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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? If so then this world makes zero sense to me

158 replies

Namechangeonemillion · 29/04/2022 11:20

So DH just stomped off in a huff. My crime? Saying that if when he goes away with his old UnI friends he wants to take drugs, he can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off.

Context is, he used to take recreational drugs back in the day. Now doesn’t, but his old Uni friends still do when they have time away from kids. There is a reunion coming up. He’s staying away for the weekend. I’m am very happy for him to do so and to do whatever he likes.

I dabbled a little at Uni with weed but grew up with an alcoholic who was from a long line of alcoholics so decided I wouldn’t get into the habit as I can get addicted to stuff easily. Each to their own though.

Roll on to our 40s. Married with DC. I don’t even drink because it makes me irritable and difficult to be around the next day. I don’t want to inflict that on them. If I don’t have parenting responsibilities the next day and can just chill then I might have one or two drinks. DH drinks a little but not often and no longer takes drugs.

In conversation he said Uni friends might want to take drugs at reunion- fine. Their choice. I asked him if he might. Again - his choice. He can do what he likes I was just curious as he did a few years ago when he went away with them but then said he regretted it as it made him feel so rough. He said he likes the idea but not keen on the three day come down. Having lived with students on MDMA come downs and an alcoholic father, I’m not really keen on the idea of having to spend 3 days with someone who is grumpy and moody, so I said in a lighthearted way ‘I don’t fancy it either so if you do, you can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off’. Laughing and smiling. Not at all cross or judgy. Honestly was quite a breezy conversation.

He got really upset. He says that’s unloving. He’s hurt. I tried to explain that a) this is all hypothetical and b) tables turned I’d rather stay in a hotel than inflict my bad mood on him and DC.

He is totally upset by it. Like really hurt and upset. Says his Uni friends don’t mind looking after each other on a come down (but both partners do drugs in their case).

I’m completely baffled. Feel like I’m in some weird alternative reality. I’m peri so do loose reality a bit sometimes. Please give me a reality check.

It’s not even that he wants to and I’m saying ‘no’. It’s not at all that. He’s upset that I would want him to stay away until the hypothetical come down wears off. He thinks it would be more loving to offer him warmth and care during the come down.

Am I losing the plot or is that totally off the scale batshit?

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeonemillion · 29/04/2022 12:01

Hallyup89

He isn’t saying he’s going to. It was hypothetical and TBH I don’t think it would be dangerous. No more dangerous than flying, climbing etc. it’s the moodiness I wouldn’t want. I wouldn’t be worried about his safety.

But the likelihood is he wouldn’t any way which is the really crazy part of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangeonemillion · 29/04/2022 12:04

Indicatrice

Good question- think he was away a while but it was a long time ago now. I don’t remember having to look after him.

OP posts:
Notanotherwindow · 29/04/2022 12:06

He's batshit. It is totally inappropriate to have his children see him like that, not to mention unfair on you. How fucking old is he? He's a grown man with kids, I think it's a bit sad to be taking drugs like a stupid teenager. Grow up fgs.

LookItsMeAgain · 29/04/2022 12:07

Something that I thought of when I read this comment in one of your posts @Namechangeonemillion :
"Although he’s now saying that he would look after me in that circumstance and that it’s the imbalance that hurts"
While he'd be looking after you, who would be looking after the kids, if the roles were reversed?
He didn't appear to factor them in to that equation but from your posts, you're all about keeping the kids out of the eye line of someone coming down from doing drugs or being drunk from drinking alcohol. He isn't.
Also on the last time he took drugs, and it took 3 days for him to return to 'normal' Dad, does he remember that it took 3 days or was he so stoked that he can't remember and has rose tinted glasses on remembering the situation.

That is the impression I'm getting.

mum61 · 29/04/2022 12:08

@Namechangeonemillion
I don't think you are being unreasonable to say do what you like but don't bring the effects of using drugs back home to me and our child....

Fairislefandango · 29/04/2022 12:10

I think you're being more than reasonable. He sounds like a petulant, entitled twerp who needs to grow up.

BlitheRobin · 29/04/2022 12:14

He needs to grow up. He doesn't need to do it, but if he does he should accept that he can't stay in the family home for his comedown. How bloody unreasonable he thinks otherwise.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 29/04/2022 12:19

Has he got life insurance? check the small print for drug induced desth/long term damage.
if not, tell him to get some before he goes. Might wake him up to himself and remind him he has responsibilities now he's supposed to be an adult.
He's a knob.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 29/04/2022 12:22

I just want to say your proposal is very sensible. We do it. My DH has an annual event where he has to stay out late and usually gets drunk. No choice - he’s the host. I used to hate it when he got home late and drunk. A few years ago I suggested he stay at a hotel near his office after the event. Win-win!!! I don’t have to put up with him when he’s annoying, he gets a longer night’s sleep and a cooked breakfast. It strengthened our marriage! So you are totally right!

Coffeetree · 29/04/2022 12:24

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 29/04/2022 12:19

Has he got life insurance? check the small print for drug induced desth/long term damage.
if not, tell him to get some before he goes. Might wake him up to himself and remind him he has responsibilities now he's supposed to be an adult.
He's a knob.

Jesus, was just coming on here to ask about life insurance!

And does he have insurance set up to support you and kids if he's incarcerated?

But he's got you questioning yourself. Fuck that.

I wouldn't accept a husband who "no longer" except occasionally does illegal drugs. That's idiotic.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/04/2022 12:24

He’s pathetic and needs to grow the fuck up

HereWeAreAtTheEdgeOfTheWorld · 29/04/2022 12:25

I wonder whether he’s looking for an excuse not to take them if they all do… “oh I’d love to but @Namechangeonemillion says that I have to stay in a hotel for three days afterwards if I do”.

He’s being ridiculous, in any case - why would you be cosseting him for something entirely self-inflicted!

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2022 12:27

He thinks it would be more loving to offer him warmth and care during the come down.

If he’s not really intending to do it, and you feel that your marriage is ‘on thin ice’, then I’ll charitably assume this is not actually about drugs and a hypothetical comedown, but about how he feels generally unloved.

Btw, I’m definitely NOT saying you should be understanding and more loving because he sounds like a bit of a twat and I assume your marriage is on thin ice because he’s pretty self-centred…

Katesboy8 · 29/04/2022 12:30

Sounds like he's hurt because he actually planned on doing it! If he didn't, why would he care so much? Also, i'd be more concerned about the dangers and leaving you solo parenting forever. He needs to get a grip.. he isn't at uni anymore.

Coffeetree · 29/04/2022 12:33

Namechangeonemillion · 29/04/2022 12:01

Hallyup89

He isn’t saying he’s going to. It was hypothetical and TBH I don’t think it would be dangerous. No more dangerous than flying, climbing etc. it’s the moodiness I wouldn’t want. I wouldn’t be worried about his safety.

But the likelihood is he wouldn’t any way which is the really crazy part of it.

People don't get criminal records for climbing.

whynotwhatknot · 29/04/2022 12:34

What a twat warmtt and care about a comedown-id say youre being more than fair-hes meant to be an adult a father and this is whats important to him?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/04/2022 12:38

Ha ha!

I'd refuse to take this seriously for one moment, OP. My response would be very much along the lines of 'are you having a laugh?'

If he wants to come down from a self-induced high, he can do it without being 'looked after' by you. He's a grown adult, not a child.

What an incredibly weird stance to take. It's not your peri talking, OP, it's his own inability to grow up.

lemmein · 29/04/2022 12:41

I'm in my 40s - no way in this world would I take drugs now; I'd be scared incase I had a reaction to them (or an unrelated accident) and ended up looking like a sad wanker in hospital. Imagine having to tell a paramedic that you'd taken MDMA in your 40s? 🙈

I think you've been more than reasonable OP - too reasonable in-fact! No way would I be as chilled about DH deliberately doing something which would put him out of action, parenting wise, for 3 days!

MarilynValentine · 29/04/2022 12:45

YANBU.

He’s being an immature, entitled numbskull.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 29/04/2022 12:54

I’ve taken mdma countless times and never had a 3 day comedown or known anyone I was taking the drug with to have one either. I feel like you both might be being melodramatic about how bad the after effects would be; I might feel a bit sad and tired the next day after taking mdma but after some food and a proper nights sleep would be fine, much like a hangover doesn’t usually carry on into the next day.

Is he looking after himself whilst he’s on mdma and then trying to redress the effect the next day (drinking the right amount of water, eating bananas and sports drinks the next day to ensure his potassium and electrolytes are topped up etc)?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to expect him to stay away whilst on a come down if he’s going to be grumpy and irritable, but I also don’t think being grumpy and irritable for 3 days is a normal reaction to mdma; sounds more like he is a grumpy and irritable man using it as an excuse for bad behaviour.

MurielSpriggs · 29/04/2022 12:54

We are of a similar age, and take MDMA occasionally (once or twice a year). We really don't get three-day comedowns. They're quite mild if you use it little and rarely.

But I think you're being totally reasonable, and if I did have a comedown like that I'd much rather be alone with a duvet and Netflix than having to deal with the demands of spouse and kids 😁

Ohmygoshyoudontsay · 29/04/2022 12:57

The entire conversion sounds ridiculously childish and not one I'd be having.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 29/04/2022 12:58

I spent years worrying where my husband was when he went out with friends etc because he never came home when he said he was going to. In the end I said if he was going out and it was open ended he was to stay in a hotel because I was sick of the sleepless nights and then him rocking up hours later stinking of booze and curry. Worked a treat!

Daenerys77 · 29/04/2022 12:59

Do you get weekends off to go away with druggie friends while he looks after the children? Just asking, that's all.

ShadowPuppets · 29/04/2022 13:02

I’m with @MurielSpriggs and @MolkosTeenageAngst. I have young kids and haven’t taken MDMA in years, but I’m not going to lie, the idea of heading to a festival and having a once in a blue moon adventure in a few years time sounds quite fun and I wouldn’t necessarily jump on the bandwagon that once you’re past 25 or a parent you can’t ever have the odd night off and pretend you’re 18 again 😄

However, I think you’re well within your rights to want him out of the house while he’s recovering from whatever he’s been indulging in, and I’d say that if it were drugs, booze or tbh anything else that meant he wasn’t going to be pulling his weight around the place. And he sounds like he’s sulking and your updates make him sound like a bit of a twat, sorry. So for me it’d be that, rather than the drugs thing, that I’d be pissed off about, but obviously we all have our own positions on stuff like that.