I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

I think your kids are being very naive and frankly brutish to try to force this on you. Some of the posts on here show a phenomenal lack of understanding, it’s not just a case of “get therapy and get over it”. If only it was that simple! Forcing the op into this position could be really really damaging for both op and the foster children involved.

I have some second hand experience of the potential impact of fostering (not in a good way, sadly) and I do feel for you, but as unfair as it feels you will need to address the issue in order to maintain a healthy relationship with your DC and DGC.

Can I suggest you look into therapy that will allow to specifically deal with this issue...maybe including your adult DC at some point?

I imagine some of your feelings are about concern for your DGCs which is entirely understandable so perhaps chat to DC about that...maybe you could talk to their social worker and seek reassurance of how placements are made and how they deal with issues.

It's possible they will have short term placements to begin with, so you may be able to navigate those without needing to have those children visiting, but it really wouldn't be right to exclude longer term foster children.

Do you know if your DC is planning to foster via the local authority or via a private company? IME the latter were really helpful during the assessment process but as much use as a chocolate teapot when issues arose with placements. That is just one company of course and I'm sure that's not always the case.

So if you were beaten up by a black child when you were young would you not accept any black children in your home now you’re an adult?

You had some bad experiences as a child. You can blame other children for doing something they’ve not done.

You should be encouraging your children to foster as without foster carers you wouldn’t have been fostered yourself.

Stop being selfish and support your DCs. If you’re struggling over your past then get done therapy instead of taking it out on them.

Massive risk to the relationship between you and your daughter if you continue this view. Fair play to them for not accepting their foster child/children to be treated differently, the poor kids will have been through enough. Of course you’re an adult and clearly have a lot of ongoing trauma BUT these are kids who have been uprooted from their homes and also experienced trauma at likely still young ages without the life experience or opportunities to deal with that trauma, they deserve better than to be placed with foster carers who would accept them being treated differently from their own children. They have made their choice, you are free to make yours.

I can absolutely see where this reaction is coming from but I do think it would be better for you if you could get some help to adjust to this.

What do you imagine your relationship with your son and his family will look like if you won't have any contact with any foster children?

No Sunday lunch
Christmas
Birthdays
Holidays
Days out

You would be limited to the occasional visit during school days or an evening off.

Do you think that you so firmly rejecting their choices will damage this relationship?

You don't have to immerse yourself in their lives but this is quite extreme.

What will you do/say if the assessing social worker wants to interview you? He might not put you down as a reference given your stance but it could be a concern that you are so firmly opposed to knowing the children living with your child.

Apologies, I thought I'd read son but I don't think you've said.

I'm with you op on this. No one can tell you how to feel. I think you might actually manage if they go through the process to slowly allow yourself to meet the kids. But it's you're choice and they are being thoughtless to put it on you.
I wish you all the best

I think whatever good intentions your daughter may have, telling you that you have to suck it up and accept it is not the way to go.

I would not be happy with her attitude at all.

A little empathy for her own mother would not go a miss.

Yours is a real long held trauma.

Your daughter sounds very selective of her kindness.

Have you considered therapy for yourself.

It may well not be an issue depending on the type of fostering your DC want to do. In the case of respite care or crisis placement I’d not expect the children to have much contact with their foster carers extended family - respite care is very short intermittent care and the child has ongoing contact with their family (often still living with them full time), crisis placements are very short notice and the children need time and space to process their removal etc so it would be inappropriate to introduce extended family members.

In medium to longer term placement things might become more tricky but again the children just might not tolerate involvement with extended family. It’s not the same as a child placed for adoption, the placement is often less secure, agencies will maintain contact with the child’s family and be working towards the child ultimately returning to their parents care. That’s a lot for a child to process without then becoming involved with their foster carers extended family and while some will manage that and cope ok, others simply won’t. It also introduces another loss for the child if/when they do move on either back to their own family or into a permanent placement.

Its for you to decide who does or doesn’t come to your home, it’s not unkind to say you can’t cope with building relationships with children fostered by your D.C. It’s not the same as your relationship with your grandchildren, there are many more complexities in those potential relationships for all concerned. You can be kind to the children if you come into contact with them, be supportive of your DC without viewing the children in care as your grandchildren.

They are not Foster children, they are children, so yabu for that, but I think your dc are talking out of their arses. We are Foster carers, and we never told our parents or anyone else how to behave around the children, or made any rules about visits etc. They have no right to force their decisions on you, but you may have to accept that they might not visit you in your home any more once they start fostering. I am sorry you had such a terrible childhood, but can I say that my two Foster dc are beautiful children, and the world and our lives are much better because they are in it.

I think whatever good intentions your daughter may have, telling you that you have to suck it up and accept it is not the way to go.

what would the alternative be though?

Her daughter is an adult and is going to make her own choices so OP either needs to accept that or cut ties with her DD.

It’s not fair her DD should feel guilt tripped into not doing something she wants to do.

OP is an adult and can’t judge children simply because she had bad experiences. Many people have been bullied or abused as children but they don’t then judge every other child.

OP needs to get some professional help or suck it up which sounds harsh but it’s true.

After meeting your childrens foster kids a few times you may find a relationship starting to grow.

Perhaps a specific bond might start to wipe out the generic memories of feeling unsafe, insecure and scared. And in your own time you might open your doors a little wider and still feel safe.

It depends what type of children they want to foster? Long term or emergency? What age range etc…

for example, and this is very hard for me to write… my own darling boy may need to be fostered at some point in the next two years. He is definitely not the type of child you’ve described. He’s very well behaved, shy and wants to please others, especially adults. He’s bright, does all his homework on time, really upset if he gets the occasional ‘behaviour point’. He’s a talented actor and musician, and programmer… and is 11yr old. He has anxiety though, which is hardly surprising. His only misfortune is to have a mother who is dying of cancer, and no other family as they’ve all died too.

He’s not a monster who will be stealing and bullying and traumatising other children. My poor baby will need love and gentleness. He will be grieving and lost terribly alone. He will be traumised, not hurting others.

He will be needing human kindness and searching for warmth in everybodies eyes that he meets.

Perhaps if you meet a child like him, you’ll start to revise your fears, which are based on you being that vulnerable child who needed protection herself years ago. X

yeah OP you should just “acquiesce”.

Don’t you know as middle aged woman your place is to put up and shut up, facilitate and accommodate the wants and desires of others, disregard and neglect your own emotions and needs entirely, oh and while you’re at it, do it all with a smile as well!

Could you handle treating your grandchildren and any kids your DC is fostering the same OUTSIDE of your home? So go to theirs and bring the same treats for everyone? Or meet them for a day out somewhere all together? But your home and your possessions are not involved? So you wouldn’t host Christmas but you might go to theirs and you would buy similar presents for all the kids in the house.

OP I can understand what worries you about having foster children around given your own childhood experiences but, as Pp have said, were you destructive when you were fostered? Did you steal? If not, maybe these children wouldn’t either. I’m no expert but children end up in care for all sorts of reasons and from all sorts of backgrounds besides those you may have come into contact with yourself. You say you have had therapy but perhaps you haven’t specifically looked at the fostering issue fully. As Pp have suggested maybe you could try a gradual introduction to the child(ren) if it gets to the point of your DD actually fostering - neutral territory at first say, then a longer meeting, then at DD’s etc.

I foster a a child who is a lovely boy. He works hard at school and is good at sport and so very kind to others. He can't help being born to two parents who took drugs and did not feed him. Your child may get a child like this. I understand you had a difficult time in the foster system but please don't let that stop you from welcoming a child who could give you ask much l of be and affection. If your child fosters as child of course to they will expect family to treat it equally to their own children. Would you as a child have wanted to be treated lesser? You need to get some counseling about your own childhood and let your child give a loving family to a child that is in need. If you refuse to allow foster child into your home, which you could, you may well lose your own child and dgc.

I'm on your side, OP. You can't do what you can't do, & if this is a step too far for you, well, there it is. Don't feel bad about it (& don't let posters on here make you feel bad about it). We're all at different stages in our lives. I can do things now I couldn't do decades ago; on the other hand there's BS I put up with in the past that wouldn't get a look in for five seconds now. No-one else can decide this stuff for us.

I find your DC's attitude very harsh.

I'm with you on this. It's your house.

I’m so sorry to read this. OP, can you honestly not say you would want your Dd to give a child like this a chance?

As a foster carer I speak with experience.

It is hard, very bloody hard at times to look after traumatised children.

I fully understand how the OP feels that she doesn't want to be involved again in anything to do with the care system and the trauma that may ignite for her.

I hope the assessor for your DC to become a foster carer spends time exploring their attitude towards you with them as they certainly need some training around the lifelong effects of trauma and empathy.

Don’t you know as middle aged woman your place is to put up and shut up, facilitate and accommodate the wants and desires of others, disregard and neglect your own emotions and needs entirely, oh and while you’re at it, do it all with a smile as well!

Oh boo fucking hoo. Imagine if this thread said stepchildren instead of foster children. Mumsnet would collectively shut down from mass hysteria.

These are vulnerable children and OP's child is making the incredibly selfless decision to foster them and give them a better life.

Sure OP, don't let the foster kids into your home and see how long your relationship with your own child lasts. I'm sure they'll love to come and visit. Sorry you had a difficult childhood but you have a chance here to make a human child's life a tiny bit better. This is like kicking the ladder out from under you but in reverse. Everyone should suffer because I suffered.

You should be interviewed by the assessing social worker during your DC’s assessment. It’s really important for foster carers to have a support network - if I was doing this assessment I would see it as a huge barrier that the applicant’s parent felt this way. It would be adding additional pressure to a family, which would make the success of any placements so difficult. I also find it a huge problem that your DC thinks your experiences and wishes are to be disregarded - it doesn’t bode well for them acknowledging the very different views of a foster child. You are not BU - you have every right to put boundaries in place and I’m sorry your DC isn’t more thoughtful and supportive of their own parent.

@QuirkyTurtle
have you been in care?

Agree with PPs, the assessing social worker will interview your DD in depth for many weeks to find out every last detail about their background, your background, the dog, the cat, her friends, her ex partners, the background of every single person in the family likely to come into contact with any looked after children who may be placed with her.

I would be amazed if they didn’t at some point want to speak to you, OP. They will want to ensure your DD has a solid support network around her.

I think they will pick up your reluctance to get involved - and completely understand it. It may affect their success in being approved at panel.

QuirkyTurtle, that was uncalledfor.

And not every foster parent is a selfless wonder. I speak from the experience of knowing a couple as adult-to-adult. They were loathsome. Not everything is black & white.