I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

I think your DC is being unrealistic and dogmatic. Surely the wider family and social contacts of any foster child will depend on the needs of the child and how long the foster placement is for? Some foster kids might have their own family visits to go to. Not unlike siblings with different fathers heading off to separate visits. Unless it's long-term fostering leading to adoption, in which case yes, integrate the whole family. But otherwise, your relationship with your grandchildren should continue uninterrupted, and any wider invitations should only happen at your pace.

The demands your DC is making of you suggests they don't understand the practical realities of fostering, or how challenging it can be.

@AlternativePerspective

id think oh well, cheerio then if you issues with me with that ultimatum as your mother

once again it seems a case of a middle aged woman being seen as utterly unimportant, just there to accommodate everyone else’s wants and wishes. So depressing

This makes no sense whatsoever.

As if they'd ever want the OP to babysit kids that she's so prejudiced against

I imagine hell would freeze over before they allowed that to happen anyway.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/04/2022 18:38
How about you see your dc, gc and foster children outside of your home? And just don’t have any of them come to your home as that is your sanctuary which is completely understandable.

^ this^

sounds like a sensible compromise?

I don't think you have to decide hard and fast boundaries or burn any bridges right now OP. It's unlikely that any foster children would be coming to stay overnight with you straight away anyway - it's not recommended as they need stability. There should be opportunity for you to meet individual children, if it ever happens! and decide on a case by case basis.

Of course YANBU.

Your daughter is being very selfish inflicting her wants onto you and insisting that you play along, especially given your own childhood trauma.

Haven't RTT

I am afraid I agree (and I say this as a foster carer)

I am really sorry for your childhood experiences.

Would you feel able yo see them outside your house OP? If you could see them elsewhere and build up a relationship slowly at your own pace would that work for you? I think it's going to be quite a problem if you don't feel you could see them under any circumstance - is there a compromise you could make?

Was just talking about this to my DP who grew up in foster care.

His view is very much that presumably as you grew up in care you also know what it’s like and to be viewed with suspicion, so how on earth can you transfer that to another innocent child?

You do realise that children don’t choose to go into care?

Incidentally, if your children adopted these children would you refuse to have them in your house as well? Because essentially that would be the same thing. They’d be taking in troubled children into their home, and those children would legally be your grandchildren.

If anyone came on here saying they were adopting and their parents refused to allow those children in their home people would be telling them to go NC. Fostering isn’t really that different other than that it is often (although not always) temporary. The piece of paper doesn’t make any difference to the kind of child which came into your life though, it would still be a child originating in the care system.

Many years ago my mother in law felt she had to tell me that her parents would be getting my children Xmas gifts but my father in laws parents wouldn’t - not that it mattered to me - anyway this was due to the children’s father (in laws son) being adopted after long term fostering. Both sets of parents had been like this throughout my in laws fostering and adopting children - one set treated their fostered or adopted kids the same as their birth ones and one set very differently as they did not agree with fostering or adoption. This was due to what are now considered old fashioned ideas not trauma - however my own mil told me that it wasn’t intentionally awful as such to the child in question, but that it had caused big fall outs in the past but now they had all somehow found a way to just accept each other’s ways. I don’t know if that’s a possibility at all for your family? It’s going to be difficult for all I can imagine but there are options, discussions and hopefully solutions/acceptance amongst that for you all.

Are you trying to explain the system to someone who has lived it?

I'm telling the OP exactly what happened to my two young family members, and how some cuntish parents added to the worst trauma they ever experienced in their young lives.

But as you've read my post, you know that already.

I've not walked your walk, Bitter.
Just wanted to send .
Easy to see why you feel this way.
Easy also to see why your DCs want to do this, possibly as a thank you/ pay it forwards for their mum being a care system survivor.
It's a bit irresistable force / immovable object situation.
Hope you can all find a solution.

And that’s exactly what she can do if she wants to. I’d see telling your children to ‘piss off’ and ‘jog on’ out of your life for being SO DISRESPECTFUL as to become foster parents completely batshit and a bit evil tbh. But of course she’s entitled to cut her children and grandchildren out of her life for doing something kind with theirs. They’re not bulldozing over anything. They’ve made the decision to become foster parents, and have made the op aware that they are not going to be adding to the trauma of these childrens lives by having their extended family treating them like lepers

OP, I think in your situation you are not being unreasonable to say you don’t want further reminders of the trauma you experienced. You aren’t rejecting the children, just what they represent and what they will trigger within you. This isn’t a whim, you’ve had a tough start to life and has scarred you.

Your DC have to do what they need to do and likewise so do you. Not sure if there is an answer to this situation but I think in your position OP, you can only protect yourself.

@Choopi

it makes perfect sense. If OP’s daughter has such a limited understanding and appreciation of the enduring, life long effects of developmental trauma she is highly unlikely to be approved as a foster carer. It doesn’t appear to be the case that she has such a good understanding or she wouldn’t be riding roughshod over her mother and her mothers ongoing responses to developmental trauma.

So later down the line when she fancies a night out or whatever and wants a babysitter she will be calling on OP

This isn't about you. Its about the children that may be fostered. Why would you think your dc are trying to fix your childhood. They will be better off without you judging them.. Do you really expect them to leave the Foster child alone whilst they visit you!.

You aren’t rejecting the children

Errrm yes she is. Before she's even met them, she's rejected them and written them off.

I think the OP's DC going no contact is the best solution for everyone.

I think you should get yourself some therapy . I think you should also wait and see what the Foster child is like. My friend fostered the most adorable children and ended up adopting them... you turned out OK. You might meet children just like you

Will you not be interviewed yourself before they are approved? I speak as an adoptive parent not a foster parent, but our parents and siblings were interviewed as part of the process. Its not necessarily that their views might have stopped us adopting, though I guess that is possible, but more that we as prospective parents should have a clear view of how our decision to adopt might have impacts for wider family, how our support networks might function etc. If your daughter has not been able to think through the implications for you and make peace with them, rather than shout at you, then I cant think she will be judged to have the maturity/insight to be approved as a foster parent. Personally I don't blame you at all. I am fully committed to my adopted son now adult, but I would not do it again if I had my time over. The trouble he has caused for my parents and nephews and nieces has been phenomenal and I can see why you might not willingly revisit that.

So later down the line when she fancies a night out or whatever and wants a babysitter she will be calling on OP

Oh don't be ridiculous. Like the OP is the only babysitter in the whole world? 🙄

No way would they even consider fostering children and leaving them alone with the OP, for any reason.

I think you need to get some help to come to terms with what has happened to you.

But I don't see a way forward if you wont acquiesce.

YANBU. I also think they are being naive. I could be wrong but your refusal to engage may even impact whether they get to be foster parents, as won’t the social workers want to know all the ins and outs of their life/family?

My PILs we’re foster parents whilst my DH was a child and he doesn’t have fond memories tbh. He basically felt a bit pushed out and that he always had to accommodate the foster kids no matter how wrong they acted because they had had a tough start in life. He mostly kept out of the house and said he was only taken notice of, when he was naughty. He left home at 16 to join the army and is quite insecure. He still talks of when a foster kid trashed his amazing fort and he just had to suck it up.

I do feel for all involved really but I guess if you don’t co-operate you run the risk of alienating your family (if they do get approved). It does seem a bit like emotional blackmail but to them they would be doing an amazing thing (which you can’t really argue with). Maybe see how things pan out as it probably takes a while to get approved.

Exactly. No-one decides to foster children to try and fix their mum's childhood FGS.

You will thoroughly interviewed by social services before they can sign themselves up for this anyway. If you’re expected to provide care/family support as part of your daughters contingency plans, social services will want to know your background and how supportive you are of this process. They may still get approved based on you not having contact, and other family members forming the support network, but it may mean that you lose contact with your daughter and your grandchildren.

I think it’s a really tough situation for you all. Of course, in an ideal world you’d welcome your DC’s foster children with open arms. But it’s not an ideal world and trauma works in strange ways.
You’ve had therapy which hasn’t solved your issues with being around children in foster care and, whilst unfortunate, this isn’t your fault.

That being said, your issues aren’t the fault of your daughter’s future foster children either. And I don’t blame your daughter for setting boundaries on how the children entering her family are to be treated. How can she ensure that her foster children feel like equal members of the family if her biological children go see their grandparents regularly whilst they are left behind?

In your shoes I’d look at having more therapy to look specifically at this issue .