I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

@Yumsyduma You clearly haven't read the thread, because actually the majority AGREE with the OP, sorry, maybe read the thread because apart from a few loud voices, the majority agree with her.

The OP's daughter is the one who lacks empathy and is only thinking of herself. There are many ways to help children in need, fostering is only one of them. And that is the overwhelming majority view of the thread.

Yes. The OP has been through trauma. How nice of you to finally admit it instead of having no empathy for her.

Such a rude and intentionally unkind post.

Why would you be so horrible to someone who has shared her distress about her difficult situation?

Are you very thick? Or just a bully?

I fostered and adopted out of foster care and not in contact with my parents who would not have approved of me fostering. Has it occurred to you that being the child of someone who has this kind of trauma has its own kind of trauma and her Dd is not doing this to hurt her mother, but to make something good out of a bad situation?

Has it occurred to you that there are MANY things her DD can do to 'make something good out of a bad situation' that DOESN'T include fostering?

Has it occurred to you that if the DD was 'traumatised' by her mother being traumatised, she wouldn't do the exact thing that caused the trauma in the first place?

Has it occurred to you that there are MANY things her DD can do to 'make something good out of a bad situation' that DOESN'T include fostering?

@TalkingCat of course it has, and it probably has occurred to her, but she obviously came to the conclusion this is what she wants to do. She wasn’t to know that her mother would feel this way about a foster child in fairness. She may well feel quite blinded sided and surprised this is his her mother feels. She may have thought her mum would think it was a great idea. Unless her mother has told her specifically that she doesn’t want any foster child in her home, I don’t see how she could have known that when considering foster parenting.

Has it occurred to you that if the DD was 'traumatised' by her mother being traumatised, she wouldn't do the exact thing that caused the trauma in the first place?

I don’t really understand this though…if she has any issues of her own from her mums upbringing…then what she’s trying to do is prevent another child feeling the way her mum does. The DDs trauma comes from having a patent raised in foster care who was badly treated, not from giving a foster child a loving home.

At the end of the day, OP is entitled to her feelings, but her DD is also entitled to hers. The fact they clash isn’t anyones fault. I think the answer would maybe lie in some family therapy, but the OP doesn’t appear willing to work with her DD to try and overcome this and I just feel sad for all involved.

You guys are horrible comparing traumatised Foster children to pet spiders who shouldn't be brought to the op's home (being the proverbial arachnophobic). This thread completely got saturated by a few loud voices who assume people who don't agree with op either are not empathetic, or have no experience of fostering or trauma. Op doesn't even engage anymore and anyway doesn't consider anyone who doesn't agree with her. Then there are probably the more considered ones who empathise but think op is being unreasonable... who are the majority

It’s a useful analogy. It wasn’t literally saying foster children are spiders. The point is that exposure therapy isn’t necessarily helpful, in fact it can have catastrophic consequences. It’s dependent upon the individual. It’s very easy to say ‘well you need more therapy/a different therapist/try THIS’ but it’s never as simple as that. Therapy does not promise to be cure, and sometimes it can’t be. Sometimes there is no cure, there’s just living with it.

If OP and her mother have a good relationship it is strange that she would choose to prioritise doing something that is the cause of her mother’s trauma. Is she still doing ‘a good thing’ if it’s deeply hurting a loved one? I‘m not in any position to guess at her motivation, but that is something that will be considered by those assessing her.

it doesn’t matter whether the majority of people think OP is being unreasonable or not, posting on AIBU isn’t signing a contract saying you have to adhere to majority vote. She’s entitled to her boundaries. If the daughter wants to go low or no contact because of this then that’s on her, and I don’t think it’s necessarily OP’s loss.

No it's a terrible analogy.do I really need to spell it out for you? You're comparing children in need of a home to pets. And spiders at that. Op doesn't have a phobia, she has been a Foster child in the past herself (a spider) so instead of being empathetic to foster children, or in your weird world, spiders, she doesn't want them, to the extent that she feels its her right to tell her daughter not to foster. To the extent that her saying no might affect her daughter's right to Foster through social workers, and to the extent that she wouldn't see her grandchildren.

And yes, aibu voting is there for a reason darling.

Wrong. Those that think the OP is reasonable are the majority. You, are the minority. What is horrible are your cold, cruel, nasty posts that lack any empathy for the OP who was a traumatised child.

Do we really need to spell it out for you? It's obvious that you lack any empathy at all whatsoever, so you feel the right to attack the OP. The OP's daughter is the one who will be making sure she won't see the grandchildren. That is all on the vindictive and spiteful daughter. Not on the OP.

I was not comparing children to pets.

I was raising the point that no one would suggest it was appropriate to take a huge spider to the house of an arachnophobe to undertake on the spur of the moment exposure therapy that the arachnophobe neither wanted or had asked for.

Therefore it is an even worse idea to take foster children to OP's house with the idea that regular exposure will sort out OP's trauma responses.

It is a particularly bad idea because doing so is likely to damage already vulnerable children ( the foster children) as well as OP.

It might be that properly supported therapeutic exposure might help but OP's dd is unlikely to be able to offer that. It also wouldn't remove the ethical issue of using the FC for this.

A phobic response and a trauma response aren't identical but they are both instinctive, high stress responses. It isn't responsible to place vulnerable children in the center of a trauma response just because doing so might eventually make someone feel better.

It also isn't okay to insist someone to put themselves through the trauma responses on the grounds that doing so repeatedly may help them or others.

Don’t worry, we get it. Some posters will stretch any phrasing to fit their narrative 🙄

if I required help in spelling, or understanding concepts, I can’t say I’d be rushing for your assistance tbh.

It’s her right to tell her daughter she won’t have foster children in her home. Phobia/trauma - her feelings are the result of trauma inflicted by her own experiences. She may not respond in the way you’d like her to, but so fucking what, frankly. Trauma doesn’t tend to be neat, tidy, or rational. It can’t always be overcome. Haranguing OP won’t change that.

Yes, the reason is to determine the sentiment of the majority of voters. That’s it. OP doesn’t have to take the slightest bit of notice to the results.

Majority? 🤣🤣🤣 Sure. Well in the last few pages you guys are always the same posters attacking everyone who has a different opinion, accusing them of bullying and not showing empathy for poor op.

And very nasty comments too. I'm not a native speaker and you're now making fun of my English? And comparing children to pet spiders. You certainly sound very caring and empathetic towards people. I hope none of you are Foster carers.

Definitely you're not the majority and thank goodness for that. You're just on repeat, posting the same bs over and over. Oh who cares about you? Bye.

Has it occurred to you that being the child of someone who has this kind of trauma has its own kind of trauma and her Dd is not doing this to hurt her mother, but to make something good out of a bad situation?

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Yes, but as I believe Malcom Tucker once said, it's like watching a clown running across a minefield.

Nope. It’s the OPs decision that is meaning she won’t see her grandchild. You can’t put it on her daughter when she says she won’t let a child in their care into her house. She has herself admitted that’s her choice.

I don’t see why. I was a fostered child who was approved to foster. It was great, I adopted 2 kids out of foster care. Best thing I ever did.

This thread really shows how just a couple of relentless dickheads can derail a discussion. "You lack empathy! You lack empathy!" etc etc

You would be very unreasonable to make a vulnerable foster child feel unwanted and unwelcome based on your experiences as a child. I was bullied as a child, it doesn't mean that I am unkind to children who resemble my childhood bully? Because now I am an adult. I'd suggest you need to give this a chance.

If you can't understand what I said & how it relates to the choices facing OP's family (while what you say doesn't), then I can't help you.

‘I’m not a native speaker’

Neither am I, so….

You can be empathetic to both. In fact, understanding why OP wouldn’t be suited to being involved with foster children isn’t just for OP’s sake, but for that of the potential foster children too.

So the DD is putting an unknown, hypothetical foster child above her own mother and threatening to cut her out of her life and her grandchildren’s life if the OP doesn’t give into her demands?

So sorry OP but your DD sounds pretty self absorbed and nasty herself actually. No reflection on you. It’s not usual for children to treat their parents (especially mothers) badly if they have been victims of abuse themselves and are desperate for their children never to feel like they did so they ‘spoil’ them and in return the children sense their ‘weakness’. IME anyway.

Your trauma is deep rooted from childhood and some traumas cannot be overcome however hard we try. We live with it but we don’t ‘get over’ it and certainly forcing someone into a triggering situation can retraumatise them all over again.

I imagine your fear may be that you are seeing yourself and reliving what you went through, when you are seeing a foster child? Perfectly reasonable not to want to relive it all over again.

Therapy does not cure everything!

Your DD could consider respite fostering where children are only with her for short periods thereby negating them having to be involved with you but it sounds like she wouldn’t be open to suggestion about that.

Just let her get on with it. If she’s thinking she can somehow make things right for you through her good deeds by alienating you, that’s up to her to figure out that she’s going about it the wrong way, shockingly so.

Wow, you're a hateful nasty piece of work aren't you. Thank goodness you're not a foster carer. Lets hope you're not a parent either.

Not at all. It is the daughter's deliberate choice to foster when she knows it will mean her mother won't have a relationship with her or grandchildren. The daughter is the one with the power to choose something other than fostering. She is performing an action that will lead to a reaction. Action -> Reaction. You can't pin this on the OP, her daughter is the one making this deliberate choice, leaving OP with no alternative.