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Original poster

Some affairs work out for the better ?

196 replies

Everyoneishappier · 30/04/2022 17:56

NC as super contentious.

Met
My DH when he was unhappily married . (Both would agree on this point)

I was separated but still livng in same house as ex DH.

Move on 15 years and all kids are grown. DH paid CMS and a few extras (with my encouragement) .. Ex wife married the man she was having an affair with...

Both couples are happy.. kids are happy and well blended.

Sometimes you simply marry the wrong person...

(Caveat ) neither couple had kids .. ?

OP posts:
howtomoveforwards · 09/05/2022 11:27

Well what do you do if one partner is happy and one isn't? Who gets priority on what they want from life and in the end is anyone going to be happy forcing someone to stay in an unhappy marriage. Feelings change and sometimes it just doesn't work

FFS. No one has to stay in an unhappy marriage. That doesn't mean to say you should have an affair as a means by which to leave. Leave, get divorced, deal with whatever it is that led you to that unhappy marriage in the first place and then look for a new life partner.

Squillerman · 09/05/2022 11:28

I personally think the unhappy party should leave the marriage first rather than embarking on an affair, then deciding to end the marriage. It’s like they’re too afraid of being alone so need to already have someone waiting in the wings and it’s a bit pathetic.

ancientgran · 09/05/2022 11:42

howtomoveforwards · 09/05/2022 11:27

Well what do you do if one partner is happy and one isn't? Who gets priority on what they want from life and in the end is anyone going to be happy forcing someone to stay in an unhappy marriage. Feelings change and sometimes it just doesn't work

FFS. No one has to stay in an unhappy marriage. That doesn't mean to say you should have an affair as a means by which to leave. Leave, get divorced, deal with whatever it is that led you to that unhappy marriage in the first place and then look for a new life partner.

But maybe they feel their happiness isn't important if they have a partner who is happy so they just put up with it. Then they meet someone and their own happiness does seem to matter. So they might feel it is selfish to leave a partner and children just because they are unhappy.

howtomoveforwards · 09/05/2022 11:49

Then they meet someone and their own happiness does seem to matter. So they might feel it is selfish to leave a partner and children just because they are unhappy

so that's OK? have you been on the receiving end of an affair? do you know just how long term, life changing it is? but it's OK because someone who was unhappy no longer is.

I can also tell you with 100% certainty that the person my ex was running from when he left me was himself. He still hasn't worked that one out. He's the common denominator in his own life and his own life decisions. Getting rid of me solved absolutely sod all.

Onthedunes · 09/05/2022 13:39

For the affairs that I've seen that have lasted the test of time, the men all tended to be feckless lapdogs who left their children and idolised the ow turned wife. The women tended to be asertive and very in tune to their own wants and needs and liked being put on a pedastal. Ex husbands who were probably more desirable looks wise were left for not being attentative enough.

The players (for want of a better word) usually ambitious men with what they think a bit of money behind them are the ones who had affairs with younger/newer models or arm candy tended to fizzle out and set out again on a endless voyage of finding the perfect wife that doesn't exist.

the80sweregreat · 09/05/2022 14:13

Squillerman · 09/05/2022 11:28

I personally think the unhappy party should leave the marriage first rather than embarking on an affair, then deciding to end the marriage. It’s like they’re too afraid of being alone so need to already have someone waiting in the wings and it’s a bit pathetic.

This does seem to be the way some people operate and it's mostly women that do this ( from what I've seen and heard )

SomersetONeil · 09/05/2022 17:43

the80sweregreat · 09/05/2022 14:13

This does seem to be the way some people operate and it's mostly women that do this ( from what I've seen and heard )

Show quote history

Goodness, I could not disagree more.

Women are far more likely to leave a relationship that they’re unhappy in, and be on their own.

I mean, look at all the single Mums out there.

justfiveminutes · 09/05/2022 18:14

"I'm not talking about serial adulterers but someone who is desperately unhappy and then they meet someone, should they be expected to sacrifice their life. I think those days are in the past."

Well I don't think you get to 'desperately unhappy' overnight. So I think they need to talk to their partners not pretend everything is ok until they meet someone else. Particularly if you have children, I think you should try to address any issues or leave with your integrity intact. There's nothing noble or understandable about shagging someone else while lying to your spouse - and kids too really - every day until you are found out or decide to leave. Cowardly and pathetic. I don't think I could ever feel anything but revulsion for a man who was doing that, yet some women don't seem to mind. I suppose they think the wife deserves it and he'd never do that to them.

I don't think I deserved it. It really, really hurt and still does. It would have been less hurtful and humiliating if he had told me kindly that he wanted out.

ancientgran · 09/05/2022 18:25

justfiveminutes · 09/05/2022 18:14

"I'm not talking about serial adulterers but someone who is desperately unhappy and then they meet someone, should they be expected to sacrifice their life. I think those days are in the past."

Well I don't think you get to 'desperately unhappy' overnight. So I think they need to talk to their partners not pretend everything is ok until they meet someone else. Particularly if you have children, I think you should try to address any issues or leave with your integrity intact. There's nothing noble or understandable about shagging someone else while lying to your spouse - and kids too really - every day until you are found out or decide to leave. Cowardly and pathetic. I don't think I could ever feel anything but revulsion for a man who was doing that, yet some women don't seem to mind. I suppose they think the wife deserves it and he'd never do that to them.

I don't think I deserved it. It really, really hurt and still does. It would have been less hurtful and humiliating if he had told me kindly that he wanted out.

You obviously didn't want to quote everything I said. Obviously you don't like the idea that a man could stay because he knows how his wife will take it and so he stays unhappily until he realises he doesn't have to be unhappy to keep his wife happy.

ancientgran · 09/05/2022 18:31

howtomoveforwards · 09/05/2022 11:49

Then they meet someone and their own happiness does seem to matter. So they might feel it is selfish to leave a partner and children just because they are unhappy

so that's OK? have you been on the receiving end of an affair? do you know just how long term, life changing it is? but it's OK because someone who was unhappy no longer is.

I can also tell you with 100% certainty that the person my ex was running from when he left me was himself. He still hasn't worked that one out. He's the common denominator in his own life and his own life decisions. Getting rid of me solved absolutely sod all.

Yes I have been on the receiving end of an affair. She took great pleasure in visiting me and telling me she was pregnant. She wasn't. We stayed together and made a go of it for years but ultimately we split up, we should have done it then instead of wasting years.

You are obviously very unhappy but this isn't all about you and your ex. The thread is about some affairs working out, my ex's didn't but it would still have been better for us to end it then, happy people don't have affairs.

howtomoveforwards · 09/05/2022 19:09

You are obviously very unhappy but this isn't all about you and your ex

Whatever. Your lack of empathy and justification for piss poor behaviour on the part of those who seek out new partners prior to leaving a relationship is unpleasant.

And no, I'm' not unhappy. Not by a long shot. But I do recognise that what happened to me - and it was up there when it comes how not to leave a relationship - has had a lasting impact and will continue to do so as long as I live. Some of that is positive but some of it is negative. It isn't easy. Trying to silence me with 'it's not about you' ignores the reality that if you're unhappy then you need to do whatever it takes to work things out or move on before actually moving on. There would be alot less damaged people out there and more importantly, a lot less damaged children.

Onthedunes · 09/05/2022 19:14

*Yes I have been on the receiving end of an affair. She took great
pleasure in visiting me and telling me she was pregnant. She wasn't.

We stayed together and made a go of it for years but ultimately we split
up, we should have done it then instead of wasting years.

You are obviously very unhappy but this isn't all about you and your ex.
The thread is about some affairs working out, my ex's didn't but it
would still have been better for us to end it then, happy people don't
have affairs*

You are remarkedly blase about your husband's affair, I obviously don't know the details of your situation but whatever made you so nonchalant about him being in love with another woman at the same time as you, I think you should bottle it, it would sell gallons.

Happy people don't have affairs. How I love that phrase.

Your right though, happy people don't have affairs, selfish, self centered, narcissitic lying, backstabbing, disloyal pondlife people have affairs.
People who have no moral compass, don't give a shit about the mental health of the mother of their children, therefore don't give a shit about the kids, etc, etc.

Their negative traits are endless.

Affairs are not negotiable depending on the happiness of the adulterer, they are wrong full stop. They needn't happen, they are not inevitable, if someone is so unhappy, they should make their feelings heard, not pick up the nearest available unethical woman to shag at the same time as their wife.

More decorum please.

justfiveminutes · 09/05/2022 19:56

"You obviously didn't want to quote everything I said. Obviously you don't like the idea that a man could stay because he knows how his wife will take it and so he stays unhappily until he realises he doesn't have to be unhappy to keep his wife happy."

It's not that I don't like the idea, it's just that I think it is cowardly and pathetic. You imply that he sticks around out of concern for his wife when actually it is far more likely that he sticks around because he likes his home comforts, likes seeing his kids every day, likes keeping the family assets intact and doesn't want to live in a bedsit. It is not altruistic it is weak and ultimately hurts her more.

Even when he then 'realises he doesn't have to be unhappy' he will often continue sneaking around for months and months, just to be certain he won't end up with nothing.

And when found out, so often begging forgiveness even if he tells the ow otherwise when thrown out.

PradaOnaBudget · 09/05/2022 20:06

My ex-H had an affair. They've been married for several years now so I guess it worked out for them. It was shit for me and my DC, and I do hope karma will catch up with both of them one day

ancientgran · 09/05/2022 20:07

Onthedunes · 09/05/2022 19:14

*Yes I have been on the receiving end of an affair. She took great
pleasure in visiting me and telling me she was pregnant. She wasn't.

We stayed together and made a go of it for years but ultimately we split
up, we should have done it then instead of wasting years.

You are obviously very unhappy but this isn't all about you and your ex.
The thread is about some affairs working out, my ex's didn't but it
would still have been better for us to end it then, happy people don't
have affairs*

You are remarkedly blase about your husband's affair, I obviously don't know the details of your situation but whatever made you so nonchalant about him being in love with another woman at the same time as you, I think you should bottle it, it would sell gallons.

Happy people don't have affairs. How I love that phrase.

Your right though, happy people don't have affairs, selfish, self centered, narcissitic lying, backstabbing, disloyal pondlife people have affairs.
People who have no moral compass, don't give a shit about the mental health of the mother of their children, therefore don't give a shit about the kids, etc, etc.

Their negative traits are endless.

Affairs are not negotiable depending on the happiness of the adulterer, they are wrong full stop. They needn't happen, they are not inevitable, if someone is so unhappy, they should make their feelings heard, not pick up the nearest available unethical woman to shag at the same time as their wife.

More decorum please.

Well the affair was 50 years ago, I'd have real issues if I couldn't come to terms with it after 50 years. Not sure you can bottle time.

We should have split then, he clearly dealt with his unhappiness with drinking which got out of hand and eventually it killed him. Sad for our kids, much sadder than if he had left.

ParisNoir · 09/05/2022 20:14

I'm not talking about serial adulterers but someone who is desperately unhappy and then they meet someone, should they be expected to sacrifice their life. I think those days are in the past

What an absolute steaming pile of BS! Noone is saying people have to "sacrifice" their entire life in an unhappy marriage. We are saying END IT FIRST- yes, thats right. END your supposedly miserable, unhappy marriage first, after all, this should be easy right?- if you're so unhappy and everything. End it first, and then begin a new relationship. Its not complicated or difficult, even people with half a brain cell can see how to do this in a way that mitigates the pain and suffering for all involved.

Isnt it funny though, how that often doesnt happen?- how the cheaters often continue to sleep with the spouse they are supposedly "miserable" with whilst all the while telling their bit on the side that their spouse doesnt understand them and all the other unimaginative, idiotic cliches that side partners fall for, believing they are "special". All the while being used and put down like a kleenex by a person who claims to be in a "miserable relationship"!

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 09/05/2022 20:34

A friend of mine's husband had an affair with her (younger) sister. The friend divorced him. The kids were just teenagers at the time.

Her parents took her younger sister's side, saying that he wouldn't have cheated if 'she had been a better wife'.
(The affair fizzled out after a few months)

The result was that my friend never spoke to her family (or exH) for 20 years. She only broke her silence when her mother pleaded with her to visit her dying father.
Then her mother talked about 'burying the hatchet'. My friend told her mother that she was lucky it hadn't got buried in her f*ing head.
They haven't spoken since and that was 5 years ago.

Unless you have been on the receiving end of a betrayal you have no comprehension of the devastation it can cause.

Eddiesferret · 09/05/2022 20:52

Actually I disagree. Never been divorced. Happily married for 35 years. Never cheated do not believe he has. However ..

Men who have affairs lose their kids.
Women who have affairs take them with them. This is the fundamental reason men cheat.

They fall out of love with their wives. For a gazillion reasons but imho the main one is a HUGE and understandable focus on babies and kids. Especially these days where ebf , child lead weaning , child focussed everything is quite rightly encouraged. They are all things that take up a huge amount of the woman's time and effort. Leaving very little emotional room for the father.

EBF is especially difficult. The clue is in the title . Exclusive. The man has no part while the woman focuses exclusively on the child and subsequent children. It's not a criticism it's a fact. When your previously adoring partner only has eyes for the wee one - noses get put out of joint and it takes a very emotionally mature man to understand he is now No 2 in the pecking order..

Many are tempted by those who will give him attention. However it's never that simple. His wife/partner may be showing no interest but he loves his kids.. what to do ?

Be honest and say how he feels ? Leave with someone who does show interest ? But then he will lose kids... to every other weekend ..

No.. fry and balance the two. Stay home with kids and get emotional and sexual gratification outside.

I know so many men who wished they had had the patience to wait .. who have married the mistress but regret the fact that they hadn't been wiser. Who still wish they were with their wives now the kids are grown.

Without doubt things are beginning to change. The prevalence of 50/50 care has helped this enormously.

I work in family law.. this is where my experience comes from ... and I am pleased to say that more and more couples are accessing mediation and talking about their reasons for family breakdown. and coming to terms with the reasons together .. and trying again. Accepting that their is always fault on both sides .

justfiveminutes · 09/05/2022 21:11

Eddiesferret.

Firstly, any man who cannot cope with being second fiddle to an EBF baby isn't really a man worth having.

Secondly, if the reason for the affair - as opposed to leaving - is desperately wanting to stay with his kids, then why do they so often lose interest in regular contact afterwards? It's not often you speak to a single mum where the father is desperate for more contact.

Both points are contradictory. They love their kids too much to leave. They don't love their kids enough to cope when they are their mother's priority.

I suspect the men you meet at mediation are talking bollocks. 'I just couldn't bear to leave the children...no...wait...I just couldn't bear to see you prioritise the children.'

The solution would be too accept that the kids come first for a bit, or leave and go for 50/50.

Onthedunes · 09/05/2022 21:30

Eddiesferret · 09/05/2022 20:52

Actually I disagree. Never been divorced. Happily married for 35 years. Never cheated do not believe he has. However ..

Men who have affairs lose their kids.
Women who have affairs take them with them. This is the fundamental reason men cheat.

They fall out of love with their wives. For a gazillion reasons but imho the main one is a HUGE and understandable focus on babies and kids. Especially these days where ebf , child lead weaning , child focussed everything is quite rightly encouraged. They are all things that take up a huge amount of the woman's time and effort. Leaving very little emotional room for the father.

EBF is especially difficult. The clue is in the title . Exclusive. The man has no part while the woman focuses exclusively on the child and subsequent children. It's not a criticism it's a fact. When your previously adoring partner only has eyes for the wee one - noses get put out of joint and it takes a very emotionally mature man to understand he is now No 2 in the pecking order..

Many are tempted by those who will give him attention. However it's never that simple. His wife/partner may be showing no interest but he loves his kids.. what to do ?

Be honest and say how he feels ? Leave with someone who does show interest ? But then he will lose kids... to every other weekend ..

No.. fry and balance the two. Stay home with kids and get emotional and sexual gratification outside.

I know so many men who wished they had had the patience to wait .. who have married the mistress but regret the fact that they hadn't been wiser. Who still wish they were with their wives now the kids are grown.

Without doubt things are beginning to change. The prevalence of 50/50 care has helped this enormously.

I work in family law.. this is where my experience comes from ... and I am pleased to say that more and more couples are accessing mediation and talking about their reasons for family breakdown. and coming to terms with the reasons together .. and trying again. Accepting that their is always fault on both sides .

Please tell me the name of your firm so as not to use you, this is one of the most closed views on affairs, I've read.

Do you think that you being married for 35 years that you are out of the danger zone, and this could not possibly affect you.

Think again, it's never too late to find out, or realise you've been duped.

Affairs are not just for the young.

Honestly your post is condescending and patronising to so many women who have been betrayed, do you think women are stupid and don't know the demands of family life.

Usually these are highly intellegent, empathic women who were clued up and found out, believe me there are many deluded and completely unaware women who have no idea that their husbands have been in and out of love with different women during the course of their marriage.

LetHimHaveIt · 09/05/2022 22:42

'I work in family law . . . '

The typing pool, one hopes.

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