Mum slapped me

[Ohdearrr]

i don’t even know why I’m writing this but I just need to get it out and rant. I have my own home but I’ve been at my parents for a bit whilst they have been away watering their plants, putting their bins out etc. I left a bag of my DDs toy in their porch that they have at their house as I want to sort them out for charity, as some of them she has outgrown.

They came back today. My mum was annoyed that I’d left the bag of toys in the porch. She said ‘you could have sorted them instead of being sat on your arse’ I got really annoyed at this and said I’ve been fucking helping out putting your bins out etc. She then slapped me straight in the face saying don’t you swear at me in my face. I’m so cross. I’m 26 year old. Don’t even know what to think about this.

That must have been a real shock. Just a thought but if this was behaviour that is completely out of the blue- and not an excuse but an explanation is she suffering with menopause/ mental health...or dementia?
..or just a cow.

It shouldn't matter if she was already in a bad mood before your contretemps, she should have been able to control her temper and prevent herself from lashing out in a physically violent way.

Here's my similar experience: In 2018 I holidayed with my family to celebrate a fairly significant birthday. A dispute rose over money (it was the most ridiculous thing - prior to the holiday I put £250 onto the family debit card (AirBnb so needed cash for food shopping) as did all the rest of the "families", including my mother - but because I was a single mum and it was my birthday week, she "put in" for me. so was staggered to learn when we were on holiday, that I had been able to save up and match everyone else's £250, and soon became furious because she had put in that money too... effectively raising the food budget (which we all thought was a good thing....). Honestly it was the most ridiculous argument (it was pretty one sided - it didn't make logical sense to me why she was so irate, so I just kept quiet), and as we cleared up after dinner she cornered me alone in the utility room and raised her hand to me, to my face, got right into my personal space and said something along the lines of "you are such a little bitch." @Ohdearrr - my significant birthday was my 40th.

From that day on I never left my DC alone with her. I sought advice on this board and subsequently went LC and at times, NC with her for the following two years. Since reopening my carapace, my boundaries have at times become less strong (the pandemic helped....) however I simply have to remind myself of that evening and the events which followed at times (she is relentless in her effort to get the previous, toxic relationship dynamic back where she has the upper hand), but I remain firm and glad that I finally learned how to say "no" to her.

I believe for you it's time for some tough love so your mother realises PDQ that what she did is not ok. No argument between civilised people should result in a physical assault, and I would be wary of allowing your DC to be left in her care. Set some firm boundaries and see how that goes. I am sorry this happened to you too.

Oh for gods sake.

Millions of teenagers and young adults around the world are or disrespectful to their peri/menopausal mothers occasionally and aren't getting whacked in the face for it. It's absolutely not an explanation.

Likewise, millions of elderly people suffering dementia aren't biffing their family members when challenged.

You have to be inclined towards control and violence for it to even cross your mind, especially in response to such a harmless throwaway comment.

She took out her bad mood on you.

I would blank the bitch for a fee months, when she calls you tell her ‘Don’t you EVER lay a hand on me again, I am not your punching bag, and you will never see me again if you don’t apologise.’

How old is Dd?
Does you mum habitually do child minding? Is your child old enough to tell you if she gets hit also ?
I would tell your father what happened, that you will not be going there or helping out again. Unless you get a sincere apology. My mother never apologised once to me
& possibly your mother needs to be seen for dementia.

"Dear Mum
That was a really upsetting incident on Saturday. Totally out of character for you, and completely out of the blue. I don't want to be on the receiving end for that again. What's up? Has something really bad occurred that you're not telling me about?
love Ohdearr"

too conciliatory in the face of violence and no remorse.

Ask yourself what result you want? Stoke the fire and it burns fiercer.

Statement of feelings. Observation. Statement of what is needed. Request for an explanation and further information.

I think that permanent radio silence would be more effective than asking the attacker to tell her why she deserved a slap and how she can modify her behaviour and grovel round the woman so she doesn't get slapped again when there are no witnesses (convenient, that, wasn't it?).

You could insert 'Don't do it again' after 'I don't want to be on the receiving end of that' if you don't think that's assertive enough. I think the Mum is probably horrendously embarrassed and doesn't for the life of her know what came over her.

I think SpaceshiptoMars's message is good because going in with a firm statement but not extreme makes some sort of resolution easier than by going in with a nuclear statement at the start.

Start off reasonable, then escalate if need be.

Hitting the OP like this - across the face too!- is absolutely unacceptable. But it's the first time it's happened she said, and she's very sad about it.

Is your mum normally a loving person?

OP i'd say give yourself some time, send Spaceship's text when you're ready. Maybe talk to your dad. Since this seems so out of character for your mother then it's a good idea to a bit of time to try to work out what's going on before deciding what to do.

I would keep your daughter away though for now. Your mother is clearly ... volatile ... at the moment and that could be distressing for your daughter. Better to wait until you can be sure what's going on and that this violence is never repeated. Or in fact the rudeness on her behalf that triggered all this. Blaming you after doing her a favour is just not on.

I certainly wouldn't report to the police - that would be a massive overreaction.

If it were me, I'd certainly be minimising contact for the next few weeks, and your parents can definitely find someone else to mind the house next time they go away!

What has your dad said about this?

From the NHS website earliest signs of dementia:

*memory loss

difficulty concentrating

finding it hard to carry out familiar daily tasks, such as getting confused over the correct change when shopping

struggling to follow a conversation or find the right word

being confused about time and place

mood changes*

mood changes is a bit of a broad definition but I don’t think suddenly deciding to wallop your daughter. It more likely describes depression, and would be accompanied by the other symptoms above. Most people say the earliest sign is the person repeating the same stories over again and not realising. If she is exhibiting any of these other signs then yes it’s worth considering. But to just read she is 55 and immediately jump to the conclusion that it is getting dementia is ageism. And on person experience it takes years to get them to the Dr because of denial, get everything ruled out, get the scans and diagnosis, 3 years in my mums case, 7 in my dads. Marching your mum to the GP to get an instant diagnosis of dementia for one slap is unrealistic. Can everyone please just stop jumping to diagnose dementia because it is insulting to sufferers and those of us who care for them?

INHO I think the OPS mums pride was dented by you sorting out the toys that the grand daughter has outgrown because she didn’t pick up on it. Petty but possibly.

I really can’t believe it. My dad has taken my mums side on this. I’ve spoke to him about it and he said ‘you shouldn’t of sworn at your mother’ I’ve no idea what my mum has told him. He wasn’t there so she may of tried to make it out to him that it was justified.

My mum doesn’t want to apologise either so it seems!

OP to my mind you didn't swear at her. You used a swear word in a sentence while speaking to her. And in fact she had done so first with the use of the word "arse". Admittedly "fucking" is a stronger word but suggesting it justifies her assaulting you is insane. That is incredibly disappointing from your father.

What are you going to do now OP?

I’m feeling really down today about this. I shouldn’t have sworn but it was just a heat of the moment thing. I was also annoyed that was one of the first things she said to me and also I wasn’t thanked for the house sitting. I feel really under appreciated now too. Its being made out that I’m over reacting about the slap. My dad has now called me ‘pathetic’ too. I think it’s so unfair. my dad didn’t see it. It hurt. I don’t know where to go from here

How awful for you OP that your mum and dad think she was in the right to assault you. That is completely unacceptable and I’d make sure you tell them that. I wouldn’t help them out anymore, and go low contact or no contact. I know you don’t want to report the assault to the police, but I’d think about warning your mum by saying that she gets no second chances, if she ever hits you again you are going straight to the police. She and he can think it’s right all they want, but the facts are it was a crime and there was no justification for it.

What Scaniel said, your mum started the swearing with the word “arse”.

Does your dad know that she hit you? Is he ok with violence too?

keep your daughter away from the pair of them if so, and warn other family members how low the bar for “justified” violence is set within their unhealthy relationship.

@SinisterBumFacedCat yes he knows she hit me. His response is that I shouldn’t have sworn. It’s all been turned on me!

How was your childhood OP?

How was she as a mother? Warm,calm,loving, present etc.?

How did your parents react when they perceived you to be in the "wrong"?

Its being made out that I’m over reacting about the slap. My dad has now called me ‘pathetic’ too.
This is typical gas lighting, the mantra goes for any domestic violence it goes through-

• you deserved it, you made me do it, not my fault to


• it wasn’t that bad, it’s not really abuse or assault so


• youre being pathetic to even feel hurt, there’s nothing to apologise for


• next up will be they want you to apologise for “over reacting” and causing them “distress”

its making you doubt the reality of what happened so they can not only get away with it but get you to apologise for making mountains out of molehills when it is not a molehill. It was a significant event to be assaulted by your own mother.

Your dad is an enabler. If my DH raised a hand to my DS or adult DSS I would be fucking livid with him, and him with me if it was the other way around. Your mum has him well under her thumb.

Leave them to their toxic relationship. Utter scumbags to treat their own child like that, they don’t deserve you. If you have siblings or other family members warn them. Violence is inexcusable, always.

People on here insinuating that swearing is as bad slapping: fuck right off with that nonsense.