Some affairs work out for the better ?

[Everyoneishappier]

NC as super contentious.

Met
My DH when he was unhappily married . (Both would agree on this point)

I was separated but still livng in same house as ex DH.

Move on 15 years and all kids are grown. DH paid CMS and a few extras (with my encouragement) .. Ex wife married the man she was having an affair with...

Both couples are happy.. kids are happy and well blended.

Sometimes you simply marry the wrong person...

(Caveat ) neither couple had kids .. ?

Of course the outcome from affairs is sometimes good - but that still doesn't excuse having an affair. If you aren't happy in your relationship then you leave, and after that you can do whatever you like, but not before. Affairs cause untold harm to everyone - and especially to children. It's completely and utterly selfish.

XH met OW and left me for her when l found evidence of his cheating.

Nearly 5 yrs on they are married.

I have never ever regretted marrying him. We loved each other so much. I have also never regretted divorcing him as we were both miserable at the end.

I don't condone affairs... but in our case it saved us both and we are both much happier.

The OW and l get along absolutely fine. XH and l co-parent well. The DC get on well with OW and she has made a huge effort to get to know them.

For us it's all worked out for the best

This 100%.

I don't think there's a place in hell, let alone a special one for cheaters and I have been on the receiving end and ultimately it ended my marriage.

Yeah, it's not great but we're all fallible, I certainly wouldn't hold onto the burning hate and resentment because that only hurts me more.

Some people just cheat, sometimes that ends in a lasting relationship with the OW/OM, sometimes it doesn't. Same as sometimes dating someone leads to marriage and sometimes it doesn't.

It'd be lovely if nobody ever had an affair and always honourably ended things before starting a new relationship but life just isn't like that.

It’s not a MN trope, it’s pretty factual

I heard the stats on a podcast with Esther Perez (so?) who said that something ridiculous like 90% of relationships that start as affairs fail within a few years
and those that lead to marriage have a higher divorce rate than those that start normally.

and that’s probably in large part because people who have affairs are damaged in one way or another, and won’t make the most stable of partners so become a self selecting group of no hope relationships with the odd exceptions

but the drop off rate from ‘but this is true love/was meant to be/we are soul mates’ during the affair stage, to over and done with is quite extraordinary given the supposed depth of feelings at the start

It'd be lovely if nobody ever had an affair and always honourably ended things before starting a new relationship but life just isn't like that.

Maybe not, but that still doesn't make it right - it's a such flippant comment. We might as well say "it'd be lovely if nobody stole, raped, killed people but life just isn't like that". Of course it's isn't like that, but most people have a sense of right or wrong and don't do those things. Having an affair is a choice - what's so hard about making the right one?

The ones I’ve seen have been complete car crashes.

I don't really think an affair is in the same league as a rape or a murder. I actually think you have to be a fairly awful person to rape or murder someone, I don't think you have to be an awful person to have an affair.

I don't really know what's hard about making the right choice, I've never had an affair. However I know lots of people who have, there's probably lots more people I know who have had them and nobody has ever found out.

I know of precisely nobody who has raped or murdered anyone (not to say I don't know somebody who has but has never been caught) which would suggest that there's some different motives going on between those comparisons you've made.

Also, I obviously don't think affairs are right @SquirrelG, not really sure how I implied that... My life has been made immeasurably harder by the consequences of an affair, but it's just how things have turned out. I can't change the actions of another person any more than I can choose the weather tomorrow.

Everyone has the right to be happy but not at someone else's expense. The decent thing to do is finish one relationship before you start the next one.

I completely understand this. I’m in my mid 30s and so many of my friends who married early 20s are now divorced, and in some cases remarried. YANBU to think that someone who is right for you once, might not be right for you forever. YABU to think affairs are ever OK. Yes, you might end up with someone more suitable, but the collateral damage is horrendous. You don’t need to be a monkey, waiting for the next branch before you let go, most of us have evolved. If it’s not right, let go. Then move on. Affairs always hurt at least one person, but usually, many many more.

I understand the anger directed at people having affairs but I think sometimes this takes on a slightly evangelical tone. Sometimes people are in the wrong marriage

Sure. But you’re focused here on the happily ever after and in my personal experience, the person left behind is the one who has to manage the fall out. They’re the ones who realise every furtive phone call taken in the name of ‘work’ that interrupted birthdays and Christmas was the OW, that the lovely restaurant he took you to on your anniversary was in fact where he and the OW spent their courtship, that he had spent the night you gave birth to your second child with the OW because first child was with the in-laws, and that ultimately, it wasn’t him that had the humiliation of a full sexual health screening. My ex and I conceived a child on his way out - you should be the person trying to reconcile that, the knowledge that you would never have consented to sex with a man sleeping elsewhere. You should have a think about what that does to the innocent party, long term,

There is frequently focus in these threads which quietly suggest the ex wife was awful, and that because some affairs end up with a 20 year marriage, the end truly justified the means. You should be the ex wife who believed her marriage was happy, who was nothing other than a loyal and faithful partner who believed she was was working hard as a team to build a joint future. You should have your life blown out of the water by infidelity and see how it feels before trying to suggest I simply got what I deserved and the longevity of my ex husband’s new relationship makes it all worth it.

YANBU ☺️

i guess it can vary, depending on how careful the people are in the affair, and also what both parties want from the affair ?

Unless you are the child of a blended family you will never know for sure that they are happy with how things worked out

If you asked my dad and step mum and even to an extent my mum who knows me better than anyone else, they would say the same as you - that while it was hard at the time my dads affair came out (step mum was the OW) everyone is happy now

When actually for me it has totally messed me up and I didn’t actually realise how badly until I spoke to a therapist a few years ago. I didn’t tell anyone I saw a therapist, never mind what it made me realise about how my dads affair has shaped my life

kids are happy and well blended.

That can only be your opinion. I think the impact can take a surprisingly long time to emerge - certainly my dad's affair with a married woman really only started to bother me and affect my view of him late in life - when I married and had kids and by the time my mother died - early-ish IMHO - at 69 - his behaviour over the affair became something I came to despise him for - in fact I and all my siblings stopped all contact with him soon after my mother died - this was 15 years ago. Obviously - that's just my/our singular experience.

Someone always gets hurt and that memory of the hurt, when you first found out, when you realised oyur life was ebing changed by someone else never disappears.

I supported my BF at her fathers funeral. He had an affair and left behind 4 DCS. Set up a new life and was v happy with the OW. At his funeral, one of the second family, stood up at the wake and said how great it was that he had 25 years of happiness after 25 years of hell. His 4 DCS were there from the 25 years of hell - someone always gets hurt and that hurt never goes away.

I understand what you are saying OP. My mother and stepdad had an affair and it broke up my parent's marriage. However, mother and stepdad were together for 36 years after the divorce. Yes, it caused hurt at the time. However, for us children, it would not have caused less hurt if they had split up and then found someone else.

it is not the norm however to accept affairs we are a monogamous society that is the morals most live by.

I don't know I am not fully convinced it is as black and white as saying " he could have got out of it" so could his x if she was fucking someone else within her marriage why is it up to the guy to sort it? I don't always think we as humans behaves in ideal manners however I don't always think that = disaster..

I think my father would have remained in the marriage if my mother had not wanted out. However they were poorly suited and as they grow up wanted very different things in life. so not ideal way to end and begin but not was it a disaster

Work out better for who?

Affairs always destroy at least one person. It does not really matter if the cheater and OW/OM had a happy ever after. The ends do not justify the means.

I was cheated on, and my ex left for the OW. She knew he was with someone, so I hate her for that. She was also in a relationship herself. My ex berated me after he left, saying that the OW ex had moved on and why hadn't I.
It has been 5 years now, and I still can not trust anyone at all. Have been unhappily single all that time, but I can't risk being hurt like that again. It nearly killed me.

IDK Xeno

in the ops case who did it destroy? the couple were both looking elsewhere and ended up with their affair partners.

As I said above I don't think the children will be less hurt by their parents break up dye to affrais than simply because ethey outgrew each other

each situation is different and I am not suggesting yours was not painful but in your case there was 1 partner cheating not the same in ops

I don't really think an affair is in the same league as a rape or a murder. I actually think you have to be a fairly awful person to rape or murder someone, I don't think you have to be an awful person to have an affair.

I never said it was in the same league, merely pointing out that it was a flippant comment which, if you wanted to, you could apply to anything. After all you said "that's life" which could cover any scenario at all. You might not think you have to be an awful person to have an affair, but from reading the comments on this thread most people do. Reducing the effects of an affair to "that's life" trivialises what can actually be devastating consequences for some people.

Yeah, it's not great but we're all fallible, I certainly wouldn't hold
onto the burning hate and resentment because that only hurts me more.

I considered my h as my best friend and I think above all, that hurt more than anything, knowing our friendship was destroyed forever. Hate and resentment are natural responses when you have been betrayed as with any human relationship, but I think that for me it lessened and became just disgust.

Disgust is a strong emotion and to those who say people who have affairs are not horrible people, i disagree and it is my right to think so. An affair is not a drunken mistake with a random person it is a cold calculated, premeditated act with corpious ammounts of lies, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week even year by year.

To live a lie.

There is nothing worse you can do to a person to create a false reality, to subject them to pychological pain that invades your every second, it affects your past, your present and future, it never ends. You take it with you.

To me there seems to be a distaste at listening to the actual feelings of those who have been betrayed, everyone in society plays it down but I feel this actually does no good. It's all about getting over it, dismissing the pain, ignoring the loser. Just as mental illness has been swept under the carpet so has the illness that surrounds affairs. And it is an illness for many, it creates illness without in many cases sympathy or understanding.
In fact so many of the betrayed are usually left trying to defend themselves for not being 'good enough', it's a double edged sword.

As soon as someone points out the actual mechanics of the 'affair' the realities for the hurt party, someone will pipe up and shout that they are bitter and twisted. Well enough time has lapsed now for me not to be hysterical and I can say, no I don't have to be quiet and listen to the shite people throw at you to repress your opinions.
Society needs to be more understanding of the endurance betrayed people need, it's as harsh as any illness I've endured. More understanding, more sympathy and more help is needed.

People who conduct affairs are horrible and liars, there is no excuse for deceiving someone, whatever your justification is, it is profoundly wrong and hugely damaging, physically and mentally.

I understand the anger directed at people having affairs but I
think sometimes this takes on a slightly evangelical tone. Sometimes
people are in the wrong marriage

And this little number...

It's not a question of being evangelical, it's about what sort of person you are.

I know for one that no matter how bad my marriage or how bad someone elses marriage was, I could never sit there living a life free from the guilt of knowing there was a heartbroken woman and children living her life at the expence of my needs.

Sorry if that sounds too pious for some but hurting others doesn't float my boat and I unfortunately have a concience that would ultimately destroy any emotional or physical wants that I thought I deserved.

In short my own mind would destroy my happiness.
I am a free agent now but I would never wish to form a friendship/relationship with a mm to absolve me of my lonliness.

My dad had an affair for around a decade. He’s been with the OW, now his wife, for around 30 years. They are very happily married. His affair certainly was better for him and he was without doubt in the wrong marriage.

it was still absolutely awful for my mum and us as children. He checked out despite I think in his head ‘staying for the children’ and it was pretty hellish growing up in that environment.

I met DH when we were both married to other people - he was separated but still living in their house. I was unhappily married , having stayed with ex because our children were still living at home and I didn't want to cause drama. Our kids were between 18 and 24 when we met so none were small.

We both left our marriages and got divorces in motion , lived together for 5 years and have been very happily married for 13 years. Both our ex spouses are remarried, we see both of them at family occasions and are very cordial . We have 5 adult kids between us, still very close to all of them . They were all socked and horrified at first but time has healed those wounds.

Sometimes you just marry the wrong person , no person's story is black and white.