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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? If so then this world makes zero sense to me

158 replies

Namechangeonemillion · 29/04/2022 11:20

So DH just stomped off in a huff. My crime? Saying that if when he goes away with his old UnI friends he wants to take drugs, he can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off.

Context is, he used to take recreational drugs back in the day. Now doesn’t, but his old Uni friends still do when they have time away from kids. There is a reunion coming up. He’s staying away for the weekend. I’m am very happy for him to do so and to do whatever he likes.

I dabbled a little at Uni with weed but grew up with an alcoholic who was from a long line of alcoholics so decided I wouldn’t get into the habit as I can get addicted to stuff easily. Each to their own though.

Roll on to our 40s. Married with DC. I don’t even drink because it makes me irritable and difficult to be around the next day. I don’t want to inflict that on them. If I don’t have parenting responsibilities the next day and can just chill then I might have one or two drinks. DH drinks a little but not often and no longer takes drugs.

In conversation he said Uni friends might want to take drugs at reunion- fine. Their choice. I asked him if he might. Again - his choice. He can do what he likes I was just curious as he did a few years ago when he went away with them but then said he regretted it as it made him feel so rough. He said he likes the idea but not keen on the three day come down. Having lived with students on MDMA come downs and an alcoholic father, I’m not really keen on the idea of having to spend 3 days with someone who is grumpy and moody, so I said in a lighthearted way ‘I don’t fancy it either so if you do, you can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off’. Laughing and smiling. Not at all cross or judgy. Honestly was quite a breezy conversation.

He got really upset. He says that’s unloving. He’s hurt. I tried to explain that a) this is all hypothetical and b) tables turned I’d rather stay in a hotel than inflict my bad mood on him and DC.

He is totally upset by it. Like really hurt and upset. Says his Uni friends don’t mind looking after each other on a come down (but both partners do drugs in their case).

I’m completely baffled. Feel like I’m in some weird alternative reality. I’m peri so do loose reality a bit sometimes. Please give me a reality check.

It’s not even that he wants to and I’m saying ‘no’. It’s not at all that. He’s upset that I would want him to stay away until the hypothetical come down wears off. He thinks it would be more loving to offer him warmth and care during the come down.

Am I losing the plot or is that totally off the scale batshit?

OP posts:

Terven · 29/04/2022 13:07

Saying he can do what he likes and that you don’t have an issue with it when you clearly do is part of the problem. I think you have to decide where you stand. How is he generally at home? Is he helpful and an equal partner and father? To me, I may be wrong here but he sounds like a person who’s used to be put first and needs reassurance. If that’s the case it’s not a person I would like to spend my future with. It’s a ver infantile behaviour.

vitahelp · 29/04/2022 13:13

You've already been very generous saying it is fine for him to take drugs whilst there and that it's up to him. The fact that he is now sulking about your stipulation that he should stay in a hotel is ridiculous.

KettrickenSmiled · 29/04/2022 13:14

He is totally upset by it. Like really hurt and upset. Says his Uni friends don’t mind looking after each other on a come down

your are not his Uni friends, & what they do about their & their own & their partners' comedowns are nothing to do with your situation
you are already taking on sole parenting for the whole weekend so he can go away - is that not enough "looking after" from you already?
you will be busy looking after the kids, who - just as much as you - are not responsible for their father's comedown, & don't need to witness it
if person doing the drugs can't manage their own intake & comedown, they are not grown up enough to take drugs. If he's not adult enough to handle himself, he's not adult enough to fuck around with drugs

Yeah - not a grown up is he? Giant manbaby. Verdict - BATSHIT.

Subbaxeo · 29/04/2022 13:18

I'd be laughing in disbelief if my dh said that to me-telling him to stay in hotel sounds sensible to me. I even hate it when he has had too much to drink, slurs his words and gets petulant so would have no patience with a huge come down. And if it’s a hypothetical situation, strange he’s getting so het up about it. And playing the you don’t care about me card is ridiculous-would put me off tbh. What’s he like when being normal?

KettrickenSmiled · 29/04/2022 13:19

Indicatrice · 29/04/2022 11:52

Although he’s now saying that he would look after me in that circumstance and that it’s the imbalance that hurts.

He’s only saying this because he thinks it makes him look good and because he knows this situation would never arise, as evinced by his poor care of you when you had Covid.

He has got used to you taking kid care of him but him not reciprocating, and you setting a boundary has shocked and angered him, not hurt.

All of this - spot on.

He's being a self-absorbed whinger. And he's not even on a come-down from his hypothetical binge yet ...

WilsonMilson · 29/04/2022 13:19

If my DH said he was off to do drugs with some old friends, I’d tell him not to bother coming back!

You’re a lot more tolerant than I am. What a silly little boy he’s being. How unattractive. His friends sound like they’ve never grown up.

Gowithme · 29/04/2022 13:24

Taking MDMA at 40 - grim. I couldn't be with a man who thought that was a good way to behave. Really who thinks that's cool past 25?? Sounds like he's a bit of a sheeple and can't say no to his uni mates who all also forgot to grow up. What are they going to do once they've taken it? Go clubbing and be old enough to be everyone else's dad? Pathetic.

I think you're being very generous OP, I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

diddl · 29/04/2022 13:28

What an arse he is.

And he patently wouldn't look after you as he didn't manage to when you needed it!

axolotlfloof · 29/04/2022 13:28

WilsonMilson · 29/04/2022 13:19

If my DH said he was off to do drugs with some old friends, I’d tell him not to bother coming back!

You’re a lot more tolerant than I am. What a silly little boy he’s being. How unattractive. His friends sound like they’ve never grown up.

This.
I would also be deeply annoyed if DH came home hammered though.
There is some things which proper grown ups don't do, imo.

TiddleyWink · 29/04/2022 13:28

The idea of a grown man, a father, not having any concept (or caring) about what the supply chain for his drugs is doing to other peoples’ kids makes me feel sick. I couldn’t respect a grown man who hasn’t grown up and developed the intelligence and social conscience not to touch drugs for that reason alone, never mind the risks to his own health. And the idea of my husband pre planning his ‘come down’ and how I’m supposed to care for him during…ick ick ick. I could never feel attracted to him again, cringing myself inside out just thinking about it.

The whole thing is grim. I’d tell him not to come back from his wannabe teenage druggy weekend.

Nowomenaroundeh · 29/04/2022 13:30

I am a reformed middle aged hedonist and I think many people would jump at the offer you made him. No judgment on his night out antics and a guiltfree self indulgent hotel break afterwards. He's ridiculous. If it doesn't work out with him, I would be delighted to set you up with any number of people.

balalake · 29/04/2022 13:30

Is your DH happy that most of the victims of drug wars are young men, in this country often young black men? He is being racist in a way and so are his friends.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 29/04/2022 13:36

If he's doing drugs he needs to stay at the hotel until he sorts out alternative permanent accommodation.

EveningOverRooftops · 29/04/2022 13:39

You’re his wife whom you share children with not his mother so yanbu at all.

PutsFootInIt · 29/04/2022 13:41

I've just been in this exact situation and my DH knew not to expect any sympathy. The opposite, he'd been away 3 nights so I expected him to do bedtime three nights when he got back and get up with the kids and take them to school. You can't go on a jolly then expect sympathy because you're on a come down. If you decide to do it, you have to face up to the reality you're not at uni any more and your responsibilities will resume as normal.

My husband would not believe his luck if he had the offer of staying in a hotel for 3 days after!! I think that's extremely generous of you.

Bonbon21 · 29/04/2022 13:43

So he is happy for you to pander to him while the effects of these drugs wear off.... the fact that the kids will see him in this state is immaterial I take it... or will he just hide away in a darkened room as if he has done something he is ashamed of??
What an outstanding example of fatherhood!
And how childish to react like this given that it is all 'hypothetical'.... yeah!

ChocolateHippo · 29/04/2022 13:47

I'd tell him it's a hotel or the shed at the end of the garden. I'm not having someone under the influence of drugs around my children, full stop. Complete red line for me.

hedgehogger1 · 29/04/2022 13:54

Drug taking would end a relationship for me.

AlternativePerspective · 29/04/2022 13:57

The fact he’d ever done drugs at all would have meant I would never have married him in the first place, but if he now talked about going on his hypothetical bender I would be telling him not to come back.

I.e. if he was going on a weekend away with a bunch of junkies he could stay away, even if he wasn’t planning to take drugs.

Apricote · 29/04/2022 13:59

I’ve taken mdma countless times and never had a 3 day comedown or known anyone I was taking the drug with to have one either. I feel like you both might be being melodramatic about how bad the after effects would be

But he said it took him three days to get back to normal last time. So not impossible, is it. People have different reactions.

Whatsmyname100 · 29/04/2022 14:02

AlternativePerspective · 29/04/2022 13:57

I.e. if he was going on a weekend away with a bunch of junkies he could stay away, even if he wasn’t planning to take drugs.

This is exactly my thinking. No two ways about this. The fact that he has you trying to placate his drug taking is mind blowing. Disgraceful, a grown man whinging about not having support from his wife to go on a drug spree.

LouLou198 · 29/04/2022 14:04

WildCoasts · 29/04/2022 11:30

I'd think he needs new friends who are more sensible and grown up.

Exactly this!!

DefiniteTortoise · 29/04/2022 14:12

My DH goes out to the pub every Friday and rolls back in at 11.30ish. After years of struggling to sleep on a Friday night due to the smelly snoring drunk person next to me, I have finally decreed that he sleep on the sofa on Friday nights. He wasn't thrilled initially, but has since admitted that he sees my point and that IANBU. Your DH is being a spoilt child.

RandomMess · 29/04/2022 14:15

Think I'd tell him he failed to look after you when you were ill with Covid so his declaration he'd care for you post drugs is complete fantasy!

RealBecca · 29/04/2022 14:18

Hes being selfish expecting you all to tiptoe around him and look after him.

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