Are you or do you know a traditional wife?

[Juniper68]

Just watching Stacey Dooley staying at the trad wife's home. I didn't realise there were so many of them?
I really liked the wife and dcs. The dh not so much. Choosing the wife's clothes. Making dcs wear something heavy on their back if they've been naughty 😮
I'm not against being a sahm. But him calling all the shots is so controlling.

My grandmother’s sister married someone who earned a lot more money than my grandad. He gave her very little money as housekeeping and expected a lot from it. She was always borrowing money from her mother or my grandmother to get by. One year she tried to get a part time evening job to cover Christmas presents for their children - he wouldn’t pay for them - and she had to have family babysit their children while she worked because he refused to. He made life so unpleasant at home because of her working that she never worked again.

Abusive arseholes are abusive arseholes whatever their date of birth or religious affiliation.

Did you lose your self worth with the odd socks somewhere?

I don't know anyone who lives like this at all. Most couples I know - irrespective of whether the wife works - are pretty equal in decision making. I do wonder why people think men are better at decision-making for their family on the big things? Especially if they are more removed from the day to day care of the family and their needs.

A few observations:

• I thought it was pretty weird when a female married colleague said she always packed her husbands overnight bag when he was away and sometimes got bollocked for not packing the right stuff. Why hadn't she realised it would be hot there? Err why can't the baby pack his own bag?
• When my sister got married many years ago she was shocked that the Vicar tried to persuade her to say she would obey her husband - as in the end on difficult decisions someone would have to make the final call. She said yes, but why are you assuming he would be better qualified to make that call? (In the end I think he does make most of the decisions mind...)
• My Mum - a SAHM for the most part - always deferred to my Dad on everything and only worked for short periods for 'pin money'. She did insist on having separate bank accounts though and never for one moment criticised me for keeping a career and juggling being a parent. She was always very proud of me.
• However, about 10 years ago when my Mum went into hospital for an operation my Dad asked her where the bread was kept! I said blimey you've been spoilt. The problem with these trad roles is also when the man retires and carries on doing sweet FA around the house sitting in his armchair waiting for his meal to be served. My Mum got pretty fed up of it.
• I do worry when I read on here about women who are getting divorced who have been SAHMs and/or have no idea about family finances and arrangements and are afraid of being on their own and having to make decisions on their own. That seems to be a very vulnerable place to be.

Maybe unconsciously I am sort of this. It’s not with any specific agenda or ideology behind it. I am a bit younger than my husband, he has a better paying and more secure job than me, whereas I have a low paying entry level job. For me it’s make work to subsidise my creative sideline which I can’t make money off and we agreed he’d support me to pursue it. When our baby is born I plan to stay home until they are ready for school and same with any subsequent kids. I don’t really enjoy office work and have never had career aspirations. I also have my own savings and we don’t share a bank account. He pays home expenses and I pay for the cat and groceries and do the cooking as I work from home. I enjoy cooking and organising the house and would feel annoyed if he were to intervene. I don’t feel any sense of pride related to a career and don’t particularly care if people look down on me for that.

Some people don’t see work as the be all and end all of life.

I kind of fall into this category, although I find the title of traditional wife a bit unhelpful as that could mean all sorts of things.

As a quick introduction, I'm a SAHM with 5 children and another on the way. Yes, we are religious and this is the main reason we have gone down this path. I still do one or two jobs a month which brings in a nice little income however DH is the primary earner. Until DC1 was born, I worked FT in a very good job, earning marginally more than DH with better prospects however we both agreed that we would have a 'traditional family' and it's been like that for the last 13 years.

One of the themes of this thread is husbands making decisions for their wives and I want to try and explain the underlying psychology behind this and how it works for us. In our marriage we both believe strongly in trust and honesty, I have total trust in DH. What this means in terms of decision making is that I've got total confidence that any decision he makes is in the best interests of 'the family' i.e.that he won't make selfish decisions and will put DC's or my interests first, likewise I put DC's and DH's interest before mine. Does he get things wrong? Occasionally. Does he let me make decisions? Of course, I make most decisions however sometimes I do defer to him for a decision, and occasionally, I'm over-ruled. DH's decision is final and I accept that. DH has imposed a couple of minor dress standards on me, e.g. bare shoulders aren't permitted and skirts must go below the knee, he was just solidifying the modest dress standard expected in our religious community. If he told me what to wear, would I wear it? Yes I would, however that's rare and has always been in my best interests and more annoyingly, he's been correct! Under normal circumstances, it is the other way around and I 'advise' him on what to wear. That's men for you. 🙄

I hope this gives you all a good example of how this type of relationship can work, it's not a lifestyle for everyone, and 'traditional' relationships can differ from each other, so how it works for us is not necessarily how it works for others.

@MaryChild I think it's hideous and oppressive, and if you have daughters I hope they leave your faith and find freedom. Nobody should be allowed to tell a woman what to wear. Ever. Or a man, come to that.

Or the man getting the final decision on everything blegh what a gross example to set for little girls

The problem with the 'it's our religion' argument is that the children get indoctrinated into the faith from birth. They never get the opportunity to experience other ways of living. They never have any real choices. This is the problem with all extreme iterations of faith - it really doesn't matter whether it's Hinduism, Christianity, extreme orthodox Judaism or Islam - they are all aimed at subjugating women. And it's all a matter of oppression.

Women who try to escape end up vilified, cut dead or simply killed. That kind of religion is a blight on humanity.

Why does your husband know better about what you should wear than you do? Why can't you ever overrule him?

@MiniPiccolo your comment made me laugh, thank you!! 🤣

I’m so much happier now I don’t have to schlep into work every, day doing a thing I have very little interest in, doing what a boss tells me, being beholden to someone else’s schedule, not being able to choose the activities of my day….

I worked full time for almost 20 years, in a variety of professional roles, including self employed, so I’m really enjoying being totally in control of my own time now.

How old are you? Have you ever worked in a full-time job? What made you give it up if so.

@HollowTalk 40’s. Yes, for 20 years. Never enjoyed it.
An injury prevented me working, then we got together and I never went back properly. We’re both very happy with the status quo and I can choose how to spend my time every day.

Completely agree. I find it so disturbing that in 2022 a woman would submit to her husband imposing dress standards and think it is in their own best interests.

@StarDolphins Jeez, I hope he’s not holding his breath!! 😂😂

Very common in the US.

I'd rather my children grew up with faith than were subjected to the so called freedom that you propose where every minor detail is scrutinised by people as judgmental as yourself.

@MaryChild

I'd rather my children grew up with faith than were subjected to the so called freedom that you propose where every minor detail is scrutinised by people as judgmental as yourself.

Erm, so you don't like your life being "scrutinised" by other people but you are happy to allow your husband to choose what you wear? How does that work? What exactly is the basis for not allowing bare shoulders? What would happen if you went ahead with the bare shoulders anyway? And what makes you think his view on bare shoulders is more informed than yours?

I literally am at a loss how the scenario you described is anything to do with being 'a traditional wife.'

Your thread title is one thing. The abusive set up you then mention is another. The you add a bit about SAHM.

I'm struggling to see why you've linked those things together for the purpose of a thread.

The freedom to not be subservient to a man you mean?

I always wonder in a smaw-sex relationship who obeys who?

Have you ever asked your DH/DM/friends what to wear? If so, would you let them choose for you? Would they get it right? I'm going to assume that they'd probably get it right, in fact they'd probably pick something you hadn't thought of but you'd be pleasantly surprised by. If you still don't get it, can I suggest the next time you go for a meal with your DH, ask him to choose your food for you and see what happens. I bet you'd like his choice, as he'd be thinking of you when he chose it. The only hard bit to swallow is the submission aspect, the concept is straight from Ephesians 5:22-33 however that passage is open to interpretation, many others interpret it differently.

I would consider my aunt/ uncle to have more of a traditional set up in respect of he works a well paid job, she is sahm , well was as kids all grown but she does cooking , clenaing household stuff
He works , sorts all bills etc
But and its a big but she doesn't have to obey him
Or wear what he chooses , he would be out the door if he tried , she has access to money and credit cards etc and can buy / spend as she sees fit
But the set up they have works great for them and one they are both very happy with

@MaryChild i would never ask my dh to choose as how can he know what I fancy that time , sometimes even I don't know what I want and if I never enjoyed it , I would blame him so he would be on a hiding to notiing

@MaryChild also some of your choices are prob more religion based i guess , like clothing
I wonder if your religion is a popular one near me as this seems to be very similar to how they do things or how it looks on the outside

You said that your DH imposed dress standards on you. You advise him, and he imposed and permits, those are thr words you used. Personally I don't imposed a dress code on my friends.