AIBU? If so then this world makes zero sense to me

[Namechangeonemillion]

So DH just stomped off in a huff. My crime? Saying that if when he goes away with his old UnI friends he wants to take drugs, he can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off.

Context is, he used to take recreational drugs back in the day. Now doesn’t, but his old Uni friends still do when they have time away from kids. There is a reunion coming up. He’s staying away for the weekend. I’m am very happy for him to do so and to do whatever he likes.

I dabbled a little at Uni with weed but grew up with an alcoholic who was from a long line of alcoholics so decided I wouldn’t get into the habit as I can get addicted to stuff easily. Each to their own though.

Roll on to our 40s. Married with DC. I don’t even drink because it makes me irritable and difficult to be around the next day. I don’t want to inflict that on them. If I don’t have parenting responsibilities the next day and can just chill then I might have one or two drinks. DH drinks a little but not often and no longer takes drugs.

In conversation he said Uni friends might want to take drugs at reunion- fine. Their choice. I asked him if he might. Again - his choice. He can do what he likes I was just curious as he did a few years ago when he went away with them but then said he regretted it as it made him feel so rough. He said he likes the idea but not keen on the three day come down. Having lived with students on MDMA come downs and an alcoholic father, I’m not really keen on the idea of having to spend 3 days with someone who is grumpy and moody, so I said in a lighthearted way ‘I don’t fancy it either so if you do, you can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off’. Laughing and smiling. Not at all cross or judgy. Honestly was quite a breezy conversation.

He got really upset. He says that’s unloving. He’s hurt. I tried to explain that a) this is all hypothetical and b) tables turned I’d rather stay in a hotel than inflict my bad mood on him and DC.

He is totally upset by it. Like really hurt and upset. Says his Uni friends don’t mind looking after each other on a come down (but both partners do drugs in their case).

I’m completely baffled. Feel like I’m in some weird alternative reality. I’m peri so do loose reality a bit sometimes. Please give me a reality check.

It’s not even that he wants to and I’m saying ‘no’. It’s not at all that. He’s upset that I would want him to stay away until the hypothetical come down wears off. He thinks it would be more loving to offer him warmth and care during the come down.

Am I losing the plot or is that totally off the scale batshit?

If he can’t handle the comedown-Don’t do the drug/s

Comedowns are felt much more in middle aged people.
He is no longer a teenager!
He has responsibilities now.

Absolutely right.
Self inflicted, Zero sympathy!

'decrepit, aged body'???

Agree the guy's being an arse but is there any need to be so unpleasantly ageist about it?

Wait so you're looking after all the kids all weekend while he goes partying and for 3 extra days while he recovers and he's at annoyed at YOU? When do you get 5 days off OP? Also it doesn't take 3 days to come down off MDMA (is he planning to do other stuff too?)

I wonder if maybe he wanted to pick a fight about something, just anything, and he has latched onto this as a topic, even though it's so far-fetched?

People who expect their family to deal with fallout from substance use are bad people. He doesn’t need nursing and kindness. He needs to stay the frack away from his children until he can behave normally.

that doesn’t mean he can’t have his weekend away if that is something both partners find acceptable. You are absolutely correct though that he should have it out of his system completely before returning home.

If my dh wanted to take drugs our marriage would be over but everyone’s level of behaviour they’d accept is different.

If it's all hypothetical, then all this upset is probably more to do with him realizing he's 40 and not 20 any more! Not your fault either way.

TheEponymousGrub
I wonder if maybe he wanted to pick a fight about something, just anything, and he has latched onto this as a topic, even though it's so far-fetched?

I wondered this but we had literally just been having a really connected deep and meaningful conversation just before. I think that’s why I was so blindsided. Totally didn’t expect it.

The only thing ‘totally off the scale batshit’ is your loser husband considering taking drugs when he is a father FFS he needs to grow up and fast. I would find this SO off-putting, honestly I think that would be a dealbreaker for me, especially if you say your marriage is already on thin ice. He sounds like an utter twat.

It’s not even that he wants to and I’m saying ‘no’. It’s not at all that. He’s upset that I would want him to stay away until the hypothetical come down wears off. He thinks it would be more loving to offer him warmth and care during the come down.

Hilarious. He wants to make himself feel like crap via illegal drugs and then expect you to feel sorry for him and look after him while he inflicts his mood on the you and the children? Fuck no!

Tell him to grow the hell up. And agree with others: check his life insurance policy to ensure you're covered in case he takes somethings that causes permanent disability or death.

(I know two people who have lost their 19/20 year old son's to recreational drug use; they were laced with something they didn't expect. I have another friend whose son ended up in a coma for MONTHS and almost died from a recreational drug which was laced with something he didn't expect; he's got permanent brain damage and may never be able to live fully independently again. So it does happen.)

Considering your family background, I think it's really 'unloving' of him to have you wondering if he's going to take drugs and if you're going to have to cope with him coming down whilst hiding it from your DCs.
His selfishness and lack of consideration is pretty breathtaking.

What a child. I wouldn’t tolerate this from a 5 year old!

Taking drugs as a parent would not be ok by me, I know we all take risks everyday but recreational drugs are not regulated in any way so it is a much bigger risk. I know someone who had a very bad reaction to some MDMA at a similar reunion and almost died. Tell him to inform his life insurance of recreational drug use or they won't pay out if something happens and he hasn't declared it.

Pa! I’d tell my DH if he takes drugs he can leave and never come back! Absolute non-negotiable. I am not interested in being with a weed smoking/coke sniffing loser.

It would certainly raise more complex problems.

Say, well we can't decide who's being unreasonable and if I'm being a good wife or not to not want to take care of you during a 3 day drug come down as well as caring for the DC alone perhaps your parents can be arbiters of this argument to see if I'm treating their son fairly (since you're acting like a petulent child)... 😏

Seriously though I wouldn't tolerate the extended hotel stay (and the expense of that) either just for a drug comedown, whilst I was stuck at home with the kids, you are being faaaar more diplomatic than I would be. I'd tell him to grow the fuck up, he's a middle aged man with kids.

He's lucky you're not telling him not to do it at all, because I'd sure as hell be "judgemental" about it if mine wanted to do that.

I'd offer loving support to someone who was feeling ill through no fault of their own (accident, illness, general poor health). If someone's suffering because they were stupid enough to take drugs (especially as an adult who should know better and admits it makes him feel rough afterwards), he doesn't deserve my loving support. No-one's holding a gun to his head. If he wants to suffer for days after, fine, but you and the children shouldn't be forced to suffer, too. How selfish of him! And to then go off in a strop because you aren't sufficiently eager to tend to him in his self-inflicted discomfort. What a sensitive little man-child he sounds!

So DH wants to take MDMA with old Uni friends while away for the weekend. That would be a hell to the no from me. For all intents and purposes he is taking Ecstasy while you are at home with the kids. So what happens when the sexy vibes kick in? What do you think will happen when they all start taking drugs together? I guess he might be one of the few to be ‘unable to perform’ but I certainly wouldn’t be taking that risk.

Eightiesfan

he’s not planning on it - he was saying he was tempted but doesn’t want the come down. So I joked that neither did I and he’d have to stay in a hotel. He then got upset by that. That’s my AIBU. He would never cheat. He may be a beeping beep at times but I know he’d never do that.

I have avoided him tonight. I just can’t bring myself to talk to him. I’m too upset. He’s kind of apologised (that ‘it became an argument’) but still feels I was unloving in suggesting I’d make him stay in a hotel (hypothetically). As I write those words again I’m still slightly baffled at just how batshit that is!! I honk he may be losing the plot or getting some kind of cognitive issue. This really seems odd to me.

With all due respect, if he is high on drugs he is not going to be in a position to make good decisions. Lines that he never would consider crossing when sober will be blurred. I really think you are burying your head in the sand by telling yourself it’s all hypothetical, if he’s out with his friends and they are all taking drugs he will as well. Do you honestly think he will say no?

Do you know everyone who is going on this Uni reunion? If your DH is flying solo, so will others and I will be questioning him to find out exactly who will be going. I respect that you trust your husband implicitly, but I do think you are playing a dangerous game by happily waving him off confident that he will be happy to sit on the sidelines whilst all his friends are getting off their faces on a drug that is lowers a persons inhibitions and increases sexual libido.

If he says unloving one more time i'll bloody swing for him myself

ihe a fucking bully making out hes a victim in all this

My thoughts entirely.

He's also risking sudden death from the drugs that nobody knows what is cut with them. So he is happy to abuse his body, risk leaving you a widow with children.. and this is ok because it's his body and his life.. well I am sorry but when you entered into a relationship it isn't allowed to be selfish. I must be very sheltered because this has upset me that a husband is doing this to a woman.

Eightiesfan

Im really not concerned about infidelity- they just aren’t like that. Never were. I don’t think he will take drugs. He’s too health conscious now. That’s why this is so daft. It was hypothetical