I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

What kind of therapy have you had to deal with your experiences? I feel this is the sort of thing it’s worth processing outside of the family unit.

I understand why you might feel triggered by it but I’m afraid YABU; your personal experiences and what is likely PTSD (have you had any therapy?) are no fault of their future foster children. You must remember what it felt like to not feel like you belong anywhere, or aren’t wanted, please don’t make another child feel that way. 💐

I can’t understand how anyone who grew up in foster care (as I did too) could feel like that towards foster kids as a grown adult with grand children. They won’t be your equals who will steal your stuff. They are children. You are an adult.
im sorry I think you are being very unreasonable and your dc is right to say that treating a child differently is out of order.

Where are they in the assessment process, are they just investigating it or have they been approved to start being assessed?

That’s really difficult. I’m so sorry for your childhood experiences and I understand you are considering your home as your sanctuary.

I think you could do with some individual therapy to work through this, and then some family therapy sessions with your DC to explore it all with a mediating outsider to lead the discussion.

Your DC is being unreasonable, disrespectful & nasty.

telling you, what you have!to do 'or else'.

They have no right to inflict this on you with no prior discussion about how you might feel!

They're not bloody therapists.

Yes. What @bellac11 says.
And yanbu.
You say they have started the process.
I fostered a few years ago. It may not be the same now, but back then, it was quite rigourous.
I suspect your dc will learn quite a lot, going through it. And as it stands, may have to change some things and attitudes about themselves.
I do remember not enough thought was given to how other children in the household might react[i think this has been changed since]. But your own dc will not be able to just dictate to you how you are going to react. And quite frankly, if they cannot see and understand that you will be triggered, then they are going to find the foster process, hard, enlightening, and ultimately possibly untenable for themselves.

But it is called a process for a reason.

Hope things work out well for all of you.

I agree with this. Imagine how you would have felt as a child if everyone tarred you as a thief just because you were in the system. I think what your DC is doing is a wonderful thing providing a child/ren with a loving caring home and I believe they should be treated the same as anyone else in the family. If you are still suffering from PTSD then seek help, if your DC is intent on going through with this do you really want to risk pushing them away and having no involvement with your grandchildren at all?

I understand why it’s triggering but of course YABU. This will be a vulnerable child your DC is helping, not some random vagabond who is going to run away with your possessions.

And dont take notice of the voting.
Going through it all is a totally different thing to having not.

fwiw, I used to mentor young people in foster care too. Nothing about any of it is easy.

I'm with your child here, I'm afraid. Fostering is a decision that they have made as an adult and as a family, and they have the right both to make that decision and to set boundaries on how the children will be treated. You have the right to refuse to have them in the house, but you will, in doing so, be making the choice not to see much of that part of your family. No foster parent worth their salt would agree to having their foster children treated as lesser by extended family. If you're not able to accept all of their children - biological and not - then I don't think it's unreasonable of them to say they won't see you.

It's also very dismissive and insulting of you to say that your child is doing this in an attempt to heal your childhood. If I were an adult making the decision to become a foster parent, I would take a very dim view of that attitude.

Personally, I think it’s your house so you get to say who comes in it. If you don’t want your child’s foster children in your house, they don’t come in your house.

The thing about triggering issues - they’re not rooted in rational “this is a child and it’ll be different” thoughts. You can’t just tell yourself it’s different and to stop being so horrible, which is the subtext of all the replies (and OP’s DC’s opinion too).

Im sure OP understands rationally this situation is not her own childhood. It doesn’t necessarily help her overcome her emotions, though.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I am not surprised you would find it a difficult experience after all that you went through.

They have made the decision as a family, they can’t leave the foster children behind when they come and visit you so of course it would be an issue if you refuse to let them in.

I think you need to seek support for what you have been through personally and look on what rjeu are doing as giving children the chances you never got.

They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them.

"it"? Do you normally refer to children as an "it" ?

Do you view yourself as an "it" ?

I guess from there side, if you don't have the foster child in the house, how it that going to be organized. They can't leave the child somewhere when they visit and it would be unkind to exclude the child from family life and occasions. On the other hand, your trauma should be respected. Is there a working solution to this that you could suggest to them? How do you see the practicalities of it working out if they have a foster child in their family that you refuse to have in your home?

Hi @Bitterwounds ,

I think it's reasonable to feel the way you do but unreasonable to say that to your dc. It's a wonderful thing that they want to do and I'm sure you must feel proud about it in some way. You talked about bad experiences but do you have any good ones you can think of, other children who you did get on with maybe. Just to give yourself some perspective to consider. As an aside if how you feel comes into the process of them applying it could be difficult for them going forwards.

The use of the word it in this context is perfectly reasonable without talking about a specific child (ie you cant say him or her because this is a theoretical child)

Dont pick on the OP

I don't see why the OP's concerns about her mental health and needs should be any less important than anyone else's in this scenario. Yes there is a vulnerable child but there is also a vulnerable adult. It doesn't sound like an ideal situation.

My child can do whatever they choose of course. But my choice is I'm not involved. And yes I have had therapy, lots and lots of it.

How about you see your dc, gc and foster children outside of your home? And just don’t have any of them come to your home as that is your sanctuary which is completely understandable.

Your dc do not have to come to your house, it is not their house it’s yours and they have to respect that. But no reason why you can’t have nice meet ups in a cafe or park or whatever 😊

Respect works both ways - your dc should respect you and your wishes every bit as much as others posters are saying you should respect and accept the wants and decisions of your DC

I think you've been deeply scarred & traumatised by your own past that may - and I do mean may because I don't know you - be colouring your views. That's absolutely understandable. Would you perhaps consider some counselling or talking therapy? It might not be so awful & upsetting for you if you can voice your feelings without judgement.

Sorry, crossed posts with you OP.