Some affairs work out for the better ?

[Everyoneishappier]

NC as super contentious.

Met
My DH when he was unhappily married . (Both would agree on this point)

I was separated but still livng in same house as ex DH.

Move on 15 years and all kids are grown. DH paid CMS and a few extras (with my encouragement) .. Ex wife married the man she was having an affair with...

Both couples are happy.. kids are happy and well blended.

Sometimes you simply marry the wrong person...

(Caveat ) neither couple had kids .. ?

You talk about kids and then say there were no kids so I’m a bit confused.

I also wouldn’t have a high opinion of a man who paid CMS “with encouragement”. He should do it freely.

I'm confused as it is, without this bit...

kids are happy and well blended.
and
(Caveat ) neither couple had kids .. ?

Your post makes no sense in terms of your own circumstance BUT I do agree that in some cases things work out ok. They seem pretty rare though.

Agree that sometimes affairs happen because couples are unsuited but don’t have strength to leave. Sometimes, not always ofc.

I agree that it's possible to marry the wrong person and in some cases an affair can bring about a much needed change in a relationship but it's not a good way to go. Affairs cause a lot of pain.

I'm sure it can work out sometimes but usually, they cause immense pain to at least one person, and usually more.

Are you still contemplating a decision after 15 years even though all is well? Or why is this on your mind, if all is well?

I know a couple who just married. Their romance started as an affair on both sides. They joke about it, which I find distasteful. Happy that they're happy, but people got hurt and that doesn't matter to them.

Affairs always hurt someone. Doesn't matter that your dh was in an unhappy marriage, you still had an affair with a married man. There's a special place in hell for cheaters

There isa special. Place in hell for cheaters. To be on the receiving end of an affair I can only describe it as being in the worst pain ever.
It's a selfish action

My parents were both married when they started an affair and got together. They had a messy start but we’re very much happy and in love for 25 years until my Dad died of a very aggressive cancer. They were the most well-suited, happy couple I’ve ever met and made each other so happy. There were no long term effects for either of them from the affair - both kept their friends and very senior jobs (it was a work affair) , both families were supportive after the initial fall out and they had me (biased but the best gift of all!)

There were no children in either first marriage though which I think makes a massive difference.

Not condoning the affair and both regretted how they got together but my point is it worked out very well for them. I always think it’s extremely naive when people on here post that affairs/cheaters never prosper - often they do, rightly or wrongly.

As a couple we don't have kids..
between us we have eight. 5 from him and 3 from me

As someone who was the product of an affair which turned into a 50 year happy marriage I have always been sceptical of the claim bandied about on here that affairs never turn out with the affair couple happily settled. It’s just not true. I understand the anger directed at people having affairs but I think sometimes this takes on a slightly evangelical tone. Sometimes people are in the wrong marriage.

That said, affairs do cause a huge amount of pain. In my case although my father was undoubtedly doing the right thing leaving his first wife for my mum, it caused decade’s worth of upset and resentment to the children from his first marriage who basically never forgave him.

Part of the reason why affairs are so difficult and painful is the absurd insistence that two people who fancied each other in their early 20s should remain yoked together for another 70 without cheating. It’s asking for trouble.

The key is much later marriage IMHO. People get married before they even know themselves.

Kids don’t always tell you what’s happening in their heads or how it impacts them and genuinely some kids maintain harmony because they don’t want further drama

in all honesty my answer is no… but only because of the aftermath of the affairs I have seen and just because an older male family member in my family left his wife of 25 years and then married his mistress and the kids for example didn’t kick off about it doesn’t mean it was harmonious and caused a lot of pain resentment and jealousy with the time he spent with his new wife’s kids. But just because the kids put on a good show doesn’t mean it was all good in reality

Genuinely I don’t think I could trust a partner who was still in any form of relationship as a crossover. What’s that saying - when a man marries a mistress, it creates a vacancy ?!
so no, I don’t agree. Affairs are just dishonourable in my book. End it first and have some clear blue water between as a point of basic respect!

Probably be even better if people had the backbone and maturity to say 'this isn't working out' before causing the pain that betrayl and affairs do cause.

This.

This!!!!!

You see I think it's more nuanced..

DH first wife gave up her job.. had kids , but then began an affair with her now DH..

Didn't want to divorce because my DH was bringing home the money.. (which meant she didn't have to work) ...

DH knew things were wrong but at the time his chances of 50/50
were small..so kept going ..

Then met me and decided he was entitled to a loving relationship.

Was that wrong ?

Because of the MN trope that affairs never work out ...

Yes.

Why not split up first? A complete lack of self control leads to affairs IMO. Slow down, follow the steps of divorce/break up and then get together - why the rush?

Just because it turned out okay for you doesn't mean it's okay in the very large majority of cases.

I hope you never have to be on the other side of it.

Of course it was wrong he was married. You leave the unhappy marriage BEFORE you move on. You seem well suited though. He's happy to cheat if there's any problems in the relationship and you're happy to sleep with other people's husbands 👍

YANBU. I know people who left their first husbands and are absolutely head over heels 10 years later for the person they left him for.

@Everyoneishappier not wrong to want more. Wrong to have an affair (and sorry to say, you were too).

Probably be even better if people had the backbone and maturity to say 'this isn't working out' before causing the pain that betrayl and affairs do cause.

I agree with you.

But an awful lot of people are terrified of being alone.

I don't tell my Dad the impact that his TWO affairs (Once when with Mum, then when with my step mum after years and years and we all managed to get settled again). It messed me and my sister up when we were little, then us again and OUR kids (the grandkids) when he went ahead and did it again.

Good for them if them and the affair partners are happy now but fuck the kids, grandkids and everyone else I guess?

Also, my step mum seems fine, settled and moved on happily and everyone says as much but really, shes not. So you can't say for sure the ex here is because why would she tell all and sundry for years and years, even if it still does impact her down the line? If she spoke about it now, years later, you would be calling her bitter so doubt very much she would tell anyone let alone you.