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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Some affairs work out for the better ?

196 replies

Everyoneishappier · 30/04/2022 17:56

NC as super contentious.

Met
My DH when he was unhappily married . (Both would agree on this point)

I was separated but still livng in same house as ex DH.

Move on 15 years and all kids are grown. DH paid CMS and a few extras (with my encouragement) .. Ex wife married the man she was having an affair with...

Both couples are happy.. kids are happy and well blended.

Sometimes you simply marry the wrong person...

(Caveat ) neither couple had kids .. ?

OP posts:
slashlover · 01/05/2022 03:03

myceliumama · 30/04/2022 20:41

My DH and I met while he was still married. He has been with her for 11 years. We became very close friends very quickly after meeting at university as mature students. She wasn't comfortable with it so we stopped being friends. A month later they separated and we had a fling. It was amazing. They decided to get back together and a few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant . They had been trying for years without success. I decided to keep the baby and we got together officially towards the end of my pregnancy. 4 kids later and twenty years down the line and we are still blissfully happy. She has also remarried and has kids too so it all worked out for the best.

I love my husband to bits. He really is my soulmate.

So your DH was married for 11 years, had an emotional affair with you, they separated and you had a shag. His wife took him back but you then found out you were pregnant so he left his wife AGAIN to be with you.

Seems their marriage was perfectly fine (even trying for a baby for years) before you rocked up as the OW, not so sure she would have been as happy about everything as you two.

SquirrelG · 01/05/2022 04:54

She has also remarried and has kids too so it all worked out for the best.

So that makes it okay does it? I imagine many people whose partner had an affair find someone else and remarry - it doesn't mean they didn't go through hell at the time of the affair though.

garlictwist · 01/05/2022 04:57

My parents got together because they had an affair (my mum was married). I don't really know the ins and outs as it was before I was born but my mums first husband used to come for Christmas dinner so clearly there was no ill feeling on his part.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 01/05/2022 05:42

An old school friend is seen as the other woman to her now DH. Apparently he was separated but living with his wife at the time. School friend and he have been married for 15 years, have a couple of children. They seem well suited and happy but everyone is waiting for him to turn out to be a bastard.

Norush4 · 01/05/2022 05:52

I don't think your post is worded correctly. This issue is if you have settled down really young people do change, people grow and elevate. Who you was at 19 was you that same person at 31? I think not. Its difficult.

slashlover · 01/05/2022 06:03

Norush4 · 01/05/2022 05:52

I don't think your post is worded correctly. This issue is if you have settled down really young people do change, people grow and elevate. Who you was at 19 was you that same person at 31? I think not. Its difficult.

Nobody is saying that you have to be with someone forever, just that it's better to split up instead of cheating.

hamdden12 · 01/05/2022 06:08

My parents split when I was 13 and instantly my life became easier. My father had the affair and he's been married to her for over 30 years and he's happier. My mother never moved on from it and let it consume her and if I'm honest I pity her. I didn't miss the constant arguing when I was growing up and my father and step mother are better suited, also got another brother from the relationship so it's definitely been better for me.

Eesha · 01/05/2022 06:18

I've never cheated and if there was any type of chemistry with someone else, I'd be looking to end things first with any partner before moving on. My best friend was cheated on many times and its broken her. She is beautiful but can't trust any man now and I don't think that will ever change. Why would you inflict that on someone?

Zoopet · 01/05/2022 06:34

The fall out on a family when there is an affair is horrendous.
My XH had an affair and only left when he was found out.
He is now married to her with another child.
He left his 7 yr old daughter for her best friend's mother so he effectively traded one daughter for another.
It was immensely hurtful and irreparably destroyed his relationship with her.
She has 4 older siblings and to this day (12 years later) 2 of them have had no contact with him since the shit hit the fan.
Our other 3 ,including her, have a polite, minimal relationship with him.
As a family we rebuilt our lives but his and OW's actions destroyed us emotionally and financially.
We were married 28 years and he told me I was his soul mate.
I wish he had done the decent thing and left me/us before embarking on an affair.
All of us have had counselling.
Also never under-estimate the effect of an affair on young, adult children.

flashpaper · 01/05/2022 06:37

My exH would say that his affair was the best thing for all of us, but I would disagree despite the fact we're all much happier now.

He's been with the OW since he left 8 years ago and has 2 more children. I'm extremely happy with my DP but I was single for 5 of those years, struggled every day. I was stressed, exH hardly saw the kids (still doesn't really), I struggled for money and with my job. Goodness knows what effect it will have on my children in the future, thankfully now they're happy and well adjusted. And that's not to mention the agony it caused when I found out which took me years to get over and I still don't 100% trust my DP, not because he has ever given me any reason to doubt him but because I know what it's like to trust someone completely and have them shit on me from a great height.

Your situation sounds like it was best to split but there could be side effects from the affair that haven't even come to light yet.

Autienotnaughtie · 01/05/2022 06:47

I've never had an affair but I would say if you start falling for someone else you need to make a decision if you are staying or going. You can think about if you want to be with the other person after the split. Don't agree with affairs or jumping from one ship to another.

Grapewrath · 01/05/2022 06:59

I know quite a few couples who started their relationship as affairs and are still happy years later.
I do wonder why people don’t leave when they become attracted to someone else and do it that way, but I suppose life is complicated

Herejustforthisone · 01/05/2022 07:01

I’d be curious to hear about this from the eight children’s perspectives.

PurrBox · 01/05/2022 07:19

There is an overpowering desire on the part of the affair partners to think everything is/was ok for everyone. They are blind to the pain and damage they are causing.

If they didn't have this capacity for blindness they would not be able to have the affair, because the torture created by their consciences would ruin the fun.

OP, in your case I imagine some of your husband's 5 children have suffered from the whole dynamic: mum has affair- dad waits around for logistical reasons- dad has affair and leaves... this doesn't sound particularly comfortable and supportive for a large number of kids...

MarshaBradyo · 01/05/2022 07:29

PurrBox · 01/05/2022 07:19

There is an overpowering desire on the part of the affair partners to think everything is/was ok for everyone. They are blind to the pain and damage they are causing.

If they didn't have this capacity for blindness they would not be able to have the affair, because the torture created by their consciences would ruin the fun.

OP, in your case I imagine some of your husband's 5 children have suffered from the whole dynamic: mum has affair- dad waits around for logistical reasons- dad has affair and leaves... this doesn't sound particularly comfortable and supportive for a large number of kids...

I agree with this, good point

ParisNoir · 01/05/2022 07:35

I dont agree with this at all. Why not just end the relationship if you are so miserable- you essentially ended it anyway by moving on with someone else!! Affairs are a form of lies and betrayal and if you feel you'd be so much better with someone else then just freaking leave. Its a terrible example to set to children of dishonesty, sneaking around and no trust.

I'd also be very wary- if a man can cheat with you that says a lot about his character and I know multiple people who have had affairs, ended up with the guy and he has also cheated on them. If a guy can cheat so easily- he can also cheat on YOU.

timestheyarechanging · 01/05/2022 07:39

@Onlyforcake
Absolutely. My ExH and I just discussed the poor state of our marriage and decided to split before either one of us was tempted to have an affair as our relationship had lost all intimacy. Neither of us would have wanted the pain caused by cheating on the other.

UnsuitableHat · 01/05/2022 07:50

Yeah, I think it can work out sometimes. My DB and SIL split up after she had an affair with someone she later married. DB went into a new relationship with someone who initially cheated on her husband to be with him, and later married DB. Both original marriages were unhappy and the affairs were a catalyst to split. Both 'new' marriages are (it seems) happy and have survived for over 25 years.

mostlydrinkstea · 01/05/2022 08:00

If the marriage is unhappy then the grown up thing to do is talk about it, maybe try therapy if there is something to salvage and then go your separate ways. Affairs always hurt someone. Some poor woman thinks she has a catch in my exhusband who was allegedly unhappy in his marriage for years and the marriage had run its course. He neglected to tell me any of that. His family collude in the story because it is too painful to deal with a liar and profoundly selfish man.

Perhaps some affairs do end up with happy marriages and happy children but there is usually a lot of ugly crying before that is achieved.

lap90 · 01/05/2022 08:15

Seems to be largely rhetoric said by those who have had affairs?

I recall watching a reality show and a couple's relationship was a result of an affair and the woman boasted it was the best thing that happened and had no regrets.

A friend's son walked out on his family when the youngest turned 18. Turns out he was having an affair. Admittedly he is more confident and outgoing these days and would probably say he's the happiest he's ever been now but it certainly wasn't happily every after for his family.

Fairislefandango · 01/05/2022 08:19

Of course YABU. Nobody would claim that no relationship that started out as an affair can turn out happily (though I guess it's less likely than in relationships which don't start with cheating). But that's really not the point.

However long things have not been going well, however true it might be that you married the wrong person, whatever circumstances are involved, nothing is actually stopping you from having the decency splitting up before getting together with someone else.

MrsH1983 · 01/05/2022 08:20

I had an affair when I was married to my exDH. It was an abusive marriage in all forms and I admit that I came to resent him. I felt like I couldn't leave him as I know he would have made my life a nightmare (as he did when I eventually left). I slept with another man on one occasion and looking back I think I did it to hurt my then husband. I couldn't stand him and I think part of me was hoping it would push him to leave me and walk away peacefully with no harassment and stalking involved. I think I was also looking for comfort elsewhere as I wasn't getting it at home. I didn't love my husband at all.

Fast forward over a decade and I am remarried now. I love my husband to bits and I would never in a million years consider cheating on him, the thought makes me feel sick.

ancientgran · 01/05/2022 08:21

Iflyaway · 30/04/2022 18:55

Probably be even better if people had the backbone and maturity to say 'this isn't working out' before causing the pain that betrayl and affairs do cause.

I agree with you.

But an awful lot of people are terrified of being alone.

Maybe they stay for the kids as being alone doesn't seem more important than keeping the family together, then they meet someone and realise that life could/should be more?

Wineiscooling · 01/05/2022 08:22

I have been married for 20 years. Our relationship started out as an affair. Neither of us is proud of how our relationship began and we know it caused a massive amount of pain to his ex-wife and 2 children. Unfortunately his relationship with his children from his first marriage is not close and I guess they still haven’t forgiven him. So whilst we are happy and have 2 beautiful children if I had my time again I would do things differently. Whilst we don’t regret meeting each other we do regret how we got together and we both carry a lot of shame over what we did.

MrsH1983 · 01/05/2022 08:23

Forgot to add that I am not married to the man I had an affair with. I met my current DH 2 and a half years after my divorce.