Are you or do you know a traditional wife?

[Juniper68]

Just watching Stacey Dooley staying at the trad wife's home. I didn't realise there were so many of them?
I really liked the wife and dcs. The dh not so much. Choosing the wife's clothes. Making dcs wear something heavy on their back if they've been naughty 😮
I'm not against being a sahm. But him calling all the shots is so controlling.

I don't 'obey' my husband mindlessly, but also I wouldn't speak disrespectfully to him or undermine him either. If I didn't agree with something he was saying I would hear him out and then suggest ways he might want to think about that

And does he do you the same courtesy?

I know someone who wouldn't describe herself as such but does have a very traditional marriage in that husband works and deals with finances and she takes care of the home. It wouldn't work for me but it works for them and they seem very happy.

That's appalling and yes very creepy 😳
I'll have to try and find it.

One thing that did make me wonder on that programme, was that Stacey Dooley made some comment to the wife about her being quite active on social media about why feminism has gone to far (or something like that). It strikes me, that some women go about promoting their 'trad wife' identity on social media as if it's a career - while claiming they don't have a career! Strikes me that they must spend more time online than doing the housework they are going in about 😀A quick look on YouTube will show some women who make countless videos about their 'lifestyle.' It just seems a bit gimmicky to me and yes, possibly fetishistic.

Meanwhile, in real life, it's quite normal in some cultures to refer (or relate) to you husband as the head of the household. I have many friends who would say this quite openly. But it doesn't mean they are downtrodden women. Being head of the household means that in making decisions, you have to put the family needs above your own. It's not about being selfish or dictating and if that's what your husband is doing, you have married the wrong man basically. Also, none of these husbands (including mine) want a wife who is a housework drudge. They leave it to the wives to organise the help they need.

So I can totally understand why a traditional marriage (in terms of roles / focus) might seem horrific to many women. I accept that. But personally, I'd be horrified being married to a man who expected me to have a baby and then get back to work at the earliest opportunity. People are different and couple relate differently and balance each other out differently, that's all. But that couple in the tv show were a bit weird, to be fair.

Thankfully I don't know any and I certainly am not one!

I don't know what this tv program you're referring to is. But a husband deciding on what his wife wears sounds abusive and controlling, not "traditional".

I suppose one could say that I'm a traditional wife in that I have been a stay at home mother since my youngest child was born and my husband works full time. (I do have my own separate finances and we have a pre-nuptial agreement which would definitely work in my favour were we ever to split up.) I also do the vast majority of the cooking, but that works for us. I enjoy cooking and have more time for it and my husband will (and has) cook if necessary but doesn't enjoy it.

However, I definitely consider myself a feminist and my husband also considers himself a feminist. He wouldn't dream of trying to tell me what I should wear, or make any household decisions unilaterally. He absolutely considers me his equal. He never expects me to cook. If I don't feel like doing so sometimes we'll usually get a takeaway or go out to eat. Because I cook he always cleans up and does the dishes afterwards.

So, yes, we do have pretty "traditional" roles in our household, but it works for us and isn't in the slightest old fashioned or abusive.

Dh does most of the cooking when we're home together. I enjoy cooking but he loves it. And he's excellent. Housework is done by both. We tend to agree on decor etc. We agree on most things tbh. I'm pretty assertive but he's no pushover. I couldn't stand someone making decisions for me. Neither could he.

Was anyone else in awe of them achieving a wedding and christening in one weekend, preparing delicious meals in full make up and caring for 3 children including a 3 month old who probably doesn't sleep through?

Carryoncovid so he makes the decorating decisions (?) and you do all the kids stuff, and you think that's fair?

I wouldn’t recognise “a traditional wife” from your description, OP. I would call what you’re describing a mediaeval one! My DGF’s and DF/DFIL never treated their wives like that and neither does my DH.

Stating it’s a traditional marriage is bad justification for bad behaviour in the 21st Century, IMO.

Yup, I have no interest (or much less interest) in paint colours, which table, chairs or cushions we have. He is much less invested in 11+ stuff, extra curicular things, their clothes etc.

I wouldn’t recognise “a traditional wife” from your description, OP. I would call what you’re describing a mediaeval one!

Not really Catherine of Aaragon was a pretty equal partner of Henry VIII, she was his regent and sucessfully defended England from the Scots.

I haven't seen this show, but I would say I have a traditional marriage, my husband works full time, I keep the home and care for the Children, garden, pets and elderly freinds, athough we are both involved with the children and their education.

We are also fairly traditional, (while also being unconventional) in our practice of Christianity. Aiming for pro-life, non-violent, non political, simple living, modest and practical :new testament style Christianity.

In addition I try to dress in a feminine but modest style, cover my hair for worship. This is my husband's request but he wouldn't insist if it were not my conviction.

My husband in principle has the final decision if we disagree, as I did promise to "obey" in the marriage vows, 20 years ago. ( Athough at the time I don't think I gave it much thought, I do however consider it, as the other vows a sacred promise before God). In reality though my husband is a gentleman, considerate of the needs of his family and has rarely made any big decisions without my input and as time has gone on we are more of a team, all be it with different but complementary roles.

I find it a very satisfying, simple, enriching and peaceful way to do family life. But I do think, what is described here is a little extreme, especially the discipline ridgid adherence to rules and roles.

why do you have to obey him and he doesn't have to obey you?

We married at 18 and 21, we took the advice of older relatives to say the traditional vows. We now have a contented, happy and affectionate married life, 20 years next month, yes maybey we had a rocky start, (poverty under employment etc.) I think sometimes the traditional roles can be taken to far and applied without love and gentleness. There are some terrible books I'd never recommend on this topic.

It is not one sided, a Christian husband is according to scripture to houner to his wife and lay down his life for her. Not to put his own needs or wants first. He has an accountability before God to manage his household lovingly and well. He is to picture the sacrafical life of Christ.

According to this interpertation of the Bible, The wife also is called to respect and yes if nessary obey/ defer to her husband's leadership. This is a practical way to express submission to God. Athough in most households I know of where these roles are followed very often the reality is couples can communicate and decide together, but if a deciding say is needed to avoid confilict/disunity the husband will decide. Say things where a couple can't agree to differ, such as on whether or not to vacinate the children, or which school to chose etc.

This leadership if truly modeling Christ will, be servant like and humble, not demanding and can be very easy to respect. It isn't unequal, just complementary roles.

For us it leads to a peaceful home, but my husband doesn't expect anything unreasoble, he listens to me when making decisions, if he thinks I'm better equiped to make a certain decison he will encourage me to decide.

This leadership if truly modeling Christ will, be servant like and humble

Gross

My issue with the trad wife thing is modelling to your kids that that's how an adult relationship should be. I know a couple, they're not religious so that's not the motivation but he's a mid earner and she's a high earner, and she defers to him on all household and family matters. It's as though she's apologising for out-earning him. Fine if it's just the two of you and that dynamic suits you but teaching your kids that that's how a marriage should be. Yuck.

I know someone who was for a while. Husband worked, she stayed home and dealt with housework and life admin. They had no children at the time. It worked well for them and they seemed happy with the arrangement. Her home life was far more organised than mine.

So you married at a young age and had relatives pressure you to promise to be subservient to your husband.

Thats sad. I hope if you have children you don't pressure them into the same thing.

According to this interpertation of the Bible, The wife also is called to respect and yes if nessary obey/ defer to her husband's leadership

Aye that's a hard pass from me.

don’t have time for long reply but the Trad Wives thing is a specific, contemporary “movement” linked to the women-hating far right. It’s not the same as being a SAHM or someone who sees themselves in a more “traditional” gender role in the home. It’s completely oppressive and creepy, in short!

Yes, my parents are like this.
Dad 10 years older than mum, she married at 21.
She has never worked since really, never paid a bill or booked a holiday in her life. He decides what they eat and mostly how they spend time. She has to ask for money and when I was young there were always rows about £10/20 going missing. She looked after the children and the house, he worked . He refers to himself as Head of the household. He once hit me when I queried this. He believes children should be seen and not heard and growing up so were times i was pretty scared of him.
Mum used to proudly say to her friends that he liked his tea on the table at 6pm and she always obliged. Even now they are the same. If I try to go out with her without him she'll be looking at the bus timetable home or angsty about getting back to him and making his tea. It makes me feel ill. What surprises me is she thinks they have a great marriage. Maybe in her world, she said she never had career aspirations and was quite happy to be someone's wife and do what he wanted.
It's no wonder really why I haven't married and I like to keep my own money separate.

My grandparents were married in the 1930s. My grandfather worked while my grandmother stayed at home while the children were young. He brought home his wages and she’d sit at the kitchen table and split it into piles of cash to cover all their expenses - she gave him back what was spare. She dealt with the insurance and rent. He trusted her to know what was best for the family. They weren’t well off but she made sure that the money stretched to save enough for the two week holiday in Ireland every year that he adored. If something was really important to him she prioritised it but she made most of the decisions. When the children were older she went to work. He helped her to clean the house. She brought up my mother to always have her own money and always pay in for the full pension.

She was very religious but I think she’d have very little time for this ‘trad wife’ stuff. Beyond the clothes and the ‘obedience’ issues, she’d regard it as foolish and irresponsible for a woman not to be fully aware of the state of the family finances - how can you manage your money, even if it’s just housekeeping, if you don’t have the full picture. She’d also be furious at the idea that anyone knew better than her what was right for her children - including their father!