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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scared my partner will be taken from me

362 replies

Derrymare · 29/04/2022 21:46

Please don't judge me but I have been in a relationship for 6 years with a Pakistani national he has been in the country 10 years.
We have lived together 5 years and we are very close. He supports me emotionally as I suffer from depression adhd etc I can't imagine life without him.
The homeoffice refused him any kind of stay and its going to appeal but I'm so worried that the judge will refuse.
We was refused because they say our relationship didn't start at least 2 years before he seeked asylum and that he hasn't been in the UK 20 continuous years.
We don't have any children to help our case and I don't meet the financial requirements.

OP posts:
PuffItsGone · 30/04/2022 09:44

CJsGoldfish · 30/04/2022 01:51

To be honest I don't feel I will be able to carry on without him

THIS is what you need to be most concerned about. It doesn't sound like he fits the criteria and you sound like an easy mark tbh. But either way, you should not be SO dependant on him that you can't go on if he's not around.
Even if this is a genuine relationship, you being dependant on him should not be a reason to grant asylum.
I guess that your options are to seek help for yourself or be prepared to move with him.

I agree with this. There’s alarm bells for me

AlternativePerspective · 30/04/2022 09:45

As someone with an Asian husband I am offended and sickened by your racism and ignorance. Let me guess, if OPs partner was say, a white Australian, you'd not think this was a scam, but because he's a brown Asian man you assume he MUST be a scammer?? Disgusting. God forbid an Asian man and British woman be in a healthy and respectful and loving relationship. Obviously impossible as all Asian men are scammers and can't be trusted.

Rubbish. The man came over here illegally because he’d had a falling out with his family.

He stayed with friends for 4 years without trying to gain reidence in the country, he has then entered a relationship with the OP, omitted to tell her that he was an illegal immigrant until the relationship had become established.

Then tried to claim asylum after 4 years on the basis he’d had a falling out with his family, in a country where asylum doesn’t apply.

And now he’s got the OP totally reliant on him even though she has carried him for the past 5 years.

I don’t give a shit where he’s from. He’s here illegally and has knowingly been here illegally for the past 10 years, and is taking advantage of his vulnerable partner.

He sounds like bad news.

Being Asian has absolutely nothing to do with that.

LIZS · 30/04/2022 09:46

Derrymare · 30/04/2022 09:43

I am suffering with my mental health so much atm and its not easy for him to deal with me so I don't think he would have stuck with me if he didn't care.

But if it was his only way to remain legally in UK he might.

Onwards22 · 30/04/2022 09:57

How do you get your money?

What does he work as?

Obviously try everything to keep him here but worst comes to worse you could both move over there and then once you’re married for a certain amount of time then I believe he can come and live here legally.

It may be that he needs to leave and then think of a way to come back - by applying for a work permit or educational reasons or something.

Start learning the language as it will come in handy anyway for meeting his family and friends even if you just visit there.

skix · 30/04/2022 09:59

Oh OP Flowers

The more you post, the more I worry that you're his meal ticket and he's manipulated you into needing him. He's lived off you for five years and all he's had to do is to be nice to you in return.

I'd wager that your issues aren't as bad as you think they are for a partner to deal with either, and that you mostly internalise things.

Ask him what he'd think about the two of you returning there together, see what he says.

Onwards22 · 30/04/2022 10:01

I agree with PPs that you being concerned you can’t cope without him because you depend on him so much is not ok and nothing healthy.

We should be in a relationship because we want to be - not because we have to be.

It seems you both have a very codependent relationship - he needs somewhere to live and you need a carer.

ilovebrie8 · 30/04/2022 10:01

Hi OP this doesn’t seem like a healthy situation. What does he do for work or bringing in money to live on? He doesn’t fit the criteria and highly likely cannot stay. I do hope it’s all genuine if you have been supporting him....you need support around you. The facts are the facts he’s here illegally and that won’t go in his favour. You need to face facts ...do you work?

ilovebrie8 · 30/04/2022 10:04

Don’t waste money on appeals this won’t be allowed ...he’s not been honest...sad but true ...you need to think of yourself OP.

AlternativePerspective · 30/04/2022 10:05

OP said he doesn’t work and that she’s been supporting him financially.

TBH it’s a really bad idea for OP to travel to a foreign country where she doesn’t speak the language when she is so vulnerable and potentially in a position where the man she is travelling with has made her so incredibly reliant on him.

This isn’t the same as PP who was married with two children and had to fight to get her husband back into the country. This man was already illegal here, and marrying him would be a disaster as it would give him entitlement to the OP’s assets.

This relationship has so many red flags that it’s practically bunting.

I actually think it would be a good idea for this man to be sent back to Pakistan, if the relationship persists then, and only then, could the OP make plans to join him there. But I suspect that some time on her own will make her realise that actually she can cope without him and has been manipulated into being reliant on him.

ilovebrie8 · 30/04/2022 10:10

This is not an asylum case he’s not fleeing for his life he’d a family tiff. You need to focus on you OP and as another poster just said let him go back and see what’s what then ...I think you may then see things very differently.

Kennykenkencat · 30/04/2022 10:12

Derrymare · 30/04/2022 09:04

Has for my mental health there has always been problems from childhood but it's got worse. I have had depression for years and meds have recently been increased. I have recently been diagnosed with adhd so waiting on meds for that. My partner has given me a sense of purpose in trying to help him.

I suspect if you have had “depression” since childhood then it is even more of a possibility that what you have is just ADHD and whilst the anti depressants might work a little, it won’t matter that you take the strongest anti depressants on the market you will still feel depressed because you don’t actually have depression, you have ADHD

So many women especially get diagnosed with depression, as ADHD in girls and women presents differently to Adhd in boys and men. They get prescribed and take anti depressants for years but they don’t work as they should because they are not depressed. They have adhd

How long before you get your meds for ADHD? I went through the NHS and mine were prescribed at the end of the one hour consultation. However I am now on the top amount of Elvanse 70mg and top ups with dexamphetamine throughout the day and apart from a couple of hours every 6-8 weeks when the noise stops and I can think clearly the only effects it has on me is I can stay awake during the day and I have lost weight. I have been looking to see why I don’t get the full effect of the meds and have come to the conclusion I have gone through the menopause and the lack of a certain hormone means the meds aren’t as affective as they should be.

I can understand why if you have ADHD you have become so reliant on this guy

Someone who it NT won’t understand what it is like living with a brain where you have constant noise in your head (I don’t even notice the noise until those few hours every couple of months when I notice the real quiet and my thinking becomes more organised. If I was to describe my brain normally I would say it is like thinking through thick treacle) It is all so very exhausting

Undecicive · 30/04/2022 10:15

So you met, after a couple of months he admitted he's here illegally, then on the advise of an immigration solicitor you took him into your home. I'm sorry OP, but you need to be very careful here, I'm sure you've been had.

Kennykenkencat · 30/04/2022 10:17

I should say thinking through thick treacle and having 10,000 radios playing at full blast in your head.

The noise has been there for so long I sort of don’t hear it but the effects are still there

lunar1 · 30/04/2022 10:19

My husband moved from India on a highly skilled migrant visa a few years before I met him. He was almost deported because the home office made a mistake on his renewal.

I know it's a very different situation, but he went to our local MP who intervened on his behalf. Could you make an appointment with yours to see if anything can be done.

Midlifemusings · 30/04/2022 10:20

Your relationship sounds genuine however you are both highly dependent on the other. It isn't really healthy in many ways despite the fact that it currently meets your need for emotional support and his need for financial support.

Unfortunately love and support is not a reason to be allowed to stay in a country. He is here illegally and has been for the better part of ten years.

I am sorry for your situation. You really need to engage with your mental health team to support you through this.

Original poster
Derrymare · 30/04/2022 10:20

It's true that I am his only hope but I also know he intends to stay with me if he gets a visa I'm trusting my gut instinct if I turn out to be wrong it would a complete and utter shock I just can't see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Derrymare · 30/04/2022 10:26

He tells me he just wants to work and pay his way and do something for me as well to be able to visit his country again and take me with him and come back to our life here.
He suffers badly with stress due to his situation and now we have come too far for me to turn away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Derrymare · 30/04/2022 10:29

I spoke to a mp some time ago and found her a bit patronising I think she looked down on us tbh.

OP posts:
tootiredtoocare · 30/04/2022 10:31

@TheOccupier Getting married now wouldn't help. Neither would having a baby. It would be seen for what it is, an attempt to strengthen his claim.

DressingPafe · 30/04/2022 10:31

Everyone who is advising the OP to marry him, it won't make a jot of difference. Being married doesn't give him any more right to stay than what he has now. The pp who can't get her husband of 13 years here is an example of that. Marriage counts for nothing with the home office. They will just tell her to move to Pakistan with him.

I supplied ample proof of my DCs additional needs as to why I couldn't move to India. They wrote back "we have social services in the UK that can assist your DC". I was astounded. Apparently I could just "FaceTime" them instead of seeing them.

OP I have a lot of sympathy for you because I know exactly what it's like. I've been there. Maybe you are too reliant on him. But knowing your partner could be taken from you at any time is really stressful and emotional. Untimely my choice was between my DC and partner. So of course I chose my DC. I couldn't do anything else. But it's still heartbreaking.

Kennykenkencat · 30/04/2022 10:34

Also Derrymare be very very careful

My friend was married to someone who was in similar circumstances to you.
After marrying and having children he was still not granted indefinite leave to remain
She then had an “accident” caused by her Dh which meant she had to have a carer

Only when she came to divorce him for DV financial abuse etc and was going through old paperwork of his visa applications did she find that there is a clause in the rules which state that if the sponsor doesn’t earn the required amount then that would mean the visa application would be denied. However if the sponsor was disabled and the applicant was their carer then the minimum earnings rule wouldn’t apply

It was then it crossed her mind he had deliberately injured her so badly in order to get a visa and the accident was not an accident.

AlternativePerspective · 30/04/2022 10:37

Erm, he wants to go back and visit his own country?

Surely if he’s seeking asylum here his life is at risk in his own country and he wouldn’t want to be going back?

Testina · 30/04/2022 10:40

Whether this is genuine (from his side, clearly it is from yours) or not, the best action you can take now for you is to put your energy into become emotionally and practically self sufficient yourself, not into his claim - let him worry about that

  • if he’s deported, you need to be self sufficient
  • if he’s not genuine, you need to be self sufficient
  • if he’s successful and genuine, your relationship will be better if you’re self sufficient
You can’t blame people for raising an eyebrow at the convenience of someone who is here illegally and claiming asylum with no reason, falling for a British citizen and moving in with (and being supported by them) within a year.
Original poster
Derrymare · 30/04/2022 10:41

It was a homeoffice official that told him to claim asylum to avoid been deported if he wanted to remain with me.

OP posts:
KnitPurlKnitPurl · 30/04/2022 10:41

this isn't a healthy relationship dynamic, is it OP? You are totally dependent on this person and the uncertainty is what is seriously affecting your mental health.

He's not a failed asylum seeker - he's an overstayer who then applied for asylum to spin the process out. He has come to the end of the road and yes will probably be deported. I am not an immigration expert but in those situations I ddon't think marriage would even make a difference. He'd have to return to his own country, marry you there, and then apply to return as a spouse. And even that isn't guaranteed.

I think you need to focus more on getting support for your own mental health OP rather than pinning all your hopes on this man being allowed to stay. Plan for the worst case scenario and if that doesn't happen, then all well and good.