AIBU? If so then this world makes zero sense to me

[Namechangeonemillion]

So DH just stomped off in a huff. My crime? Saying that if when he goes away with his old UnI friends he wants to take drugs, he can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off.

Context is, he used to take recreational drugs back in the day. Now doesn’t, but his old Uni friends still do when they have time away from kids. There is a reunion coming up. He’s staying away for the weekend. I’m am very happy for him to do so and to do whatever he likes.

I dabbled a little at Uni with weed but grew up with an alcoholic who was from a long line of alcoholics so decided I wouldn’t get into the habit as I can get addicted to stuff easily. Each to their own though.

Roll on to our 40s. Married with DC. I don’t even drink because it makes me irritable and difficult to be around the next day. I don’t want to inflict that on them. If I don’t have parenting responsibilities the next day and can just chill then I might have one or two drinks. DH drinks a little but not often and no longer takes drugs.

In conversation he said Uni friends might want to take drugs at reunion- fine. Their choice. I asked him if he might. Again - his choice. He can do what he likes I was just curious as he did a few years ago when he went away with them but then said he regretted it as it made him feel so rough. He said he likes the idea but not keen on the three day come down. Having lived with students on MDMA come downs and an alcoholic father, I’m not really keen on the idea of having to spend 3 days with someone who is grumpy and moody, so I said in a lighthearted way ‘I don’t fancy it either so if you do, you can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off’. Laughing and smiling. Not at all cross or judgy. Honestly was quite a breezy conversation.

He got really upset. He says that’s unloving. He’s hurt. I tried to explain that a) this is all hypothetical and b) tables turned I’d rather stay in a hotel than inflict my bad mood on him and DC.

He is totally upset by it. Like really hurt and upset. Says his Uni friends don’t mind looking after each other on a come down (but both partners do drugs in their case).

I’m completely baffled. Feel like I’m in some weird alternative reality. I’m peri so do loose reality a bit sometimes. Please give me a reality check.

It’s not even that he wants to and I’m saying ‘no’. It’s not at all that. He’s upset that I would want him to stay away until the hypothetical come down wears off. He thinks it would be more loving to offer him warmth and care during the come down.

Am I losing the plot or is that totally off the scale batshit?

A big thank you to everyone who has posted. I would be rocking in a corner without the feedback I’ve had.

I just remembered something else he said that is so out there I laughed. I’d forgotten that I suggested the hotel because I actually said ‘me neither, you’d have to stay away til you were back to normal’ - he said ‘oh, so I’d have to put Sandra out and stay with her would I?’ Sandra is the made up name of the Uni friend they are all staying with. To which I said ‘you could get a hotel’. Remembering that bit just says it all. He’s aware that it wouldn’t be unpleasant for his uni friend but happy to inflict that on me (hypothetically) and willing to spend two days mad with me because I said I wouldn’t (hypothetically). So bat shit!!! Had to just share that. If I wasn’t so sad I’d be laughing hysterically at that!

well to base your entire understanding of the world based on your twat of a husbands behaviour around a hypothetical situation sounds a touch melodramatic, so YABU from that perspective, but YANBU to think he's a twat.

He's gone through the looking glass I think. Whenever you doubt yourself come here and remind yourself which world is real. I think you've been half through it yourself, but this incident has brought you back - just in time to stop him dragging you all the way through.

Why would you put yourself through another year of his weird bizarre mood swings that are based in the land of fiction?
I'd make plans to be gone in less than an year. Get my documents and affairs in order before too long so that you can extricate yourself with the least disruption to all involved.

That article really helps but I have no idea what to do. Financially I can’t leave. We can’t afford two houses etc. But I’m so unhappy. Then I’m not myself and am not the parent I want to be.

Oh my dear OP ... this is anxiety & despair talking.
Your H has totally mindfucked you. Living with his level of hypocrisy, double standards & self-absorption must be almost intolerable.

I'm also concerned that you are in couples counselling.
You should not be - because your H is abusive. If your counsellor hasn't spotted this yet, they are not qualified to deal with him.

He is starting his own counselling soon. I really hope it helps. I think I’m going to set a deadline of a year. If no change then I’m leaving regardless of the financial implications.
Let him crack on, wasting family money on talking all about himself to no avail. He is not the type to benefit from solo counselling - he won't use it to challenge himself, he'll just manipulate it to confirm his own narrative of his marvellousness, & reinforce his bullshit about his wife being the one who needs to change her behaviours.

You might choose to embark on your own solo counselling, to help you make sense of things as you work out how to escape the way forward. Or you might choose to squirrel the £££ away in the escape fund as 'rainy day money'.

While we're talking £££ - why does he only work "very few hours"?
Is he leeching off your hard work, as well as your emotional labour?
Who does the majority child care, house drudgery, mental load?
If you were to split, would the fucker have to work FT to support himself?

works very few hours wants to go off on weekends and take drugs hes a keeper isnt he

This

Agree.

Me too