Are you or do you know a traditional wife?

[Juniper68]

Just watching Stacey Dooley staying at the trad wife's home. I didn't realise there were so many of them?
I really liked the wife and dcs. The dh not so much. Choosing the wife's clothes. Making dcs wear something heavy on their back if they've been naughty 😮
I'm not against being a sahm. But him calling all the shots is so controlling.

My mother and father were born in 1908 and 1900 respectively.

They had 7 children and my mother was what most people would consider a traditional wife and mother.

My father worked fulltime and my mother was a 'housewife'.

We were never smacked as children and my father was very involved in childcare so they perhaps weren't entirely typical of their time.

At no point would my father have taken it on himself to give my mother rules about what she did or wore or anything else.

And the horrible way of treating children if they've misbehaved, on what planet is that traditional?

Haven't seen the tv programme but it sound like describing these people as 'traditional' is more about pinning a label on them than actually being factual.

Didn't these sort of women used to be referred to as 'surrendered wives'?

@pointythings was it teaching you not to depend on a man or because your family needed the money ? I find the not depending on someone line is trotted out all the time.

@helloitsnotmeanymore it was absolutely about not depending on a man. My mother literally told me to always have running away money. She and my dad always had separate bank accounts alongside a shared one, into which they paid according to income ratios. Individual bank accounts were not accessible to the other party. They had mirror wills to ensure no blockages if one partner died and it worked out fine. My mother never needed her running away money, but came from an abusive family dynamic where her own mother was kept short.

My late husband and I never had shared accounts of any kind at all. It still all worked perfectly well.

In a marriage of course you depend on the other person to some extent - that's why you get married in the first place. But that isn't the same as totally surrendering one's financial independence. I would not have married a man who demanded that of me.

Oh I'm not equating them with being a sahm. I was one for a while. Loved it. But I was still very independent.
I never thought of it possibly being a fetish?

The way the very young dcs are punished really disturbed me.

That kind of set up was definitely more common when I was growing up in America, particularly with our friends in Mormon households.

I guess I fit into the "traditional housewife" role, as I gave up work a year before we had our first child and now I'm a SAHM.

We have a cleaner come in once a week, but other than that, I do all housework, laundry, ironing, etc. cooking is 50/50 at the moment as I'm pregnant and off my meals but I would usually be responsible for about 80% of the cooking.
DH "pays" me £500 for doing some minor admin jobs for his work and that is mine to spend how I wish. We have a joint account for household bills and costs relating to dd or family expenses (nursery bill, days out, takeaways, grocery shopping, etc)

There is definitely no weird fetishising here or DH acting as "head of the house"! We discuss all major purchases together before decisions are made.

I am a Mormon housewife and I can categorically say that this is NOT something that me or any LDS woman would accept. If I were to hear of any woman recieving 'domestic discipline' (another way of saying domestic violence imo) I would encourage her to ltb and any man in our church found to have behaved like that would be excommunicated on the spot.

I haven’t seen the prog, but that sounds more abusive than traditional.
i do have a couple of friends who’ve told me things about their financial situation re their DHs and I’ve thought that it doesn’t sound right - to me once your married I think you should at least have one current account that’s joint for bills etc. If one partner isn’t working , but the other is a SAHP it’s still equal in terms of contributing financially to the household. There’s far too much control otherwise.
Having said that, dh has always been the breadwinner, my earning potential was never as high as his so it made sense for me to stay at home. He did do a fair amount of childcare etc when DCs were young and still helps w housework and other things when needs be.
I have never answered to DH in regards to my own social plans other than letting him know I’m going to see X friend. We obviously coordinate diaries but it’s less important now the DCs are late teens.

I know the1950s is a go-to date for this sort of thing and although I'm sure some lived as you describe, many did not. I was born in the mid 40s. My DM worked when my sister and I started school, as did most of the female neighbours at that time. My parents were pretty equal and my DF did his share of housework, childcaring etc.

The only thing I never remember him doing apart from once was the washing which was done in a boiler and then everything went through a mangle to remove excess water. On one occasion my DM didn't let go of the sheet quickly enough and half her arm went through the mangle! No broken bones but the bruises were pretty awsome and Dad did the washing the following week.

I guess maybe I am? Not on purpose, I’m a stay at home mum and my husband pays the bills. I home school and do all the cooking, which I love and cleaning which I don’t mind. I like looking after things wether it’s people or the house, it makes me feel good and is how I show love.
I’m happy, my husband’s happy, my children are happy and the animals are too.

I think that’s all that matters really, you’re happy with your lifestyle and choices and it’s not hurting anyone.

To be honest, I like Stacey Dooley documentaries and I did see the first part of this one, but apart from the fact she is home schooling her kids (which must be really hard work), I don't see that woman as particularly unusual. I'm not sure why a programme was made about them?

I like to think I'm fairly normal and DH and I certainly never had any discussions about me being a 'trad wife,' but the way it panned out is that I never worked (also have a masters like the woman in the show). I never regretted the lack of career and I've trusted my husband with all things financial. I've been happy to focus on our children and supporting him. It made practical sense for our family and I think we're all better off (financially and emotionally) as a result.

Practically and day to day, I do cook for him mainly, but I don't do constant housework because I have a cleaner in twice a week. But thinking about it, our roles have evolved as quite 'gender specific ' if you could call it that - not because of a conscious labelling of ourselves as such, but more because of our personalities, I suppose. I don't 'obey' my husband mindlessly, but also I wouldn't speak disrespectfully to him or undermine him either. If I didn't agree with something he was saying I would hear him out and then suggest ways he might want to think about that. For me, it's much more effective to challenge him that way than with a head on "No." We don't argue much to be fair and both respect each other and what we bring to the marriage and this is how it is. But so wouldn't put a label in it - I think the 'trad wife' thing is a gimmick probably.

20mph you don't find the man having the final say unusual? And him deciding on clothes? It's certainly not usual.

A 'trad wife' is a very fucking weird concept imo. It's not a SAHM mum set up. It's a weird, controlling mostly religious based fuckwittery.

What happens if you divorce? Or more likely he divorces you?

I watched this the other day. It seemed...abusive. I got bad vibes from that dude.

Juniper, I think what happens in most couples is that he will have the 'final say' over some things (things he's better informed or equipped to deal with) and she will have the final say in things she is more informed about or equipped to deal with. That woman in the documentary is not stupid. I think if you're working well as a couple there's rarely, if ever, need for a final say, because you know and preempt what the other would think or do and so you factor that in before it comes to that (if this makes sense)?

'What happens if you divorce? Or more likely he divorces you?'

Not sure if that was aimed at me or the woman on the show but, in my case, this is not a concern. Dare I say, my husband has taken care of that?

One of my friends was a housewife. She has passed on now very young but she didn’t have children. She did work in the early years of her relationship but in later years some health/mental health issues meant she couldn’t work.

Her husband held her in the highest of regard you could imagine. He contributed to the housework when he was there. He paid for everything. He listened to her and asked her advice. He was never in anyway dismissive or undermining towards her. He adored and respected her. He never ever ever abused her.

That is a traditional relationship, not a domineering, controlling man who has basically just fallen from the chimpanzee tree. Traditional in not a synonym for abusive.

I am a “traditional” wife in that I am a SAHP and my dh works full time. Been this way for a long time now and will be for a long time more as we have a baby.

But, my god, he does his fair share around the house and with the children when he’s not working. He does all the food shopping and most of the cooking now that he works from home so no commute (he loves to cook). And he doesn’t get final say in things or control the finances, he leaves most big decisions down to me. He’s never uttered a word about how scruffy I am either (not that he would have a leg to stand on, he’s a bad as me).

If he tried to chose my clothes or abuse me or the children he’d be in for a fucking shock.

Yes my mother and now I have zero respect for her and never visit. Its her way of copping out of all of life's responsibilities.

Haven't seen the programme but no, I don't know anyone in that kind of set-up.

My mum had me in the 1970s. She gave up work to look after me, and subsequently my brother, but retrained and went back to work in about 1985/86. So we relied on my father's wage which was a struggle but my mum always wanted to return to work. She was also the boss of the house. Still is.

Me too. He came across as unhinged.

Can i ask why? Did you work before him? Do you get given money or equal access to the bank account? How does that affect the power dynamics?

Does he pick your clothes and generally control what you are allowed to do?

This is not a traditional family it is an abusive family. A traditional family is surely one where the wife is a sahm and husband goes out to work and is sole breadwinner. But in these situations I can't see women being told what clothing to wear or getting away with abusive punishment for kids.