Comment after oral sex (this may be TMI for some ppl)

[Limebazil]

I am seeing a guy the last few weeks we are both early 30s. He seems like a nice guy, and things were going great. Last night we slept together for the first time, it was great he was very generous in bed but after he had gone down on me he said "I think you should drink more water you taste kind of strong". This was really hurtful to me, I'm sure he didn't mean it to be hurtful and maybe I'm overly sensitive but why would you say that when it is widely known that women/ girls are paranoid about how they look/ smell/ taste down there. He's not a gynaecologist so the health advice was not appreciated. He could see he had upset me and tried to back track saying "he didn't mean it like that" and "I'm crazy about you the last thing I want to do is offend you I was just trying to help" but now I'm just seeing it as a red flag. AIBU?

I'm glad you've finally accepted that we are correct to call out dangerous misogyny I'd never heard of the term "dick pandering" before this thread but I think it's a pretty appropriate term given the comments they are referring to. Those that pander to men at all costs, victim blame, call women liars, insult their bodies, tell women to change themselves to suit a man, tell women to ignore their instincts, ignore lies and forgive men for abuse because its the woman's fault. Maybe it's not the most polite word but given the comments they are referring to I think it's very apt.

Please, stop with the derogatory name calling. We really should show more respect to each other.

I also did not agree I just said I accepted your point of view. I think this again highlights very manipulative behaviour on your part.

Also implying that ‘Dick Pandering’ doesn’t also relate to men is very narrow minded.

Firstly the OP in this case is female and the misogynistic comments calling her a liar and defending the guy who abused her those comments were directed at her so considering I only heard the term dick pandering in relation to those comments I can only comment on that. I think it's important to call out people who treat victims this way, you disagree that's fine.

I have not called you one name yet you have called me manipulative, abhorrent, disgusting all just because I will not accept those who treat victims as the villain. This is surprising considering your main bug bear is "name calling" I'm sorry but I will NEVER stop calling out misogyny and I will never stop calling out those who pander to men all at the expense of female victims.

I agree misogyny is not acceptable and if I felt it was truly appropriate I would challenge it too. As I have done so in this thread by challenging you. Thanks for proving my point so eloquently by distorting my words…..yet again.

@Candour you do seem to do a lot of name calling for someone who hates name calling so much 😂
I agree with @Rainbowcrochet I cannot see any example on this thread where someone was called a misogynst unjustly. There have been some horrifically misogynistic comments and it's actually very heartening to see those people being called out.

Calling somebody a ‘Dick Panderer’ is name calling. Saying that a certain behaviour is abhorrent, disgusting or manipulative is very different. IMO that is. I do respect your point though and I will reflect on this in the future. Thank you.

I've read all of OPs posts: how refreshing to read a thread on mumsnet where the OP sees the big red flags waving and ends the relationship immediately. Well done OP. He sounds like an absolute gas lighting and negging bell end, you sound very confident and with healthy boundaries.

What is worrying is what would have happened if he said it to someone who was maybe less secure about their body. I've read the first few pages, and women were defending this guy and saying drink more water! Don't ever accept a man commenting on your body like that, never mind when it's straight after sex for the first time! Men who act like they know our bodies better than we do give me the rage!

Can you stop your little cat fight because it’s ruining the thread and filling it with previous quotes

@Rainbowcrochet Can you please copy and highlight anything that I have said which is misogynistic and dickpandering. I do feel that as the OP's thread has been virtually hijacked over this, that I deserve a right of reply. Unfortunately I can't just reply to them myself as I don't believe that I have been either misogynistic or dickpandering.

Ffs your language 'abhorrent' to describe other people is unpleasant and judgemental. Just because you've used adjectives instead of nouns doesn't make you any better than the people youre criticising. Ironically. Oh and you don't deserve anything.

I apologise if I have offended you and I respect you feel strongly about this. I do find women who call other women ‘derogatory terms’ like ‘Dick Panderers’ abhorrent and IMO this is a form of misogyny in itself. I accept your point of view and thank you for your opinion. I’m not sure why you said I ‘ don’t deserve anything’ is aimed at the correct person though as I have never expressed that I deserve anything from anyone?

To be fair though, and this applies not only here, but also in general, but words used to describe the extreme have been so misused and over used to the point where they no longer have any real meaning. Hell, take the word "shocked" for instance. The number of people who are "shocked" over rather mundane things...one has to wonder what words they would use were they confronted with something that was actually shocking.

@TheLadyofShalott1 I'm so glad you asked.

"I don't actually think he was trying to gas light you, I think that his reaction to your reaction at his comment, was unfortunately one that many inadequate males will have when they think they are in trouble for something They backtrack, they lie (hopefully not too seriously, as they are usually easily caught out in their lies), and yes, I do believe that some of them have this internal defense mechanism that makes them actually forget that their misdemeanor ever happened at all! Because I believe the above to be such a wide spread adult male failure, I think we need to come to our personal conclusions about whether we can accept their childish behaviour on odd occasions"

what you are saying here is that his reaction (denying her reality by lieing about it ever happening, minimising her feelings, continuing to contact her in various ways after she blocked him) should be accepted because men are just silly little boys and should be held to a lesser standard than women and we just forgive their apalling behavior. This is text book dick pandering and misogyny.

Then there was the old doozy "As for his last email - IF it was actually from him" - you are inferring here that he didn't send the email or that the OP is lieing about it - this is another example of dick pandering it couldn't possibly be the case a man became abusive when rejected so the OP must be lieing.

Use your instincts op. If he didn’t realise it would upset you and can be a bit daft then maybe let him off, but if you think it was a bit deeper and meaner then trust your instincts.

I also had no idea drinking water affected that area.

I think I would be really embarrassed but glad to know later on.

"I think that is just his reaction to your reaction" this is* *placing the blame of his apalling reaction squarely on the OP. You are saying that she is to blame for ending the relationship and his reaction is justified.

I’ve read all your posts now. Yep, gaslighting! Glad you got rid.

Having read the update, I think he should drink more bleach. He sounds kind of weak.

Geezo, OP. What a creep. I'm glad you backed out quickly. I don't want to worry you, but please do be a little cautious going forward - can your friends stay a little longer?

All these embedded quotations are becoming a pain in me hole!

Well done, OP, for acting on your instincts. His email was truly deranged. A very, very unpleasant lad.

I would have felt exactly as you did when he said what he did. I would never have felt comfortable with him sexually after that, so pursuing things would be pointless.

Hope you are feeling okay.

OP you were spot on ditching him. He turned out to be a complete prick! Good riddance. IsabelaMadrigal your post is so unwarranted and rude! The OP had already disclosed she had been to a sexual health clinic and she did not want further unsolicited health advice. Shocking passive aggressive way for you to shame OP about her choice to have unprotected sex. Her body. Her choice.

It wasn't meant as a criticism. It was information. I absolutely did not judge and would not, however, I do think it is useful for women to know that HPV isn't screened for as I know women that sadly picked up the cancer causing type after having a 'full sexual health screen'. So it is something worth considering when with a new partner as many women aren't aware of it. Depending on her age and whether she's lucky enough to have had the HPV jab will make it more or less relevant.
I also assume the op took it in the spirit it was intended as she is a feisty one(which I love) and has no problem confronting the misogyny on the thread.

What a tosspot. You definitely had a lucky escape, OP!