To be mad at this birthday present for DS?

[JakeyRolling]

DS turned 4 today.

He's on the pathway for an autism diagnosis and has major sensory issues with his feet and, especially, his hands.

DF knows this and yet bought him slime for his birthday. Not only is it marked for 6+ but DS won't touch it - and if he did get any on his hands it would lead to a major meltdown.

It's not the first time DF had bought age/condition-inappropriate gifts - he got him Guess Who last year - for a child who is severely verbally delayed - and a drone at Christmas.

It all just feels a bit like he's buying for the grandchild he wishes he had rather than the one he's got.

DS is very bright and loves mechanical things/things he can build but DF ignores this when choosing gifts.

It does amaze me that people put AIBU questions up and then get defensive when people suggest they maybe are…

If you’re happy you aren’t being unreasonable in what you feel that’s of course fine, but why ask a bunch of strangers if you don’t like their responses?

It does amaze me that people put AIBU questions up and then get defensive when people suggest they maybe are…

Only because pretty much every poster missed the point/failed to read my posts (the ones where I explained DF knows about DS's sensory issues)

As for the poster who said DS had not been diagnosed- he's formally going through the process though it has been massively delayed due to covid.

However DHs cousin is a consultant paediatrician in another country. She's met DS several times and she is confident it is autism. Due to being in another country she cannot be the one to formally make the diagnosis, we have to go (slowly) through the proper channels.

This is about DF deliberately/thoughtlessly buying something he KNEW would send DS into a screaming meltdown.

He didn't know though, or he wouldn't have got it. He wouldn't have gotten something he specifically "knew" would send DS into a screaming meltdown as presumably he's not cruel. He probably just didn't make the connection between slime and the other stuff he's seen trigger a meltdown.

It's really, really tough to buy for kids when you don't have kids the same age. Especially when there's a whole extra generation so you can't even just do what you did for your own kids. And then on top of that it's of course tough to ensure any additional needs are catered to.

Cut him some slack OP. It sounds like he's perhaps heard that sensory toys can be beneficial / heard that kids love slime and just not made the connection that slime might trigger his sensory issues.

To think he is wishing your child was someone else is unkind IMO. I bet he would be really upset if you genuinely thought that.

You said in your OP that DS is bright, so I would think Guess Who would be a good game. You say he is mechanical so I would think a drone would be interesting to someone mechanical minded.
Slime is an extremely popular gift at the moment so it is possible DF went to a toyshop and asked for a present to suit his age. I don't think he's doing it deliberately at all. Sorry but you are sounding slightly ungrateful. They are all really amazing presents.

Unless people have ND children or are themselves they don't understand. My sons best friend is very articulate and interested in war things etc, my FIL spent ages talking to him last time they were together (both boys are 8)
My son is autistic and likes to play minecraft and show people what he is doing and talk about TV shows that he likes (I know it sounds mundane but he is autistic lol) we show an interest because it's what he likes. My in laws tell him they dont like the programmes he watches because they are too loud/ annoying/ American (whatever that means) and he gets upset then. They don't have to tell him that, just bloody pretend like we do! They can't see why he doesn't want to spend hours looking around castles and similar things, and seem to think that if we force him to do them he will be fine.
Sorry I've gone off on a tangent, but some people just refuse to understand it and like you said, buy things for the grandchild they wished they had.

There isn’t one gift here that he might not potentially love at the right time. If they aren’t for now just keep them aside.

For context I have plenty of personal experience of autism.

Personally I'd rather have my some as DNiece is a walking talking middle finger and DNephew is a PITA boundary-pushing pre-teen 😂 (before anyone says, I love them both dearly but Ds is far easier to handle all round)

You are obviously very jealous of your sister and her DCs.

It is annoying- it would annoy me too.

just out of interest- will your ds tolerate the slime if covered in cling film so he doesn’t get it on his hands?

I'm really not. It's a family joke that DNiece is so bolshy 😂

Even DSis says it.

And DNephew is just at that age where he's gotten coke and is prone to showing off. He's a good lad really.

I could try that. Not confident though as he screamed when it was me that was playing with it.

I would just write a few things down with a range of different prices and tell DF he would love anything on the list. Then he can pick something in his prices range.

It sounds like DF doesn't understand DC or his needs. I don't think he is being a dick. He just doesn't get it.

I get your frustration as the gp should know your dpn well, especially as he has specific preferences.

My dd has ASD and I used to get upset when people bought her toys that were inappropriate because she was developmentally delayed, when I thought they understood her issues. People have missed the mark with nt dd2 as well but that wouldn't upset me in the same way. I would say is, it's more upsetting when special needs are involved, maybe it's because it's a reminder what you think they should like. That's how it was for me anyway.

Slime is known to be good for children with sensory issues, it may your DF has researched it hence why he has bought it. Unfortunately your DC cant cope with it but it doesnt mean your DF has done it with bad intent.

@theremustonlybeone I wondered this too. Slime and a speaking and listening game are exactly the kind of things an internet article would recommend for a child with ASD.

No, actually. Doesn't sound like there was much thought at all there.

OP, this post isn’t really about slime, is it?

It’s glaringly obvious that you have issues with your DF that go way back, maybe even before the birth of your DS. I don’t know what they are, but I can tell that the slime isn’t really the big problem here…

Have you sat your DF down and explained the autism pathway and what this means. My DD is autistic but several of the older generation in the family just don’t get it. And even those who do get it find it confusing. I teach in an sen school and lots of of children love slime and messes play, they go home covered in gloop and alsorts!! Some would also love a drone. I’d think the drone thing was probably too old though even for a NT 4 year old but again, the older generations struggle to keep up with what kids like, or see their friends buying their grandkids a certain toy and think they will buy it too.

we have had loads of inappropriate gifts over the years. I’ve had to teach my autistic daughter since before we knew she was autistic just to smile and say thank you, and then it gets re gifted. Usually from less close relatives though. My DM would now always check before buying what we/DD would want for birthday/ Christmas these days. Sometimes she has gone against that but less so.

Maybe some of these people who "don't understand" are neurodivergent themselves and just have a different opinion?

It sounds like he is trying to be the "cool" grandpa, he may not understand what can create a meltdown, you can explain to him

Some pil are terrible at present buying. My mil just bought my daughter a dress for her second birthday, lovely dress except it was age 6-9 months.

I find that most gifts to my kids are not really what they want, as people think that they need to buy "proper presents". What actually gets played with are the box the arm chair came in, grass clippings when we mow the lawn, the stream when we go to the woods, the flour when we do baking etc. I wouldn't expect anyone to know what a child would actually want unless specifically told, even then they are often onto the next thing seconds later. It does sound like there is a lot more to this than slime. I hope you get a diagnosis without having to wait too long and that your father understands and accepts.

@DaisyStPatience maybe, but not in this situation by the looks of it. It's not with mine either, it's a generational thing I think, with a lack of understanding of autism and an unwillingness to understand how the child might be different.

Could your dad be on the autism spectrum himself? Autism is linked to genetics a lot of the time. My son has similar sensory issues and people find it difficult to understand no matter how much you try to explain. My dad is a similar age to yours and he does his best but just doesn't get autism and thinks my boy will be fine and will grow out of it. Just the dialogue open because it's probably hard for your dad too. I think my dad feels awkward that he can't communicate with my son and he wouldn't have a clue how to pick an appropriate present for my son. I'd never be cross with him though because I know he just doesn't understand fully how badly seemingly normal things can effect my son.

I don't think you are being unreasonable for being upset about it, day to day life with a ND child is hard and I swear everything feels 10 times worse than it really is and I get that. But, you do need to have a really frank conversation about it all with your dad, you might find out more about how he feels and thinks about it and find things that work and develop on them.

When you have an ND child, you might find you have to explain things over and over again, to everyone.
Family, friends, teachers, professionals...it's draining and it is annoying.
Partly because of a lack of understanding around ND people, but sometimes people just miss understand or even forget especially pre-diagnosis and generation difference.

I have had to do many things I don't like doing because they need to be done to make life that little bit easier for him and for the family, so I do agree with the list idea and as someone said previously and Amazon List. I give my parents a list, they use that to get things appropriate for him and it works.

I don't know your dad, or you (obviously), but it takes time for people to understand and sometimes they never get it fully, even those you expect to understand as they are close to the child but I can't see your dad purposely buying slime to cause upset. It might have been a careless decision but also an element of denial (not necessarily 'buying for the GS he wishes he had') which is common and a diagnosis might help with that.

My son's dad (we are separated) was in denial massively when we started the diagnosis process and he still doesn't really get it but we have to watch our sons diet, and limit chocolate and sweets as these tend to heighten everything possible - Birthday and Christmas he comes home from his dad's with a TON of confectionary, it annoys me, it infuriates me in fact because I am the one who has to deal with the sugar overload on his return and the one who deals with meltdowns when I limit his intake, but I just remind that side of the family when I can, and they are slowly getting better and I definitely saw a difference when we got a diagnosis.

I hope the assessment process goes well for you and you are not waiting much longer.

*Everything ELSE feels 10 times worse than it really is.

My wording was slightly off on that opening sentence.