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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be mad at this birthday present for DS?

160 replies

JakeyRolling · 01/05/2022 16:11

DS turned 4 today.

He's on the pathway for an autism diagnosis and has major sensory issues with his feet and, especially, his hands.

DF knows this and yet bought him slime for his birthday. Not only is it marked for 6+ but DS won't touch it - and if he did get any on his hands it would lead to a major meltdown.

It's not the first time DF had bought age/condition-inappropriate gifts - he got him Guess Who last year - for a child who is severely verbally delayed - and a drone at Christmas.

It all just feels a bit like he's buying for the grandchild he wishes he had rather than the one he's got.

DS is very bright and loves mechanical things/things he can build but DF ignores this when choosing gifts.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2022 17:50

AtticAttack3000 · 01/05/2022 17:34

I think you're being massively over sensitive and projecting. They don't know your kid like you know your kid. Grandparents the world over are frquently shit at buying presents for grandchildren because they are 50 years out of date. (Not all grandparents obviously, but my kids get spectacularly bad presents from their's, which are rarely age or interest appropriate.) I think you need to get over yourself and realise that just because your kid has additional needs the world doesn't revolve around them, anymore than it would it they were neurotypical. I'm sorry if that is really harsh, but you sound just like my friend, who thinks the world is out to get her when mostly people aren't thinking that much about her and are just being a bit thoughtless, because that's what people do sometimes.

So "it's not your Dad's fault, he's just old and not thinking about your son when he picks a present for your son".

Surely present buying is the one time we can expect someone to think about someone specifically?? Well of course you should be grateful he brought your newborn a flame swallowing lesson, it's the thought that counts!!

SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2022 17:51

Op make up an amazon list. Doesn't have to just be from amazon, but it'll give people who think spending money without thinking too hard is all that matters an idea of what he wants.

lollipoprainbow · 01/05/2022 17:55

My autistic daughter adores slime.

saraclara · 01/05/2022 18:04

I'm a 65 year old grandmother and I agonise about gifts because of posts like this.

You know your child inside and out. Even the most involved GP cannot know like you do, what their GC is going to like or dislike from one minute to the next. We try to do something thoughtful, only to find that DGC doesn't like Hey Duggee any more and only wants Peppa Pig.Or the thing we've bought it too hard/too easy because we don't spend all day every day with the child to know that. And that happens with and NT child, never mind a child who is autistic.

Stop putting the worst possible spin on this. It's hard for parents to get their heads round having an autistic child. It's also hard for GPs, and they are bound to get it wrong sometimes. They're not getting the same input from professionals as you, they don't spend the same mount of time with them. They're going to get it wrong sometimes. It doesn't mean that your DF is not accepting your child. It means he's floundering a bit.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2022 18:06

lollipoprainbow · 01/05/2022 17:55

My autistic daughter adores slime.

But OPs Dad knows OPs son doesn't. That's the point. He knows he doesn't like it, and buys it anyway.

saraclara · 01/05/2022 18:09

Anyway, if you have relatives who buy gifts for your kids and it's coming up to a borthday, do them and your kids a favour, and mention when you see something (or your kid sees something) that would make a good present. Yes, I know someone's going to immediately complain that it means you have to give all your good ideas away to someone else, but you can't have it both ways. We're not mind readers, we don't live with you, and we don't know exactly what works for your DC and what they already have.

Gizacluethen · 01/05/2022 18:09

It's really hard to know what to buy any kid, never mind ones with specific difficulties. I'm autistic and have sensory issues but I bloody love slime, so it's not an autism thing. It sounds like he's googling "best gifts for 4 year old boys." And buying something cool off that.

I have an amazon wishlist for DS that I send people so they can see the kind of thing to buy him. Try that.

But I don't think there's any malice in it. Of course he wants his grandson to talk, who wouldn't?

Sorehandsandfeet · 01/05/2022 18:09

I actually think that your DF had put more research into this gift than you are giving him credit for. Messy sensory play is often recommended for children on the autistic spectrum, in fact, there is evidence to suggest that messy play can stimulate the part of the brain that deals with language development. I had a slime party for my autistic daughters 4th birthday party as many of the children there were autistic. Yes, some children didn't want to touch it, which was fine, but I do think exposure to this type of play can be beneficial.
At my daughters special school they actively use sensory experience as part of the curriculum. Yes, they don't force children into uncomfortable experiences but they are exposed.

Moser85 · 01/05/2022 18:12

It all just feels a bit like he's buying for the grandchild he wishes he had rather than the one he's got.

Are you sure you're not just being sensitive and he's just a bad gift buyer?

Ds also has form for fussing over DS' "best friend" who is NT, while not really knowing how to engage with DS, while making comments like "we need to get you talking".

Is he saying it in a bad way like he's frustrated or are you just taking it that way?
It's hard to tell without hearing the tone but the same sentence would be used in a "I have faith in you" kind of way.

lollipoprainbow · 01/05/2022 18:13

@SleepingStandingUp where does it say the OP dad knows the OP son doesn't like slime ???

hiredandsqueak · 01/05/2022 18:16

My autistic son is 27 now. My dfil bought him a matchbox car every week without fail for years. We have crates of them. Ds had specific requirements that changed at will depending on what colour or model or tiny detail was in favour that week. Each week he'd hand over the Matchbox car, some weeks ds would be ecstatic jumping and flapping but other weeks he'd scream and throw the car at dfil. He'd still buy a new car every week. It was because of that and many other reasons that I loved dfil like my own father and it's because of the love he showed that both my grandsons have his name. Encourage that bond OP, don't worry about wrong presents just help your df to have a relationship with your child.

MarianosOnHisWay · 01/05/2022 18:20

JakeyRolling · 01/05/2022 17:41

just because your kid has additional needs the world doesn't revolve around them

Fairly certain it's completely normal for a family's world to revolve around a child ON THEIR BIRTHDAY.

My sister always made lists for her two (before they were old enough to ask) which I hated and thought of as diktats but I'm starting to think she had the right idea

Why would you hate getting a list of ideas from your sister for her kids? Especially before they could ask. When she knows them best. It’s definitely the best way. Very normal in my family for me and my siblings to message each other “DNephew/DNiece birthday coming up… what do they want?” People aren’t mind-readers.

Unsure33 · 01/05/2022 18:21

I think you are reading too much into the slime . He might have thought it would be helpful. The drone though ? Bit weird

Floofyfoofy · 01/05/2022 18:22

Sounds like your DF is trying. No one knows your child like you do. Even if they try, it’s impossible to get it right all the time.

My DC get all sorts of shit, non age appropriate (including clothes that are are way to big or way to small) presents from all sorts of friends and relatives. I’ve never taken it as a dig at DC or me. You are being waaaaay too sensitive.

Original poster
JakeyRolling · 01/05/2022 18:22

@MarianosOnHisWay because it wasn't a list of ideas, it was Aunt JR will buy this, DF will buy this etc...

OP posts:
FabFitFifties · 01/05/2022 18:24

I think you are too harsh on your DF, OP. I don't think playing with slime is the same as getting things on your hands, or getting dirty hands. It doesn't stick. Have you let him have a go, without making a big deal of it?ie just leaving it around, no pressure?

MarianosOnHisWay · 01/05/2022 18:25

JakeyRolling · 01/05/2022 18:22

@MarianosOnHisWay because it wasn't a list of ideas, it was Aunt JR will buy this, DF will buy this etc...

So? It means the kids get what they want with no complaints (from the kids or the parents)? Were the prices not what you wanted to pay?

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/05/2022 18:26

lollipoprainbow · 01/05/2022 17:55

My autistic daughter adores slime.

As does my friends child

Fizzyfish · 01/05/2022 18:27

YABU

Original poster
JakeyRolling · 01/05/2022 18:28

They were diktats with no leeway to get something similar, it had to be that exact one, and with no consideration for finances.

This was before the kids were old enough to care or ask (ie when she asked for specific newborn stuff while I was a poor student and my expected gift was about £100)

It's stopped now that the kids can say what they want for themselves and the pit of them tend to be more general (ie "Football stuff" or "paw patrol stuff" so you can easily find stuff to fit a budget.

OP posts:
Original poster
JakeyRolling · 01/05/2022 18:29

Anyhoo decided to open the slime and test DS. Placed it on my hand, nowhere near his, and he screamed bloody murder at the sight.

Back in the box it goes.

OP posts:
Ali2710 · 01/05/2022 18:33

Have you actually said anything about these gifts? I think the tone of your post is really ungrateful. Perhaps your DF doesn't fully understand your child's needs? Have you explained what he does and doesn't like to your DF?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2022 18:35

lollipoprainbow · 01/05/2022 18:13

@SleepingStandingUp where does it say the OP dad knows the OP son doesn't like slime ???

has major sensory issues with his feet and, especially, his hands. ... DF knows this and yet bought him slime for his birthday..... - and if he did get any on his hands it would lead to a major meltdown.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2022 18:36

SleepingStandingUp · 01/05/2022 18:35

has major sensory issues with his feet and, especially, his hands. ... DF knows this and yet bought him slime for his birthday..... - and if he did get any on his hands it would lead to a major meltdown.

Show quote history

He knows about DS hating anything on his hands, but as a PP said I think he thinks DS should just "get over it".

hiredandsqueak · 01/05/2022 18:36

Well in time you will be able to teach your child to leave unwanted gifts on the table for you to put away/return. Even now, every Christmas I wait to see whether anything gets left on the table by ds and dd. Less likely to happen now as I buy what's on the list and have failsafe options for stockings.