Some affairs work out for the better ?

[Everyoneishappier]

NC as super contentious.

Met
My DH when he was unhappily married . (Both would agree on this point)

I was separated but still livng in same house as ex DH.

Move on 15 years and all kids are grown. DH paid CMS and a few extras (with my encouragement) .. Ex wife married the man she was having an affair with...

Both couples are happy.. kids are happy and well blended.

Sometimes you simply marry the wrong person...

(Caveat ) neither couple had kids .. ?

No one that has affairs wants to think of themselves as the bad guy. But those on this thread who think they are somehow different are deluding themselves.

How can you be so sure he isn’t cheating on you, the way he did with his previous partner? You can’t. You know they have form for this behaviour.

When my best friend married her ex husband, she changed from being confident outgoing to a shell of her former self, he owned his own business (which she basically ran for him) he looked succesful, they had the kids, house, cars etc but I knew deep down she was not happy.

She found out about his affair (his words later, when confronted with proof he had upgraded and deserved to be happy, she could still work in the business and he would get her a little place for her and the kids) Unbeknown to him she had known for 6 months (how she kept it together I will never know) she made plans got an excellent solicitor and planned what could only be descirbed as a military operation to protect herself and the kids.

He never saw this coming, she also set up a rival business to his and a lot of clients left to go with her (he still did not catch on to this at the time to involved with his trade up to care about the business)

He was literally flabbergasted with the judges financial order, as was the OW, who had taken great pleasure in telling her how her life of luxury would be over and hers was just beginning!!

After the divorce she actually broke down all the fight was gone, but still put on a brave face, and has now recovered and loves her new business, her freedom and has now 5 years later got a new partner and is so happy.

OW left him after 6 months because he did not provide what he stated he would
house being sold business not doing well. She actually occasionally feels sorry for him and once thaked him for giving her life back.

So yes this one did work out for the better for my friend but the hurt and damage often remain hidden and don't always work out for the best.

If you no longer love someone or want to be with them, surely its better just to say so and walk away rather than have an affair causing trauma for everyone around you, because other friends affairs have shown me this is not the normal outcome and I have seen some really broken friends both male and female due to this.

Affairs are for spineless people.

When XH and l split everyone said he'd cheat on OW. I always disagreed as they are happy... and we really weren't!

Yes... he shouldn't have had an affair but l actually really hope they do stay together as we all get on well.

Appreciate that what is in the best interests of the children is paramount, but how harsh having an affair and depriving your partner of half of the time with their children growing up

My good friend from school had an interesting situation with her DH. She was, still is, gorgeous and hugely popular and basically partied her life away with rich and somewhat famous, got engaged to a multi millionaire, lovely life.
Got cold feet with the loaded guy and left him at the altar. Draaamaaa.
Then one day woke up at 43 and panicked, the first guy she met she practically decided to marry and have DC. Poor guy didn't know how he got so lucky, he was your average chump, not much to look at and middle manager somewhere or other.
She didn't love him, she didn't even like him much, she just wanted a child before it was too late.
Couple of DC later, we met up at school reunion and she got pissed and told me the story here.
We kept in touch as lived not far.
Well, some years later, she found out that the DH had screwed a colleague when first DC was 1y. A completely non-descript, to put it nicely, matronly woman.
Then proceeded to have a full blown affair with someone he met at a birthday party they both had been invited to but my friend couldn't be bothered to go.
The OW was a mousey type, nothing to look at but ever so desperate and needing to be constantly rescued from all manner of ills.
DH in question must have felt like knight on a pony. It was discovered that DH had a form pestering all below average females in vicinity until one said yes, poor creature.
Once DH got caught and everything came out,a strange thing happened.
My friend suddenly decided that she would like to keep the DH, the man she had despised, belittled and used all along and after a bit of couples therapy, they are happily together.
Now who was wrong in this story?

Probably be even better if people had the backbone and maturity to say 'this isn't working out' before causing the pain that betrayl and affairs do cause.

onlyforcake nails it here ^

I agree that people should not stay in miserable, unfulfilling relationships, however, there is never any reason for cheating.

Absolutely agree and this comes from one who had an affair. Still with the guy 3.5 years later.
But it caused immense damage.
At the time I felt trapped in every way. But I still wish I'd done it differently.

Interesting thread.
I am conflicted because my exdh was married when we met. I adored him but had no expectation that he would leave his wife and did not ask him to. I felt guilty snd finished the affair after a few months. He decided to leave his side snd we got together. But the guilt for both of us was immense and our marriage was never happy although we stayed married for 25 years.
People looking from the outside thought we were happy snd would have said on here that we were a success story but the guilt was corrosive snd I regret taking him back when he left his wife.

My best mate’s husband left her for my sister, essentially swapping his child for his very good friend.

it’s been like a bomb has gone off, my friend is incredibly upset still, their son appears to have got on with it remarkably well in front of his Dad but complains of being sad each night he’s at home, and goes between wanting to see his Dad and not see him. My relationship with my sister is in tatters and they both really don’t understand why, and are preferring to demonise my friend for what she’s saying to me about them, not their actions.

As far as the pair of them are concerned, it was a dead marriage, my friend wasn’t a good enough wife, and my sister has essentially saved him from a dreadful time. There is no thought at all for the wreckage left behind, and there’s plenty.

I don’t know if it’s a brain chemistry thing, but any empathy my sister had has gone, she can’t accept any blame, see that any consequences for her are fair. It’s hard being her sister now, I don’t recognise her. She feels very much the victim of it all, with me probably painted just as black for not supporting her as my friend is demonised for being the person that in their opinion caused this bad marriage. They won’t accept blame, but think anyone who ‘disapproves of their lives’ are just arseholes.

The position I’ve been put into is horrendous, and I’ve done my best to try to make things better where I can for my friend but she’s been shattered by the whole thing. I feel I’ve had to take the consequences where my sister has just walked away feeling totally justified and fine. There’s great resentment as you can imagine.

So OP, you may think all is well, but there will be hurt and upset in your wake, children aren’t honest with the person that leaves because they’re now insecure with them. They aren’t truthful, they don’t want to risk the contact they have. So where it might appear all good on the surface it isn’t actually.

My friends son complains that his Dad sees my nephew far more than him, it’s going to have an effect that one day the person who’s always been there ups and leaves, then six months later is his good friends Dad. That’s fucked up and when there’s some maturity each child there will be looking back and thinking WTF?

I keep wondering how someone thinks another person is somehow more compelling to live with than their own children. I could never ever leave mine and see them for such a limited time each week. That’s the part I will never get.

@bozzabollix that's really terrible for you! Talk about shitting on your own door step... I would take a huge step away from my sister merely because of the dynamics she has choosen being it with your best friends DH. As your best friend I don't know how our friend could continue either. Its a sh*t situation all round!

Why do you think your marriage wasn't happy? Do you think he would of left his wife anyway? 25 years is a really long time and for him to leave he surely must of liked you.

You would say that OP, you're the one who was having the affair.

@Norush4 i have, sadly it’s had a lot of ramifications for me within my own family. It’s had an awful effect on my parents too who never thought they’d see us this estranged, and there was a lot of pressure put on me to put things right because of that.

Its easily been the worst experience of my life in some ways because of not knowing what to do.

So anyone who thinks an affair is pain free is really deluding themselves, the two affair partners never really get to know just what they cause.

Should her father have stayed in a miserable marriage? Wouldn’t that have caused decades of pain too?

my own experience is that my father had an affair and left. But his marriage to my mother was extremely unhappy everyone could see that including us kids. So I don’t blame him for that at all.

Maybe your sister’s stepson feels the same way. Or maybe he doesn’t. But the affair isn’t always the thing that is bad for the kids. a toxic marriage can be worse.

Should her father have stayed in a miserable marriage? Wouldn’t that have caused decades of pain too?

it’s funny though, that these marriages are never miserable until a mistress comes along and the man needs to rewrite history and the state of the relationship to justify the affair

how many times on these threads do you see women absolutely blindsided by men telling them they’ve ‘never been happy’ or ‘love them but aren’t in love’ out of the blue a few days before leaving for an OW…

Its literally the script!

Yeah, and also, if the marriage was so utterly miserable then why didnt they end it ages ago? This idea that ending a relationship and doing the decent thing is somehow harder than sneaking around, lying, pretending you care for someone when you dont, making up bogus excuses for why you arent at home, hiding texts and phone calls is ludicrous. Its all just lame excuses for the cheater to relieve their cognitive dissonance.

Never any reason for cheating. Low morals. Lack of trust.

Should her father have stayed in a miserable marriage? Wouldn’t that have caused decades of pain too?

No one has to stay in a miserable marriage. From an administrative perspective, getting a divorce isn’t difficult. By suggesting affairs are OK if you are miserable in your marriage, you are blaming the person being left behind for somehow making the other person miserable rather than putting the blame where it’s due- on the person who had the affair. If unhappy, get out of the marriage then seek a new relationship. Why is that so hard for so many to get their heads round?

I am sure that they work out sometimes. In fact, there are probably statistics somewhere, but I bet it is far rarer than the alternative.

My ex is still with his affair partner, 10 years on. Everyone tells me they seem very happy and well suited, so I am sure it will endure and be a long relationship.

I don't tell anyone he spent the first two years asking to come back, or still sporadically contacts me to express remorse and regret.

I myself will never recover. My self esteem and confidence I mean. I was absolutely devastated and heartbroken for a long time, and now I am just frightened of ever finding myself in the same position again. I will be single forever I think, so my life was completely derailed. I loved and trusted him so much, I never thought him capable of something like that.

He thinks he has a good relationship with his children. They see him regularly and are old enough to choose. Really, their relationship is very superficial and it hurts them that he lives with his step children. They love him but don't seem to like him very much. It has affected my dd's relationships and choices particularly.

So I suppose that he and his partner are happy and think it has all worked out for the best. I know he has told her that I had affairs, refused to work etc but it isn't true at all. It hasn't worked out for the best for me or dc though. I wish he had left honourably, I could have coped with that.

People who have affairs are selfish.
There is never ever an acceptable reason to cheat.
The decent thing to do is leave your unhappy relationship.
Affairs cause pain. I reacted with Traumatic shock - shaking, cold sweats, I could barely function, I didn't eat for a week. The shakes lasted months. Whenever I thought about it at all my whole body would start the shake.
I'm not a dramatic person, I am calm in a crisis but learning about the affair was something else. It's taken years to reach the point I can even speak the AP's name without negative feelings.

You want to think 'some affairs work out for the best' and maybe everyone is okay now but you want to think that to assuage your own guilt. You know what you did was shitty. You know it shouldn't have started the way it did. You were selfish and you want that to not be the case.

This is all so true. I'm currently going through horrendous pain with a DH who appears to be following "the Script" the pain is like nothing I've ever experienced ever in my life before. Why just not be honest and end it first. No instead the selfish bastard wants me to leave so he can be the victim and then bring OW onto the scene.

I can only describe it as trauma, I can't eat, sleep, I keep shaking and crying, I cannot even listen to music in my car as I break into uncontrolable sobs. I cannot function what person or persons would make somebody feel like this?

I have actually been suicidal. There is never any justification to. Put somebody through this. There is a special place in hell for cheaters!

@cantbelieveheletmedown

Sending hugs and strength.

x

@cantbelieveheletmedown I completely feel for you. When my best friend was cheated on, she went to stay with another friend and later told me she was throwing up, sobbing and not eating. It absolutely crushed her and despite her easily being the most stunning woman in most rooms, her confidence has been completely shattered. I couldn't imagine that hurt.