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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Comment after oral sex (this may be TMI for some ppl)

655 replies

Limebazil · 30/04/2022 16:06

I am seeing a guy the last few weeks we are both early 30s. He seems like a nice guy, and things were going great. Last night we slept together for the first time, it was great he was very generous in bed but after he had gone down on me he said "I think you should drink more water you taste kind of strong". This was really hurtful to me, I'm sure he didn't mean it to be hurtful and maybe I'm overly sensitive but why would you say that when it is widely known that women/ girls are paranoid about how they look/ smell/ taste down there. He's not a gynaecologist so the health advice was not appreciated. He could see he had upset me and tried to back track saying "he didn't mean it like that" and "I'm crazy about you the last thing I want to do is offend you I was just trying to help" but now I'm just seeing it as a red flag. AIBU?

OP posts:
Girlpower44 · 02/05/2022 21:10

IsabelaMadrigal · 02/05/2022 21:04

It wasn't meant as a criticism. It was information. I absolutely did not judge and would not, however, I do think it is useful for women to know that HPV isn't screened for as I know women that sadly picked up the cancer causing type after having a 'full sexual health screen'. So it is something worth considering when with a new partner as many women aren't aware of it. Depending on her age and whether she's lucky enough to have had the HPV jab will make it more or less relevant.
I also assume the op took it in the spirit it was intended as she is a feisty one(which I love) and has no problem confronting the misogyny on the thread.

Oh thats alright then! Unbelievable! It is quite blatantly shaming and underhand. I learnt along time ago dealing with people like you who want to shame women under the guise of it was ‘information’ is a lost cause! OP didn’t ask for your unsolicited health advice so giving it however you intended it to be was inappropriate! Don’t you understand that at all????

IsabelaMadrigal · 02/05/2022 21:14

Well, again, I am coming at this from a lens of having loss due to HPV. Wish someone had told me and my peers as we thought a full sexual screen was just that.
I am happy to apologise to op if she thinks it was over the line, but the timeline of events made me think she didn't know about HPV and it kills.
But I'm not happy to be drawn into a bunfight with you when I've been supportive of op on this thread.

SomersetONeil · 02/05/2022 21:19

@Rainbowcrochet - thank you for your posts on this thread. I strongly agree with every one of them.

Meanwhile, posters on here continue to insist the OP was somehow in the wrong or culpable, or should be looking at herself in some way … while she has clearly long since left the thread, confident - and 100% right - in her decision making. Brilliant - love it.

Girlpower44 · 02/05/2022 21:25

I test my case no point trying to highlight to you how inappropriate and shaming what you did is to all women given the context. Your basically saying the OP could have caught HPV, Herpes or Warts from this encounter and assuming she is ignorant to this fact by giving her this information is insulting! I have no time for ‘information’ givers like you. It’s judgement and shame wrapped up in the guise of being ‘helping and caring’. No idea what a gunfight is either again though just highlights you are trying to shut a girl down and not allow her to express herself!

Limebazil · 02/05/2022 21:28

@IsabelaMadrigal I did not take any offence to your comment at all I actually didn't realise that the screen didn't include HPV so thank you for making me aware of this and I'm sorry for your loss.

To be fair I see where @Girlpower44 was coming from as there was a pile on at the start with people giving me unsolicted health advice with the assumption being that there was something wrong with my body and I was vocal about the fact that i didn't like these comments. But the HPV comment was in a helpful way not nasty so i took it in the spirit it was intended.

I appreciate everyone who stood up for me against some really nasty comments.

I'm doing good, booked a holiday and planned a few nights out with friends to look forward to and going to stay off tinder for the foreseeable haha

OP posts:
Girlpower44 · 02/05/2022 21:37

OP. So glad you have come out of this close encounter with a complete dick confident. Enjoy your holiday 😉

IsabelaMadrigal · 02/05/2022 21:39

Glad to hear it op, you really impressed me with your ability to not only spot red flags, but to act on them. Based on your maturity I assumed you were older so at the 'at risk' category, particularly for HPV, so I did think it was relevant information. It causes real tragedy in people's lives and mostly effects women, for obvious reasons, so I believe education around it is a feminist issue.
It genuinely wasn't an attempt to shame you but due to my experiences I felt I needed to pass that information on.
Please do keep an eye out for this man as he sounds unhinged.

Daysofcaution · 02/05/2022 22:09

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TheLadyofShalott1 · 02/05/2022 22:09

Rainbowcrochet · 02/05/2022 19:18

@TheLadyofShalott1 I'm so glad you asked.

"I don't actually think he was trying to gas light you, I think that his reaction to your reaction at his comment, was unfortunately one that many inadequate males will have when they think they are in trouble for something They backtrack, they lie (hopefully not too seriously, as they are usually easily caught out in their lies), and yes, I do believe that some of them have this internal defense mechanism that makes them actually forget that their misdemeanor ever happened at all! Because I believe the above to be such a wide spread adult male failure, I think we need to come to our personal conclusions about whether we can accept their childish behaviour on odd occasions"

what you are saying here is that his reaction (denying her reality by lieing about it ever happening, minimising her feelings, continuing to contact her in various ways after she blocked him) should be accepted because men are just silly little boys and should be held to a lesser standard than women and we just forgive their apalling behavior. This is text book dick pandering and misogyny.

Then there was the old doozy "As for his last email - IF it was actually from him" - you are inferring here that he didn't send the email or that the OP is lieing about it - this is another example of dick pandering it couldn't possibly be the case a man became abusive when rejected so the OP must be lieing.

Thank you so much for your quick response. I am afraid that I am having difficulty in understanding your understanding of the first paragraph you have copied above, so I will do my best, but I must have lost the art of articulation, which I thought I used to have.

But before I do that, can we please remember that the OP did ask for opinions, and I gave mine.

The only time that I am aware of being rude and unkind to the OP, which I shouldn't have been, was when I wrote in my first response:

"Sorry OP, but I haven't the energy to read the whole thread, especially as it soon became clear that you only want answers from people that agree with you, or you will get defensive and sarcastic."

I apologetically admit that even though I did believe it at that time, I shouldn't have said it. This isn't supposed to be a defence for me, but I actually didn't have the energy to read every post, I was both emotionally and physically exhausted from something else, but that was no excuse to take it out on the OP.

Can I try and tell you something about my character as I think it might have a bearing on the differences between what I think I am saying and how others are interpreting it. Of course you can't give me that permission without me posting this now, and if I do that I might not be able to carry on later. So as you have already been kind enough once to respond positively to my previous request, I will somewhat cheekily assume you are saying yes again.

I am scrupulously honest, quite often to my own detriment. I also think, in what I consider to be a very logical and factual manner. So like on here, when someone asks for other peoples opinions, I think that they do actually want them. Now, I think that my last sentence might sound sarcastic, but it is not meant like that, I really do think that people who ask for opinions, do actually want them.

Having just thought about that a bit more, I suppose that any OP might also believe that they want other people's honest answers, and it is only after they get them that they realise they didn't want that version of something?

So I admit that when I wrote the above paragraph to the OP, I had thought at first that she wanted honest opinions, so I was frustrated by some of her replies to previous posters, as I didn't think they were saying anything for the sake of being nasty. I thought, and do still think, that at least most of them, were replying like that for the right reasons. One of my biggest fears that aren'tabout the health of my loved ones, is that people will not be honest to me, even when however painful something is, I would rather know the truth, or what might be the truth.

Sorry, but I still don't understand how me thinking that an awful lot of men are hopeless with emotions and expressing themselves is misogynistic or dickpandering (I thought I was dickpandering when I used to give bj's, not when I was trying to be what I consider a feminist to be, in wanting equality for both sexes). I don't know what term I would use to describe a woman who only considered other woman's feelings, as far as I know I have never met a woman like that in real life, the ones I know are like me, and believe in equality for all.

But the only reason I gave the OP my opinion, was because she said in her OP that the guy she had been on several dates with, and even sensibly to a sexual health clinic with (sorry, I can't remember their official name), was nice - so at that time she still thought he was nice, and she went on to say that the sex was great and that he was generous.

If the OP had not said that, I wouldn't have bothered commenting (I hope I am not in trouble again, I am not victim blaming here, the OP was just as entitled as anyone else to open a thread and say whatever she wanted to say). I did bother commenting because by the time I read it (maybe about page 6?) although she already knew that he wasn't for her she had thought until very recently that he was nice, great and generous. Therefore I was worried that because quite a few of the responders seemed to immediately reply about how nasty he was etc, that the OP still being emotionally hurt by him, might have forgotten his good points. So I suppose I decided to play devil's advocate by pointing out what some men are like, and by reminding her that even though they could be stupid idiots on occasions, their good points can sometimes override their bad ones - I know that for certain! Once I realised what his last message said, I agreed that he was not one of those.

To your last paragraph I can only say that in my mind I wasn't calling her a lier. I would phrase it that way about anyone I didn't know personally, as the logical fact to me is that if someone sends someone else a communication and they show it as proof of something, but it hasn't got any details on it (for very good reasons in this case), then I can't say for a fact that it is true. Once again I should probably left that bit out. I did tell her that she was right to have blocked him.

So I don't see what I was doing as being misogynistic or dickpandering. Of course I believe that some men can and do become abusive when rejected. Some men murder because of it. However, if you and others, but particularly the OP, sees any of that as being misogynistic and dickpandering then I do apologise profusely for havin

TheLadyofShalott1 · 02/05/2022 22:12

Sorry, couldn't finish as thrown off!

ldontWanna · 02/05/2022 22:19

This reply has been deleted

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Dude, get a life, eat more pineapple, drink more water, praise the dick. Whatever will stop you regurgitating your vile,mysoginistic and victim blaming word soup on here.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 02/05/2022 22:27

@ldontWanna

I think that was a MRA troll so reported them. If not a MRA, just a very sad specimen who hates women! Absolutely vile.

Rainbowcrochet · 02/05/2022 22:32

I reported them also. Absolutely vile comment.

SomersetONeil · 02/05/2022 22:38

@Daysofcaution - how little do you have going on in your life that, as a (bitter) man, you have to hang out on (and get wound up by) a forum for mothers?

My advice to you: put the mobile phone down, take a deep, restorative breath - and step outside for some fresh air. It will do your blood pressure no end of good. Wink

Metamorphosis2022 · 03/05/2022 07:41

@Limebazil You go, girl, you are a beacon of hope and a good role model to women for handling this situation so confidently. This man was a complete narcissist and you've done the right thing by ditching him. Have a great holiday and put it all behind you.

To all, you pineapple munching water guzzlers! I don't want to put you down cause well it's a personal choice but really the OP did not ask how to make anything about her change smell or taste so not appropriate for this post!

The passive-aggressive judgemental posters who kept forensically repeating the details of the sexual encounter. NOT NECESSARY!

To all those quoting incessantly to try and prove a point. Whatever points you were arguing about have been drowned out because of all your 'word fuckery'!

Red Flag alert @IsabelaMadrigal ! Take your own advice and reflect on all the 'Red Flags' you should be challenged on. OP clearly stated numerous times before you 'so kindly' pointed out that she was 'at risk' of HPV, Herpes and Warts that she DID NOT WANT UNSOLICITED HEALTH ADVICE! When someone had the courage to challenge you on this (well-done @Girlpower44 ) you then proceeded to try and justify your blatant disregard for OP boundaries and IMO you then used a 'classic coercive technique' on the OP who found herself changing her original stance. NEWSFLASH @IsabelaMadrigal . Nowhere in the OP's or subsequent posts did she ask for information on HPV, HERPES OR WARTS! In fact, she specifically expressed 'THAT SHE DID NOT WANT UNSOLICITED MEDICAL ADVICE'! How would you like it if next time you go out for a meal the service staff started lecturing you on HPV, HERPES AND WARTS?
RED FLAG 1 read the OP's original dilemma and stick to the brief she has asked for.
RED FLAG 2 don't give out unsolicited medical advice when OP had clearly stated previously that it made her uncomfortable and SHE DID NOT ASK FOR IT!
RED FLAG 3 when asked to explain why you felt it was necessary to bring up HPV, WARTS AND HERPES you shut down @Girlpower44 for trying to bring up how inappropriate it was and then this has to be the most damaging of all..... you used coercive tactics which resulted in OP changing her mind completely and saying that 'your unsolicited medical advice' was okay.
@IsabelaMadrigal learn to RESPECT BOUNDARIES!!!!

IsabelaMadrigal · 03/05/2022 08:09

The reason I brought it up was because it was relevant knowledge I wish someone had told me. If someone had told me I wouldn't have experienced personal tradegy. No not the topic of the thread, but something most people don't know and worth mentioning to save others tragedy.
I'm happy to apologise to anyone that thought it was a judgement. It wasn't, can't judge when it's something that's effected your life. To be honest, I was just skimming until I saw that bit and commented because it being more widely known is helpful and actually takes the sting out. And yes, I did worry that the comment would be misconstrued, but a lack of information about that particular subject caused tragedy for me, so yes, a waiter or anyone may have changed that for me.

But I realise that tragedy from any of those STDs is unusual, so can see why it's not relevant to everyone.

I'm not commenting further now as it's grief triggering, and don't want to merail the thread.

katrizia127 · 03/05/2022 08:47

TheLadyofShalott1, cheers, I've been looking for a new novel to read.

All jokes aside, and this goes for many on this thread - stick to the brief! Don't read between the lines and address all manner of things that are not relevant to the OP! Take what the OP posts at face value. There's no need to question if the email is authentic, just respond as though it is or you render your input irrelevant by addressing hypothetical scenarios. This thread is a real trip.

Metamorphosis2022 · 03/05/2022 09:00

@IsabelaMadrigal I accept your apology. I empathise with your loss it is exactly because of a loss close to me HPV related that I paid for my son to have the Gardasil 9 vaccine privately years ago when boys were not included in the vaccine program. Even though I feel you haven't really addressed the Red Flags I feel you have displayed yourself I am going to respect your boundaries as I do not want to trigger your grief or derail the thread.

WTF475878237NC · 03/05/2022 09:02

Unsolicited advice comes with posting on an internet forum. All the unmarried single mothers ignorant of their financial vulnerabilities get it too just by posting DP instead of DH.

The info on HPV, herpes and warts might help someone else.

Candour · 03/05/2022 09:23

IsabelaMadrigal · 02/05/2022 07:13

Should make pizza order pineapple and asparagus. Russian roulette.
Perhaps ask the pizza boy for his professional opinion.

In defense of @IsabelaMadrigal she did advise other posters to seek professional medical advice from the pizza delivery guy so I think she is being genuine and sincere about accepting unsolicited medical advice from a random waiter. I think she truly believes this sort of openness around giving unsolicited medical advice would in fact save lives and I respect that.

IsabelaMadrigal · 03/05/2022 09:36

Candour, I'm not going to share what happened to me but just so you know.
HPV causes cervical cancer
Herpes can cause birth defects and death in babies
Warts and herpes can effect people lifelong

I wasn't going to post anymore, but if you could direct your jokes bearing in mind any one of those could have happened to me that would be great.

Candour · 03/05/2022 09:47

IsabelaMadrigal · 03/05/2022 09:36

Candour, I'm not going to share what happened to me but just so you know.
HPV causes cervical cancer
Herpes can cause birth defects and death in babies
Warts and herpes can effect people lifelong

I wasn't going to post anymore, but if you could direct your jokes bearing in mind any one of those could have happened to me that would be great.

Apologies. It wasn’t a joke. I do believe in a more open honest dialogue in all areas of life.

Candour · 03/05/2022 09:59

So sorry @IsabelaMadrigal i just realized what you said about the pizza guys professional opinion was making fun of other posters. I’m mortified. I didn’t realize this. I understand now why you are offended. I’m so sorry. I’m disgusted in myself for causing you any offence.

IsabelaMadrigal · 03/05/2022 10:04

No worries Candour, I'm finding this conversation very difficult as genuinely it's obviously something that effected me and I would've given anything to be given all the facts so I could make informed choices.
I realise I'm getting defensive, but it's quite a raw grief.
Sorry to derail op.
Bowing out now.

Candour · 03/05/2022 10:07

Me too it’s too long now to comprehend and I’m getting confused and upsetting people is the last thing I want to do.