I don't want foster children in my house.

[Bitterwounds]

Getting straight to the point, I was brought up in the care system - my parents were violent & neglectful. I moved through several placements and witnessed & experienced many terrible things from the other foster children. My belongings were repeatedly stolen & broken and nothing was ever done about this as it could never be proved who'd done it. I vowed when I left the care system I was out of it for life.

Here's the crunch, my dc (who has 2 dc of their own) has just announced they're going to be foster parents & they've started the process. I told them I don't want any foster children in my house. It's too painful & triggering for me and I dont want to be in that position ever again. They've told me that I've no choice but to welcome the foster child alongside my grandchildren as equals in everything (birthdays/xmas etc). That they won't tolerate my not accepting them. They'll consider the foster child completely equal and that if I reject it I'm rejecting them. For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time. I think they're very naive about what they're getting themselves into. Not to say that it's not commendable what they're trying to do. How do we move forwards? Aibu?

What a vile being you are. It is you who should be ashamed of yourself, thoroughly nast person.

Be careful; they may not forgive you if you allow your unresolved trauma to scupper something that may be very important to them.

OP's unresolved trauma should not be ignored by the DC. She can't just magic it away.

You feel how you feel and so YANBU. Some things in life are so triggering that they're overwhelming to deal with. It's not rational but it's completely understandable. Is there any way you could (with help perhaps) get to the point where you see this situation as a chance for a child to be treated respectfully and fairly by their foster parents so they don't end up having such a traumatic experience as you had? I can understand your reaction but is their any way you could be helped to cope with it?

Get a grip. The Op isnt being nasty and she should not be ashamed of herself. She sounds deeply traumatised by her childhood and unwilling to revisit it in any way.

Op i understand entirely how you feel. How long ago did your Dc let you know they were starting this process? What i mean is, is it possible you will feel differently when you have had chance tp get used to the news and mentally prepare.

For what it's worth, I think my dc is trying to mend my childhood by repeating the process but getting it 'right' this time.

If you are right about this then it is a very deep act of love for you, and for the child that you used to be.

Nevertheless there is no compromise possible if your positions are both so entrenched. You will have to see your grandchildren on their parent’s terms.

Yes but the child/children aren't even in place yet, if they ever will be.

In addition, I don't think any of us are in a position to decide whether or not the OP needs therapy. Perhaps she's had it already, who knows, but who are we to judge that? If it were my mother I wouldn't dream of forcing her to confront her childhood traumas. It's a very cruel and selfish to do.

Oh yes, what disgustingly nasty dc to want to help neglected and abused children, and expect their extended family to not treat them like second class citizens 🙄 and you’re right, they’re not therapists, and they shouldn’t have to be. It’s the op’s responsibility to seek therapy for her issues.

Im sorry for what you have been through.

I haven’t voted but all I would say is that of course you would have to treat the children equally, how could you not? Or don’t have contact with any of them.

Op, you’re OK. It’s called having a boundary and knowing what you can and cannot handle.

It’s a trauma trigger for you and keeping your home free of that trigger I can see is important.

however, I do think you can consider compromises and test your own responses with alternative ways of visiting your children and grandchildren with the foster children and at your own pace.

you don’t have to have them in your house but you could meet them at a park for half an hour. It’s neutral ground, you can leave if it’s too much.

perhaps you and the child that wants to foster children need to consider a family therapy session or more and discuss this with them so they can really understand why you’re fearful and anxious about this and why forcing this on you won’t make it easier.

granted, there’s always the possibility your child isn’t suitable as a foster parent or they realise after the first placement the needs of a foster child are far to big to be able to care for their own children too.

it’s also worth taking into account they might foster kids for respite or for mums who are hospitalised so not necessarily the kinds of traumatised children you had to be around yourself.

as to the foster children, I don’t know what your specifics are with regards to your abuse in and out of care but is there also a worry they might be a mirror to you and being back old memories and feelings of being completely at the mercy of an awful system and adults? That alone can be pretty terrifying to be confronted by someone much like yourself and the reality of just how vulnerable and tiny and abused you were. I know from my own somewhat similar experiences.

As children we were a lot less cared for generally years ago - experiences that now would be subject to safeguarding, therapy, additional support etc we’re just things we went through.
As an adult I have found some experiences very painful to relive through my children. I don’t want to go into it but for example unchecked grooming in a situation for me which when my child went through it was so much more careful and caring.
i wonder if there is a part of you that will find it very difficult to see current foster children being treated with care and affection, which didn’t happen for you?

YANBU. At all. People who have not worked with neglected and damaged children and young people think it's all Little Orphan Annie. It's not. It's tough and you have to be prepared for it.

I have utmost respect for people who take on the responsibility but you have set your own boundaries and they should be respected.

I am so sorry for your childhood experience

Your home, your rules.
You could see your DGC at your DC's home, & get to know the young strangers there.

this sounds a decent compromise. It can be on OP’s terms and at her pace then

I think OP is worrying about the possible consequences she's been told about by her DD if she did that.

The prejudice you have towards foster children (while understandable in a way) makes me very sad OP.

I have two family members (brothers) who grew up in a foster home and whenever they made friends outside of the home, their friend's parents mostly assumed they were 'bad news' and 'trouble', because otherwise why would they have been put into a home in the first place? Their friends were banned from playing with them.

Why were they put in a foster home in the first place? Because their parents died, that's why.

That's all...that's the only reason, and not only did they have to deal with the trauma of that at such a young age ( 6 and 8), but they also had to deal with the hatred, prejudice and disgusting behaviour thrown at them by adults who should've known better.

I think that refusing to have a foster child in your house is ridiculous. You could say you don't want to be left in charge of the foster child for any period of time, but refusing to be in their company or have your dc's family round for a meal etc is simply unkind. There is no risk to you and in fact by having such rigid rules, you are deliberately acting to cause distress and difficulty.

My MIL (now thankfully deceased) and one SIL treated my foster child that we then adopted differently. I never interacted with them again. My DD deserved better. I find it hard to see that someone who was treated badly wants to continue the legacy of treating foster children badly

The posters so in favour of 'providing a loving home for a child' - write off tonight, get yourself set up for fostering/ adopting - put your money where your mouth is.

Ridiculous to make glib 'kind' solutions to complex situations.

Hopefully you have other DCs who do consider your feelings OP.

It's your choice at the end of the day just as it is your childs choice whether or not they cut you out of their life if you don't accept their family.

@Ihatethenewlook

if my dc told me I had to accept something or else, or else they’d go no contact with me, I’d tell them to jog on, happy for them to piss off out of my life if they’re going to have so little respect.

OP’s children are bulldozing over their mothers childhood trauma- they don’t sound all that caring and kind to me.

oh and if you care to read OPs post you will see she has already had lots of therapy already

They should crack ok then! Sure she’ll change her tune when she wants her DC babysitting

Crack on I mean

Are you trying to explain the system to someone who has lived it?

This. I find the posters comment above yours fucking disgusting. Taking the piss out of damaged kids because they’re not ‘little orphaned Annie’s’. I was in care for 4 years after being horribly abused from ages 2-12. I must be lucky in that I didn’t share homes with the apparently vile children that people on here think foster kids are. My first foster carer adored me so much that within 3 months of me being there she asked if she could adopt me (my family wouldn’t allow it). The only vile people I came across were some of my other foster ‘carers’ I ended up with after the first one became too ill to care for me :/

How do you feel about visiting them, can you explain your house is your sanctuary and the memories this will throw up.