Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to resist the urge to say what I want to say…

316 replies

goinglow · 26/04/2022 04:05

I’ve just been through the most traumatic break-up. We had been together for a year and were planning for the future, when he completely blindsided me with a break-up. Within an hour of that, he did something so reckless, outrageous and insane that it felt like living through a nightmare (I wasn’t hurt, it was something he did that I witnessed). I prefer not to divulge the story but the phrase ‘what a disgusting c*’ is the reaction from most people when they hear the story.

He then blocked me on all mediums and left me an absolute shell of myself. Prior to the break-up we were (I thought) completely in love.

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost.

I want to rip him a new one. I want to tell him if he wants his money he can face me and explain himself and his behaviour. I want to tell him the years of therapy I’ll need will far outweigh the cost. I want to tell him he should be so ashamed of his behaviour and the fact he would come to me for money is a disgrace.

I know I shouldn’t though. Moral high ground and all that.

However, he’s someone that wants a quiet life. He’ll want nothing more than to think his actions have had no consequences and to carry on guilt-free. On that basis, I can’t help but want to remind him this isn’t the case.

What would you do? Pay up, block and move on, or take the opportunity to remind him that actions have consequences and say some of the unsaid things he deserves to hear?

OP posts:
namechangetheworld · 26/04/2022 10:42

Some of these replies are absolutely cringeworthy.

The money you owe and the incident that occurred on holiday are two completely separate issues. You owe him the money, regardless of how appallingly he's treated you.

Do not send any "witty" notes along with the money. Do not lecture him about how he's wronged you in a bid to make him feel bad. At best, he won't give a shit, at worst, he'll have a good old laugh about how hung up on him you are.

Keep your head held high, pay his money, and try to forget about him.

Rosehugger · 26/04/2022 11:02

I would just pay it and put it behind me.

Rosehugger · 26/04/2022 11:03

zafferana · 26/04/2022 10:37

A significant amount of money, yes! I will indeed add this in and offset against anything I owe him. He actually may end up owing me money in the end.

I agree with this - you should absolutely bill him right back for costs you incurred due to his behaviour.

It reminds me of a dispute we had with our builders - they billed us for x, y and z nitpicking final things - okay fine - we'd deliberately held back our final payment to them because their attempts at 'finishing' our home were so appallingly shoddy. In the event, it cost us a fucking fortune to remediate and we kept itemised bills for everything. So in response to their request for final settlement we billed them right back for all the work we'd had to get redone and they in fact ended up owing us money. We invited them to take us to court if they wished to. We never heard from them again.

That's great re the builders, but it's not a parallel with the OP's situation.

WDTABNONONO · 26/04/2022 11:04

I'd message 'Sorry what money? I don't remember this purchase. I must of forgot, just like you forgot your morals. Please don't contact me again.'

SVRT19674 · 26/04/2022 11:09

Well, I would pay him back and on the concept for the transfer write "Viagra fund contribution" or any other uncomfortable concept I might think up. But then, cuntish behaviour brings out the pettiness i usually keep at bay.

Badger1970 · 26/04/2022 11:19

Do a spreadsheet with what he's asking for.

Then offset your own expenses against it and send back.

Don't even attempt to offload your thoughts onto him. People like that bulldoze their way through life and don't have the abilities to take on board criticism or learn from the past. He's a lost cause - you're not Flowers and I'd take that as a very very big positive.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 26/04/2022 11:25

Hang on.....you said he blocked you on all mediums? So HE decided to unblock you just to ask for money. Shame you couldn't have blocked HIM because he wouldn't have been able to contact you. But he has. So........... I am a big one for having my say etc. But it's not worth it. I certainly would not be telling the loser that I might need therapy because of whatever it was he did. I wouldn't give him that knowledge about me. He would know nothing about me anymore.

Paying for the items that were directly yours - you've done that. Now block the bastard and he can screw himself for any more money.

balalake · 26/04/2022 11:26

I'd hope you could tell any future woman he enters into a relationship about his behaviour. So they know and can decide whether or not to continue with such a man.

Separate from paying the money concerned though. Which I think you should do with as little comment as possible.

Kat1953 · 26/04/2022 11:49

I'm a bit of a pushover in day to day life but even I have a line. It takes a lot for me to get cross but when someone pushes it too far (like in your case), I would absolutely tell them what I think.

I would wrestle with how to act regarding the money but ultimately would take the moral high ground. Only if its money you legitimately owe though - if it was just splitting costs as part of a couple, as you do, ignore him.

Guarantee he wouldn't pay you if it were the other way around.

Block him.

Swayingpalmtrees · 26/04/2022 11:51

Shared costs would be used as a recovery fund.
I would stay silent, in a dignified fashion and block him everywhere and celebrate the end with my friends and some champagne out of said fund as closure.

You owe him nothing. Just desserts spring to mind.

Swayingpalmtrees · 26/04/2022 11:53

Keep your dignity and don't pay!!

Why would you pay, he will have the last laugh then. No, you keep the money and you block him and you celebrate the fact you dodged a bullet.

He does not get to call the shots anymore.

tomatoandherbs · 26/04/2022 12:07

At best, he won't give a shit, at worst, he'll have a good old laugh about how hung up on him you are.

this

Some of the responses on this thread make me wonder how odd these posters are in RL

JudgeJ · 26/04/2022 12:12

TigerLilyTail · 26/04/2022 05:58

I’m genuinely surprised how many people are saying to pay him back.

An acknowledged debt isn't removed by any subsequent rows, however serious. Personally I would pay up with no contact and feel the better person.

whynotwhatknot · 26/04/2022 12:20

After your update which pp shold read befo ecommenting id just ignore him completely if it cost you extra on holiday after he brokeup with you

theres no reasoning with people like him-my dsis keep arguing with her ex who just laughs it off and she gets more stressed ve told her to just completely ignore him

tcjotm · 26/04/2022 12:20

Rant to yourself on a voice memo to yourself and you can feel like he’s cowering in meek silence while you tear strips off him. Win win, you say it all and he never hears it (face it, he wouldn’t truly hear you anyway) and so can’t use it against you.

I do this when I can’t stop dwelling on stuff. Works so well. And if I listen back I’m either super grateful it wasn’t a real voicemail as I sound unhinged or I’m pleasantly surprised how articulate I sound (rare, but quite satisfying).

If I really needed to I’d do it as a voicemail WhatsApp to my sister as she’d say all the right things 😂

Fraaahnces · 26/04/2022 12:21

If he does indeed undoubtedly owe you, then no! Don’t pay him anything. Let him know that you have added everything owed and he is welcome to come and sort it out on X date. He can bring receipts. You bring receipts too and have friends there too. They can tell him to pay up and fuck off.

dreamkitchenhelp · 26/04/2022 12:21

Fuck him, deduct the extra cost, itemise the bill address it to "whatever the disgusting act was" and pay him the difference, then block the dick head.

Honeyroar · 26/04/2022 12:31

I’d keep my dignity and pay him what I’d agreed, but tell him that his behaviour was absolutely appalling/disgusting and you were completely ashamed to be associated with him.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/04/2022 12:47

I’m going to say it again because you haven’t clicked yet. He doesn’t want the money. He wants to open a dialogue with you. About anything.

whether you want that dialogue will influence your reply. I suspect you do. Answering him in any way or even acknowledging the message by paying the money back will, in his mind, reopen the dialogue between you.

My best advice? No answer. Of any kind.

Maydaysoonenough · 26/04/2022 12:52

Send him the figures of what you owed him then take off what the extra costs to you were. Send him an asda gift card. Suggest he sits in the cafe with a cuppa and considers how much of a twat he is.

BobLemon · 26/04/2022 13:24

On the basis that his actions on holiday cost you money as a result of changed plans, I wouldn’t pay him.

and I’m picturing that he either did, or tried to, have a joint pet PTS after your break up 😥

VanGoghsDog · 26/04/2022 13:28

You owe the money, so pay it. It's a separate issue to him splitting up with you regardless of his behavior.

The opportunity to read him the riot act was always there, him asking for the money hasn't changed that.

He won't care what you say, you don't want to get back with him, so just move on and think of it as a lucky escape. Definitely don't tell him you'll need years of therapy.

And no, him contacting you about the money is not him finding an excuse to be in touch, it's just him asking about the money, which you owe him. Transfer it without responding.

Vidax · 26/04/2022 13:37

goinglow · 26/04/2022 07:21

Actually my AIBU isn’t about whether to pay the money (that’s a somewhat separate matter as there are other costs to consider), but whether to take the opportunity to confront him about his actions and say what’s on my mind.

I wouldn't bother , he won't care, and all you are doing is letting him know he still lives in your head rent free

I would block and ignore

Mellowyellow222 · 26/04/2022 13:47

I thjj in ok you pay him the money you owe him then block.

as for confronting him - it is difficult to say without knowing what he did.

was it illegal? Did he hurt someone else or an animal. Should you report him to the police?

RincewindsHat · 26/04/2022 13:48

I wouldn't pay. I also wouldn't send him any communication letting him know what he's done to you. He won't care anyway. If you send him something, he gives you back an arsehole response (clearly he has no intentions of doing anything decent), all it will do is raise more emotions and unanswered questions for you. Don't do that to yourself.

I would delete his message, and write him a letter you will never send, saying everything you want to say. It won't be the end of processing what happened, but it will help you to get it out of your head and down on paper.