Or is friend batshit?

[userxkkyrdhkhv]

I have had a friend for 4 years.
I met her a few times before covid hit.

I began meeting her again some weeks back and we took her child and my child out together.
During these outings friend argued with everyone everywhere we went. In shops, train stations, restaurants, activities, in the street. She argued with them for things like putting too much sauce in a burger and talking on the phone in a taxi.

Friend asked if she could stay 2 nights last week. I said she was more than welcome and if she was still here on x date then could she look after dc in the park next door whilst I got my hair done.

All was fine until I cleaned the bathroom (they had sole use of it as we use en suite). There was urine on the toilet seat and around the Base. I began using a bleach spray, friend started coughing loudly and said, "this is why I use natural products."
Friend left the bathroom and went to the kitchen. When I'd finished cleaning their bathroom I went to the kitchen. Friend demanded I opened the French doors as she was about to "pass out" due to my use of bleach in the bathroom.

Whilst she was here we went on several outings where friend continued to argue with everyone from a Starbucks employee misspelling her name to a teenager standing behind us on the bus.

The day before she left friend attacked a woman for apparently nudging past one of the dc at a busy tube station.

On the final night dc was constipated (chronic) so I had to give multiple medications whilst massaging and pushing their stomach to help them go. Friend asked a question, "is that too much?" To which I replied,"no. This is what dc's consultant advised.

I went to wash my hands in the bathroom when I saw poo in the toilet. This was my trigger point as I have OCD.

Friend went out to smoke a joint and I spoke to my cousin. I arranged to go and see cousin for a night as she has a newborn that I'm yet to meet.
I informed friend via WhatsApp but advised we could still go ahead with our plans that day but she could go home after.
Friend seemed very annoyed and when she came in went straight to the room without saying a word.

Friend was supposed to leave at 08:30am the next morning. I needed to leave between 10-11am however I stalled as friend was clearly not ready. At 12pm I said to friend "we need to leave soon. Should I pack your food items into a bag to help out?" Friend aggressively said,"I cannot leave as you didn't wash or dry my clothes and now I need to borrow money from someone to take a cab home."

I put items in a bag including vegan milk, butter and a pizza. These were the only perishable items and were in the fridge.

15 minutes later friend storms in and mutters very loudly, "she's done this out of spite. If she wants to spiteful I'll be spiteful."

Friend pulled mine and her clothing out of the washing machine onto the floor and proceeded to put her trousers into the dryer.

Friend then left without saying a word.

I locked the door and came back inside to find several of my frozen food items on the floor.

I had to pay my cleaner to return as the room they stayed in was messy and stunk.

In the end the smell was so strong it went through 3 mattress protectors and 7 sheets and we had to throw the entire mattress away.

I then received a text from friend informing me she left several items in my home and telling me to post them to her. I responded saying I was not going to post them after her disrespectful behaviour but she was more than welcome to come and collect them or arrange a postal courier.
There were a few further text engagements before friend blocked me.

I then received this message a few hours ago:

Dont mess with me when it comes to finances, as I will mess with the finances you shouldn't even be receiving, right back. You also owe me for the cream that you didn't use, alongside the clothes that you washed that were nowhere to be found. And the oil £5 aswell. I expect that in my account today. You are also short on reimbursing for your food order, and owe me £15 for the food that perished due to your behaviour.

You crossed a lot of lines with me and your incompetence as a mother and an adult impacted my child on far too many occasions so do not call my phone again as I have no desire to hear anything you have to say to me. Feel free to deduct the £2 for the items you are aware your child is intolerant to yet still force her to consume that was left out of your freezer due to your disgustingly spiteful behaviour.

Aibu or is she batshit?

She stayed for 5 days where she used my toiletries, food, water, electricity, towels etc. She also broke one of my items worth circa £25.

MN deleted my previous thread by mistake.

Posting again as I feel I will need further advice in the next few days as I think she will contact further.

Distance yourself. This is not a mutual friendship.

Shes a user. Not even a grateful one.

I’m not sure why she is supposed to give you a pass for your MH condition, but you won’t give her one for hers.

Sounds like you are two people who shouldn’t spend any time together.

She sounds absolutely crazy, and should not be in charge of a child. Do not send her any money. Cut all contact and move on.

You’ve done nothing wrong. Keep her blocked completely.

Sometimes in life we have to admit we’ve made mistakes in our judgment of people, this is one of those times op. You were a kind friend to offer her your home and time. You need to accept this friendship isn’t equal and this person is unkind and a user. Like others have said just block her from your phone and from your mind. Don’t let her take advantage of your good nature any longer.

I really feel for you. She has used her disability to take total advantage of your disabilities. I don’t want to give the impression that I believe that she is not unwell, because I think she is. I think she is also a dangerous manipulator and best avoided. Well done for taking the advice to release her from your live and not feel guilty for that decision. Don’t be afraid to seek legal advice if she escalates.

OP, she is absolutely fucking crazy. Block her everywhere. Perhaps take out a restraining order for good measure.

I can’t believe you even need to ask!

Block her and be thankful to be well rid of her.

This

OP, she is absolutely fucking crazy.

Not really an appropriate way to talk about someone with a mental health issue.

She sounds like a rip roaring PD to me.

"Friend went out to smoke a joint and I spoke to my cousin"
She stayed in your home where your child is, smoking pot, but you chose to let her stay?

She is not crazy, she is just plain nasty. Avoid, avoid avoid.

Wow, the ableism and ignorance on this thread is astounding. I'm also autistic and there is a real whispering-and-sniggering-mean-girls vibe in the comments.

To the people saying that OP is batshit for questioning this or putting up with it, it's well documented that a lot of autistic people struggle with boundaries or recognising when they're being manipulated or taken advantage of. Many autistic people report being called "gullible" throughout their lives - I certainly have been.

I can't speak for OP because it's not a blanket diagnosis with identical traits but I take things at face value and I've absolutely found myself in some dodgy friendships and/or been treated terribly without realising it until much later. My anxiety makes it very difficult to speak up for myself. I also tend to internalise things and question if I somehow caused it.

P.S. I've just had my first PIP assessment and it has been awful - really stressful and I feel like the whole thing has been designed to confuse me and trip me up. Like they're just waiting to be like "Ah-ha! So you CAN do that!" so I totally understand why her threat about reporting you is stressful even if you're doing nothing wrong.

Please don’t ever think that you have to accept bad behaviour from someone because they’re “unwell”. Plenty of people have mental health problems and don’t do rude/awful things, and those that do will have the help of their families, if they are still on the scene, or professionals.

Anyone who says “oh I have this ology/personality disorder, so you have to just suck up anything I throw at you”, is just plain wrong.

Oh, and DID? Yeah, barely ever diagnosed, and does not present as she suggests. I reckon she’s been watching too much true crime.

Hope you have a better day today!

This is a very simple case of:

cut contact
Try to forget she exists

She sounds absolutely awful, thank goodness you're out of that friendship!

If the conditions in the room she stayed in with a child we're that bad I'd consider reporting her to social services. She sounds like she's absolutely not coping and they may be able to support her to improve.

You need to cut all contact with her. Get her blocked on everything. Don't mention the items she wants to collect again.
And in the future if someone is behaving badly and arguing with other people, please be more aware that at some point they will turn on you, because such behaviour is not normal and indicates a mental health issue.
And although we should make some allowances for people with mental health issues that does not need to go as far as having them to stay in your house if it is going to negatively impact your own mental health.
I had a friend of a few years who was constantly getting into trouble with the police and getting into arguments with neighbours etc. Kept the friendship going for a while, knowing that he has health problems and some mental health issues, wanting to support him. But he did slowly start to turn on me too so at that point I blocked him.
You do not need to put up with anything like that.

I think there’s a difference between mental health problems and a personality disorder. For those saying that the op should accept this woman’s problems because she has her own, does that mean that a woman in an abusive relationship should accept her partner’s abuse because he has NPD?

I’m autistic too OP and I used to attract this type of person. Our boundaries are all slightly different though, perhaps because of what we’re used to. I do understand the not understanding that you’re in an abusive situation until you’re right in the middle of it. In the end, my abusive relationship made me realise that my mum has borderline personality disorder and that my ex husband was close to having narcissistic personality disorder (but probably not quite).

Do everything you can to learn more about abuse …there’s loads of stuff on YouTube. Learn about BPD and NPD specifically and remember that there can be huge overlaps, for example, my ex with BPD seemed autistic in many ways but had no conscience. As soon as you feel a bit uncomfortable about someone’s behaviour you must have total faith in your instincts and don’t ignore the red flags. Ask yourself if you would behave in that way and imagine yourself acting that way. It brings home how totally unacceptable the behaviour is.

You can learn this stuff. No one was more clueless than I was even fifteen years ago xx

Oh and also (and I’m still rubbish at this), stop sharing your personal information! Don’t even tell people you’re claiming PIP xx

What on earth. Of course this is not reasonable of her! Don’t pay her anything and don’t see her again!

She sounds very toxic, avoid like the plague.

I wasn't going to post the condition she says she has out of fear of being outed. But she says she has DID? I've never heard of it but she starts talking in different voices and saying she's switching personalities. She says one personality won't remember the events that another personality has experienced hence why she doesn't see how she comes across I guess.

OP, if your ex-friend has DID she has a serious mental illness (probably not helped by her weed habit). None of the behaviours you've described from her are normal or acceptable. She needs professional help and she should certainly never have asked to come and stay with you. She has problems with anger and erratic behaviour and she shouldn't have asked to come and stay with you.

You obviously have a few challenges of your own in terms of your OCD and autism, and I think your friend took advantage of your kindness. You mentioned that you have difficulty in seeing when people's behaviour is bad unless it directly affects you, and I'm pretty sure she took advantage of that too. She presumably knows you're autistic and that you have OCD, right? So she should have fully expected when she came to stay with you that you might need some things (eg the bathroom cleaning) to be done in a specific way. Basically, she wanted you to accommodate all her behaviours but wasn't prepared to accept yours (which are, in any case, totally harmless - unlike hers).

Ignore her weird threats and demands for money and block her on all platforms. You've done nothing wrong.

And this is why I'm glad the Neurodiverse Mumsnetters board exists. Some of the replies to the OP are shocking!
If you are not on there OP, pop over for some support from others who understand.

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