AIBU? If so then this world makes zero sense to me

[Namechangeonemillion]

So DH just stomped off in a huff. My crime? Saying that if when he goes away with his old UnI friends he wants to take drugs, he can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off.

Context is, he used to take recreational drugs back in the day. Now doesn’t, but his old Uni friends still do when they have time away from kids. There is a reunion coming up. He’s staying away for the weekend. I’m am very happy for him to do so and to do whatever he likes.

I dabbled a little at Uni with weed but grew up with an alcoholic who was from a long line of alcoholics so decided I wouldn’t get into the habit as I can get addicted to stuff easily. Each to their own though.

Roll on to our 40s. Married with DC. I don’t even drink because it makes me irritable and difficult to be around the next day. I don’t want to inflict that on them. If I don’t have parenting responsibilities the next day and can just chill then I might have one or two drinks. DH drinks a little but not often and no longer takes drugs.

In conversation he said Uni friends might want to take drugs at reunion- fine. Their choice. I asked him if he might. Again - his choice. He can do what he likes I was just curious as he did a few years ago when he went away with them but then said he regretted it as it made him feel so rough. He said he likes the idea but not keen on the three day come down. Having lived with students on MDMA come downs and an alcoholic father, I’m not really keen on the idea of having to spend 3 days with someone who is grumpy and moody, so I said in a lighthearted way ‘I don’t fancy it either so if you do, you can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off’. Laughing and smiling. Not at all cross or judgy. Honestly was quite a breezy conversation.

He got really upset. He says that’s unloving. He’s hurt. I tried to explain that a) this is all hypothetical and b) tables turned I’d rather stay in a hotel than inflict my bad mood on him and DC.

He is totally upset by it. Like really hurt and upset. Says his Uni friends don’t mind looking after each other on a come down (but both partners do drugs in their case).

I’m completely baffled. Feel like I’m in some weird alternative reality. I’m peri so do loose reality a bit sometimes. Please give me a reality check.

It’s not even that he wants to and I’m saying ‘no’. It’s not at all that. He’s upset that I would want him to stay away until the hypothetical come down wears off. He thinks it would be more loving to offer him warmth and care during the come down.

Am I losing the plot or is that totally off the scale batshit?

jewishmum

he doesn’t take drugs and is very unlikely to. As I’ve said. Thats the bizarre thing about his reaction

Mumsnet is known for being anti alcohol, anti drug.. I'm not pro alcohol Pro drugs by the way... however, anyone who has more than a glass of wine a day is considered an alcoholic ?

what an utterly unhinged response. There is just no way he genuinely thinks that’s an appropriate response. Why is he picking a fight?

MDMA in his forties when he has kids? What a sad bastard... tell him grow up.

I think you're being a bit soft here too OP. All this "his body his choice" shite. You have children FFS. If you're not happy with him taking class A drugs you say so. My husband was a bit of a wild one back in the day - and back in the day it shall remain! Hard no from me. I'm not being married to a druggie waster. I'd be mortified.

The crux of this is he somehow thinks you are being ‘unloving’ to not jump at the chance of ‘looking after’ him in the hypothetical scenario of him coming back from a drug-fuelled bender.

He is being selfish and unreasonable. Like you, most sensible people would put their children first and not want them exposed to daddy ‘feeling poorly’. This is male entitlement at its finest.

By making a huge thing of this, I would be questioning his priorities as he’s trying to write a narrative where you are the one being unreasonable. He is being given the choice as to whether he takes drugs or not, he should give you the same privilege and if you decide he has to go to a hotel until the drugs are out of his system, we’ll that is the consequence of the choices he has made.

This!!

Today he is still angry and hurt. Is saying that I didn’t listen to his feelings. His feelings being that he is upset that in a hypothetical world where one or other of us took drugs one night then he would look after me with warmth and care and I would tell him to sleep it off at a hotel.

He is totally hurt and upset that I didn’t validate his feelings about it. But telling me that in an accusatory and angry way.

I’m honestly at the end of my tether here. I can’t stand the sight of him today. I feel like I am at the mad hatters tea party where nothing makes sense. Except there is no bloody cake.

Having read you last update, I do think this is not about whether or not he does or does not take drugs, like a previous poster has said it sounds like there is something else at play here as his reaction is way over the top and makes no sense. Surely he can see why you do not want him home whilst coming down from drug use. It sounds like he is intentionally creating a drama to distract you from something else. The way he is turning this round on you when you are being far more understanding and accepting of this whole “will he won’t he” situation than most if not all women in your position would be.

Eightiesfan

Thanks. You are right. It never was about will he/won’t he take drugs. It was that he would look after me (on a hypothetical come down that would never happen) but I’d send him to a hotel - and that I didn’t validate his hurt about this hypothetical imbalance.

He keeps saying I didn’t validate his feelings (which for many reasons is infuriating as this is one of the things he struggles to do - is always telling me I ‘should just relax’ or shouldn’t feel this or that). In fairness I didn’t take his feelings seriously as I thought it was batshit (I am hurt because you wouldn’t look after me on a hypothetical come down but I would for you) - totally ridiculous to be upset about that IMO. If he’d have said the same to me (that I would have to go sleep it off at a hotel) I’d have said ‘fair enough’ or ‘great!’ - but it wouldn’t happen with me.

it’s really hard to even talk to him today. He’s still really tetchy and to be honest, so am I. He was so I necessarily angry and shouty yesterday that I’m struggling to move past it today. Which is making him even more convinced that I’m the devil incarnate.

I am wondering if his mental state is deteriorating- this just seems totally OTT.

God he sounds fucking exhausting mate.

youvegottenminuteslynn

so exhausting! I’m so tired. So so tired.

Tell him that you don't give a toss if he's hurt or upset, he's got bats on the brain if he thinks you're going to nurse him tenderly through a self-induced illness while also running after the kids and trying to stop them seeing their father in that state.

Tell him that some feelings aren't really worth validating or caring about, and you're not his personal support human being.

I can understand your disbelief of how something so ridiculous has been escalated like this.

You might need to change tack and respond in a different way. At the moment it is all about him and you, he has not mentioned your children and how this might effect them. Would he want his children to be exposed to anyone’s drug use, chances are the answer is a firm no, so why is the fact that it’s his potential drug any different?

This is not about you and him, if you had no children then yes you probably would have no issue with him recovering at home, but the fact is you do have children and they should always be your priority, it is them who you are shielding from his potentially erratic behaviour.

But instead of being rational and listening to you he is being a self-centred drama llama. You should ask him why he thinks his needs trump both yours and those of your children.

He just sounds so needy and pathetic

noone is loving to someone who has a hangover its self inflicted so why should yoube the same with anything self inflicted

Hold on - he's STILL being a whinging bitch about this total non-issue?
WTF is wrong with him?
I am with PP way upthread who reckons he's not "hurt" - he's just used to being facilitated, & is now shocked & angry at your perceived non-compliance.

He keeps saying I didn’t validate his feelings (which for many reasons is infuriating as this is one of the things he struggles to do - is always telling me I ‘should just relax’ or shouldn’t feel this or that).
It's as if he's only just learned about feelings-validation & has fixated on it.
Not because there's any truth in it - but because it's a fantastic get-out-of-jail-free card for people who want to bully & control others, or want to deflect from their own selfishness. And he IS selfish - double standards & hypocrisy are classic traits of the selfish.

In fairness I didn’t take his feelings seriously as I thought it was batshit (I am hurt because you wouldn’t look after me on a hypothetical come down but I would for you) - totally ridiculous to be upset about that IMO. If he’d have said the same to me (that I would have to go sleep it off at a hotel) I’d have said ‘fair enough’ or ‘great!’ - but it wouldn’t happen with me.
OP - NOBODY is taking his feelings seriously, because we all know his hypothetical scenario is based on bullshit.
He would NOT be doing the same for you - he couldn't even get you a drink of water when you were wiped out with Covid FFS.
Let me guess - around the home, you do 100% of whatever you without drawing any attention to it. But when he parents a child, or puts a bin out - he expects applause. Am I right?

it’s really hard to even talk to him today. He’s still really tetchy and to be honest, so am I. He was so I necessarily angry and shouty yesterday that I’m struggling to move past it today. Which is making him even more convinced that I’m the devil incarnate.
He's DARVO'ing you - www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

I am wondering if his mental state is deteriorating- this just seems totally OTT.
I'm wondering if this attitude from his has simmered along for years without you noticing, because you are a reasonable, coping sort of person who cracks on with things, & have been accommodating his self-centredness without fully realising the extent of it.
Maybe this utterly stupid situation - which is all of his own making - is finally so batshit that you can't 'unsee' his abusiveness & how illogical & manipulative he is prepared to be, so long as he can finally get you dancing to his tune again.

I am also wondering whether he is Lundy Bancroft's "Mr Sensitive" - callmeblake.tumblr.com/post/79553548223/abusive-types-mr-sensitive

He’d be told to take his feelings back to his mummy and she can validate them and tell him he’s a big boy. Meanwhile, you’ll still be doing the adulting at home, looking after the kid’s feelings and noticing that no one gives a shit about yours.

He needs to learn that his “feelings” aren’t your biggest priority. He needs to learn that he is in control of those, not you. You are not at all responsible for his feelings. He is.

KettrickenSmiled

Thank you for sharing those links. The ‘mr sensitive’ was spot on. It was like reading about my life bar a couple of things.

He knows me very well and will throw up my vulnerabilities in arguments. For example in this recent one, he said that I expect him to adapt to my emotional states brought on by peri menopause (so he is so sensitive and caring) yet I wouldn’t consider hypothetically looking after him on a come down.

His favourite phrases in arguments are ‘you haven’t acknowledged (his feelings)’ or ‘if you just acknowledge’. I have to listen to his point of view in a way he feels listened to before he will listen to mine.

I have lost a friendship because I was having a moan about him to a mutual friend (who I have listened to moan about her family lots) because she ‘felt sorry’ for him. I’ve stopped talking in RL because it’s hard to describe what’s going on in words, I am now worried about being perceived as ‘spoiled’ and a bitch and losing friends and because I’m peri and so get adolescent-type moods and outlooks and I’m never quite sure what is real and I should feel angry or hurt about, and what’s hormones messing with me.

That article really helps but I have no idea what to do. Financially I can’t leave. We can’t afford two houses etc. But I’m so unhappy. Then I’m not myself and am not the parent I want to be.

Today he was talking about plans for the weekend and I feel so depressed still from Friday that I just couldn’t muster up any enthusiasm. He got frustrated and so I was honest and said I was struggling and feeling sad after Friday - he was shouty and blaming again. Calling me passive aggressive and that I’m punishing him. I said he’d treated me horribly and I’m just struggling to get over that. He shouted me down and said that wasn’t true. He’s taken DC off for the day. I’m home alone feeling guilty that I’ve now failed as a mother as this has effected the atmosphere and isn’t a fun weekend. I’ve reassured DC that this is about me and DH but it’s just shit.

Thanks for that insight. Helpful in the quest for holding on to my sanity.

You haven't done anything wrong, OP. It's almost like he's engineered a fight...

Do you feel your peri menopause makes you unreasonable in other situations, or just with him? Because it sounds like you are questioning yourself despite it being pretty clear that he is hugely irrational, and I'm wondering if that's because he's telling you that it's all you or if you really are being that emotionally unpredictable.

Even if you were responding irrationally because you're peri menopausal (which you're not in this instance), surely HE would be the insensitive one by not being sympathetic to your menopause-induced mental state, over which you have no control
🤔

If you can afford it, I'd get couples counselling and hopefully the therapist will enlighten him.

Or alternatively, would you show him this thread?

In all of this, he hasn't once acknowledged your feelings. Not once.
Even for something that is supposed to be hypothetical.

The more you say, the more I'm convinced that he's done a number on you. By banging on about his feelings and how you've disregarded them, he's got you neatly into hormonal bitch role. Don't fall for it. It's not you, it's him. Your reactions are the normal reactions to his selfish immature behaviour. I'd be worried if it didn't upset you!
I'm so sorry you feel unable to escape the relationship. Might be time to stop trying to explain how you feel (he's not listening and he doesn't care anyway). Disengage your feelings and do your best to stay on good terms with him as you would a house mate. This is just a survival strategy until you can separate.

BlueOverYellow - It does feel a bit like he’s picking a fight.

DysmalRadius - good question. I get really low in confidence and some social anxiety - I’ll think people don’t want to be with me but mostly I can rationalise it. I don’t get into arguments with anyone else but then I don’t see anyone else as much. I guess he does say I’m irrational when we argue. Thanks to this thread I know I’m not in this instance at least!

PutsFootInIt - already in couples counselling believe it or not - I’m not sure if we are making progress. Some things are better. He takes on more domestically (he works very few hours) now and we were starting to talk more openly and just before this argument we had a really good talk. Not sure I would dare show him this thread. He’d dismiss it anyway.

LookItsMeAgain - Indeed. Nothing about my needs or feelings. How ironic. I did say ‘what about how I might feel (in this hypothetical situation) being triggered by your comedown having lived with an alcoholic father?’ But he was too busy shouting at me to take it in!

He is starting his own counselling soon. I really hope it helps. I think I’m going to set a deadline of a year. If no change then I’m leaving regardless of the financial implications. I’m so tired and fed up and I’m eating my feelings so getting more and more unhealthy - which is the opposite of what I need.

Dimenw

Thanks. It’s so hard to think of it like that. I don’t think he’s doing it consciously- he’s got some stuff from childhood to deal with - but that’s not an excuse.

I will give it a year and good advice to disengage and just get on until either it changes or I can leave. So sad it’s come to this but I think this might be the nail in the coffin.