To be mad at this birthday present for DS?

[JakeyRolling]

DS turned 4 today.

He's on the pathway for an autism diagnosis and has major sensory issues with his feet and, especially, his hands.

DF knows this and yet bought him slime for his birthday. Not only is it marked for 6+ but DS won't touch it - and if he did get any on his hands it would lead to a major meltdown.

It's not the first time DF had bought age/condition-inappropriate gifts - he got him Guess Who last year - for a child who is severely verbally delayed - and a drone at Christmas.

It all just feels a bit like he's buying for the grandchild he wishes he had rather than the one he's got.

DS is very bright and loves mechanical things/things he can build but DF ignores this when choosing gifts.

I think you are overreacting re slime.

. But i get that you are sad though that your dad wants your kid to be a normal 4yo...He needs to accept your kid is autistic and that it is not something you grow out off or get over

Talk to him.

Ps my in laws always buy age inappropriate gifts though so maybe it is just cuz theyre old senial

Having an autistic child, with sensory issues, I think that neither of you are in the wrong.
You almost wish to limit his exposure of gifts etc, when slime at the age of 4 or 5is probably viewed as the norm for many children, so I'd say it's not a "bad" present.
Equally, I'm always pleasantly surprised when we do try to something and it works out favourably.
My own child has problems with many things on their hands, but loves the silky feel of slime, playdoh yet couldn't manage silky materials for bedding or clothing.
It sounds as though your dad goes into a shop and takes advice about what toys are the current trends.
Be grateful that he takes an interest.

Definitely make lists/give ideas of what to buy - all our parents/GP's ask for ideas. My side stick to it mostly - DH's usually do.

You are definitely over reacting regarding this.. Some people are just rubbish at buying presents. Just before the next birthday tell your DF the kind of things that your child would really like and appreciate. Send him a list of things to choose from.

I agree with this. Many, many autistic people enjoy things like slime. I personally did not know that drones are illegal in built up areas, but can't you use the drone by taking your son out to a field in the country once every so often?

Your better off giving him a list, I also have a child who is autistic and one under-diagnosis and this is always the best way as unfortunately, kids are very hard to buy for especially with SEN. I'm sure he's not trying to be hurtful in any way or trying to buy for the grandchild he wishes he had just very hard to understand unless he's there every day constantly like you are.

I can fully appreciate where your coming from & of course it feels like he’s buying for the grandchild he wishes he had not the one he’s got, but I’m sure he loves his grandson dearly.
maybe have a chat & say look we could not let him have his birthday present because of the reaction it would cause, he would have suffered dreadfully & we can’t inflict that on him; when it comes to Christmas, birthdays, Easter why don’t you give Grandad a list of gifts your son would absolutely love Grandad to pick from & buy him that way you have an element of control over the gift, I’d even go so far as to suggest grandad helps your son with the gift so he can see first hand the joy, the gift brings him, maybe then the penny will finally drop for grandad x

YABU.

I have an autistic child. Look up suggested gifts. Slime is a top gift.

It sounds like your father needs some
educating, maybe his lack of understanding of autism (and the current lack of diagnosis) means he doesn’t know how to engage with your son. Instead of asking about it he is getting defensive.

Could you have a conversation about autism with him in a way that he knows that it’s new to all of you, you are all finding your way and would like him to be able to enjoy time with his grandson.

I understand how frustrating it is for you, disappointing that your son can’t enjoy gifts from his grandfather and your father can’t enjoy any delight from his grandson when receiving and playing with his gift.

I hope you find a way to work it out.

You sound very hard work. If someone gets a gift that's not something my kids will enjoy I just pop it in my wardrobe to be regifted. It's not that hard and it's not something to get all hurt over it happens all the time and slime is the most popular gift for kids 4-11 at the moment in my experience. Your lucky you have grandparents who care enough to be involved and can afford a gift

Give him a list .My sister in law gave my middle child (daughter) with severe eczema totally unsuitable creams bath stuff etc and she knew it Told her repeatedly not to buy stuff but never listened

I can see why you’re upset @JakeyRolling as I view this incident more as a “ the straw that broke the camels back” scenario.

It appears if this was in isolation it wouldn’t have been as bad but with the history of gifts and the complicated family dynamics it’s understandable.

However, to focus on this specific gift, could your df have thought that this may help ds to explore more sensory input? I observe, support and facilitate plans for SEND chn as part of my job. Slime is something than many Asd chn adore even if they don’t like more viscous materials such as paint, bubble water and cornflour.

Moving forward I’d give a “suggestions” list for gifts. Also maybe take a step back from the WhatsApp group for a little bit.

finally a very happy birthday to your ds. 🎉

It isn't just "don't like, no one could have predicted it!" tho. He knows it's inappropriate and brought it anyway because he either didn't put much thought into it or figured he should have got over it by now and he like a "normal kid"

Lots of children with ASD (including my own) are obsessed by guess who and it probably came up as a recommendation.

My daughter has sensory issues but loves slime. It’s bizarre how she does but she finds it really calming and loves listening to the sound of it. So maybe he thought it might have the same effect. And maybe, he thought Guess Who might be good to help with communication. You never know.

You're being a nutter.

Slime is one of the best presents for children with sensory issues, generally tbh.

Guess Who can be played with children with limited speech, successfully .

Your DF’s choices are not that bad tbh

Without knowing your DF, of course, I'd take it in the spirit it was given in, and quietly pass it on. If he asks about it, then tell him why.

I agree with a PP that said this isn't about the gifts. It's about your relationship with your DF and feeling you can challenge him on behalf of your son as a proxy for challenging your DF on whatever is really bothering you.

The gifts aren't that inconsiderate. Slime can be used/enjoyed in sensory play even if it needs to be wrapped as a PP said. It's not a big leap to think a child who likes mechanical things would like a drone. And most people need to go out somewhere to fly a drone.

Sometimes I think that people don't intentionally mean to offend, but they do by not thinking. My Grandad bought me swing ball and a pogo-stick for my 6th birthday. When I was 5 I was hit by a car and wheelchair bound until I was nearly 10, he loves me I know he does. I just think he didn't think and asked someone what to buy a 6 year old! There might not be much more to this than that, annoying and insensitive yes, careless and unloving perhaps not. Sending love OP

Poor guy probably asked in the shop what was good for sensory play. Some ASD kids adore slime. Mine never wanted to do handprint painting or spaghetti in jelly (thank goodness!) Sounds like he's floundering about what to get. Be grateful he takes the time to buy gifts at all. So easy to give cash or get you to buy something from him that he pays for. Maybe give a list of things he could get?

Actually you've jogged another memory for me here. My auntie when I was somewhere between 6-10 bought me a pair of light up trainers. They were all the rage, only, I couldn't walk so they never lit up. I am sure she would be mortified looking back as we have a really lovely relationship, but at the time I know she bought my cousin a pair and probably thought ohhh my niece would love that. I think having read the thread this seems more of a general problem with your Dad and you and not actually about the slime. The slime was a bad move, yes, but it seems this is probably just the straw that broke the camels back and there's actually a lot more going on under the surface

I'm sure your dad meant well buying it. Buying something that is a year or two above the recommended age is pretty usual. I'd regift if I were you. Most children get presents that they don't like. If the whole present thing is upsetting and fraught, perhaps next time suggest a couple of things to your father that you think your son would like. It sounds like it's not really the present that is upsetting but a feeling that you want some support and understanding about your son's autism.

Some autistic children love slime others don’t. Just be grateful he shows an interest and buys him anything. Maybe more communication. My son always lets me know what to buy.