AIBU? If so then this world makes zero sense to me

[Namechangeonemillion]

So DH just stomped off in a huff. My crime? Saying that if when he goes away with his old UnI friends he wants to take drugs, he can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off.

Context is, he used to take recreational drugs back in the day. Now doesn’t, but his old Uni friends still do when they have time away from kids. There is a reunion coming up. He’s staying away for the weekend. I’m am very happy for him to do so and to do whatever he likes.

I dabbled a little at Uni with weed but grew up with an alcoholic who was from a long line of alcoholics so decided I wouldn’t get into the habit as I can get addicted to stuff easily. Each to their own though.

Roll on to our 40s. Married with DC. I don’t even drink because it makes me irritable and difficult to be around the next day. I don’t want to inflict that on them. If I don’t have parenting responsibilities the next day and can just chill then I might have one or two drinks. DH drinks a little but not often and no longer takes drugs.

In conversation he said Uni friends might want to take drugs at reunion- fine. Their choice. I asked him if he might. Again - his choice. He can do what he likes I was just curious as he did a few years ago when he went away with them but then said he regretted it as it made him feel so rough. He said he likes the idea but not keen on the three day come down. Having lived with students on MDMA come downs and an alcoholic father, I’m not really keen on the idea of having to spend 3 days with someone who is grumpy and moody, so I said in a lighthearted way ‘I don’t fancy it either so if you do, you can stay in a hotel until the come down wears off’. Laughing and smiling. Not at all cross or judgy. Honestly was quite a breezy conversation.

He got really upset. He says that’s unloving. He’s hurt. I tried to explain that a) this is all hypothetical and b) tables turned I’d rather stay in a hotel than inflict my bad mood on him and DC.

He is totally upset by it. Like really hurt and upset. Says his Uni friends don’t mind looking after each other on a come down (but both partners do drugs in their case).

I’m completely baffled. Feel like I’m in some weird alternative reality. I’m peri so do loose reality a bit sometimes. Please give me a reality check.

It’s not even that he wants to and I’m saying ‘no’. It’s not at all that. He’s upset that I would want him to stay away until the hypothetical come down wears off. He thinks it would be more loving to offer him warmth and care during the come down.

Am I losing the plot or is that totally off the scale batshit?

Tbh it sounds like he was sussing you out for how you would feel if he did it more often. Otherwise why would he be thrilled at a few days of peace in a hotel room?

He does sound a bit pathetic. The expectation of being looked after would massively piss me off. I worked in an industry where people would regularly come to work hungover and feeling very sorry for themselves. They were expected to get on with work and stop whingeing, whilst their fragile condition was cheerfully ignored by everyone.
The rule was 'self-inflicted - no sympathy'.
This would most definitely apply to your husband.

Are you sure he’s not upset at you accusing him of wanting to do it when he obviously doesn’t want to?

The way I read it was that he said he didn’t want to yet you still said if he does he has to stay in a hotel.

If I said I’m not interested in doing something and someone implied I was going to do it anyway I’d be really pissed off.

It would also account for him then turning it around as you’re giving him your blessing that you should be the one to look after him.

Him being upset about the hypothetical situation is ridiculous.
You implying he’s got to do drugs when he’s told you he regretted doing them before is inconsiderate and sounds pretty passive aggressive.

“Unloving” = deliberately messing up one’s brain chemistry then inflicting the messy result on children for days while demanding to be looked after. What is he, age 15?

If DH went on a weekend away taking illegal drugs, I’d tell him not to bother coming back. I’m only sexually attracted to intelligent men, and messing up brain chemistry with some unhealthy crap bought from a dodgy criminal at the end of a supply chain that involves exploitation and (if from South America or similar) probably murder, is deeply unattractive to me.

Because he wants it to happen. And he wants you to help facilitate that by looking after him during the comedown, which is the part of the drug taking experience he doesn't like. If you fix that part for him, he can crack on with enjoying taking drugs.

He's a selfish prick.

You look after him every time you choose not to drink and inflict the next day irritability that would arise, onto your family. He can't even bring you water when ill and unable to fetch it yourself.

*going to do drugs

He's like a selfish toddler. The world revolves around me and my feelings. I'm off to have a good time and when I get back I'll feel like shit but you can pick me up and cope with me feeling like crap.

What a dimwit he is. Selfish toerag.

He wants to break the law, revisit his misspent youth, escape the monotony of life in a somewhat dangerous way..... and then let you pick up the pieces. Yuck. What sort of nonsense is that???

If he can't handle the come down and the effect it has on him and everyone else, he shouldn't be going at all.

Taking recreational drugs should be done to responsibly, to all involved and that extends to his family members as well. He needs to take full care of his experience, not give just all the fun and good stuff to his friends and leave you with the crap part. What does that say about how he values you? and your children?

He sounds a bit immature overall.

Well done though. You've underlined that drugs and drug 'fun' come at a price. He should remember that he's not single anymore, he has a family and all that comes with it. His come down is your come down. So he can fuck right off as far as I'm concerned to the hotel and handle it alone.

Having experienced come downs the very last place I'd want to be is all alone is in a hotel. That would be bloody shit and send me into a nerve-wracked ball of anxiety. But good. If you can't stand the heat of the kitchen, don't go in there in the first place. I would never take recreational drugs now. I have kids. What an idiot.

Why are you happy for him to take drugs?

He really expects the world to revolve around him, doesn't he?

Sounds like he can't handle his drugs, so maybe you should just veto the entire thing for his own good 😀

Point out that you facilitating the peace of a hotel room was you being caring. Now you’ve changed your mind & will take the 3 days in the hotel yourself, whilst he takes over all the child & house duties.

"He thinks it would be more loving to offer him warmth and care during the come down."

You can always turn it around and tell him that it would be more loving to offer to stay at a hotel so that you don´t have to endure his come down.
Where´s his loving you?

jewishmum

I am not happy for him to take drugs. And he doesn’t. But - I’m not his mother and it’s his body. It’s something him and his friends USED to enjoy in their. 20s and some of them still do from time to time in their 40s. I don’t like the drug trade but can’t stop it. But, again, he said he’s unlikely to and hasn’t for well over 10 years.

For the record, there are huge swathes of middle class professionals currently using cocaine and MDMA and evidence suggests lots of cocaine use in the Houses of Parliament. It’s not right but it is true sadly.

Shelby2010

Point out that you facilitating the peace of a hotel room was you being caring. Now you’ve changed your mind & will take the 3 days in the hotel yourself, whilst he takes over all the child & house duties.

genius - if he does go for it this is what I’ll do but with DC.

I don’t think he will though - which is exactly why this is so bonkers!!! It was all bloody hypothetical and I was just joking around knowing he’d be unlikely to. Although with his reaction now I’m not sure…

"Unloving", fuck me, did his lower lip tremble as he said that?

You have not tried to dictate his choices at all, you have simply told him you don't want to deal with the fallout. How selfish do you have to be to think you are entitled to inflict a bad atmosphere on a whole household when you can predict the outcome of an action in advance? He has your blessing to go and do as he pleases , have three days off parenting responsibility to recover and he thinks he's hard done by?

Tell him to piss off and grow up.

Is he out of his tiny mind?

He’s extremely lucky you are so laid back about letting him do what he wants. If my dh said that he was off away for the weekend to do drug with his mates like the good old days I’d be telling him to piss off permanently and take his midlife crisis with him.

Yanbu.

I have a pretty liberal attitude to drugs, but expecting to opt out of family life for a weekend break AND a 3-day comedown is taking the piss imo. And even to imply that you should look after him puts the tin lid on it for me.

And wtf are they putting in MDMA these days that makes you ill for 3 days? The best thing about the MDMA I had so much fun with in the 80s and 90s was that you could still go to work the next day, even if you hadn't had any sleep.

It’s so reassuring. Not one of you can see his perspective. I agree that hypothetically giving him permission to hypothetically take drugs and then stay in a hypothetical hotel was kind, loving and generous (as well as self preserving and better for DC). He can’t see it!

He stormed off but has sent a text apologising for coming across as attacking but is still talking about trying to get his feelings heard. He is genuinely really hurt. Really hurt. Like I’ve told him to get a grip when someone close has just died level of hurt. He’s acting like I’ve been totally insensitive.

LakieLady might just be his older body. I drank copious amounts of alcohol late teens and got up for work. Now if I have half a glass of wine I feel dreadful the next day. It’s an age thing I think.

YANBU. I think you’re actually being incredibly reasonable and understanding. I wouldn’t want myself or my husband to be on a come down in front of our kids. I have no intention of doing drugs (with the exception of maybe an occasional joint) now I have children.

They sound like a right bunch of sad, middle aged tossers trying to relive their youth!

He is conflating things!
You love and look after him when he is ill - and he likes this. (This is your love and care for him is visible form to him.)

Not wanting to look after him when he feels ill (through choice) should be separate. He is reading it as if you will never care for him when he is ill.

I'm like the rest here and think you right: When he chooses drugs - he also chooses the come-down and should deal with both well away from people not involved in this choice.

And wtf are they putting in MDMA these days that makes you ill for 3 days? The best thing about the MDMA I had so much fun with in the 80s and 90s was that you could still go to work the next day, even if you hadn't had any sleep.

In the US all sorts of drugs are becoming accidentally cross-contaminated with fentanyl (an extremely strong opiate). Very tiny amounts of it can have a bad effect and indeed can be deadly. It hasn't become a big problem in Europe yet, but it's likely to do so.

To minimise fatalities it's going to become really important that users have access to testing kits so that contaminated pills and bags of cocaine can be checked before consumption.

He’s back and still feels that I’m in the wrong. Has no idea that he was out of order for getting so cross about a hypothetical scenario where I wasn’t even being unreasonable. I think drugs are the last thing his brain needs!!!

Fucking drama llama sees it as your job to be his mummy when his decrepit, aged body is telling him that pretending to be 20 again in the name of FUN is a fucking stupid idea, and that no matter what want to think, chasing your lost youth - whether it be in the arms of a nubile, younger woman, in a stereotypical red, erection-shaped sports car or getting fucked off your face and wanging on about bands and birds FUN from a million years ago, even for just one night is still a sad fucking midlife crisis.

Seriously OP ... this idiot man needs to get a grip and grow up. He's a father in his 40's ffs, not some air headed kid. I agree with @AnyFucker ...