Page 2 | Some affairs work out for the better ?

Everyoneishappier · 2022-04-30T16:56:32+00:00

NC as super contentious. Met My DH when he was unhappily married . (Both would agree on this point) I was separated but still livng in same house as ex DH. Move on 15 years and all kids are grown. DH paid CMS and a few extras (with my encouragement) .. Ex wife married the man she was having an affair with... Both couples are happy.. kids are happy and well blended. Sometimes you simply marry the wrong person... (Caveat ) neither couple had kids .. ?

newbiename · 30/04/2022 18:58

Iflyaway · 30/04/2022 18:55

Probably be even better if people had the backbone and maturity to say 'this isn't working out' before causing the pain that betrayl and affairs do cause.

I agree with you.

But an awful lot of people are terrified of being alone.

Or having to get a job

MarshaBradyo · 30/04/2022 18:59

I think it can work out with adults

But with dc it’s harder

MarshaBradyo · 30/04/2022 19:00

Everyoneishappier · 30/04/2022 18:43

You see I think it's more nuanced..

DH first wife gave up her job.. had kids , but then began an affair with her now DH..

Didn't want to divorce because my DH was bringing home the money.. (which meant she didn't have to work) ...

DH knew things were wrong but at the time his chances of 50/50
were small..so kept going ..

Then met me and decided he was entitled to a loving relationship.

Was that wrong ?

If you had both ended things before going ahead you’d be not so in the wrong

FriedTomatoe · 30/04/2022 19:05

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/04/2022 18:36

As someone who was the product of an affair which turned into a 50 year happy marriage I have always been sceptical of the claim bandied about on here that affairs never turn out with the affair couple happily settled. It’s just not true. I understand the anger directed at people having affairs but I think sometimes this takes on a slightly evangelical tone. Sometimes people are in the wrong marriage.

That said, affairs do cause a huge amount of pain. In my case although my father was undoubtedly doing the right thing leaving his first wife for my mum, it caused decade’s worth of upset and resentment to the children from his first marriage who basically never forgave him.

Part of the reason why affairs are so difficult and painful is the absurd insistence that two people who fancied each other in their early 20s should remain yoked together for another 70 without cheating. It’s asking for trouble.

The key is much later marriage IMHO. People get married before they even know themselves.

I think you hit the nail on the head. In my 20s I definitely didn't know who I was. I married a man who I liked because in my mind he was good for me (which he was for a long time). When I got to my 40s it wasn't right for me. We were so different and wanted different things out of life. With my new partner we're both in the same place. In saying this, I didn't need to have an affair to know this- I just needed to grow into myself.

Original poster

Everyoneishappier · 30/04/2022 19:24

That's basically what I am trying to convey ...

What you want in your 20/30's mat not what you want in your 40/50s !

In my earlier years I wanted kids .. wanted a decent man who would be kind, and loving and would help me raise them.. as I got older and the children grew I needed something for ME..

OP posts:

Original poster

Everyoneishappier · 30/04/2022 19:26

I need to just say that I wasn't looking For a meal ticket! I have worked from the very moment I was pregnant with my first child.

OP posts:

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 30/04/2022 19:44

Everyoneishappier · 30/04/2022 19:24

That's basically what I am trying to convey ...

What you want in your 20/30's mat not what you want in your 40/50s !

In my earlier years I wanted kids .. wanted a decent man who would be kind, and loving and would help me raise them.. as I got older and the children grew I needed something for ME..

So surely your argument should be for marriage later in life, not being in favour of affairs.

Affairs include lying, cheating, betrayal, cruelty, thoughtlessness, lack of empathy, selfishness etc. These are not traits I would want in a partner.

I'm not saying they don't work out, but it's hardly a good example to set your kids that your happiness causes other people so much pain, loss and financial struggles.

cantbelieveheletmedown · 30/04/2022 19:49

Affairs include lying, cheating, betrayal, cruelty, thoughtlessness, lack of empathy, selfishness etc. These are not traits I would want in a partner.

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 this!!!

MarshaBradyo · 30/04/2022 19:50

cantbelieveheletmedown · 30/04/2022 19:49

Affairs include lying, cheating, betrayal, cruelty, thoughtlessness, lack of empathy, selfishness etc. These are not traits I would want in a partner.

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 this!!!

I agree with this too

people can get together later on and it work out but affairs are not the way to do it.

SomersetONeil · 30/04/2022 19:56

Everyoneishappier · 30/04/2022 19:24

That's basically what I am trying to convey ...

What you want in your 20/30's mat not what you want in your 40/50s !

In my earlier years I wanted kids .. wanted a decent man who would be kind, and loving and would help me raise them.. as I got older and the children grew I needed something for ME..

Great.

But how hard is it to end one relationship before embarking on the next?

Nobody’s saying you must be in a relationship that’s not fulfilling or making you happy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

AliceW89 · 30/04/2022 20:10

So both your DH and his now ex wife were having affairs at the same time, split amicably and went on to marry the two other people?

I mean, sure. It probably did work out for them/you (I wonder about the DC on both sides though…) But I think this situation is very rare. Generally, at least one person gets really, really hurt when partners cheat. So no, I’m sorry I don't agree with you. Some relationships are for the better, but affairs are pretty much always the wrong way of going about it.

Original poster

Everyoneishappier · 30/04/2022 20:13

I did exactly that ...

But because DH was the sole breadwinner it was harder for him.. despite paying for a cleaner/mothers help-/ cu pair.: for a non working pit the house mother .

OP posts:

SomersetONeil · 30/04/2022 20:24

Everyoneishappier · 30/04/2022 20:13

I did exactly that ...

But because DH was the sole breadwinner it was harder for him.. despite paying for a cleaner/mothers help-/ cu pair.: for a non working pit the house mother .

LetHimHaveIt · 30/04/2022 20:25

'That said, affairs do cause a huge amount of pain. In my case although my father was undoubtedly doing the right thing leaving his first wife for my mum, it caused decade’s worth of upset and resentment to the children from his first marriage who basically never forgave him.'

Possibly because they didn't think he was 'undoubtedly' doing the right thing in leaving the relationship which had produced them, and embarking on one which produced you. Maybe they feel like you think you're the much-fêted golden child and they're second-tier. Who knows?

SomersetONeil · 30/04/2022 20:27

That said, affairs do cause a huge amount of pain. In my case although my father was undoubtedly doing the right thing leaving his first wife for my mum, it caused decade’s worth of upset and resentment to the children from his first marriage who basically never forgave him.

You completely undermine your use of the word ‘undoubtedly’ with everything you say afterwards.

CreatingAUsernameThen · 30/04/2022 20:30

My father had an affair, 21 years later after being 'happily married' he had another affair and left. Thr only surprising thing is their relationship lasted as long as it did. It was usual story with my dad and OW, they were both unhappy, yes it was wrong bug fate etc 🙄

A relationship built on lies and pain to others are not solid foundations for a house.

As an adult I decided to go NC with my dad and OW. I think they're both dicks who lack integrity. Just not the sort of people I'm interested in knowing. I wouldn't be quite so sure the 8 children are happy.

WorkEvent · 30/04/2022 20:35

DH and I had a far less than ideal start to our relationship. Not married but both seeing other people. Lots of very immature, shitty behaviour from both of us. It took 5 years and him getting engaged to someone else before we finally got our shit together. Am I embarrassed by how we behaved? Absolutely. Has it worked out suprisingly well? Absolutely.

myceliumama · 30/04/2022 20:41

My DH and I met while he was still married. He has been with her for 11 years. We became very close friends very quickly after meeting at university as mature students. She wasn't comfortable with it so we stopped being friends. A month later they separated and we had a fling. It was amazing. They decided to get back together and a few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant . They had been trying for years without success. I decided to keep the baby and we got together officially towards the end of my pregnancy. 4 kids later and twenty years down the line and we are still blissfully happy. She has also remarried and has kids too so it all worked out for the best.

I love my husband to bits. He really is my soulmate.

Sofielou · 30/04/2022 20:46

cantbelieveheletmedown · 30/04/2022 19:49

Affairs include lying, cheating, betrayal, cruelty, thoughtlessness, lack of empathy, selfishness etc. These are not traits I would want in a partner.

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 this!!!

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Onthedunes · 30/04/2022 20:53

Yeah,

And I presume all the children are as equally happy about everthing as you are.

There is a flippancy in your post, a flippancy that suggests you have never been hurt by the actions of an affair.

You talk of the end outcome, yes you got what you wanted but did everybody else in this scenario get the same ? Were the children's lives as secure, safe, reasoned and ordered as they could have been, were there sacrifices made on behalf of the children and ex's ?

Until you have been betrayed I don't think you could ever imagine the hurt someone goes through and it's not just the big stuff like them having sex with someone else, it's the lies, it's just dreadful.

It almost becomes like a game, where the purpitrator gets off on the deceit, how many times can I fit the other person in, text and call in the shower, toilet, dog walk, local shop visit, taking the kids out to the park and fitting in a facetime.
Day in day out, lie upon lie and all the time the betrayed is out of the loop, looking like a mug, two people laughing at the victim and at the marriage.

And the best thing is, is that you still have no idea of what you have done, pat yourself on the back for your lack of empathy, you did it, you hurt another human being, day in day out for God knows how long.

How much less cruel would it be for people not to do this to another human and tell the truth well before the game of making a wife/husband feel and look like a complete and utter fool.

So in answer to your question, yes it worked out for you but God I would never admit I'd crucified someone by being complicit in inflicting such pain on another person and if you think I'm being overly dramatic then you just have no idea.

There are so many on here who know full well the reality of that pain.

Honeyroar · 30/04/2022 20:55

Onlyforcake · 30/04/2022 18:38

Probably be even better if people had the backbone and maturity to say 'this isn't working out' before causing the pain that betrayl and affairs do cause.

100% this.

My ex cheated on me on the run up to our wedding. It had to be cancelled and was extremely humiliating and upsetting for me. The girl he had the affair with he went onto marry and have kids with. I don’t know for sure, but I think they’re still together 20 years later. I think they were much more suited together than I was with him (for a start I have higher morals and they had none!). I’ve been happily married for 14 years myself and my husband is worth ten of him. I rarely think of him (things like this thread cause it!) and am totally long over it, but I’ll ALWAYS have a completely low opinion of the way they behaved. He should have had the dignity to finish it first. He didn’t, he was a coward.

Itsbackagain · 30/04/2022 21:00

Cheaters can make all the excuses they want to, they're still cheats and I wouldn't be with one, "unhappily" married or not. Shows their true colours.

Gynaesaur · 30/04/2022 21:03

I agree that there are some situations where someone is unhappily married- because their spouse is horrible, not just because they're a bit bored or having a midlife crisis- where I wouldn't think too badly of them for having an affair. Or, at least, I'd struggle to feel especially sorry for the cheated on spouse.

But even then, it would be much better for them to have ended one relationship before beginning another. Affairs with all sorts of surrounding circumstances can work out well for the people conducting it. Not necessarily so much for the people who've been cheated on and especially not for any children involved.

It's occasionally an understandable decision but it's never a particularly good one.

LetHimHaveIt · 30/04/2022 21:10

myceliumama · 30/04/2022 20:41

My DH and I met while he was still married. He has been with her for 11 years. We became very close friends very quickly after meeting at university as mature students. She wasn't comfortable with it so we stopped being friends. A month later they separated and we had a fling. It was amazing. They decided to get back together and a few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant . They had been trying for years without success. I decided to keep the baby and we got together officially towards the end of my pregnancy. 4 kids later and twenty years down the line and we are still blissfully happy. She has also remarried and has kids too so it all worked out for the best.

I love my husband to bits. He really is my soulmate.

Heartwarming. Truly.

Thinkbiglittleone · 30/04/2022 21:11

But because DH was the sole breadwinner it was harder for him.. despite paying for a cleaner/mothers help-/ cu pair.: for a non working pit the house mother .

I don't like a person who can't put their morals before tough decisions. Yes I'm sure his ex was awful and he was so put up, but he still had a choice to retain his morals. He chose not too.

He lied and he cheated. The people I know who have cheated have always been jealous in future relationships, as they knew how easy it was for them to cheat.

I'm glad you are happy, I'm glad your DH is happy, but there is no reason to cheat, own your own actions, do the right thing, leave before you take up a new relationship. Its the right thing to do.