Are you or do you know a traditional wife?

[Juniper68]

Just watching Stacey Dooley staying at the trad wife's home. I didn't realise there were so many of them?
I really liked the wife and dcs. The dh not so much. Choosing the wife's clothes. Making dcs wear something heavy on their back if they've been naughty 😮
I'm not against being a sahm. But him calling all the shots is so controlling.

My mother was. My parents think a marriage where both work is a doomed marriage🙄

In SOME cases, both parents working flat out and never making time for each other can doom marriages though. Depends what the work is and how you navigate it.

I went to visit friends overnight. Before the DH came home from work, his DW went to their bedroom to look out clothes for him to change into. I was baffled

As time has passed, I'm increasingly grateful that my DH and I both work, share most household tasks and earn / work around the same amount

Your husbands taken care of making sure you don't divorce him? Or you not having anything if he divorces you?

My parents are friends with a couple like this. I don't get on with the husband at all. The wife is ok but it really winds me up how passive and downtrodden she is. It's now been cemented by her enabling her son and daughter-in-law (also a SAHM but a 'normal' one who has her say in things)'s lifestyle of frequent holidays and trips away where she (the mother/grandmother) has sole care of their 6 kids. She is recovering from a cancer operation and waiting to see if she needs further treatment, but never says no. Her husband, now retired, doesn't lift a finger to help because he spent all those years out earning their money. He does drive her places because it's more appropriate for a man to drive (although she was allowed to drive while he was working and still is from time to time when it doesn't suit him to give her a lift). If you ever call them out on any of it, the excuse is that they like to do things traditionally.

"Your husbands taken care of making sure you don't divorce him? Or you not having anything if he divorces you?"

No, I meant I would be ok financially because of his planning.

It’s not ‘traditional’ it’s a fetish. My Great-Great-Grandmother was a working woman in charge of the household finances.

‘’Choosing the wife's clothes. Making dcs wear something heavy on their back if they've been naughty 😮’

is that not just coercive control and abusive behaviour. The DH sounds like a fucking sadist.

I know some but not to the extreme as described in the OP. Most of them are religious but not all.

The wives are generally pretty passive and although

Ffs... although they have some influence over family life and money, husband is the boss.

I find it horrifying. The deferring to him when you ask a question, never just saying yes to something without needing to consult/ask permission.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/04/2022 16:06
Yes my mother and now I have zero respect for her and never visit. Its her way of copping out of all of life's responsibilities.

Eh? I get that you don't want to do the same, but unless there's a massive back story, it doesn't seem deserving of having "zero respect for her and never visiting". What is it about her that you feel warrants such a response?

I don't know anyone like this, but I confess it's a tactic I use with pushy salespeople - i.e I don't know who my energy supplier is etc. It's always quickly believed. In reality I've always looked after the bills. I know I should grow a backbone and say no, not interested.

I know one. We're not friends anymore as I can't bear to watch someone fawn over a abuser.

My friend says her husband makes the BIG decisions like what 'should' happen in the budget, what laws 'should' be made and which cancelled, who 'should' be president of the USA and what 'should' happen in the Ukraine whereas she makes the 'little' ones like where they live, where they go on holiday, what they buy etc.

Tradwives sounds like being a doormat. Next thing they will be saying men have bigger brains 🙄

Juniper, I think what happens in most couples is that he will have the 'final say' over some things (things he's better informed or equipped to deal with) and she will have the final say in things she is more informed about or equipped to deal with

This is how it works in our house. DH is an architect so he decides on home maintance if I'm honest where we live and all interior design decisions. I decide everything to do with the DCs all childcare, schooling, sports, clothing and I treat everybody's minor ailments, buy medicines, sort out Dr's appointments etc. We do holidays together, it seems to work ok.

I always find set up like they had very bizarre. I couldn't imagine living like that. As in she always had to be 'made up' - even on days which nothing much was happening. She can't even order in a pizza and drink a bottle of wine in peace whilst watching a film because her husband would judge her.

I do think ultimately people like this do snap.

I haven’t seen the programme but I think what you’re describing is a fetish really. A fetish involving a couple’s children. Boak.

I’d say my MIL is the closest thing I know to a trad wife. At mealtimes my FIL finishes his food and sits back and she takes the plates away from under his nose. He doesn’t even pass them to her!

My mum was in the sense that dad worked and she was a sahm. He earned the money and gave her his pay so that she could run the house and she did. It was an agreed set up that she was happy with. Dad still pitched in with household chores but she did the lion share. Now my mum has a part time job and they split the chores as my mum takes care of my nephew to help out with childcare. She cooks and he cleans. They still made and do make decisions together though my dad would say my mum has always been the boss.

My sil is a traditional house wife. She cooks and cleans, rakes care of the kids and her dh earns the money. She has no idea about his incoming or outgoings and is given a set amount of money monthly that is hers alone to spend on herself. She won't use it to spend on the kids instead expects her sh to pick up every expense for the children down to magazines from the supermarket. It works for them. Bil isn't hands on with the children, never changed a nappy or fed them a bottle but they are happy with their set up and a very loving couple.

It's not the way I would choose to live and I hope my girls don't choose it but there is no denying it works for some people. The programme though didn't depict a traditional relationship but more an abusive, controlling one.

Well yes obviously it depends on the people involved. There’s a grey area in between both working flat out at the expense of the marriage and one person giving up their career entirely.

Yes she's going to go off it one day. He'll come home from work and she'll be in her trackies eating a kebab surrounded by tinnies 🤣

This was one of the things that put me off church. 2 of the churches I went to (maybe all do?) had the belief that the husband was the Head of the home and had the final say, and the wife should defer/submit to him. DH and I did a pre marriage course at the church and even the (fairly conservative) minister admitted the book we were following was quite old-fashioned. It basically advised that the wife should give up work as soon as they got married, make the house and herself pretty and make sure she looked after her husband. It was ridiculously old fashioned 20 years ago, we kept the book, and still laugh about it. Me and DH take forever months to make decisions like choosing a new kitchen/new car because we debate it for ages, I'm not letting him just choose something that affects us equally.
One couple at church- I knew the wife reasonably well. She said when her DH came home from work, he must be left alone and they (her and 3 young children) should be quiet and not enter the room for an hour while he relaxed after work. They needed a new sofa and he chose a very pale one - even though she pointed out this was v impractical with 3 young children and a dog - but she had to defer to his decision.

Haven't rtft or seen the documentary. But your OP reminds me of a really old episode of wife swap that I've never been able to find. The wife had to wear a Japanese outfit and have a bath run for husband when he got home. The husband and son had a 10 minute wrestle at 9pm every night before bed. Creepy is not a good enough word to describe that couple, poor kid, I wonder how he turned out.

Thankfully these patriarchal models are starting to die out and be challenged by younger generations which is why they are viewed so quizzically now. My DM bought into the man as head of the household bullshit which resulted in very unhappy marriages. I can remember my dad being given the last cake, bigger portions, not doing the washing up etc ecause he was a man. Same with my little Prince brother.

l also assimilated into that marriage model, again a very unhappy and unequal relationship. Now that I am aware I am very careful to question anything that smacks of patriarchal privilege in my current relationship. My DD won't be tolerating any of that nonsense.

I genuinely couldn't relate to someone who has (IMO) such backwards views, so no I don't know anyone (and if I did I would let the friendship slide)