I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

It's a bit of an extreme reaction?

For a start, the two levels of vulnerability aren't remotely comparable. Traumatised children who need a home and safety versus an adult who needs therapy to manage her childhood trauma (I'm not belittling that, I have PTSD myself after NOT being taken into care, just left with the violent abusive parents)

Then there's the fact that it isn't her decision to foster, it's her adult child's. The only legitimate control the OP has is to ban the foster children from her home and refuse to engage with them. Sadly if she does this, the likely outcome is that she will lose her child and biological grandchildren as well. So it might be better for her as well as for everyone else if she found a way to deal with her past and accept that foster children aren't the enemy.

@Onthelowdown

have you ever been in the care system ? Have you ever experienced developmental trauma?

if the answer is no, then who the hell do you think you are to judge the Op?!

You must remember what it felt like to not feel like you belong anywhere, or aren’t wanted, please don’t make another child feel that way.

Yes. I find it really odd that you seem to want to punish a child for what you suffered, even though that child is presumably in the same situation you were.
Presumably you wanted to feel loved and accepted by your foster family and treated well by their wider family. So why would you want to do the opposite to any foster child that yout DC cares for? Are you jealous that this child will be taking something from you in having a relationship with your child?

This sounds like really complex trauma that needs addressing.

Tbh, bringing vulnerable and potentially traumatised children around a traumatised adult with unresolved issues is not going to end well for anyone at this stage. However, it may be that as you ALL move through the process, your feelings change and you may come to accept the fosterlings in your own time.

Stop bashing OP if you haven't walked in her shoes you cannot possibly understand.

@Onthelowdown That's a pretty nasty response. OP has very clearly stated that this is going to be triggering for her. You clearly don't understand how deep-seated the scarring is. OP will be going in her head to the places these experiences happened.

Their (your DC) life, their decisions.

Worst thing that can happen is the foster child is a total nightmare who steals things from your house and destroys your relationship with your dc, but that'll be on the rocks anyway as you don't agree with what they're doing and that's going to cause friction.

Best outcome is that your dc help a child/children in a desperate situation and give them a chance at a happy life. The reality will be somewhere in the middle, but as you all sound like fundamentally decent people, you'll be closer to the positive outcome than the negative one.

Tell your dc that fostering is no walk in the park, have they fully considered the impact on their own dc and that you have a right to a peaceful life. Then it's up to your dc to respect your boundaries.

I suppose you can do what you want, but equally so can your kids and if you choose to reject their family they’re within their rights to disconnect from you.

Get some therapy to get over your childhood issues. We are crying out for foster carers to help kids that everyone would rather just forget about. Your daughter is doing a wonderful thing. Get behind her or risk alienating her.

People aren't bashing, the OP asked for advice and people are giving it.

OP, the likelihood is that the extended family will be looked at as part of the vetting process, and your attitude could prove a barrier to your child and their partner being accepted as foster parents. Be careful; they may not forgive you if you allow your unresolved trauma to scupper something that may be very important to them.

I get it; I have CPTSD from childhood abuse and lived in terror for almost all of my childhood. There are things that push my buttons too, even after a fuckton of talking therapy and several decades. But this is crunch time; you really are risking losing a part of the healthy, loving family you've built if you don't find a way past this.

You can make whatever choice you want, but in not allowing your child's (currently hypothetical) foster children in the house, you are also choosing to jeopardize your relationship with your child and grandchildren.

Of course they cant leave their FC behind, so in reality, if the FC aren't welcome, neither is the rest of your adults child's family.

I appreciate that its very difficult for you, but your request is frankly cruel to the hypothetical children involved. Having been through that system yourself, I find it sad that you'd be wanting to act so cruelly yourself.

The process will take quite a while, so I'd possibly pursue some therapy in the meantime.

So welcome all the members of the family, or lose your relationship with your child and grandchildren. That's your choice essentially.

Will your adult child be fostering young children or all possible age groups? I can see that foster children who are teenagers may have baggage and be a challenge, but younger ones can be as well behaved & lovely as your grandchildren. The parenting your child gives the foster children will be no different to how they have parented their bio children. Have they been strong, supportive parents who don’t let their children get away with naughtiness? You had awful experiences in care, your child will hopefully show you a different perspective.

This.

I wonder is all of the posters that are leaping to judgement have been involved in the foster system, as a child or adult.

Trauma doesn't disappear as an adult, and the op can choose to have whomever she wants in her house.

I’m so sorry that you had such an awful start in life. I think you urgently need counselling to understand and work through why this is so triggering for you. What you’re talking about doing is rejecting an already rejected and vulnerable child, which your dc rightly identifies is unacceptable. For your own sake and to stop your childhood causing you more pain you need to get help, as the only outcome is further rejection from your own dc - a truly horrible cycle.

So what happens if your child adopts or marries someone in the future with a step child.

are you really going to say an innocent child can’t come to play at your house? Because they are being fostered?

@Mojoj

try reading the OP’s posts

Foster children should be treated like nothing less than full members of the family. I full support your dc’s decision that anything less than full acceptance is unacceptable. If you want to be a part of your grandchildrens lives then I suggest you find a way to deal with it.

How’s your daughter going to respond when the foster DC has a traumatised reaction to something that’s inconvenient for her? This is how it is so get over it?

Also @Mojoj you don’t have to get behind each and every one of your dc’s life choices or risk alienating them you know

Of course she can have whoever she wants in the house but there are likely to be consequences of those decisions so she needs to decide what is manageable and what isn’t and accept the fallout of that.

I don't think you have any right to shame the OP.

Tough one. I understand where you’re coming from - I’ve gone the other way. I’m hoping to foster in the future so I can provide kids with a decent home.

You may feel differently down the line. I wouldn’t make any snap judgements or proclamations just yet.

Yanbu, no one has the right to judge your traumas and tell you how to feel.

Your home, your rules.
You could see your DGC at your DC's home, & get to know the young strangers there.