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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to resist the urge to say what I want to say…

316 replies

goinglow · 26/04/2022 04:05

I’ve just been through the most traumatic break-up. We had been together for a year and were planning for the future, when he completely blindsided me with a break-up. Within an hour of that, he did something so reckless, outrageous and insane that it felt like living through a nightmare (I wasn’t hurt, it was something he did that I witnessed). I prefer not to divulge the story but the phrase ‘what a disgusting c*’ is the reaction from most people when they hear the story.

He then blocked me on all mediums and left me an absolute shell of myself. Prior to the break-up we were (I thought) completely in love.

A few weeks later with no contact at all and I’m back on my feet and moving forward, and he’s just emailed me and asked me for half the money for something he paid on behalf of both of us.

I never thought he’d have the audacity to ask for it after the way he behaved. I assumed he’d consider it his arsehole tax. He can easily afford to swallow the cost.

I want to rip him a new one. I want to tell him if he wants his money he can face me and explain himself and his behaviour. I want to tell him the years of therapy I’ll need will far outweigh the cost. I want to tell him he should be so ashamed of his behaviour and the fact he would come to me for money is a disgrace.

I know I shouldn’t though. Moral high ground and all that.

However, he’s someone that wants a quiet life. He’ll want nothing more than to think his actions have had no consequences and to carry on guilt-free. On that basis, I can’t help but want to remind him this isn’t the case.

What would you do? Pay up, block and move on, or take the opportunity to remind him that actions have consequences and say some of the unsaid things he deserves to hear?

OP posts:
goinglow · 26/04/2022 16:19

tcjotm · 26/04/2022 12:20

Rant to yourself on a voice memo to yourself and you can feel like he’s cowering in meek silence while you tear strips off him. Win win, you say it all and he never hears it (face it, he wouldn’t truly hear you anyway) and so can’t use it against you.

I do this when I can’t stop dwelling on stuff. Works so well. And if I listen back I’m either super grateful it wasn’t a real voicemail as I sound unhinged or I’m pleasantly surprised how articulate I sound (rare, but quite satisfying).

If I really needed to I’d do it as a voicemail WhatsApp to my sister as she’d say all the right things 😂

This is genius! What a great idea!

OP posts:
Ophanim · 26/04/2022 16:19

If you don’t pay I think it’ll always be in the back of your mind that he may contact you again at a later date asking for the money. You won’t be completely free of him.
Pay him back and never contact him again.

Testina · 26/04/2022 16:21

I’d pay exactly what I owed with no comment, and block.

goinglow · 26/04/2022 16:21

BitOutOfPractice · 26/04/2022 12:47

I’m going to say it again because you haven’t clicked yet. He doesn’t want the money. He wants to open a dialogue with you. About anything.

whether you want that dialogue will influence your reply. I suspect you do. Answering him in any way or even acknowledging the message by paying the money back will, in his mind, reopen the dialogue between you.

My best advice? No answer. Of any kind.

Hhmmmm. I’m not sure I can process this. What on earth would he want a dialogue for?

OP posts:
tkwal · 26/04/2022 16:24

Block him after you've told him to whistle for the money. Then move on and give thanks you're rid of him

Saracenia · 26/04/2022 16:27

Many years ago, I walked in on my boyfriend in bed with our flatmate, in my bed. I moved out that day. A month later he rang to ask me to pay a share of the bills that had come in. I laughed and hung up.

Krakenchorus · 26/04/2022 16:30

Do not respond in any way. Don't pay, don't acknowledge that you've read the message. Delete. Block. Ignore.

You have nothing at all to gain from any communication with this arsehole. Not closure (it won't be), not satisfaction in having spoken your mind.

Do not pay because that would be engaging in a form of communication. Just no.

Thank god you only wasted a year! Lucky escape, OP.

Paddingtonthebear · 26/04/2022 16:30

He blocked you on all mediums so that you couldn’t contact him, then assumes it’s fine to contact you when it suits him. What a twat. I would act as though he is blocked. Add his email address to blocked/spam email, then delete and move on with your life. If he is that determined to get some money out of you then he can instruct a solicitor or something. In the meantime thank your lucky stars you didn’t waste any more of your life on him than you did

Paddingtonthebear · 26/04/2022 16:34

Some people just have no class at all unfortunately.

SpaceshiptoMars · 26/04/2022 16:34

Saracenia · 26/04/2022 16:27

Many years ago, I walked in on my boyfriend in bed with our flatmate, in my bed. I moved out that day. A month later he rang to ask me to pay a share of the bills that had come in. I laughed and hung up.

I expect the OP witnessed far worse! Probably walked in on a five way including a goat and a leprechaun in the bed she'd paid for....

TigerLilyTail · 26/04/2022 16:36

Hhmmmm. I’m not sure I can process this. What on earth would he want a dialogue for?

Some possible reasons

  • He's broke and desperately needs the money (seems unlikely from what you've said).
  • It's doing it to fuck with your head.
  • He's bored/lonely/horny and thinking about you.
Probably the last one!
ExMachinaDeus · 26/04/2022 16:50

I'd block and ignore.

AND DO NOT PAY HIM ANYTHING.

I wouldn't tell him how you feel at the moment.

Why make yourself vulnerable to him? Why give him that knowledge of you.

He does NOT deserve to know anything about you, and certainly NOTHING that could give him any kind of hold over you.

He's behaved like a sociopath (not that he is one, but sadly a lot of men cut off emotionally like this - it is almost psychopathic). Do not treat him as if he stll cares for you.

He doesn't.

Please, just walk away. Ignore, block, go on & have a fantastic life! Flowers

ExMachinaDeus · 26/04/2022 16:51

What on earth would he want a dialogue for?

Power. Manipulation.

To prove to himself that he's not the utter arsehole he clearly is.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 26/04/2022 16:54

Do you have a friend or relation (one of those suitably revolted by his behaviour) who could stand-up to (and shame) him? You could tell him that since he is now dead to you, this person is holding the money ready for him and that they want 'a word' with him. :)

If he doesn't turn up for the 'chat' and the money before a certain date, it is being donated to his least favourite charitable/political/social cause.

It is sad to have lost the man you thought he was but it could have taken even longer for him to show his true colours.

Wishing you a much better future than the one he offers.

LollyLol · 26/04/2022 16:58

It is a shame you already repaid him for the one specific thing he bought you.
I’d send him a reply, “After taking into account my cost overruns due to the unexpected outcome of our trip, less the amounts you paid on my behalf, you owe me £317.97. Please transfer the amount to my bank account today.”

if he replies with a “how did you come up with that?” reply or insists you still owe him money, I’d reply, “if you want to dispute this and prefer to dredge through all the sordid details of our trip in small claims court, we can go down that route. I don’t pretend to understand your behaviour, but surely even you can see some advantage to settling this privately between ourselves rather than airing everything in full sight of the public.”

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 26/04/2022 16:58

Before thinking of paying, please do charge him for any additional costs you faced!

stiritwithaknife · 26/04/2022 17:04

ExMachinaDeus · 26/04/2022 16:50

I'd block and ignore.

AND DO NOT PAY HIM ANYTHING.

I wouldn't tell him how you feel at the moment.

Why make yourself vulnerable to him? Why give him that knowledge of you.

He does NOT deserve to know anything about you, and certainly NOTHING that could give him any kind of hold over you.

He's behaved like a sociopath (not that he is one, but sadly a lot of men cut off emotionally like this - it is almost psychopathic). Do not treat him as if he stll cares for you.

He doesn't.

Please, just walk away. Ignore, block, go on & have a fantastic life! Flowers

@ExMachinaDeus How does it make her vulnerable or give him knowledge of her or any hold over her to say, "😂 after your outrageous behavior and disgusting display, you owe me for all the travel costs I had to rearrange. Never contact me again." before blocking.

Telling someone in writing not to contact you is fairly smart. They can't claim ignorance afterward that they had no idea you didn't want to see them.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/04/2022 17:04

Don't pay

If there's a risk he'll take you to court, let him. Pay up if you are forced to.

He broke up with you on that holiday, DELIBERATELY RUINING your holiday experience and he wants to be rewarded for it?

Stuff that!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/04/2022 17:07

Oh - and tell his parents what he did.

If you have proof, attach it.

stiritwithaknife · 26/04/2022 17:12

There's no way he can take you to court unless you have a written formal contract. I don't think you have that for agreements to split meals lol.

And even if you did have a formal contract to split meals, he would have breached the contract by breaking up with you during the holiday, as any agreement would be predicated on being in a relationship, whereas he entered into the holiday intent on breaking up with you. A bad faith agreement.

SpaceshiptoMars · 26/04/2022 17:14

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/04/2022 17:07

Oh - and tell his parents what he did.

If you have proof, attach it.

That might be illegal!

ivykaty44 · 26/04/2022 17:52

I would treat him to the silent treatment and blocking on all mediums

if he turns up face to face

just repeat you are the past and thats where you're staying - goodbye
if he starts to talk - not interested, not interested

Legoisaws8om · 26/04/2022 17:53

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request

Mulhollandmagoo · 26/04/2022 17:55

Paddingtonthebear · 26/04/2022 16:30

He blocked you on all mediums so that you couldn’t contact him, then assumes it’s fine to contact you when it suits him. What a twat. I would act as though he is blocked. Add his email address to blocked/spam email, then delete and move on with your life. If he is that determined to get some money out of you then he can instruct a solicitor or something. In the meantime thank your lucky stars you didn’t waste any more of your life on him than you did

Couldn't agree more with this!!!!

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 26/04/2022 18:05

Regardless of him being an arse, you agreed to pay costs. So pay your costs.

I'm not averse to people saying what they need to say. But the message you'd actually be giving is completely different from the one you think it is.

Him 'facing you and explaining his behaviour' isn't going to help you or him. It's not going to make him see the error of his ways or feel sorry. It's just going to make you look desperate for contact and affirmation. You don't need either from him.