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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here????

438 replies

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 09:46

A few weeks ago I bought my step son a personalised jacket to wear for his 8th birthday party that he's having at his mother's who he lives.

I found out yesterday that she didn't put it on him because apparently it wasn't spelt correctly so he wore something else.

AIBU to call her disrespectful by not putting it on him to wear? She didn't even let us know he wouldn't be wearing it or say thank you for us buying it for him or anything. She said she didn't ask us to buy it and because my step son already said thank you she doesn't think she needs to.
What annoyed me most is she didn't even give it back to us until I had to ASK for it back.

My OH thinks I'm overreacting but I can't help but feel so offended.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 27/04/2022 17:28

QuirkyTurtle · 27/04/2022 17:22

This is off topic but I've seen this term thrown around but have no idea what it means. What's a reverse?

Show quote history

It's when the OP pretends they are the opposite person in the scenario, so for in this case it would the OP is actually the childs mother pretending she's the Step mother

Mummumtum · 27/04/2022 17:29

when my child was 8 they’d have died of embarrassment at a personalised jacket for their birthday

if my child was given anything to wear with such a rubbish spelling error there’s zero chance I’d let them
wear it

i don’t thank my child’s dad & step mum for gifts any more than they would thank me. It’s odd.

I wouldn’t be happy if step mum sent something specifically to be worn for an occasion at my house.

sent it back for a refund, the error is totally unacceptable

YABU

grlwhowrites · 27/04/2022 17:32

I would never put a child in something that was spelt wrong - whether it's "the thought that counts" or not, it's just not something I could entertain. SPaG isn't as big of a deal to some people as it is to others but there's no way I'd put an impressionable child in something with an incorrect word. Though, I would have been nervous to return it to you as I'd be worried about coming across as patronising or looking like I was just being difficult. Maybe that's what SS's DM was thinking and could be why she never said anything?
I'd also say thanks to anyone who got my child a gift but at the same time, if SS had already said it you, I wouldn't then expect extra thanks from his DM as well - especially when, as you said, you hardly know her. We're all different and just because someone responds differently to you doesn't mean it's a slight. Sorry but I think YABU.

Hont1986 · 27/04/2022 17:32

What's a reverse?

A reverse is when someone posts from the perspective of someone else in their story, usually the person 'opposing' the real OP. e.g. someone pretends to be their MIL and posts asking if 'DIL' is being unreasonable by not bringing the grandchildren round often enough.

You can usually sniff them out because the real OP's bias rarely lets them write the post in a realistic way. They usually include details or justifications that a real poster wouldn't.

Moser85 · 27/04/2022 17:35

i don’t thank my child’s dad & step mum for gifts any more than they would thank me. It’s odd.

Yes it's so strange if someone thinks the other parent and stepmum should be thanked.
I don't thank my ex if he buys the kids birthday presents. He doesn't thank me when I buy the kids birthday presents.

If he had another baby with someone else and I bought presents then I'm sure he would say thank you because that actually is a gift from me to them.

Likewise if I had a baby and he bought a present I would say thank you.

But for the children we share...saying thank you is odd.

Riverlee · 27/04/2022 17:36

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 27/04/2022 09:57

You don’t get to choose what your partners children wear especially when they aren’t even with you.

From the first page - this.

Not disrespectful, and stepson had thanked you.

Coldnoseandtoes · 27/04/2022 17:38

If I was her I'd feel a little irked that you'd bought a "gift" that you decided when he should wear. As you say, you bought it for him to wear at his party. You overstepped the boundary. And as lots of PP have said, I couldn't look past the grammar error, it's a glaringly obvious one.

Parentcarerandcrazy · 27/04/2022 17:43

I would be mortified if someone bought one of my kids that jacket - it's absolutely not to my taste, its spelt wrong (I can't abide bad spelling), and also, what a ridiculous waste of money for something they can wear once.
Please tell me you wouldn't take him out in public in a jacket with his name plastered all over it?
I think you've had what you think is a great, fun idea and projected it onto your stepchild and his mum (I mean, you weren't there so it was mums day with him, to celebrate with him in her own way).

Mellowyellow222 · 27/04/2022 17:48

OP you are not coming across well here at all. I’d say there have been many incidents when you have behaved unreasonably.

you also seem focused on her showing you respect. In my experience when people talk about others not showing them respect they have become stuck in a position where they are always right and they often can’t see it from the other persons perspective.

in this case your husband is right - you are in the wrong.

Original poster
WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 17:59

I will admit that I didnt think about the name being on clothes as being a potential safety thing, thats fair enough.

I did let SS know I bought him a jacket for his birthday about a week before hand and I just assumed he would of told his mother about it. But again I'm not trying to dictate what he wears of course not.
I think its best if we leave it there now.

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 27/04/2022 18:13

Would have not would of. OP I can see why the child’s mother was concerned about grammar!

and surely the whole point of this thread was you being annoyed that your step son wasn’t dressed in the jacket for his birthday? How are you not trying to dictate what he wore?

WhackingPhoenix · 27/04/2022 18:16

I wouldn’t have put a child in a jacket that said “your 8 today”, either. Sorry 😬🤭

Bobbins36 · 27/04/2022 18:22

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 17:59

I will admit that I didnt think about the name being on clothes as being a potential safety thing, thats fair enough.

I did let SS know I bought him a jacket for his birthday about a week before hand and I just assumed he would of told his mother about it. But again I'm not trying to dictate what he wears of course not.
I think its best if we leave it there now.

would have not would of told his mum. Enough shockers here to keep my inner grammar pedant busy for a while 🤪🙄

Moodycow78 · 27/04/2022 18:27

Honestly I'm sorry you're getting a hard time I'm sure you were probably trying to be nice but I can't help but feel really really sorry for your DSSs mum 🤣🤣🤣 poor love

Lovemusic33 · 27/04/2022 18:27

I wouldn’t want my child wearing something with his name spelt wrong in it either 😬, how do you manage to get your child’s name wrong, surely your dh knows how to spell his own sons name?

YABU

Memyselfandfood · 27/04/2022 18:27

I’m not sure op.
maybe at age 8 as the child is now old enough to thank you im not sure mom does need to thank you, it’s the child’s gifts.
i’m sorry, but i wouldn’t have used the coat, i’d have been embarrassed.
if it had been a very little one ( child not old enough to thank you) i’d still have thanked you, but not used it around people.

godmum56 · 27/04/2022 18:28

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 09:57

OK just to clarify some things:

The jacket has the words "NAME your 8 today!"

I'm not necessarily annoyed that he didn't wear it if HE chose not to wear it, it's more that she didn't bother to let us know there was a spelling mistake or that he wouldn't actually wear it for his party, and that she just kept it. He obviously isn't going to wear it at hers so why not just give it back?

how did you not notice that? also Imo 8 is a little old for that kind of clothing

godmum56 · 27/04/2022 18:28

how did you not notice that? also Imo 8 is a little old for that kind of clothing

Antarcticant · 27/04/2022 18:33

RTFT - it was not the name that was incorrect. It was a common grammatical error - 'your eight' instead of 'you're eight'.

Fuuuuuckit · 27/04/2022 18:33

I've taught 8 year olds about apostrophes. He might very well have pointed out YOUR grammatical mistake himself, and been too embarrassed to wear it HIMSELF.

YABBVVU. And grammar matters. Learn from your mistake.

Unless it's a reverse, in which case high 5 OP! Good on you, wouldn't want to showy dc off in something that folk would judge ME for.

Antarcticant · 27/04/2022 18:34

Sorry, that was to @Lovemusic33

Mellowyellow222 · 27/04/2022 18:38

Memyselfandfood · 27/04/2022 18:27

I’m not sure op.
maybe at age 8 as the child is now old enough to thank you im not sure mom does need to thank you, it’s the child’s gifts.
i’m sorry, but i wouldn’t have used the coat, i’d have been embarrassed.
if it had been a very little one ( child not old enough to thank you) i’d still have thanked you, but not used it around people.

does one parent really need to thank the other parent for birthday gifts?

I assume this was form OP and her husband? Why it is the mothers job to say thank you to another parent on behalf of the child?

if the step mother bought it without the fathers involvement - again why does the mother have to thank her. If the child is incapable of saying thank you and the step mother believes a parent should say thank you on that child behalf surely the father, her husband, should thank her?

OP is only making an issue of the thank you brocade she has this weird fixation on being shown respect by her step child’s mother.

Moser85 · 27/04/2022 18:58

She got gifts from SS to my children when they were born and I always thanked her for it, and I think it's a bit unreasonable that she didn't show the same respect back.

I've already said that parents don't thank the other parent for presents, but just read this sentence again and it's crazy that you think you are the respectful one in this situation.

Her buying presents when you had a baby was lovely and not necessary at all. Many people wouldn't do that so it was very kind.

Stepparents do buy presents for their stepkids or joint gifts from them and the other parent. It's expected . It's something that parents/stepparents do. Not a kind gesture!

The fact that you equate the 2, and somehow think you are the the kinder, more respectful one (along with all of the other things that you interpret wrong) suggests you have zero social skills when it comes to being a stepparent.

The language you use to describe the situation..."confronted"..."her excuse" is just wild, I would imagine you make the poor womans life a nightmare!!

SomersetONeil · 27/04/2022 19:31

The fact that this isn’t a reverse is blowing my tiny mind. Grin

The OP has managed, with her own words, to paint herself as unreasonable, ridiculous and so many other things - and seemingly isn’t even aware of it….

PinkSyCo · 27/04/2022 20:15

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 13:27

I'm sorry but I can't believe this many people would be so petty as to not put their child in something that was gifted to them all because of an apostrophe.

He can wear the jacket here for when he's playing around the house, that's why I want it back. At least hell get some use out of it here.

If I buy my friends child a present, my friend will thank me personally as well as the child. I don't think I'm BU to expect a simple thank you tbh.

You really don’t like apostrophes do you OP?
As for your post I really think you’re sorry YOUR making a mountain out of a molehill. No one has to wear something just because someone bought it for them. Your stepson’s mum probably already had something picked out for her dc to wear on his special day. And her not giving you the jacket back and pointing out the lack of punctuation was the polite thing to do in my opinion.