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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Scared my partner will be taken from me

362 replies

Derrymare · 29/04/2022 21:46

Please don't judge me but I have been in a relationship for 6 years with a Pakistani national he has been in the country 10 years.
We have lived together 5 years and we are very close. He supports me emotionally as I suffer from depression adhd etc I can't imagine life without him.
The homeoffice refused him any kind of stay and its going to appeal but I'm so worried that the judge will refuse.
We was refused because they say our relationship didn't start at least 2 years before he seeked asylum and that he hasn't been in the UK 20 continuous years.
We don't have any children to help our case and I don't meet the financial requirements.

OP posts:
JanisMoplin · 01/05/2022 09:34

Some of us other S Asians also studied hard all our lives- am talking 16 hours a day so we could get into super competitive unis-chose professions in demand ( not necessarily the ones that we were passionate about) then worked our way up the ladder and paid huge sums of money to enter the UK and escape the corruption and low wages of our homelands. Legally. Not taking away spaces from genuine asylum seekers like those from Syria, the Ukraine, Afghanistan and other war zones. We are good people too.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you knowingly entered into a relationship with a criminal who is abusing the system and draining you dry. I think the most practical option might be for you both to try for visas for a third country. The UAE might be an option if you have skills. But I think you don't want to hear this and would prefer to continue talking about non-existent human rights.

Cosmos123 · 01/05/2022 09:35

And meet immigration requirements.

JanisMoplin · 01/05/2022 09:36

That too!

Cosmos123 · 01/05/2022 09:40

Get a job that pays 18k.
This meets financial requirements.

Is there a chance once he has British citizenship he will make a run.

Sorry to sound negative but I have seen this happen SO MANY times.

The loyal supportive partner then wants to marry a woman who is from his own country and that his family will be happy with.
You sound vulnerable and needy.
The exact target for those with wrong intentions.

LIZS · 01/05/2022 09:40

Cosmos123 · 01/05/2022 09:34

Could you not try to find a job.
I believe an income of 18k is required to be enough to support him.

Op does work but is limited in capacity to do so. Probably being involved with an illegal immigrant on whom she feels dependent is not helping her mh or working situation. If she is the poster who had a previous thread he has expensive hobbies which she also funds and has gone away for periods of time.

Cosmos123 · 01/05/2022 09:41

Tell him you want to move and live in Pakistan.

Cosmos123 · 01/05/2022 09:43

LIZS · 01/05/2022 09:40

Op does work but is limited in capacity to do so. Probably being involved with an illegal immigrant on whom she feels dependent is not helping her mh or working situation. If she is the poster who had a previous thread he has expensive hobbies which she also funds and has gone away for periods of time.

Show quote history

He has expensive hobbies and goes away for a long period of times?

Trust me on this.

The plan is to get British citizenship and then marry a woman from his own country to whom his family will approve.

Your MH probably don't want to hear this but is the truth.

savoycabbage · 01/05/2022 09:46

Thanks @mangoallergy Flowers

Yes, that's pretty much what we did although I think it was £63,000. Further complicated of course by the fact we weren't actually here in the uk at the time.

Justkeeppedaling · 01/05/2022 10:24

Derrymare · 30/04/2022 20:40

newbiename
There is no way in this world I will go to Pakistsn it's a unfair country my health will suffer out there there is no welfare system nothing for poor people and I am very heat intolerant.

So you'd prefer for him to live illegally in the U.K. while you continue to support him?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/05/2022 10:28

Just because you want something doesn’t mean you get it if a countries rules and regulations say no

We could have done with that in bold at the top of the thread

As for being appalled at posters' replies, Derrymare, what did you expect people to say - that the immigration people are horrible, and should roll over because this is so obviously true luurrve?
It wasn't going to happen; everyone's worried for YOU, knowing perfectly well that the Home Office have heard it all before and that lying and insisting he's "learnt his lesson" (without any evidence) isn't the way to persuade them

DressingPafe · 01/05/2022 10:31

I won't comment on what the OP and her partner are doing but everyone is assuming she's funding him.

The reality is that most people here illegally will find a way to work. It might not be legal but it doesn't mean people aren't doing it. Legal advice, appeals etc are very expensive, let alone general living costs. It's not like you can get any legal aid in that scenario. There is "off the books" work to be found if you're determined.

As I say, I won't make assumptions as to what the OP is doing, but equally don't assume she's paying for it all.

SinaraSmith · 01/05/2022 10:39

DressingPafe · 01/05/2022 10:31

I won't comment on what the OP and her partner are doing but everyone is assuming she's funding him.

The reality is that most people here illegally will find a way to work. It might not be legal but it doesn't mean people aren't doing it. Legal advice, appeals etc are very expensive, let alone general living costs. It's not like you can get any legal aid in that scenario. There is "off the books" work to be found if you're determined.

As I say, I won't make assumptions as to what the OP is doing, but equally don't assume she's paying for it all.

We can only go by what op said herself

Before he met me he lived with friends and they provided him accommodation in exchange for him cooking and cleaning.
He has lived with me for 5 years and been supported by me.

Maybe op is lying about supporting him, but we can only go on what she has said. That the man who didn’t know anyone here and didn’t speak English and was abandoned at the airport managed to make friends who paid his way. Then he met her and she now pays his way.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/05/2022 10:43

Everyone is assuming she's funding him ... the reality is that most people here illegally will find a way to work. It might not be legal but it doesn't mean people aren't doing it

This can be true (though I'm not sure about "most") but on the subject of not assuming, let's not assume either that OP would see any of the money if he was working
After all, on OP's own account the guy's quite happy to lie when it suits

Maybebabyno2 · 01/05/2022 10:51

Derrymare · 30/04/2022 15:52

So is my solicitor telling lies when he says we have a good chance.

Sorry op but yes, he probably is.

I know a lady who is married to a man from India who overstayed his visa illegally. The solicitor told them getting married would help, it didn't. The solicitor told them getting family and friends to support their relationship I'm court would help, it didn't. He was deported and now it is even harder to get him back. She has been told she should move over there.

She is on her last appeal option, the solicitor has said again that they have a good chance but I highly doubt he will be allowed to return.

I wish you luck OP whatever the outcome but I think you need to be realistic and plan for what you will do if he isn't allowed to stay.

Original poster
Derrymare · 01/05/2022 10:58

I am prepared what will be will be

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 01/05/2022 10:59

When does he find out?

AChocolateOrangeaday · 01/05/2022 11:32

@DressingPafe The OP has clearly stated that she is funding him.

This presumably means that she is also funding his legal costs, but like you, I agree that it is wrong to make assumptions.

I have asked the OP but she has refused to answer, along with how she met him and how he managed for the 4 years prior to meeting him.

This is why pps are very concerned that a vulnerable person is being seriously taken advantage of.

AlternativePerspective · 01/05/2022 16:23

DressingPafe · 01/05/2022 10:31

I won't comment on what the OP and her partner are doing but everyone is assuming she's funding him.

The reality is that most people here illegally will find a way to work. It might not be legal but it doesn't mean people aren't doing it. Legal advice, appeals etc are very expensive, let alone general living costs. It's not like you can get any legal aid in that scenario. There is "off the books" work to be found if you're determined.

As I say, I won't make assumptions as to what the OP is doing, but equally don't assume she's paying for it all.

The OP said she is funding him. She also said that he wants to be able to work but isn’t.

Original poster
Derrymare · 01/05/2022 22:07

Whilst I agree that the case is very weak I don't agree he is using me.

OP posts:
QuillBill · 01/05/2022 22:45

We can't tell if it matters if he's using you to stay in the UK or not as we still don't know what visa he wants or what the grounds for appeal are.

Your relationship and the authenticity of that relationship might be completely irrelevant.

Changechangychange · 01/05/2022 23:05

JanisMoplin · 01/05/2022 09:34

Some of us other S Asians also studied hard all our lives- am talking 16 hours a day so we could get into super competitive unis-chose professions in demand ( not necessarily the ones that we were passionate about) then worked our way up the ladder and paid huge sums of money to enter the UK and escape the corruption and low wages of our homelands. Legally. Not taking away spaces from genuine asylum seekers like those from Syria, the Ukraine, Afghanistan and other war zones. We are good people too.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you knowingly entered into a relationship with a criminal who is abusing the system and draining you dry. I think the most practical option might be for you both to try for visas for a third country. The UAE might be an option if you have skills. But I think you don't want to hear this and would prefer to continue talking about non-existent human rights.

Both of those options (moving to Pakistan, or moving to a third country) would involve this waster getting a job…. Seems unlikely to happen when OP is happy to support him and his “expensive hobbies”.

What I suspect will happen is he’ll disappear when it becomes clear he isn’t going to win his appeal, keep his head down and hope immigration don’t catch up with him, and find another mug to leach off.

KnitPurlKnitPurl · 01/05/2022 23:27

Look, nobody here knows the dynamics of the OP's relationship with this guy. It might be all sweetness and light, it might be something else entirely. And I'm not sure it's that relevant.

What we're all trying to say OP is that this bloke's case for staying in the UK is weak. Your chances of your "happy ever after" are very slim. It's clear you are not in a good place with your mental health and very dependent on this guy, you have no Plan B for when/if he gets sent back home. Which is a worry.

Cansheblockitin · 05/09/2022 10:31

How are you @Derrymare

Original poster
Derrymare · 05/09/2022 11:42

Cans I'm fine all is good my dp has settled in a job and we are very happy together.

OP posts:
Yoyooo · 27/09/2022 20:50

What job has he got @Derrymare? Does he have permission to live in the UK now?

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