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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here????

438 replies

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 09:46

A few weeks ago I bought my step son a personalised jacket to wear for his 8th birthday party that he's having at his mother's who he lives.

I found out yesterday that she didn't put it on him because apparently it wasn't spelt correctly so he wore something else.

AIBU to call her disrespectful by not putting it on him to wear? She didn't even let us know he wouldn't be wearing it or say thank you for us buying it for him or anything. She said she didn't ask us to buy it and because my step son already said thank you she doesn't think she needs to.
What annoyed me most is she didn't even give it back to us until I had to ASK for it back.

My OH thinks I'm overreacting but I can't help but feel so offended.

OP posts:
TooManyPJs · 27/04/2022 15:41

YABU What a weird gift. Why not it's get a badge? A jacket that can only be worn on one day is very wasteful.

And I wouldn't want to put my child in something with a spelling error like that. Looks naff. Tbh the whole idea is naff. Although if he had been really keen I'd have let him wear it.

Very odd that you expect his mum to thank you!?!? You didn't buy her a gift. The thanks of course would come from the child. You know the one who had already to thanked you!

TooManyPJs · 27/04/2022 15:43

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 14:30

I bought it as a fun little gift specifically for his birthday so I know its not exactly something he can wear for very long but I still think it would of been more respectful to say "he won't be wearing it but thanks anyway".
She got gifts from SS to my children when they were born and I always thanked her for it, and I think it's a bit unreasonable that she didn't show the same respect back.

And to the people saying I hate her, I don't hate her I hardly even know her, this has just rubbed me the wrong way.

That's completely different. If your children had just been born they are unable to either be thankful or say thanks so you do it on their behalf. When children are old enough they express their thanks directly.

Pixiedust1234 · 27/04/2022 15:49

Going to join in with the vast majority and say you are in the wrong, on so many levels.

Why? Just re-read all the previous posts.

If you want thanks then get the child's father to thank you.

Rachie1973 · 27/04/2022 15:52

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 11:02

I'm actually shocked at how nasty some of these replies are.

I'm not trying to "dictate" what my SS wears and he was actually the one who asked for something personalised for his birthday. I just thought it was disrespectful, why not just let us know that it's not spelled right? Or a thanks but he won't be wearing it.
I'd rather have it back than it sit and not get worn at hers.

Perhaps she didn’t want to embarrass you by pointing it out? It was a ‘one day thing’ and need never have been mentioned again.

I don’t think she’s been disrespectful, I would never go behind my kids thanking people again. There’s just no need.

also I wouldn’t return a gift that was given to my child. HIS gift, you don’t get to dictate when or where he keeps it or wears it.

SecretPineapple · 27/04/2022 15:55

If a child asks for something personalised for their birthday it's unlikely they mean something that tells them how old they are today. Because at 8 they already know how old they are today.
He probably meant an item he could use that has his name on. Which is what 'personalised' usually means.
I always used to want something with my name on as a child because I have an unusual name and could never find anything with it on!

SeasonFinale · 27/04/2022 16:05

You are missing so many points.

DSS said thank you. When you thanked her for baby gifts they were babies who couldn't say thank you.

It was DSS party that she was running. You do not get to choose what he wears to a party she is holding. she does with DSS.

You state "when you confronted her about it" - there is simply no need to confront her about that or anything relating to her child's party that she is holding and what he wears to it.

Just because you wouldn't care about a spelling error doesn't mean she shouldn't. I assume you proofread before they made it and passed it otherwise you would have asked them to correct it.

I wouldn't want people to think I had made such a simple error at an event I was holding and think I was ok letting my child think that was the correct spelling.

afuckinggoat · 27/04/2022 16:09

SockFluffInTheBath · 27/04/2022 14:35

Is no one complaining about it being completely environmentally unethical to have a jacket that can only be worn once?

This!

A single use jacket has to be the one of the most disgusting example of throw away culture.

The grammatical error is also unforgivable. My toddler was given a Joules top which had descriptions of dinosaurs in tiny writing, "The Parasaurolophus had a crest on it's head."

Those erroneous apostrophes gave me the grammar shudders, despite the fact your have to be extremely close to read it.

Moser85 · 27/04/2022 16:18

You're completely in the wrong.

He didn't want to wear it so how on earth can she be disrespectful?

She didn't need to thank you, do you and the childs dad thank her every time she buys something for her child??

Also weird to ask for it back. I'd never assume someone wanted something personalised back!

Why would you get a jacket that says 8 today...instead of something just personalised with his name on it?

She got gifts from SS to my children when they were born and I always thanked her for it, and I think it's a bit unreasonable that she didn't show the same respect back.

Of course you should thank her for that, that was very kind of her.

You're acting as SM though to her kids so it's odd to make a huge deal out of being thanked, as I already asked, do you and your partner thank her every time she buys something for the child?

lanthanum · 27/04/2022 16:22

I think they were probably trying to avoid being rude - most people would be really offended/embarrassed to have the error pointed out. He thanked you for the jacket. She probably didn't want to start another conversation about it because that would make it more likely that the embarrassment of the spelling mistake would come out.

Chattanooger · 27/04/2022 16:22

YABU. You bought a present for SS and he thanked you for it. You didn’t buy her a gift. Do you expect your DH to thank you too as he’s also his parent? You and DH (as a family unit) should be buying SS presents, so there’s no reason for her to be grateful you are. She isn’t required to buy for your kids, so you are right to be thankful for that.

And she doesn’t need to explain what she’s dressing her kid on in her time. Even without the spelling mistake. It just so happens that she had a specific reason not to put him in it (the spelling mistake).

I was taught to gratefully receive gifts even if I didn’t like them, not point out the mistakes and why I won’t wear it. Maybe she thinks the same.

I suppose she could’ve made him wear it just for a photo for you…

JeSuisFattyGay · 27/04/2022 16:26

Aquamarine1029 · 27/04/2022 10:01

"Your" instead of "you're?" I would have burned it. Like hell I'd let my child wear that.

Same here.

Singlebutmarried · 27/04/2022 16:26

Yep. YABU

Child said thank you, you didn’t proof read whatever request you sent in, it’s excessively wasteful for a ‘one time use’ item to be a jacket, and you don’t dictate what someone else’s child wears at all. Step son or not.

Hollaho · 27/04/2022 16:34

I'm sorry, but it's actually my pet hate... Your/you're & there/their/they're. These all mean different things. I think the grammatical error is separate from the thanking.
I'd probably say 'thanks, but did you know there was an error? You might want to check with where you had it made, for a correction.'
Get it back, unpick the embroidery, let him wear the jacket for playing at yours.

Anewdaydawns · 27/04/2022 16:41

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 09:57

OK just to clarify some things:

The jacket has the words "NAME your 8 today!"

I'm not necessarily annoyed that he didn't wear it if HE chose not to wear it, it's more that she didn't bother to let us know there was a spelling mistake or that he wouldn't actually wear it for his party, and that she just kept it. He obviously isn't going to wear it at hers so why not just give it back?

There's nothing right about that, not even his name since many parents wouldn't want their child walking about in something that had their first name emblazoned on it. Did you or your OH check that such a gift would be OK with her before it was bought? No wonder he didn't want to wear it and she didn't push him - imagine the comments from other children and adults who saw it either on the day or in subsequent photos. I don't know what possessed you to buy something that he could only have worn on that day anyway.

It wasn't for her to tell you about the mistake, you should have checked the jacket yourself before you handed it over. What would you have said if she'd 'phoned and said he wouldn't be wearing it because of the mistake? Given that you've said it was "a tiny little spelling error but I don't think it was that big of a deal", I bet you'd have been annoyed at her criticising your standard of English and said she was being petty. The thing about her not thanking you - why should she? You weren't doing something for her, you did it for her son (perhaps also as a show-off thing for yourself) and she doesn't have to thank you when he did.

Your OH is correct. In all honesty, it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to find fault with her. She saved him from being mocked by other children and you from being mocked by other adults. Whatever other issues you might have with her, this is nothing to be offended about.

LemonDrizzleSlice · 27/04/2022 16:43

I smell passive aggression here.

You wanted in on the party she was giving him, by way of him wearing the jacket you had given him. No WAY would I dress my child in something with such a blatant agenda! Your little attempt to exert control would not have been appreciated.

And as for the grammatical mistake - ouch. Never, ever would it grace my child's shoulders.

Hutchy16 · 27/04/2022 16:47

Absolutely no way in a million years would my child be wearing something with a spelling error…not at all. It would look like I was too stupid to get it right, or that I knew I wasn’t great at spelling (or had dyslexia) but didn’t care enough about him to bother getting someone to proof read it for me (considering your and you’re are commonly mixed up)

If I were his mum I would have spent the day embarrassed and explaining that it was his step mum’s fault not mine, and it would just ruin my day worrying about what people thought.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/04/2022 16:52

WorriedWelshy · 27/04/2022 13:27

I'm sorry but I can't believe this many people would be so petty as to not put their child in something that was gifted to them all because of an apostrophe.

He can wear the jacket here for when he's playing around the house, that's why I want it back. At least hell get some use out of it here.

If I buy my friends child a present, my friend will thank me personally as well as the child. I don't think I'm BU to expect a simple thank you tbh.

It's not just the apostrophe.

YOUR - belonging to you
YOU'RE - abbreviation of "You Are"

So not only is it missing the apostrophe, it's still not correct until it's fixed!

AlwaysLatte · 27/04/2022 16:55

YABU. He has a choice about what he wants to wear, and perhaps he didn't want her 'putting it on him'. It's a pretty embarrassing situation to be in front of all of your friends with you name wrongly spelt, emblazoned across your chest! Ask him if he wants another one or something different - presumably you can get your money back for the printer's error?

Luculentus · 27/04/2022 17:14

That's not a tiny little spelling error, it's a dirty great grammar error. Poor kid, if he wore the jacket he would be laughed at and it would never be forgotten. Didn't you notice it? It's not "just an apostrophe", it's the difference between one word meaning "belonging to you" and another being a short form of "you are". What was written was a nonsense, effectively it said "8 things belonging to you today".

She got gifts from SS to my children when they were born and I always thanked her for it, and I think it's a bit unreasonable that she didn't show the same respect back.

There's an obvious difference, though, isn't there? Your children were unable to thank her when they were born so you thanked her on their behalf. Your stepson is fully able to thank you of his own accord.

You need to take the jacket back to the shop and get your money back, not try to make your stepson wear it.

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 27/04/2022 17:16

I will never understand why arrogant people like this even bother posting when they will never admit to being unreasonable.
You are in the wrong, OP. Go get some help for your anger issues.

Mouldyfeet · 27/04/2022 17:18

No way would I put my son in a jacket that had been spelt incorrectly. He'd not want to be put in it either!!

QuirkyTurtle · 27/04/2022 17:22

Shamoo · 27/04/2022 13:10

This is presumably a reverse

This is off topic but I've seen this term thrown around but have no idea what it means. What's a reverse?

SpinMeRightRoundBabyRightRound · 27/04/2022 17:27

A post written by someone pretending to be someone else, usually making that someone else as unreasonable as possible 😉

Mellowyellow222 · 27/04/2022 17:27

I would never dress a child in that jacket. Every parent would notice the mistake and think I had made it. How embarrassing. It’s also an odd thing to buy a child if that age. Maybe a one year old - but not 8.

also does your husband thank us ex wife for every present she buys their son?

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 27/04/2022 17:27

QuirkyTurtle · 27/04/2022 17:22

This is off topic but I've seen this term thrown around but have no idea what it means. What's a reverse?

Show quote history

In this case op would be the mum, posting from the pov of the stepmother if it were a reverse.