To be mad at this birthday present for DS?

[JakeyRolling]

DS turned 4 today.

He's on the pathway for an autism diagnosis and has major sensory issues with his feet and, especially, his hands.

DF knows this and yet bought him slime for his birthday. Not only is it marked for 6+ but DS won't touch it - and if he did get any on his hands it would lead to a major meltdown.

It's not the first time DF had bought age/condition-inappropriate gifts - he got him Guess Who last year - for a child who is severely verbally delayed - and a drone at Christmas.

It all just feels a bit like he's buying for the grandchild he wishes he had rather than the one he's got.

DS is very bright and loves mechanical things/things he can build but DF ignores this when choosing gifts.

Hi OP, in nicest kindest way, think YABU as I wouldn't have considered slime being inappropriate for a child having sensory issues or potentially autistic.

You are being very harsh. I know as many children with ASC and sensory issues who would love a pot of slime as would not. Your father could perhaps have asked, but should not be expected to be a mind reader.

To be fair my nephew’s speech therapist suggested Guess Who as a Christmas gift for our autistic nephew. Also speech delayed.

Although he was six.

This^
Maybe he’s just buying presents without realised your DS won’t like them/be unable to get enjoyment from them.
DD is 6 and we sometimes buy things that are for older age groups - sometimes she loves them, other times we just put them away until she’s older.

I think YABU to be offended by gifts. Some people aren't great at them but it's rude to be annoyed they aren't good enough.

Some grandparents just don’t understand what their grand children may like. It’s not like he isn’t getting him a present at all. You should be gracious and thankful for the gift. If your son doesn’t like it don’t make him use it! Just politely regift it / give it away etc

It sounds like you're one of those who takes exception to anything someone else does. Your sister was wrong for making lists, your dad is wrong for making the effort to buy gifts for his grandson. At least he's trying. Most of my daughter's family don't even acknowledge her existence. I'd love them to at least show interest with some misguided presents.

YABVU he got him a present, be grateful.

It sounds like you’re projecting.
Are you jealous of your sisters DCs?

I’ve lost count of the presents I’ve received that aren’t suitable.
I don’t have a bath which everyone knows but every year I still get bath bombs or bubble bath.
I don’t moan because I’m thankful they’ve bothered spending their time and money on me.

99% of kids love slime.
I work with kids with SEND and slime and playdough are one of their favourite things as they enjoy the sensory side of it. So he may have looked for a gift that most children love.

I didn't say she was wrong for making lists. A suggestion list would be fine. A dictat is not fine, especially when it doesn't take finances into consideration

You’re being quite harsh on your Dad imo. Buying presents for children isn’t always easy, even if you know of things they like it’s hard to think of something that they don’t already have. He might not get it right but what matters is that he’s trying.

It’s never occurred to me to get irritated when family buy presents that aren’t quite right, you just accept them gratefully and move on.

The bit where you said that it’s like he doesn’t know how to relate to your ds, well maybe he doesn’t! That doesn’t make him a bad person or an awful grandparent. Your son wouldn’t be considered to have a communication difficulty if it was easy to communicate with him.

My DF has little knowledge of autism and wouldn’t be great at picking out age appropriate gifts (my mum does all that usually). However if he did go to the trouble of choosing toys for his grandkids I would be grateful for the thought, not angry with him that he hadn’t got it right. Your DF clearly made more of an effort than many grandfathers would.

Also, given a little time your ds might be persuaded to try again with the slime if you let him feel it through gloves, or fabric, or put it in a ziplock plastic bag, or let him tread on it with wellies on or something.

I don't understand how pp are missing the point that op's D is buying a gift for a child who he KNOWS has sensory issues around things touching, being on his hands.

There's nothing thoughtful about deliberately ignoring the fact his gc has these feelings and restrictions and overwhelming emotions around this fact.
It isn't his GC's fault that he has autism nor the fact it affects him in the way it does.

How can people be so obtuse as to say 'oh well he bought him a gift at least, you should be grateful!' Grateful for what? For his obviously wishing his GC would 'get over ' his autism?? For deliberately ignoring the fact that the gift would cause real distress for OP's child. Unreal.

My DF was very kind & generous but gave no thought as to what to buy my DS.
Very often he would buy piles of tat from dodgy market stalls (the ones usually featured on Watchdog😧) or go completely in the opposite £££s direction - came home once to find him assembling a full-size table tennis table in the garage whilst a large white rabbit hopped round the garden…. Neither of these were at the house when I had gone out an hour earlier😱
I don’t think there is any real harm behind your DFs present buying, some grandparents seem to go a bit loopy in the present department!
FWIW, the rabbit was a sweetie who lived quite some years and DS became quite good at Table Tennis and won several cups!!😁.
I have to admit the mouth organ did ‘go missing’…. It was torture to listen to!

I think some people are missing my point somewhat.

This is not about being ungrateful - anyone who knows me knows I am always grateful for gifts, and I've been given some properly crap ones in my time.

Age inappropriate ones are less of an issue really but mentioned for context.

This is about DF deliberately/thoughtlessly buying something he KNEW would send DS into a screaming meltdown.
He's seen how upset DS gets when he gets mud/paint/something else on his hands.

Also for those saying I know my son better than him - yes, but I also know my DF incredibly well. I know he's disappointed that he's not able to do all the things he dreamed of doing with DS because he's not NT (and he can't do them with sisters kids as they live in another country) and positively fawns over the other child in the WhatsApp group we have between the two families. Pics of DS get a heart emoji at best, other boy gets a mini essay on how clever he is.

Your DF Is only buying him toys he may have loved as a child growing in the 1970s. We loved those things, you just need to explain to him that things have changed and toys that were ok before may not suit the needs of your child these days… before he gets him a Swiss knife.

I can assure you this story repeats with every generation, the easiest way to deal with it is to say thanks and put gift in the regifting drawer. They come handy for donations or older children birthday parties and nobody gets offended.

For your DF's next birthday, buy him a book on 'Understanding Autism'. That might do the trick! My DS has one set of GP's who just don't get it, 13 yrs on. Thankfully for the last few years they send me the money to buy a gift.

@JakeyRolling maybe your dad keeps his replies re. your son brief because he's wary of inadvertently setting you off?

Honestly OP you need to stop comparing yourself to your sister.
Your son isn’t NT and her kids are - there’s nothing you can do about it.

Stop projecting onto your DF as he could easily choose to not have much contact with you and your son and he could easily move closer to his other grandchildren if he wanted to.

The reason he probably comments on her photos more is because they live further away and he feels guilty for not seeing them as much as you.
Her DCs could also be older and able to read.

Hmmmm, you know nothing about me yet come to that conclusion how?

I've actually never sad anything about the messages, it was actually DH that noticed it and pointed it out.

Honestly OP you need to stop comparing yourself to your sister.
Your son isn’t NT and her kids are - there’s nothing you can do about it
I don't compare them, DF does.

Personally I'd rather have my some as DNiece is a walking talking middle finger and DNephew is a PITA boundary-pushing pre-teen 😂 (before anyone says, I love them both dearly but Ds is far easier to handle all round)

• The reason he probably comments on her photos more is because they live further away and he feels guilty for not seeing them as much as you. Her DCs could also be older and able to read. *

You've also missed that it's not DSis WhatsApp pics he's commenting on but a completely unrelated child - DS's best friend since birth. We have a WhatsApp group that is his parents and grandparents and Our side of the family as the boys are close.

This was my first thought. He’s just going with the top Amazon suggestion for that age.

You sound ungrateful and like you wouldn’t like whatever present he bought. Maybe he’s from a generation where things like sensory issues didn’t “exist” and also your son hasn’t even been officially diagnosed with autism.

How about instead of moaning about him on a forum you have a conversation with him about the struggles your son faces so he understands more.

You have a father that wants to be in your sons life and with a huge age gap probably doesn’t have a clue what to buy him. If you think any of the presents were bought with malicious intent then you should cut contact.

YABU

It sounds like the issues are all yours to be honest. Many people, young and old, have no idea how to interact with people who are different. There are a vast number of people who are sit at buying presents as evidenced almost daily on here.

You have 3 options.

Say thanks, put the stuff away and ignore.

Or sit your DF down and have a long honest talk with him about how you are feeling, what your DS needs are, about how to go about buying presents in the future, and how the language he uses makes you feel.

Or cut him put of your life.