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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad at this birthday present for DS?

160 replies

JakeyRolling · 01/05/2022 16:11

DS turned 4 today.

He's on the pathway for an autism diagnosis and has major sensory issues with his feet and, especially, his hands.

DF knows this and yet bought him slime for his birthday. Not only is it marked for 6+ but DS won't touch it - and if he did get any on his hands it would lead to a major meltdown.

It's not the first time DF had bought age/condition-inappropriate gifts - he got him Guess Who last year - for a child who is severely verbally delayed - and a drone at Christmas.

It all just feels a bit like he's buying for the grandchild he wishes he had rather than the one he's got.

DS is very bright and loves mechanical things/things he can build but DF ignores this when choosing gifts.

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 01/05/2022 16:14

I’m not sure it sounds like he’s buying for the grandchild he wished he had, slime doesn’t really suggest that; but it does seem that he might just be googling for popular presents for X age children and buying them without thinking about DS specifically. Slime and drones have definitely been on lists recently when I’ve googled for ideas for friends children.

Did you talk to him after the last lot of inappropriate gifts?

Ponoka7 · 01/05/2022 16:16

My sister used to do the same. You need to have a frank conversation with him. Some people don't quite believe the sensory issues and think that if they were pushed, they would get over them.

LakieLady · 01/05/2022 16:16

Maybe give the GPs a list of things that DS would enjoy in advance of birthdays and Christmas in future.

CarrieCookie · 01/05/2022 16:17

Maybe he thought it might help? If he loves mechanical things surely the drone was a good gift?
I don’t think you can get mad at him for buying stuff for your DS, maybe he just didn’t think? I doubt he’s buying it for the GC ‘he wished he had’, I think that’s you being overly sensitive.

LetitiaLeghorn · 01/05/2022 16:18

Maybe he thought that he'd like the gift and it would help him to get over the sensory issues? Give him a list for the next birthday Christmas.

KangarooKenny · 01/05/2022 16:18

Have a conversation about it then, if he continues to buy inappropriate presents, send them straight to the charity shop or ask for the receipt.

Original poster
JakeyRolling · 01/05/2022 16:19

Sorry this will seem like a drip feed.
We live in a built up area so drone flying is illegal.

Ds also has form for fussing over DS' "best friend" who is NT, while not really knowing how to engage with DS, while making comments like "we need to get you talking".

OP posts:
Original poster
JakeyRolling · 01/05/2022 16:20

And I had the conversation after the drone.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 01/05/2022 16:21

Then ask for the receipt , or straight to charity shop.

PeekabooAtheZoo · 01/05/2022 16:23

Oh I have PILs like this. I don't know what to do about it but I really feel for you. Mine always go on and on and on about the presents they bought while I bite my lip because IDK how to say anything without seeming rude and ungrateful.

The latest one was a "first reader" which absolutely wasn't suitable for a two-year-old who only said "mummy" for the first time after he turned two and who uses two-word sentences.

It does seem to be aimed at the grandchild they wish they had rather than the one they have. When they visited for the first time two weeks before I was due with DC2, we took them with us swimming as we thought they'd enjoy being included. They just nonstop kept telling us "look that child's younger than DS and he's got his face under the water! Get DS to do it!" "That child's younger than DS and he's just said thank you. Why haven't you taught DS to say thank you?"
I blame pregnancy hormones but at one point I replied with "comparison is the thief of joy".

It's really tedious.

PeekabooAtheZoo · 01/05/2022 16:26

and who uses two-word sentences.
should have read,
and who barely uses two-word sentences.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 01/05/2022 16:26

YABU He probably thought ds would enjoy the texture of it. You should be grateful for gifts - even ones that don't quite hit right are usually given with thought/love.

Clymene · 01/05/2022 16:28

Do you give him a list of things your DS would like?

PeekAtYou · 01/05/2022 16:31

Playing devil's advocate here but does your father know somebody who has a child with autism ? Is it possible that child enjoys drones , slime etc and your father has assumed all children with autism are the same?

Does he shop online or in a real shop? Os there someone who can steer him towards something that your son might like ?

LemonadeSunshine · 01/05/2022 16:32

We have consistently had shit presents from the PILs. I take a photo with item in view then it's always the time to play with something else if they're visiting, after which said item is offloaded.
Some battles aren't worth having if the DCs aren't affected or bothered.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 01/05/2022 16:33

Plenty of autistic kids would love the sensory input from slime - my own definitely would so it's possible he saw it marketed as something suitable for kids with sensory issues and bought it.

Oizys · 01/05/2022 16:33

He might not have realised DS wouldn’t enjoy slime?

my almost 4 yr old is on the autism pathway and very sensory seeking he loves slime. Not as keen on the wet slippery ones but the marshmallows type one he adores. Your dad might have just misunderstood

Pumperthepumper · 01/05/2022 16:37

I don’t think those things sound like a dig on the face of things. He maybe thought your son would enjoy the texture of slime and he could play with the flappy bits of guess who without actually playing the game. They don’t sound great presents, but more thoughtless than deliberately horrible.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/05/2022 16:41

Dd was bought a soft toy ornament with ‘this is not a toy’ on it when she was a baby. Some people are clueless or can’t be bothered. There is no way I could have given these people a wish list as it would have caused friction but maybe you could for your dad?

Fortbite · 01/05/2022 16:46

The things he has bought wouldn't be suitable for any 4 year old really, so I think you're reading too much into it but can see why. The slime I expect he asked or googled for a popular toy rather than anything else, whilst everyone is different it is widely acknowledged as being a positive sensory experience for some with autism, so perhaps he even googled that. Have you spoken to him about it?

ImprobablePuffin · 01/05/2022 16:49

As a SEN parent I have had to accept that other people simply won't think about this stuff and will just buy stuff that looks fun for your kid.

It's annoying, I know. But it isn't a slur on your kid it's just people not thinking before they buy stuff.

hiredandsqueak · 01/05/2022 16:49

I think you just have to give people ideas for presents tbh. I have a son and a daughter with autism, they are polar opposites so what could be the best present ever for one would be hideous for the other so it's really difficult to give a general idea.

northernlola · 01/05/2022 16:51

I know how you feel, I think the easiest way is to just accept the gifts then pass them swiftly on. My son has a physical disability that means he wears splints on his legs. As a result we use specific socks and shoes. My MIL often buys generic boys character socks from the likes of B&Ms. Totally useless for us. I just put them straight in a charity bag and they leave the house! I don't have the energy to get into debates about it.

ImprobablePuffin · 01/05/2022 16:53

hiredandsqueak · 01/05/2022 16:49

I think you just have to give people ideas for presents tbh. I have a son and a daughter with autism, they are polar opposites so what could be the best present ever for one would be hideous for the other so it's really difficult to give a general idea.

Same here. 2 SEN kids. One loves sensory stuff like slime and the other will scream if a speck of glitter is on him.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/05/2022 16:57

It is so hard to know what gifts are age appropriate when you don't have children that age. I have already forgotten what DS(7) played with at whatage, so I'm not surprised your FIL struggles.

I would have thought the slime was a good call tbh.