didn't have cars so wouldn't be able to drive their children everywhere. And screens now mean that children can be kept quiet at home . Before screens parents would have to send their kids out because they would be driving them mad cooped up in a small house.

I also think the risk of risk is over played. I mean obviously it's not nice to see an old man waving their penis at you but if you are aware of this kind of thing when young you are going to grow up more resilient to it, and not have a mental health crisis as soon as something mildly bad happens when you're an adult.

Dealing with some manageable risk and unpleasant things as a youngster is a really important part of developing good mental health.

Also it helps you put other things into perspective. Part of the reason for mental health problems is not being able to put into perspective the problems that face you. Therefore very minor things get blown out of all proportion

I disagree my kids play constantly!! I might feel differently if they didn’t have a sibling and they’re still young but we have constant roleplay and imaginative play. At parks they are always playing climbing trees, pushing their own safety limits. I hope to allow them freedom to ‘hang out’ with mates when they’re older locally so they have some freedom within reason. I really don’t see how kids aren’t playing? One thing I will never do is buy them a gaming device as I’ve seen this seriously impact kids wanting to go outside or play.
I grew up in the countryside with few local friends and remember being incredibly bored a lot of the time and lonely. I make a real effort to make sure my kids can properly play and encourage play dates/new friends in the park.

Parents are more child focussed now. One of the reasons you were playing out dawn to dusk in the old days was because your parents were busy either at work or in the home, and there was no formal childcare available. When there was free time children weren’t necessarily high priority. How many of us can remember our parents going to the pub and leaving us in the car with a bag of crisps!

Family time is more important nowadays.

Also there are more activities available now then there used to be

This is really interesting. I'm your age but my childhood was nothing like that. At age 8/9 I went to the local shop so I was gone for 20 mins. My brother at the same age would go on his bike but only on our road for an hour or so.

Our parents took us to the park, on days out, played games with us. So my children are having a similar childhood to me. My eldest is 6, but currently they do all the imaginative games but with each other in the garden etc. I remember doing the same. My mum had more freedom growing up, and largely found it fairly boring, so I guess it is personality dependent.

We recently moved to a new road and finally have kids actually playing out! I love it, and I hope it continues when my dc is old enough to do it.

I had a childhood much like you describe op, except the parents being out at work. My mum worked nights and dad days so there was always someone in when I was out.

The rule was to come home when the streetlights came on. We wernt allowed out of our estate but there were loads of great places to play and cause mischief.

I think the big difference between then and now is we all knew our neighbours. We would have eyes on us all the time but we were blissfully unaware. If someone had an accident there were loads of houses we could go to and ask for help, which ever was closest.

I had a good childhood in a rural location, doing all those things similar to yours. Loved it up until the age of 11ish, but a nightmare as a teenager. All my secondary school friends lived in other villages, I had to rely on mum and dad to transport me places, I was so bored and relieved to get away to Uni.
Thankfully my teen DCs live near all their school friends and are regularly out and round at their houses, going into town, having fun as they should. They now have what I didn't at their age

If your childhood was so amazing and perfect (killing insects is a fond memory for you?! 😬strange ) then why aren't you making sure your own child has the freedom to do exactly what he wants, where he wants from morning till dusk? Nothing stopping you!

Yes exactly - some people still let their children roam freely, the OP could do this too.

It wasn't so idyllic IMO.

I agree, its sad that children dont have the freedom of my 80s childhood. The streets used to be full of kids playing. Never any shortage of people to play with.

Yanbu.

My DD’s only access to other children is either at school where they’re given almost no time to play, or on prearranged playdates. On those playdates (which are exhaustingly hard to arrange as so many parents don’t want to feel obligated) the vast majority of children ask constantly for screentime - tv/ipad/xbox - and we only know one child who’s any good at imaginative play.

It’s really sad and developmentally worrying. We have an amazing home packed with toys, climbing frame, den building stuff, big garden etc but guests keep saying “everything except xbox is boring”. 😭

Absolutely depends where you live. I’m on a safe cul de sac in a quiet village yet no kids play out at all. We’ve spent loads of time scooting on the street etc. No one there.

I think lots of places are busier and less safe, especially in cities so it is hard for some families to let their children have that free reign. However, I live in a quiet town and my kids do play out with others, they have a lovely time building dens, learning how to sort out squabbles etc. There are boundaries to where the youngest (9) can go (think leafy estate with park and not out on the main road) and has to come back and let me know if she is going in a friends house or garden. At first when she inevitably didn't do this she lost the privilege for a week and learnt from it. There are other children living nearby her age who are not allowed out to play alone and I do think this is a shame. How will they build independence?

I live in a fairly safe (almost but not quite gated) neighbourhood and despite lots of other children living here, none of them ever seem to come out to play. I would be happy to let ds 8 to be out for hours... In fact... I'd love it if he was out biking/running around/making dens etc but there is nobody for him to play with. I think it's a real shame.

I do remember those days in the 70s and lots of fun times climbing trees and -laying games, but I think in our family we had too much freedom. My and my siblings were off on our own aged 4-6, on one occasion I was badly injured by some broken glass in the park. I was carried home by an old man who spoke no English and my younger sister had to show him the way. He was lovely, but he could easily not have been.

it wasn’t just the rare kidnaps and murders, but the much more common sexual abuse, that was a danger, as well as car accidents.

I do agree that kids need outdoor play but that’s still possible. Kids around here still play out, in the shared grounds of our block of flats, and my dd likes going to a friend’s where they have a “den” and rope swing and they all hang out there. Dd was also telling me about a big group game they all got into at school involving throwing things at a target - the simplest game but they had loads of fun.

kids will still do it if they have a chance.