AIBU? If so then this world makes zero sense to me

[Namechangeonemillion]

So DH just stomped off in a huff. My crime? Saying that if when he goes away with his old UnI friends he wants to take drugs, he can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off.

Context is, he used to take recreational drugs back in the day. Now doesn’t, but his old Uni friends still do when they have time away from kids. There is a reunion coming up. He’s staying away for the weekend. I’m am very happy for him to do so and to do whatever he likes.

I dabbled a little at Uni with weed but grew up with an alcoholic who was from a long line of alcoholics so decided I wouldn’t get into the habit as I can get addicted to stuff easily. Each to their own though.

Roll on to our 40s. Married with DC. I don’t even drink because it makes me irritable and difficult to be around the next day. I don’t want to inflict that on them. If I don’t have parenting responsibilities the next day and can just chill then I might have one or two drinks. DH drinks a little but not often and no longer takes drugs.

In conversation he said Uni friends might want to take drugs at reunion- fine. Their choice. I asked him if he might. Again - his choice. He can do what he likes I was just curious as he did a few years ago when he went away with them but then said he regretted it as it made him feel so rough. He said he likes the idea but not keen on the three day come down. Having lived with students on MDMA come downs and an alcoholic father, I’m not really keen on the idea of having to spend 3 days with someone who is grumpy and moody, so I said in a lighthearted way ‘I don’t fancy it either so if you do, you can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off’. Laughing and smiling. Not at all cross or judgy. Honestly was quite a breezy conversation.

He got really upset. He says that’s unloving. He’s hurt. I tried to explain that a) this is all hypothetical and b) tables turned I’d rather stay in a hotel than inflict my bad mood on him and DC.

He is totally upset by it. Like really hurt and upset. Says his Uni friends don’t mind looking after each other on a come down (but both partners do drugs in their case).

I’m completely baffled. Feel like I’m in some weird alternative reality. I’m peri so do loose reality a bit sometimes. Please give me a reality check.

It’s not even that he wants to and I’m saying ‘no’. It’s not at all that. He’s upset that I would want him to stay away until the hypothetical come down wears off. He thinks it would be more loving to offer him warmth and care during the come down.

Am I losing the plot or is that totally off the scale batshit?

Sounds batshit to me. If I wanted to go off doing drugs I'd jump at the chance of a partner who'd willingly take on the burden of dc and let me chill out in a hotel room with zero responsibility during the come down! I've never done drugs like that though so no clue what he's thinking - was he expecting that you'd wait on him hand and foot or something?

It’s called ‘being a grown up’.

Bloody hell - YANBU at all. You've been more accepting already than most partners would, I think. He's being a spoilt brat.

He is ridiculous.

Warmth and care during a self-induced come down! Takes the piss a bit, doesn't it!!

I can't see you've done anything wrong here at all. Apart from maybe overestimating how long it might take. In my very limited experience there was no 3 day come down (or any at all really, just...wore off).

I'd think he needs new friends who are more sensible and grown up.

Yanbu at all. What his friends do, who have chosen this lifestyle do, is up to them. I wouldn’t be looking after someone coming down off drugs.

in all honesty, if dp was going away and planned a weekend of drug taking, I would tell him not to come back at all. Can’t be doing with that shit or living with someone who does

He wants you to look after him I guess for something self inflicted
he’s totally unreasonable unless you typically are not very caring or empathetic when he’s unwell / struggling in any emotional capacity. Then I can see why it may come out like this, even though he’s still wrong.

perhaps he’s looking at the uni friends relationship, taking drugs, looking after each other, and then your relationship where you want him to go away (reasonably so) and the grass is looking a bit greener. Even though he will be ignoring issues in their relationship.

Drug taking would be a deal breaker for me. Oh daddy's at a hotel while he flushes illegal drugs out of his system. Fuck that.

You're not being unreasonable. In fact my friend has a similar deal with her partner if he wants to do drugs when he hangs out with a particular set of friends.

The "But everyone else is allowed do it" attitude sounds like a 10 year old!!

What a knob! I would be put off if he was using drugs anyway but the fact he’s thinking you should want him around when he’s coming down off drugs and look after him is mad.

I would have said exactly the same as you. IMO 40 is far too old to be taking
MDMA, when you're at uni and have no responsibilities fine, but I can't imagine it would be the same experience now - my experience recovering from anything in your 40s is much harder than in early 20s. I think he needs to grow up a bit, of course you can't spend 3 days looking after him.

This!

I mean jesus, bad enough when they were kids, but as an grown-up’s.
Sad.

If my husband did any sort of drugs, he'd no longer be my husband.

It's not often I say that on here. When everyone else is telling a woman to leave their husband, I'm telling everyone else they're being ridiculous, but drugs is a step too far for me.

The fact that you're condoning it makes you almost as bad tbh.

Thank you so much all. That’s what I thought but he’s so upset I was beginning to think I’d totally lost the plot.

Although he’s now saying that he would look after me in that circumstance and that it’s the imbalance that hurts. He’s tolerant of that kind of thing and didn’t grow up around addiction so I explained that we have different levels of tolerance with this.

I do look after him when he’s I’ll. covid - took him fresh fruit, tea, water, etc. totally anticipated his needs and met them. When I had it he tried but would come in and ask if I needed anything, I’d say water and he’d forget and bring it half an hour later. I was so relieved when I could get it for myself again.

our marriage is looking like it’s on thin ice to be honest. I’m tired. An adult is exactly what I need and if I can’t have an adult I’d rather do it alone.

Hallyup89

not condoning it. I wish drugs, alcohol, nicotine and toxic food didn’t exist so that we all were able to be at our peak health. But that’s not reality. The reality is people do take drugs. That’s their choice. I can’t stop them. I’m not going to tell him he can’t. He’s an adult. If he does decide it will put me off him TBH. He probably won’t though, which is the really bloody crazy thing here. It’s all hypothetical.

Although he’s now saying that he would look after me in that circumstance and that it’s the imbalance that hurts.

He’s only saying this because he thinks it makes him look good and because he knows this situation would never arise, as evinced by his poor care of you when you had Covid.

He has got used to you taking kid care of him but him not reciprocating, and you setting a boundary has shocked and angered him, not hurt.

Why is a father in his 40s wanting to take drugs with old uni friends just because that's what they did 20 ish years ago? There's absolutely no need for this.

Tell him to grow the fuck up.

Hands off my toxic food!

The weird one for me is the expectation of being taken care of during his hypothetical come down. If my husband were severely hungover, I would probably bring him cups of tea, and keep the kids out of his way (whilst huffing and rolling my eyes). Everyone miscalculates once in a while. But, if he were to go out and get hammered with the expectation that I would do this...that's a bit different.

OP I have similar views to you on this, in part because I struggle so much with the acceptance of alcohol (alcoholic parents) compared to other drugs that are illegal but in my view less harmful..
I would tolerate OH at home, but ONLY because he wouldnt make it my problem at all, I know if he was recovering after a big night he'd be apologetic and make as much effort as possible and would probably just want an extra hug or two (which suits me!) Also we don't have young kids at home.

The attitude your DH has, that you owe it to care for him on self imposed 'illness' as well as doing so when you've got kids at home to care for, is what makes it a deal-breaker for me.

There's a massive difference between a light-hearted "I don't fancy it either" and a serious "fuck that dangerous bullshit, how dare you do that to me and the kids?"

Yes, people are responsible for themselves and no, you can't stop them, but the way you react can potentially be the deal-breaker for them.

Squiff70

Those words do pop into my head in a regular basis.

The thing is though, the last time he did (before DC) he said he wished he hadn’t because it took him 3 days to get back to normal. Chances are he won’t again. That’s why I’m so baffled. This is all hypothetical and unlikely to happen. So why the big hoo ha?

Tell him to stop snivelling and have a think what a loser in his 40’s trying to recreate his youth looks like

This 100%. Some people are just takers and when you stop giving they get angry and turn it around onto you so that you feel guilty and start giving again.

Did you have to care for him those 3 days or was he alone?