Page 5 | Some affairs work out for the better ?

Everyoneishappier · 2022-04-30T16:56:32+00:00

NC as super contentious. Met My DH when he was unhappily married . (Both would agree on this point) I was separated but still livng in same house as ex DH. Move on 15 years and all kids are grown. DH paid CMS and a few extras (with my encouragement) .. Ex wife married the man she was having an affair with... Both couples are happy.. kids are happy and well blended. Sometimes you simply marry the wrong person... (Caveat ) neither couple had kids .. ?

ittakes2 · 01/05/2022 08:32

Might have worked out ok for you but maybe your ex husband might not have been ok with your cheating.

Knittingchamp · 01/05/2022 08:32

OP do you realise how nasty your posts about your DHs exW are? You infer she was a bit of a lazy scrounger who despite having all house help possible, had an affair. Clearly this isn't what happened. There are two sides to every story and what you're saying sounds like the usual bad picture painted by a guy to justify an affair.

Placing that aside, of course every one deserves to be happy and move on if things aren't working. You only have one life. That means breaking up though, not having an affair. Affairs usually end up with hidden damage that lots of other people close by (kids, etc) have to just absorb, that you will never, ever see, or notice, so you just chug along thinking everything's rosy (and even now talk in a demeaning way about his exW).

Sofielou · 01/05/2022 09:39

I'd also be very wary- if a man can cheat with you that says a lot about his character and I know multiple people who have had affairs, ended up with the guy and he has also cheated on them. If a guy can cheat so easily- he can also cheat on YOU.

Absolutely

cantbelieveheletmedown · 01/05/2022 10:03

Onthedunes · 30/04/2022 20:53

Yeah,

And I presume all the children are as equally happy about everthing as you are.

There is a flippancy in your post, a flippancy that suggests you have never been hurt by the actions of an affair.

You talk of the end outcome, yes you got what you wanted but did everybody else in this scenario get the same ? Were the children's lives as secure, safe, reasoned and ordered as they could have been, were there sacrifices made on behalf of the children and ex's ?

Until you have been betrayed I don't think you could ever imagine the hurt someone goes through and it's not just the big stuff like them having sex with someone else, it's the lies, it's just dreadful.

It almost becomes like a game, where the purpitrator gets off on the deceit, how many times can I fit the other person in, text and call in the shower, toilet, dog walk, local shop visit, taking the kids out to the park and fitting in a facetime.
Day in day out, lie upon lie and all the time the betrayed is out of the loop, looking like a mug, two people laughing at the victim and at the marriage.

And the best thing is, is that you still have no idea of what you have done, pat yourself on the back for your lack of empathy, you did it, you hurt another human being, day in day out for God knows how long.

How much less cruel would it be for people not to do this to another human and tell the truth well before the game of making a wife/husband feel and look like a complete and utter fool.

So in answer to your question, yes it worked out for you but God I would never admit I'd crucified someone by being complicit in inflicting such pain on another person and if you think I'm being overly dramatic then you just have no idea.

There are so many on here who know full well the reality of that pain.

This is so true!!!!

valerianaofficiana · 01/05/2022 10:29

We have a couple in our village who got together yonks ago when both still married. They run away from their respective families to be together, both leaving DC.
They got married and have DC.
Imagine the hurt they caused.
There's something unsavoury and distasteful about their company, people are a bit weary and distant towards them. I feel for all the DC.
Old sins have long shadows.

LetHimHaveIt · 01/05/2022 10:32

'My DH and I met while he was still married. He has been with her for 11 years. We became very close friends very quickly after meeting at university as mature students. She wasn't comfortable with it so we stopped being friends. A month later they separated and we had a fling. It was amazing. They decided to get back together and a few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant . They had been trying for years without success. I decided to keep the baby and we got together officially towards the end of my pregnancy. 4 kids later and twenty years down the line and we are still blissfully happy. She has also remarried and has kids too so it all worked out for the best.

I love my husband to bits. He really is my soulmate.'

It's extraordinary that someone will compose a post in which all the careful wording in the world can't disguise the grubby behaviour, but does so because it allows them the narcissistic opportunity to cast them as an irresistible femme fatale.

'We became close friends . . . she wasn't comfortable with it'.

Well, hardly surprising, given that you were having an emotional affair.

We had a fling . . . it was amazing . . . they decided to get back together . . . I found out I was pregnant . . . they had been trying for years'.

Her rubbish body couldn't make a baby with his sperm, but a winning combo of our super-special sex and my amazing fecundity meant I got up the duff almost immediately.

'It has all worked out for the best'.

In my narrative. Where I won.

Maybe he just wanted kids?

Original poster

Everyoneishappier · 01/05/2022 10:53

Knittingchamp · 01/05/2022 08:32

OP do you realise how nasty your posts about your DHs exW are? You infer she was a bit of a lazy scrounger who despite having all house help possible, had an affair. Clearly this isn't what happened. There are two sides to every story and what you're saying sounds like the usual bad picture painted by a guy to justify an affair.

Placing that aside, of course every one deserves to be happy and move on if things aren't working. You only have one life. That means breaking up though, not having an affair. Affairs usually end up with hidden damage that lots of other people close by (kids, etc) have to just absorb, that you will never, ever see, or notice, so you just chug along thinking everything's rosy (and even now talk in a demeaning way about his exW).

Hmmm I think her 'possible affair' is perhaps a little generous seeing as he moved in a week after DH left... and married him two years later...

Yes I do agree that the best way is always to leave and not to have affairs. Unfortunately in times gone by leaving your wife also meant leaving your children. With little chance of seeing them much more than 4 days a month. That has now changed with shared care becoming increasingly common. If that had been available 20years ago I am sure DH would have gone for it.

OP posts:

cantbelieveheletmedown · 01/05/2022 10:57

Onthedunes · 01/05/2022 01:31

Yeah, it's not great but we're all fallible, I certainly wouldn't hold
onto the burning hate and resentment because that only hurts me more.

I considered my h as my best friend and I think above all, that hurt more than anything, knowing our friendship was destroyed forever. Hate and resentment are natural responses when you have been betrayed as with any human relationship, but I think that for me it lessened and became just disgust.

Disgust is a strong emotion and to those who say people who have affairs are not horrible people, i disagree and it is my right to think so. An affair is not a drunken mistake with a random person it is a cold calculated, premeditated act with corpious ammounts of lies, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week even year by year.

To live a lie.

There is nothing worse you can do to a person to create a false reality, to subject them to pychological pain that invades your every second, it affects your past, your present and future, it never ends. You take it with you.

To me there seems to be a distaste at listening to the actual feelings of those who have been betrayed, everyone in society plays it down but I feel this actually does no good. It's all about getting over it, dismissing the pain, ignoring the loser. Just as mental illness has been swept under the carpet so has the illness that surrounds affairs. And it is an illness for many, it creates illness without in many cases sympathy or understanding.
In fact so many of the betrayed are usually left trying to defend themselves for not being 'good enough', it's a double edged sword.

As soon as someone points out the actual mechanics of the 'affair' the realities for the hurt party, someone will pipe up and shout that they are bitter and twisted. Well enough time has lapsed now for me not to be hysterical and I can say, no I don't have to be quiet and listen to the shite people throw at you to repress your opinions.
Society needs to be more understanding of the endurance betrayed people need, it's as harsh as any illness I've endured. More understanding, more sympathy and more help is needed.

People who conduct affairs are horrible and liars, there is no excuse for deceiving someone, whatever your justification is, it is profoundly wrong and hugely damaging, physically and mentally.

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 just this! You are so right. The pain is unbelievable

MarshaBradyo · 01/05/2022 11:14

Everyoneishappier · 01/05/2022 10:53

Hmmm I think her 'possible affair' is perhaps a little generous seeing as he moved in a week after DH left... and married him two years later...

Yes I do agree that the best way is always to leave and not to have affairs. Unfortunately in times gone by leaving your wife also meant leaving your children. With little chance of seeing them much more than 4 days a month. That has now changed with shared care becoming increasingly common. If that had been available 20years ago I am sure DH would have gone for it.

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Maybe or possibly not. Some people don’t see affairs as that bad and this still could have been the case.

Even with these changes you see many affairs causing pain today

Gowithme · 01/05/2022 11:18

Leave the unhappy relationship and then sleep with other people. Anything else is morally wrong no matter how it works out.

Gowithme · 01/05/2022 11:24

Everyoneishappier · 01/05/2022 10:53

Hmmm I think her 'possible affair' is perhaps a little generous seeing as he moved in a week after DH left... and married him two years later...

Yes I do agree that the best way is always to leave and not to have affairs. Unfortunately in times gone by leaving your wife also meant leaving your children. With little chance of seeing them much more than 4 days a month. That has now changed with shared care becoming increasingly common. If that had been available 20years ago I am sure DH would have gone for it.

Show quote history

Ah the man doesn't want to leave because of the children, oldest excuse in the book to keep you both stringing along. If he really didn't want to hurt the children or risk not seeing them much then he wouldn't be shagging someone else behind their mothers back would he?

BattleGroundGlory · 01/05/2022 11:49

I'm sure some affairs work out for the "better" but I still don't think it's an honest, honourable way to begin a new relationship (especially where kids are involved, what does this teach them!? I know, I know these sort of people don't really care at the end of the day).
But some people last in their affair relationships and probably deserve each other but those are extremely rare. Either way I won't associate with anyone this dishonest so wouldn't know or care if they last. They don't much care for anyone else so deciding that in their situation everyone is happier really means they are and proud of their dishonesty because look at them! They can't operate the minds of others to know what they really think and not say out loud. But good on them, someone has to be proud of the person they are so might as well be themselves...

All honesty, yes sometimes dishonest, selfish people run off with equally dishonest, selfish people and good on them. They need someone as selfish as they are. But while they think it's all roses it might break down yet.... One can only hope these people get a taste of their own medicine.... Zero tolerance here for cheaters regardless who they are, no place in my life. I prefer people with high moral standards that are genuinely good people...not people with excuses for how hard done by they were. End of.

Onthedunes · 01/05/2022 11:55

Op, what is the reason for your posts, after so many years to be in thought about it, what has spurred this trip down memory lane ?
You sound content, life must have been quite a trip trying to facilitate so many of the family dynamics over the years, no easy feat I should imagine, nothing is easy.

There is though one thing you have not learnt though, the excruciating feeling of being betrayed. Are you still in love ?
Love is a wonderful emotion, it wraps you in security, confidence and an openness to view the world as idealistic... Surely in the end everyone becomes happy, well adjusted and as content and happy for the situation as I am.

Not true.
Many marriages end and the reality is that there will be many damaged people out there, seriously damaged by the abuse that is metered out by the abuse of affairs and It is abuse, make no mistake.

I hate the word affair (the french have a lot to answer for) it makes it sound romantic, beautiful and exciting, it is not, is is only painful for the clueless idiot in the background, hardly something someone wants to admit, destroying someones faith in humanity, but it does, no matter how hard the betrayed try to outwardly appear normal.

I can only say to those who are experiencing an affair or about to embark upon one is try to see beyond your own ego and gratification, because honestly prevention is better than the cure, as there is no cure. Such as you op, you are obviously happy now ...

Could you imagine waking up tommorow, just as you have been congratulating yourself on the perfect relationship on here, an almost smugness of how well you get on, feel adored, fancy each other and generally think everything is ticking over beautifully. Bliss. This is sometimes the reality of a marriage although it is presented and quoted as totally different to an affair partner.

It could be you... you could at present be completely unaware of a secret life and love of your partner. Impossible I hear you say, only relationships which are crap, end by losing a husband and them moving on. Also not true, one thing affairs teach you is anyone who lies is capable of lying forever, no one is immune or so special as to stop a liar from lying.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/05/2022 11:56

Onthedunes · 01/05/2022 01:31

Yeah, it's not great but we're all fallible, I certainly wouldn't hold
onto the burning hate and resentment because that only hurts me more.

I considered my h as my best friend and I think above all, that hurt more than anything, knowing our friendship was destroyed forever. Hate and resentment are natural responses when you have been betrayed as with any human relationship, but I think that for me it lessened and became just disgust.

Disgust is a strong emotion and to those who say people who have affairs are not horrible people, i disagree and it is my right to think so. An affair is not a drunken mistake with a random person it is a cold calculated, premeditated act with corpious ammounts of lies, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week even year by year.

To live a lie.

There is nothing worse you can do to a person to create a false reality, to subject them to pychological pain that invades your every second, it affects your past, your present and future, it never ends. You take it with you.

To me there seems to be a distaste at listening to the actual feelings of those who have been betrayed, everyone in society plays it down but I feel this actually does no good. It's all about getting over it, dismissing the pain, ignoring the loser. Just as mental illness has been swept under the carpet so has the illness that surrounds affairs. And it is an illness for many, it creates illness without in many cases sympathy or understanding.
In fact so many of the betrayed are usually left trying to defend themselves for not being 'good enough', it's a double edged sword.

As soon as someone points out the actual mechanics of the 'affair' the realities for the hurt party, someone will pipe up and shout that they are bitter and twisted. Well enough time has lapsed now for me not to be hysterical and I can say, no I don't have to be quiet and listen to the shite people throw at you to repress your opinions.
Society needs to be more understanding of the endurance betrayed people need, it's as harsh as any illness I've endured. More understanding, more sympathy and more help is needed.

People who conduct affairs are horrible and liars, there is no excuse for deceiving someone, whatever your justification is, it is profoundly wrong and hugely damaging, physically and mentally.

I absolutely concur. The pain inflicted on me and my children has been life changing. My ex-h and OW made it their mission in life to destroy mine. Anything to move attention away from their own despicable behaviour. Damn right I'm bitter and I'm absolutely allowed to feel that way. The man is no loss, she did me a massive favour, but I can't come to terms with the cruelty and the viciousness they both displayed not just to me but my kids too. People also forget about the ripples. The damage done to the wider family. It's an absolute shitshow. Leave, behave decently towards the person you're leaving, there is no excuse to do anything else.

Onthedunes · 01/05/2022 12:20

@TheFormidableMrsC

I agree, and many of those liars and abusers will pull you down to their level to ease their transition and guilt.

Anything to absolve them of their responsibility of being a decent person, and it takes quite a while to remove youself from the drama and see at a distance how seedy, grubby and unwholesome they can make your life become, you become part of the shitshow and I am embarrased myself how rediculously I reacted and was riled by such lowlifes.

Anyway from what I see on here, there is minimising of 'the affair' which in my opinion does not educate people on the actual pain it causes. It happened to me, I was definitely damaged by it, don't mind admitting it but I still would hate for this to happen to anyone else, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to overcome in life, obviously everyones story will be different, some worse, some easier but I honestly think explaining to those who have commited adultery or are about to is the only way at least to potentially put some of the purpitrators off.

Wishful thinking probably.

PurrBox · 01/05/2022 14:27

OntheDunes you are very eloquent, and you voice my feelings.

Snowflakes1122 · 01/05/2022 14:31

I guess sometimes affairs work out because two horrible people get together that deserve each other.

Mooooooooooooo · 01/05/2022 14:38

Affairs are nothing short of disgusting and vile. Look at all the people on here trying to justify selfish, deceitful behaviour.
It's really, really not hard to first say to the person, this isn't working out anymore.
Then, you're free to do as you like.
It's really not fucking hard.

Mooooooooooooo · 01/05/2022 14:39

How disgusting you must be to sleep with someone behind your partner's back then go home to them pretending everything is fine. What a low, rotten soulless individual you must be to do it. But carry on trying to justify your sickening behaviour.

Mooooooooooooo · 01/05/2022 14:40

I hope some of you here one day get to go through the pain that me and others have been put through.

MrsH1983 · 01/05/2022 14:42

Mooooooooooooo · 01/05/2022 14:38

Affairs are nothing short of disgusting and vile. Look at all the people on here trying to justify selfish, deceitful behaviour.
It's really, really not hard to first say to the person, this isn't working out anymore.
Then, you're free to do as you like.
It's really not fucking hard.

To be fair, it is very hard if you are being abused. Not saying an affair is right because it's not but it's not black and white as to "just leave".

cantbelieveheletmedown · 01/05/2022 14:55

Onthedunes · 01/05/2022 12:20

@TheFormidableMrsC

I agree, and many of those liars and abusers will pull you down to their level to ease their transition and guilt.

Anything to absolve them of their responsibility of being a decent person, and it takes quite a while to remove youself from the drama and see at a distance how seedy, grubby and unwholesome they can make your life become, you become part of the shitshow and I am embarrased myself how rediculously I reacted and was riled by such lowlifes.

Anyway from what I see on here, there is minimising of 'the affair' which in my opinion does not educate people on the actual pain it causes. It happened to me, I was definitely damaged by it, don't mind admitting it but I still would hate for this to happen to anyone else, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to overcome in life, obviously everyones story will be different, some worse, some easier but I honestly think explaining to those who have commited adultery or are about to is the only way at least to potentially put some of the purpitrators off.

Wishful thinking probably.

Brilliantly written and so very true

MrsH1983 · 01/05/2022 15:00

Mooooooooooooo · 01/05/2022 14:39

How disgusting you must be to sleep with someone behind your partner's back then go home to them pretending everything is fine. What a low, rotten soulless individual you must be to do it. But carry on trying to justify your sickening behaviour.

I'm not the type of person who can lie like that so when I slept with someone else, I told my then husband straight away.

mistermagpie · 01/05/2022 15:13

I left my my husband for my (emotional, not sexual) affair partner. Affair partner was single so no hurt on that side and my ex husband never found out, and trust me I would have known about it if he did, so on that basis it was a bit of a victimless crime. There were no kids on either side.

My ex was abusive, although I know nobody cares about that or finds it mitigating, which is how I know he didn't find out about the affair. I didn't love him but believed I couldn't leave him. Falling in love with someone else made me see that I did have value and could have a chance at a different kind of life. Even if it hadn't worked out with the affair partner I would have been grateful for that and I have never experienced one second of regret or remorse about any of it.

As it was it did work out, me and the AP have been married for 9 years and have three children. He is the love of my life. It doesn't really justify the affair obviously, but I'm not particularly interested in trying to justify it to anyone.

Having said all that, I would be absolutely devastated if my DH cheated on me, I would feel like most of you on here feel about cheaters. I understand that that makes me a massive hypocrite, but people are complicated. Whilst my affair was a betrayal, none of you people who believe I am scum would have wanted to live the life I was living either, I promise you that.

Wingingit15 · 01/05/2022 15:30

Snowflakes1122 · 01/05/2022 14:31

I guess sometimes affairs work out because two horrible people get together that deserve each other.

@Snowflakes1122 this quote made me smile and is bloody spot on in my experience !