I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

This in spades.

That’s of course your choice, but it likely means that you won’t be involved with your grandchildren so much anymore. Are you okay with that and the impact that will have on your relationship with your daughter?

This in spades.

As a foster carer I speak with experience.

It is hard, very bloody hard at times to look after traumatised children.

I fully understand how the OP feels that she doesn't want to be involved again in anything to do with the care system and the trauma that may ignite for her.

I hope the assessor for your DC to become a foster carer spends time exploring their attitude towards you with them as they certainly need some training around the lifelong effects of trauma and empathy.

Finally, a sensible post.

Don't judge all foster children by the experience you have had. They don't all steal etc. Well done to your child for giving another child a home and treating as equal. Good luck to them, it's a shame more people cannot welcome children into their homes.

She doesn't have to put up or shut up. She can make the decision not to have the foster child in her house and see the family outside of her home.

Should the OP DC be guilt tripped into not doing something she clearly feels passionately about because OP is telling HER to put up and shut up?

Trauma is a very complex issue and I feel for the OP. However, her trauma should not affect the life choices of her adult children. As far as I'm aware, the OP hasn't said they'd go NC over not being allowed in the house but if one child isn't allowed, none will so surely a compromise is arranging things outside the house or at their house? Ok, the OP might not like it but her DC also won't like being dictated to when they are trying to help a child out of kindness so I don't see how one of their feelings trumps the other.

Good on your child for treating them as equal to their current children (and so they should)!
Its up to you whether you have them in your home or not, but i hope, and it sounds like the case, that your child insists on either having all the family or none of the family - and that is your choice to make

All of this.

Lots of food for thought here. I was not welcomed by any of my foster parents extended families, but that was fine by me at the time I was just kept away. The damage I received in care was unthinkable and I've been in therapy much of my life to cope with the consequences. I felt I'd left that all in the past now as I wouldn't choose to get involved in fostering myself. It's a difficult one as I do support my children making their own choices, I just wish it didn't impact me. I would hold my hands up and admit I'm not a good candidate to get involved in fostering. My trauma is a lifelong legacy.

OP, I think it's wrong of your DC to try to impose ultimatums around whether or not/when/how you can see your grandchildren. They aren't going about this in the best way.

That said, if they feel called to be a foster parent, I don't think you can begrudge them that, and it's not surprising that they will want to see the foster child(ren) treated as much as equals of their own children as possible.

If you want to continue to see your grandchildren, you'll have to play by your DC's rules, though they shouldn't demand that you have them in your home, if you'd be more comfortable visiting them in their own home. Maybe it won't be as difficult as you fear, since you're now an adult and not entirely at the whim of other people. It may not last long, if you DC finds that fostering is more difficult than they anticipate, or perhaps it will work out wonderfully well and you'll find that you care for the foster child more than you expect.

Good luck.

how dare you tell someone to be ashamed of themselves!

you are on a chat forum, you are not jeremy kyle. Sit down.

Some of the judgemental comments on here are very naive. I speak from experience of being having an adopted sibling into the family. 30 years later and my parents are still managing the trauma my sibling has had to go through. It can be far more complex than many posters here seem to think.
I would hope that the screening process takes into account the extended family opinions and attitudes as a child in the care system needs to be taken into a fully loving and supportive environment. If the OP feels the way (and I fully understand why) she does then her daughters family is probably not the best place for a child to be fostered into.

I completly understand you not wanting to foster or have any involvement with the system but being kind to children who happen to be foster children is a reasonable request. No one gains by you choosing to add to their suffering by treating them poorly or excluding them solely because they are foster children. Your DCs should not expect you to do anything foster care related but accepting children who will be part of their family is a reasonable ask. You can ask your DC to not talk to you about the system or issues they have or any of those details but to step out of all their lives because you decided long ago to have nothing to do with any child in the system seems like a line you should reconsider.

Agree with all of this

sorry you had such a horrible childhood but I have voted YABU. Would you really prefer a fostered child wasn’t treated as equal to your DC’s other children? I have to say it sounds like it would be better for you to not be a part of their lives at all if you feel they strongly, as the child will pick up on your feelings and that’s just an awful situation for a child who has already presumably been through enough.

@0121gmo

not the same though is it? OP has already said her daughter can make her own decision just that she doesn’t want the foster child in her house as it would be triggering of her own childhood trauma. She’s not telling her daughter not to do it

I wonder if your DC have considered the impact of fostering on their own children too? My parents fostered, I was 15 but my younger brother was 11 when they began and ALL the children, without fail, were (of course) very needy and emotionally traumatised. This meant that my parents attention was needed to support the foster children and therefore, sadly, my younger brother didn't get the support he needed at crucial times when he was still very young and also during his gcse's. This led to a chain of events which has affected much of his life. He sought other ways to try and deal with his emotions as he didn't have the support he needed. Its much more complex than just helping some unfortunate children. It's a massive, massive long term commitment. And so it should be of course. Foster children deserve full commitment.

💐

How much have you spoken to your DD over the years, about your experiences, and the effect of them on you now, OP?
Could it be that she genuinely doesn't know how damaged you are, and how triggering this venture is for you?

It seems as though she knows enough to want to save another child going through what you did, but not enough to realise that you have PTSD that is clearly crippling you at this point.

I'm she she's as confused by your reaction as many posters here are (including me initially, but I'm starting to get it now).
I wonder if you can have a really calm, open and honest conversation with her, to open her eyes to just how impossible it is for you to control your reactions at the moment. She needs to know how important she and the GCs are to you, and that you would do anything not to have these instinctive terrors at the idea of a foster child in your home. And that you certainly would never rationally choose an action which would mean you'd lose her and the GCs.

I understand OPs position and have a lot of sympathy, but you can’t allow children to be treated cruelly (and yes refusing to allow them in your home, but doing so with the other kids is cruel) because an adult has trauma. It’s not fair to subject already traumatised children to being treated like second class citizens and not part of the family because OP understandably has unresolved issues.

These are children that need to feel wanted and welcomed and treated like they’re part of the family because they are, being constantly excluded by other members of family is likely to prevent this and cause them considerable distress. If OP’s daughter is willing to take on the role of foster parent then she needs to prioritise these kids and do what’s best for them and that includes not allowing them to be excluded and pushed out.

OP can make her choice of who she allows in her home, but her daughter is allowed to make a choice of who she allows to see her kids.

So sorry for you and your son 💐

Op I feel your pain, I had to overcome a situation that triggered anxiety attacks in order to move forward which was so hard and I didn't think I could but I did and I'm so glad I did it eventually because maybe this could work out better than you think for you and change your feelings.
Whatever you do, don't feel bad about your anxieties/PTSD it's very real for you and you ANBU I would have liked to think your dc would show more empathy especially as a potential foster parent.
Sometimes it's the initial plunge that's the scariest but exposure therapy can be very helpful although you need support at your own pace.

You are not BU as it was a significant and horrendous part of your life. However you must have been an amazing parent for your daughter to want to do that. I guess she wants to share that experience with you ( she just doesn't quite get it. She's never had to. You did an amazing job and protected her)

I'm sorry that you went through such trauma and that you haven't found anything that helps you deal with it. I can't imagine how awful that must be.

Thing is, your child has made their choice and set out their terms. You can accept or reject them, that's up to you. The price is high either way. You have to decide which is worse. 💐

Op, can you please clarify, are you suggesting:

1. ,Any foster children can't come round your house, but you are still willing to meet the effort family (ie including foster kids) outside, or round your adult child's house

2. when you talk above about not accepting/ rejecting 'it', you are being literal in that your don't want anything to do with the disaster children at all. No meeting them outside the house etc either?

The first is a situation which could be managed, so you still maintain w relationship with your child's family. The second would literally mean not seeing your grandchildren again (you can't send send children away when they are inconvenient and your grandchildren can't really visit you if you refuse to also see the fosterlings)