To think that introverts don't need "bringing out their shell!" 🙄

[MrsVillanelle]

Hi,

So this is something that has really irritated me recently. I don't really see myself as an extrovert or introvert tbh. Maybe somewhere in between. However, my dp is definitely an introvert, but a confident and successful one, which shouldn't really be seen as surprising or contradictive, but in our society, loud and extroverted characters, seem to be viewed as the ones who make it to the top.

I was watching an episode of Four in a Bed the other day and a couple of the contestants were dancing around and singing. One of the women looked happy enough, but didn't want to dance....which should be fine, but this other couple were saying quite seriously, as though she really needed their help "she's lovely, but we need to bring her out her shell a bit". I just thought, erm..why?! You actually hear that sort of thing all the time, but when you step back and think about it, how rude is that?! People don't need to be shouting, doing karaoke and dancing around to be "out their shell". These people may very well be out their shell and perfectly happy as they are.

Not sure I'm explaining very well why this annoys me so much 😂 but does anyone know what I mean?

It's such a bizarre way of thinking.

Someone literally said that on this thread.

I can relate 1000% to this. Sucks, doesn't it. 😣

Some extroverts always say such things like that about introverts, not giving a shit that it's hurtful.

These kind of people are just knobs. Can't change them, they will forever be twats. Usually stupid too, but they can't help it.

Hooting! 🤣

It does. People should make an effort to get to know their colleagues etc a little. Otherwise no friends will be made; no bonds will be formed; and going about life would be quite award as you would only speak out of necessity or to ask a favour (which you couldn’t then blame people for not wanting to do given you barely acknowledge them). Very few people exist in a self sufficient bubble.

*awkward

but that is because they ARE, literally, introverts ..that’s the hope point of what it means to be an introvert…there’s a lot of deep thinking and analysing while the extroverts are interacting

That is very much not what it means to be an introvert, and is the kind of generalisation about extroverts that comes across as both superior and rude. Being a deep and analytical thinker (or not) has nothing to do with being introverted or extroverted.

Deep thinking and analysing what?

The people acting like it's perfectly acceptable to sit in silence at a social event are talking nonsense and are deluded. It isn't acceptable. If you want some alone time, go to the library, go to the cinema on your own, or stay at home and read a book. Don't go to a social event like a dinner party, barbecue or someone's birthday drinks and make everyone else feel awkward and bad because you think you're too special and important to fulfil your end of the social contract.*

So if we don't like small talk, or rather finish with small talk and don't feel the need to drag it out, or don't want to make new friends then we should lock ourselves away where there are no other people just because YOU only want to be around people up for endless chatting.

And we're deluded?? Ffs 🤦‍♀️ what happened to letting people be - if you're that much of a social butterfly then I'm sure at such events you'll find someone else on the same wavelength without having to push people to engage in something they don't want to.

Don't fall into mistaking introversion for other traits.

Over analysis of interactions, remembering negative interactions from years ago, worrying about upcoming social engagements etc etc.

That's social phobia / asocial / social anxiety.

I’m finding there’s more prejudice against quiet people than ever before. More pressure tp be social, more pressure to be friends at work as @Organictangerine says there, to the extent that people believe you can’t work without being the kind of person who drones on and on: typically where I am about getting drunk and a lot of sexist “banter”. Curiously and conversely, I am also noting in those same people a reducing capability to actually communicate needed information, lower emphasis on the ability to describe anything, or train effectively, or organise anything…
I find signal to noise ratio drops through the floor as pressure to socialise over actually doing jobs increases.

Schools are particularly bad for promoting this viewpoint too. They seem to actively encourage what they call “social relationships” over actual learning, knowledge and skills.

They seem to be totally unaware of the link between “social relationships” and ‘power relationships’, of eg class, economics, sex relations, etc, even as all those problems increase.

I’m finding there’s more prejudice against quiet people than ever before

Nah. The internet has massively evened the balance away from extroversion. You could argue there's a new wave of anti-intellectualism, but that's a different argument.

@pixie5121

Sorry, but going to something like a wedding or a barbecue and sitting there in silence is pig ignorant and selfish. If you're not capable of emerging from your comfort zone, then don't go. Nobody is forcing you.

No one is forcing you to go either. You could always go and find other people to talk to at such events. You really don't need to force yourself on other people, in fact, I'd regard it as rude, pig ignorant and selfish when other people don't read the signs and continue virtually bullying quieter people into unwanted conversations etc. You really need to get a grip and accept that some people are perfectly happy just taking in the atmosphere and observing at a wedding or barbecue.

I agree. I always got the "she's too quiet" on my school reports and parents' evenings. Didn't make any difference, didn't "improve" my quietness.

My son got the same when he started secondary. For the first few teachers who said it, we just nodded along, but then we met the head of year and asked her about him, and she said he was fine and would always answer questions when asked, etc, so I mentioned what other teachers had said and she told us to challenge them and ask them about his performance etc., so we did for the next one who mentioned it - we asked explicitly why it was a problem and whether he answered when asked, and he admitted that DS did answer questions, put his hand up, produced good work etc., so we challenged him why it was a problem but he couldn't answer!

People like you are always talked badly about behind your back and deservedly so. If someone came to an event or party of mine and didn't say one word to me they would never be invited back. Nobody has to be loud or chatty - I'm certainly not - but it's unforgivable not to make a token effort. It annoys me that as an introvert I often get lumped in with people like you, who are actually genuinely rude.

Wow! At that first sentence. And I think you're now missing the point of what you and some others were first talking about (small talk, not silence). If I went to an event of yours I would be going because A. We would be friends (no small talk needed, we're friends) or B. Supporting as a plus 1 (who i would talk to, no silence) and I may engage in a bit of small talk with the host depending on that small talk and the vibe. What I wouldn't do is continue to engage in said small talk unnecessarily and filling in silences for the sake of talking, just so as not to make the people who don't like silences not feel awkward. I'm really not sure what part of "just because it's not your thing doesn't mean we're wrong, rude or awkward" you aren't getting. It's not hurting anybody and if it is, well I'm afraid it's those people that need to get over themselves and stop thinking they are superior and important.

These personality types definitely exist. The terms are widely misunderstood and misused by the general public as are many theories used to explain human behaviour (the Oedipal complex being another).

I am definitely an introvert - more than a few hours with other people and I am worn out, however I am not shy and I don't lack confidence. I just thrive on being on my own. I have a good friend (who isn't particularly confident, she has a lot of self doubt). She can't spend more than 3/4 hours without company - she needs to be surrounded by other people to feel content and energised whereas that amount of social interaction would exhaust me - she is a classic extrovert. Neither type is better or worse than the other.

There is nothing wrong with being quiet or preferring your own company. I’m married to someone who is like this. I also work with people like this.

However, the introverts who “despise small talk” do come across as being superior because they give the impression it is beneath them. I view “small talk” as a way of breaking the ice before you can discuss something that is mutually interesting. I think it is a skill that develops as you become more confident in yourself.

I enjoy companionable silence with people I am comfortable with, but in some social situations a stony silence is uncomfortable.

I think it is important that children are brought out of their shell by their parents, as they shouldn't live a life full of crippling anxiety due to a fear of socialising/speaking aloud etc. However, an adult who has made a conscious decision can live the life they wish to lead and if that is a more introverted one, then fine.